lucymarion

[lucymarion]

wasting time

as someone that loves doing nothing, it's kinda bizarre na i have an irrational fear of wasting time. it doesnt occur everyday pero i'll know when it flares up. parang yung sugat ko nape ko hahahaha. it holds me back. if i didn't have that and if i accepted na time will flow no matter how my choices end up, i wouldve been preparing to shift rn pero, well. im now fixing the damages ive done.

its weird din na i dont like wasting time pero i found myself in this kind of arrangement. i know what kurt and i have will end sometime in the future. it will go nowhere, i know that, pero i still stay. why do i do that?

ano ba ko hahahah ano ba ko ano ba ko ano ba ko. ano na ba yung tao kapag araw araw mo kausap. ano na ba siya kung dalawang beses na kayo nagkita pero yung pagkikita niyo parang lagi ang saya. ano na ba ko kung alam ko na kwento mo. kung alam ko na mga pangarap mo, mga kinakatakot mo. mga importanteng tao sa buhay mo. ano na ba ko kung binahagi mo sakin yung pagkatao mo.

honestly wala na tayong karapatang itigil to eh. we are in so so deep. i know my fears and you know mine pero wala tayong pinanghahawakan. how the fuck does that even work.

i really have to leave. i really, really genuinely have to leave him. i cant do this anymore. i cant. tama na.

im wasting my time im wasting my time and im so so afraid na if i left, nothing will change sa kanya. i'll be a different form pero sa kanya, not even a dent.

god please save me

[lucymarion]

some people are just so unaware of how much their presence lingers, even in a room they’ve already left

[lucymarion]

in the same place in a different time

akala ko when i passed the battery exam and even get pinned mawawala na yung doubts that i have for this program. passed the damn exam and got pinned na officially pero nandito pa din siya. i even posted my pin. i broke my years streak na walang post sa ig to post my pinning pero nandito pa din siya. ito ata yung multo by cup of joe ko

lagi ko sinasabi na oh if you have doubts just list the pros and cons and you'll find your way out. the things is i cant even think of pros anymore. just cons. i feel like ang pangit lang kasi ng utak ko rn so hindi ako makaisip, pero narealize ko na kahit pala before ganun na rin. i dont have any idea why i chose this. bakit ba siguradong sigurado ako when picked this program habang nagaapply sa portal? diba sinasabi ko na you gotta sit yourself down and have an intervention? did i do that with me? did i take my own advice?

it just sucks kasi i feel like everyone around me (my classmates) are so sure na. they'll finish this in some way, kung hindi man palarin through the usual route. pero ako hahaha why am i still floating? dapat hindi na ko nakakarelate sa post ko last year about not wanting to pass the battery exam sa reddit. why do i still feel for her?

[lucymarion]

Guys this is like crazy and i cant say this sa twitter but this is fucking insane holy shit

[lucymarion]

why do i have to feel guilty about having someone?

this edit of rae and finn landed on my for you page and i just felt weird. i watched mad fat diary a few years ago and i didn't like rae. big part of it was that i hated how she handled being the fat girl in her school, always whining about her weight and how she was being treated unfairly because of it. she was also a bitch towards her mom (iirc) and the added fuel to the fire.

she was absolutely nothing like me when i was in high school. i have been fat my entire life. i couldn't remember i single day where i felt like i was small, like i wasn't taking up anymore space than i should just have. i taught myself that if i'm like this physically, i can't be like this internally, you know? like if i was fat, i have to make up for it in other attributes. i can't be dumb. i'm already fucking fat and i'm also dumb? what the fuck. i can't be unfunny, i can't be boring, i can't be timid. i have to have confidence which i will make up for in being physically deficient. i have to be kind, i have to be a good friend. i have to become a somewhat capable leader, a capable person. someone they can depend on. someone they can trust. someone that will enable them to look past the layers of fat i hide behind a loose uniform, just so it wouldn't reveal the body shape i actually had. i am so many things, but with just one look at me all they can think of is that i'm fat, so i have to do something so overcome that first impression. which i successfully did naman. i have friends (not at the moment unfortunately). they describe as someone very chill and they can easily depend on. they say that i'm very comfortable to be around and they treat me as the 'mom friend' of the group. that's worth something, right?

rae didn't have that and i hated it. she was fat and that's it. she didn't have to work on something to have what she had. she had a group of friends. she had jodie comer's character as a loyal friend (iirc) that loved and loved her even though she was bigger than her. fucking finn fell in love with her with that fuckass fat face.

fuck maybe i felt envious of her. holy shit

the point of this post is that the one thing all fat people will possess is self sabotage. holy shit we do have that in common. finn loved rae wholeheartedly, but she was the biggest reason why they broke up. all the oh you deserve someone better and you should be someone skinny or you should be with someone beautiful made finn slip away and leave.

it's guilt. i dont't know why, but it's guilt. if i already dont feel worthy of love, what am i gonna do if someone gives it to me voluntarily? if i didnt work for it, do i actually deserve it? rae knew someone like finn wouldn't like her back so she didn't do anything to work for him, but what do she have to do if this finn guy just comes up to her and tells her that he loves her? why me? with this body? with my appearance? with my stature and my wide shoulders and big legs and huge arms and my double chins and my layers?

there must be something wrong here then. was it a bet? am i being used as the butt of a joke and i wasnt aware? and if i told him all about this, my insecurities, my ideas about myself and him loving him, what would i do if he still wants me?

then you feel guilty. you an eleven and i'm a four. you should be going it with people like stacy not someone like me.

it just feels like i can't have this, you know? you're too pretty so you should be with someone as pretty as you. someone na kaya kang sabayan. someone in your level. kasi diba what would people think if they see you with me? someone this size, holding your hand and looking at you like you were the only one meant for me and kissing you like there's no end? most people when they see us must be going oh he must be mad going out with that. AND IT'S TRUE! i'm holding you back. you're with me because you're nice and i'm just a charity case you have to mess with until you find someone perfect for you.

ayun lang. i could relate this to my personal issues with kurt pero that's another 3000 word tumblr post and i'm tired.

[lucymarion]

it was a good day

grabe 20s is really weird HAHAHAH who would've thought na i'll go through this no? i want my junior high school self to look at this day talaga,, kahit ilang seconds lang. i want her to know na oh! something can happen to me! something aside from school and friends and the typical bullcrap that happens in my daily life! i can love someone and be loved back, even though the odds are not favor of us pa! i can love someone na hindi pangcrush lang! and he actually does love me back! (even though he wont say it HAHAH which i totally understand)

kurt's going back to san pablo kasi he realized that nursing doesn't really help his career. akala ko it was me that triggered it, pero yun pala nambubuyo na tatay niya na magshift siya. nakadagdag lang pala me to concrete the decision. i was supportive! una palang naman, whenever he talks about his daily life and the things he does sa shop nila, i always wonder kung bakit siya nagnursing eh buong buo na pala ang life niya back home. he has a business he will run in the future, so it's only appropriate for him to choose a program that will help him in the long run; that wasn't nursing for him.

i cant believe this started just two months ago. seryoso. january 21 siya nagmessage sakin sa reddit and look where we are now. nagkita lang kami twice irl, pero the conversations. araw araw talaga. akala ko i was the emotional one, pero it turns out siya din pala. somehow, he was kinda leaning on me din, something that i kept holding myself back from kasi i thought it wasn't proper. grabe hahaha this is really new to me.

alam mo sinabi niya talaga na i can't ghost him. he told me na we'll keep in touch, no matter how busy we get. sabi ko hindi naman ako ghoster, pero mabagal lang ako magreply. sabi niya hindi naman, ang bilis mo nga magreply. tumawa ako tapos dinagdagan ko na kailangan ko bagalan kasi baka magmukha akong desperada if agad agad ako nagrereply. sabi niya (which made me laugh) hindi ka ganon, kaibigan ka na eh. palabas palang kami sa dorm niya ha, tapos ganito na siya. sinamahan niya din ako papitx. nung nasa legarda palang kami tapos naghihintay kami ng lrt, he asked me kung pwede niya ba daw akong maging best friend. insane fucking question from him na sobrang pili ang kaibigan (i know how picky he is kasi he told me all about it. lahat din ng kaibigan niya right now, kung hindi affiliated sa trabaho niya eh kalevel niya sa school). syempre i instantly said yes. sabi ko ang layo naman ng best friend mo. sabi niya ok lang, sobrang rare lang ng offer na to, na siya ang nagopen at willing siya na ipasok ako sa circle niya. i laughed at him kasi parang laki naman ng impact ko sa kanya, pero i understood naman. nagjoke pa ko nun na ikaw ha, finefriendzone mo na talaga ako, to which he just laughed at. sinamahan niya pa ko nun hanggang hanggang pagbaba namin sa recto. akala ko hanggang dun nalang, pero si gago sinamahan pa ako hanggang pitx na sobrang lapit na sa unang station ng lrt 1. sabi niya gusto niya lang talaga na may kasama muna, since he was feeling vulnerable pa. i was willing, so i let him stick by. kaya pala si gago (i just REALIZED as im writing this) eh pilit ng pilit habang nagbibihis kami sa dorm niya na magpitx ako. para pala mas mahaba ang usapan namin kasi matagal pa talaga if ever next na magkita kami. ayun, ilang minutes din yun ha from doroteo jose to pitx, pero nandun lang siya and we were just talking. grabe we were both winded from the walk. puro lakad kasi sa manila tangina pero okay lang. we still talked kahit putangina sa pagod hahaha. pagbaba sa pitx he helped me na magtanong kung paano pauwi. ang bilis lang niya talaga grabe kingina dun na talaga ako lagi pauwi. pagkakita ko palang sa signage sa gate 1 na may pa paliparan, grabe tuwa ko hahaha super naexcite ako sa harap niya shet. i asked kung saan papaliparan, paalis na pala. i had to run so hindi na me nakapaggoodbye :( okie lang, we spent the whole ride papitx just soaking each other's presence. he couldnt even let me go before kami umalis sa dorm niya, just hugging me and clinging. nung ineexplan niya kung pano pauwi by pitx, i wasnt really listening kasi i was still adamant na sumakay from baclaran, so i was just kissing him while he was talking. brother was DISTRACTED hahahaha he was still stubborn, kaso di rin makapigil na hindi habulin labi ko. nagsabi pa siya na teka lang makinig ka muna sakin pero i didn't stop. i waited for this for too damn long you know.

ayun. naglandian lang talaga kami the whole evening. it's going to be the last time for god knows how long, so talagang sinulit namin. hay. thank you din siya ng thank you, sa dorm, sa lrt, even sa chat nung nakauwi na ko magkausap parin kami nun. thank you daw kasi nakinig ako hahaha na nandun ako.

alam mo ba na he almost said i love you? i had a feeling na joke time lang, pero parang hindi eh HAHAH sabi niya if sasabihin niya, kailangan sabihin ko din. i was ready (and ive been feeling it too) so sabi ko syempre naman. he didnt say it, kinabahan siguro, pero now that i'm thinking of it, dapat pala sinabi ko. kahit hindi siya ibalik, okie lang. at least nasabi ko and he knows na someone from cavite loves him. i'll say it. not through chat, though. we'll have to meet.

i've been feeling emotional, pero ayoko umiyak. wala lang. i can't tell these to my friends kasi, well. we're not really talking right now. so i wrote this here. he's worth my tears though. gago siya sometimes, yes, pero you know. i can take that.

in the meantime, i'd have to find another guy to fuck habang wala pa siya. i love him, yes, pero i have needs din HAHA. if he offers though, to just meet and fuck or just meet para lang makipagusap, all prior plans will be cancelled. he's on the top of my list right now.

[lucymarion]

a wrapped that nobody asked for

2024... what a fucking year. i started to do something crazy this year and i've never been so satisfied. i totally ripped this idea off of someone that did this in the aj subreddit

mr. tattoo

i don't even care if he was lying about never being in a hotel room, but my god he was good. i didn't even come, i only really wanted to suck a cock but he was GOOD!!!!!! dick size is amazing, i think ive found my favorite dick size because of him. he was gentle and he knew what he wanted + he was kind of enough to guide me and still ask permission before he does things. love love loved the experience

2. mr. wave to earth

yeah... i think fault ko din naman kasi i forgot to purchase a pineapple juice before sucking it. with this arrangement, i offered kasi i saw his post tapos super lapit lang niya. wave to earth was playing while i was sucking him the whole time sa kanilang living room so may whiplash na kapag pinapakinggan ko wte LMAOOOO. after he came, he put on lol tournament clips with faker and i didnt know what to do HAHAHAH i thought itd be rude to just leave immediately,, but i really shouldve just did it.

he was nice naman, kaso he lingered. everywhere. his smell was on me, my throat was feeling thick for DAYS because of his fluids. i can still smell his pp on my fingers after a few days. it was rough. not a good after experience

3. mr. december

my fubu for the whole month of december. favorite dick from all of them albeit he's the smallest one. enjoyed every moment i spent sucking him and would LOVE to do it again if he asked. i ended it on january though kasi... idk i wanted a new experience LOL but i miss him. sana i can stil withdraw my goodbye message kasi i miss sucking him :(

[lucymarion]

& you know what it actually IS lifechanging to smile at strangers & say please & thank you & goodmorning & compliment someones outfit & help someone in need & be more accepting of loving other people just because they are other people!!!

[lucymarion]

[lucymarion]

name moodboard for “elijah” for @aureliusbrutus

[lucymarion]

my mom said we can hide in the woods, cast ancient spells, be embraced by moss and befriend eldritch creatures if it's ok with your mom

[lucymarion]

8/12/2024

seems like i really cant do anything consistently because bakit ngayon ko lang naalala na may ganito na pala me hahaha anyway we will be eating sa mang inasal sa site mamaya

[lucymarion]

June 22, 2024

8am -> Mendez Central Elementary School

Nice day, i love the weather sa mendez. Super mahangin and bright blue sky, i think i should live there.

[lucymarion]

June 19, 2024

School whole day, ate in chooks. Tinry ko yung sisig and the spaghetti. The sisig has liver, so sad and yung spaghetti was so much like a homemade filipino spaghetti. I was delighted. I love their calamansi cucumber drink.

Not a good day at school i kinda fucked up the retdem sa genitalia but i am way too tired to care anymore. Is it supposed to be this disheartening eh i am still on level 1? Sabi ko kay cathlin when we were waiting for our turn na maybe it's just a bad day today. I am holding on to that.

[lucymarion]

Shattered Teacup

Painted on Corel Painter and Photoshop

[lucymarion]

i love you and i (wont) wait

i went swimming with my friends kagabi at like 7pm to 4am. it was nice, tubigan was... small. i have this perception ng tubigan na malaki kasi the last time I was there i was still small. pagbalik ko kahapon i was shocked na maliit lang pala hahahaha

the real reason im writing this is because of sherlock. i think im suffering from another friendship break up. i think we're outgrowing each other. and it sucks so bad kasi i go through my fyp on tiktok and i see his reposts and it reminds me of the sherlock i loved. his humor was still there and all the things i adored pero it's like getting overshadowed by something else i cant digest. and i feel so bad right now because i just took him off of my close friends list.

turns out i was lying here

i arrived sa tubigan ng mga 6pm to reserve a cottage tapos by 7pm nasa loob na ko. i was messaging all of them to come na and I was patiently waiting tapos he messaged sa gc na he was going to be late. ok lang hanggang 4am naman kami dun. come 7:30 apat na kami dun meron paring 5 expected guests na kulang. ok sure. dumating na yung tatlo. i messaged sa gc na if susunod kayo then diretso nalang sa cottage edi swimming na kami. after ilang minutes balik kami cottage to check if papunta na sila. no replies. i messaged yung isang guest if pupunta mo ba sila ni sherlock he said hindi daw siya tutuloy, inupdate niya din daw si sherlock abt that. i was pissed kasi ???? 1) bakit hindi manlang naginform si sherlock about dun 2) the fee for the cottage was split for 9 people. pero ok lang kasi like this person so i wished him well nalang. moments later sherlock informed the gc that he was drunk and he wouldn't be joining anytime soon. it was weird as fuck dahil una he literally said sa gc na he cancelled plans for this swimming and pangalawa kumpleto kami. pero ok sige. i really dont want to ruin my vibe kasi i was really having a great time so sige. until mga madaling araw we were talking na sa may gilid ng pool and we were discussing shit about sherlock and it turns most of us felt weird na about him about how he changed and about how he treats and views his friends. i really felt sick to my stomach and my throat was closing up kasi winsiwjjsjsn this wasnt the friend i had in dati??? hindi ito yung kausap ko sa gmeet years ago????? hindi din to yung naging kaibigan ko nung grade 7.

grabe how time can drastically change a person. i dont even know that person anymore. i looked through his socmed accounts and i was shocked to realized na nothing's really connecting us anymore. i could just sever everything now. unfriend him soft block him on ig and twitter. take him off my dumps and my close friend lists. i could block him on tiktok. i could restrict him on Facebook and messenger and never contact him again. i could pick the galas i would participate to and never see him again. i could do it. it wouldn't matter anymore kasi we're not friends anymore. i dont want to be friends with him anymore.

anybody could be reading this and think ay nalate lang sa gala f.o. na GIRL hindi this has been accumulating for months na and this is probably my last straw. ayoko na umasa na maybe in this gala i would see the friend i know again. na maybe if i talk more sa gc the boy i loved in the gmeets the gc did in 2021 would resurface. na maybe he'd add me on that fucking frens highlight sa ig niya which was a huge blow to me btw kasi i was there dati pero ngayon for no reason wala na ako (just checked while typing this wala talaga ako ANYWHERE.) waiting is futile. hes not here anymore

rest in peace to us bj (he doesnt even want to be called like this anymore LOLOLOLOLOL) 2017-2024

it was nice to be ur friend. i love you forever

[lucymarion]

Brisbane 2007 / Brisbane 2023