lucysmuse - Tumblr blog

[lucysmuse]

september 21, 2023 //

hello again.

ive decided to stop ignoring my pain, my depression, my emotion. i have tried for years to shut this down and turn it off, ive tried to only be angry and sharp-edged and self destructive. im only self destructive now. and pitiful. im ready to just start feeling these saturated, vivid things and if i die from it so be it. at least i felt something.

my appetite can be ravenous some days. this month i had my first day with three separate 'meals' (nothing big but i called them meals all the same. half a sandwich is a meal for me and god damn thats a huge fuhking improvement) and i cried openly in j's arms and he just gave me so much encouragement and support

and j and i are maybe still honeymooning after these months but i really. i really fucking think we have something good going. i finally feel like im fully comfortable to be myself in every way with someone. i do not hide how im feeling. i tell him how im feeling, and i explain how i would like to respond to that, and j either agrees or starts offering compromise.

i dont ever. EVER. feel like i cant speak my opinion in any way. its not even that i couldnt do that with others in the past, it just is so palpable that i dont usually second guess myself, which would lead to insecurity or self hatred or both

and the sex. holy shit the sex. i never realized how incompatible i was with previous partners (AGAIN, not to anyones blame, just a mismatch unfortunately and i didnt understand how to tell or not) in that realm. were an open relationship and it can hurt a little every once in a while when i catch a glimpse of his texts with random people but hes very understanding, patient, kind, he just wants me to be happy too and i believe that

i feel like i am just. cut open and bleeding every time im with him. i feel like my blood is brighter. hes sunshine thats shot into my veins and im radioactive and glowing in his arms

i ate four dino nuggets today and its only 930 pm. i think i can eat more !!

i had my first therapy session since i dont even know when. it left me crying on and off the next 2 days and i cant afford the current frequency but i needed it so badly. im also finally on sleep meds that actually work. its fuhkin surreal the difference

i get tested for adhd next week. i need it so badly. jesus christ i need it badly. even if they tell me i dont have it, i just need to know something concrete. i need to know if i sound like an idiot in my head when im reading something about adhd and i just resonate more than a zildjian cymbal at a gwar show

im losing weight. im getting more active. i went on a hike last week, and ive been cooking a lot. i have a new job on monday after this absolutely hell gig. full time with benefits. i hope i can handle it. i really fuhking do.

im saving up to leave my house. but my student loans are estimated to be about a quarter of my wage so i really need to strike gold or some shit.

cest la vie

souhaite-moi bonne chance

song: dragon slayer by ninja sex party

[lucysmuse]

february 20, 2023 //

a letter to j.

thank you for dragging me from the grave.

i was in a freefall toward hell, scrambling for purchase looking upward and feeling already halfway to the bottom kicking and screaming when you clutched me by the collar of my shirt and shotgunned that joint into my mouth. those 60 degrees i lurched felt like soaring over continents, through decades.

i wished you were straddling me in that moment.

youre more beautiful than so many treasures of life , more than ripples in a lake at the end of a dock when you toss a line in

more than the feeling of shag carpet under your ultra stoned fingertips

more than the stars i see when youre giving me head.

more than the trust i feel when im giving you head.

more than dark side of the moon.

more than our whole aftternoon

young lust and deep trust

its melbourne or bust

youre yin

im yang

you kiss me like sin

all night my heart sang

song: lotion by groundskeepers

[lucysmuse]

september 10, 2022 //

im sorry everyone, im high on coke rn. i feel like i failed myself. but i cant help but lean in to the fact this is amazing. im sorry. in my defense its not even enough to cover the head of a pin. but i feel the aftermath in my left nostril and my blood bubbling in a good way and im trying to convince myself it makes me feel shameful.

song: poison oak by B.E.s

[lucysmuse]

july 25, 2022

im friends with p again, i really hope s (not the aforementioned) responds to my instagrahm messages. im lonely as fuhk. it hurts me physically almost

song: self esteem - the offspring

[lucysmuse]

july 25, 2022

im home. 

song: randy i am the liquor by free throw

[lucysmuse]

june 1, 2020

more. there were four chairs for a reason. i was just wrong about the reason. b is amazing and a gentleman and enjoys the fuhk out of pbr and its a joy to know him and be around him. s was (according to k not in my experience) an actual piece of shit and is not really missed. im worried about e’s visit because im already heard and listened to so little. i struggle so much with not being heard and not being able to actually get a foot into the conversation so frequently i notice it and it makes me sad. i might say more soon

song - ceremony by deftones

[lucysmuse]

june 1, 2020

sometimes i feel like i am not heard.

song - early sunsets over monroeville by my chemical romance

[lucysmuse]

september 12, 2020

‘im homesick. i love you like an alcoholic. i dont know what to do about it? i dont have a path through school and thus life other than going grant to grant and pretending im an artist while im severely mentally fucked in the head. ive been supposed to start abilify like. five months ago. but my psych wont order it. and i want to km fucking s. im listening to  emo music and missing it. im unable to sink into it the same way, i feel alienated from my own personal Genre. i dont know whats going on with me i feel like im behind a wall and i cant fucking break it.

song: weave me (into yr sin) by citizen

[lucysmuse]

september 6, 2020 //

im worried s and k will break up because he feels like the missing piece to our friendship; me and z were talking about it and we wish id found him on tinder because i only ever looked for friends. the idea of never seeing him again makes me really sad. its not that im in love with him or some dumb shit its just so rare to know a cis man who respects my pronouns and gender fully correctly and the one time he fucked up he apologized so profusely it made me almost emotional anyway, me and zach dont want him to leave but it might happen and im gonna be upset (and maybe cry, im a cancer ok and lucy has my throat in her claws, every mild inconvenience and its the choking factory for me)’

theres four chairs for a reason.

i think things are going to work out, i just wish . so wish . that he would f*cking hang out with us still in case things fuck up

in other news i had what i truly believe to be a psychic vision but i have no idea what it could mean. i was on the balcony hunched over some art when i felt myself stuck to my chair all of a sudden, my head flew back into an upright position smacking the shingles and my hands gripped the chair so hard but i couldnt feel them, and i realized i wasnt inside my body anymore (i could still see but it was more abstract and like i was viewing a screen) then i felt my focus shift onto my stomach but i dont know necessarily if it was mine or if it was just to represent a stomach of someone else because i also had an image in the forefront of my mind of a slab of stomach like what dr miami would remove in plastic surgery but it was the entire foot or so of abdomen but it had my belly button ring? and all i could hear in my head was how did that get there how did that get there how did that get there and then i came back to myself and the fact that it came and passed so specifically like that is why i think it was a vision?

song: cant say no to annie by jamaican queens

[lucysmuse]

september 5, 2020 //

im not sure what to write because im high on benzos rn and the world feels out of my reach. i dont know whether or not i truly believe things are ok.

song: the private pain of techno destructo // gwar

[lucysmuse]

november 26, 2019

from childhoods hour i have not been as others were; i have not seen as others saw; i could not bring my passions from a common spring. from the same source i have not taken my sorrow; i could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone; and all I loved, i loved alone. then- in my childhood, in the dawn of a most stormy life- was drawn from every depth of good and ill the mystery which binds me still: from the torrent, or the fountain, from the red cliff of the mountain, from the sun that round me rolled in its autumn tint of gold, from the lightning in the sky as it passed me flying by, from the thunder and the storm, and the cloud that took the form (when the rest of heaven was blue) of a demon in my view.

song: drink you pretty by placebo

[lucysmuse]

november 8, 2019

ive been home all week boarded up with bronchitis. needless to say its resulted in one big fat greek meltdown full of theatrics so many tears and a lot of despair about what im doing with my life. i think i might end it after all this, im not sure. decisions are hard to make what can i say.

im an art major and i have a huge issue with motivation, deadlines, a lack of guidance, and im an art major. what the fuhk am i even doing. 

i havent made a single piece of art in weeks. its like when i was starting lithium. im terrified.

also forgot about eating today, unless a handful of peanut m&ms counts. ive been eating so awful lately; id feel bad for whoever would have to clean my body if i hung myself haha the hell that would put them through to deal with it 

i finally got back to watching better call saul, caught up to where i left off, and continued on to what is now the latter half of season 2. i plan to finish and then jump right into the start of breaking bad again. i miss my old favorite show. 

i wish i had friends who really cared about cinematography and aesthetics because i have been wanting to just drivel on about how breaking bad and its spinoffs are the perfect ode to modern americana; the sheer amount of domestic, tame, almost siesta-hazy shots of just. life in desert america. fuels me with the want to draw so many cowboys in opulent garb in various states of undress (hubba hubba). now that i got that straight white woman out of my system, Anyways. 

my favorite part about the shows arent just that theyre interesting or edgy on the inside drama on the oustide, or the insane amount of ingenuity the show writers have (half the $hit they think up im astounded by and the other half my jaw is just on the floor start to finish), the long shots are what really gets me. theyre pausing, like taking a breath amongst all of the high wire, almost bleak scenes and plot regarding crime and how morally grey we all as people are. i also appreciate the humanity of each character -- theres some good parts in all, and bad parts in all that get more than a few lines. and even then -- hey, look at ernesto -- there is nuance. the show is so empty of fake characters. not a single one of them couldnt exist in real life for any reason. never do i question whether one character would or would not do something, because even if i were to have doubts gilligan & co back it up with so much context and reason that everything checks out before its even done. 

better call saul centers on one of my favorite characters from the original series and gives him a backstory. his character is absolute tacky insanity and you want to know during the entirety of the original series what could possibly go on after walt leaves that office. and better call saul not only does that but drags you along for a much more adrenaline filled explanation than you could have possibly asked for. 

but the still shots. god i love the still shots. like come on the theme to better call saul alone, with the overexposed fried images of oldsmobiles and phone books with gaudy ads and a statue of liberty inflatable. that alone is enough to wrap southwest americana of the past couple decades up in a tightly knotted bow. but then they go on, and let the freak flag fly in just about every episodes script. like come on they even bring up hummels. the scene they led into by wheeling the camera in on the seniors’ jello cart, thats genius. and complete with a tacky law ad at the bottom of the cup. the show from start to finish bleeds tack. and i love it. over the last couple months maybe a year or so i had kinda lost my grip on the cowboy blood i have, by which i mean this: if i were to be alive during the quote unquote wild west times i wouldve zipped out to the country to make a living on a ranch where id soon find a husband to spend my life with, there would be no discussion. to be out isolated with all that desert and not a single person to call you faggot or tranny or d*ke but yourself. thats the only thing i could possibly ask for. i could be me, and my husband would lovingly sew my nipples back on after i go insane and cut my tits off one night instead of bringing the horses in. a chestplate of scar tissue is miles more appealing than an a cup if you ask me. to go back to what i was saying, the cowboy blood in me is simply that--blood that fizzles and swims through my body and heats up at the idea of being in the desert and being myself, calling myself the man that i am with a man who loves me. (and some cool boots too)

i dont know what this post was. its not coherent, i forget to follow through on a thought a few times throughout, and i still dont know what i want to do with my life. what i do know is that before writing this i was debating slitting my wrists and now those thoughts have settled. i also have french homework to finish and a little over a season left of better call saul on netflix so i think with that i bid this post a passive adieu. think of the next entry as picking up where i left off.

song: me & the boys (& a bottle) by tokyo lucky hole

[lucysmuse]

october 26, 2019

halloween is rlly soon and im excited but not looking forward to my mother giving me shit for wearing goth things afterward again, it gets so old

i got my lip pierced after a four hour meltdown during one of my manic episodes. it looks sick as fuhk. im a little nervous about keeping up with it? but im really happy i look more like how i see myself

im running really low on money so i have to take out another loan next semester which is.annoying to say the least unless by some miracle i get a job that i can juggle my classes with, but judging by my schedule for next semester its not happening. im really upset about s because she hasnt done fuhkin anything with me in weeks and then she tells me shes doing something that we were supposed to do with a guy she met on a video game instead. she barely talks to me anymore and it feels like shes gotten tired of me or at least she just doesnt think of me. i know i havent been putting in much effort but at least i am at all.

song: some pissed off shit

[lucysmuse]

[lucysmuse]

october 15th, 2019

im having brain zaps every couple seconds. almost make me want to get back on this stupid drug; read online that its as bad as heroin to get off. sounds about right, ha. i skipped class so far this week because i didnt feel like dealing with the withdrawals while also making art or sitting in a room with an abstract lover that tries to say theyre my professor. abstract my ass. these assignment prompts are the only reason i get such bad grades. if i understood the guidelines better, id have an a. swear on my grave.

ive noticed that the withdrawals are a bit easier when im high so i bought ten grams and have kept myself catatonic all week. fancy living huh. once the weather cools down i dont want to be smoking as much; i want to start taking grocery walks for things like yeast so i can start baking bread but cant right now because crossing the boulevard-thats-not-a-boulevard-but-is-the-widest-road-in-town in shorts makes me want to blow my brains out. once its cold enough for long jeans, ill be going once a week for random things probably. the distance keeps it to necessities too so i wont have to worry about me buying absolute garbage like the 7 dollars i spent on candy today. im suffering, can you blame me? 

i dont think i want to waste my time on o anymore. im waiting for a day where she doesnt start a conversation (and by conversation i mean the entire day since im expected to keep constant contact with her throughout) with ‘im suicidal’ or an expression of dissatisfaction with me to spring it on her but also try my hardest to do it at a time where i can convince her i do love her i just cant fuhking deal.

i dont want to exist right now. wish there was a cord like on a bus that i could tug and get off of life for a little bit then board again when certain obstacles have finished. whatever. just wish these withdrawals werent making me crave junk food. my cranium jolts in between ranking food joint fries.

song: little dark age by mgmt

[lucysmuse]

october 4, 2019

theres cuts littering my legs and it feels weird to have so many at once again. i dont know what possessed me to do it in a highly visible place if im wearing shorts especially considering i had therapy today and the last person i want seeing that is eleanor. i wore fishnets though so she didnt see. it doesnt feel the same, this time around feels almost like i have a handle on it and am actively doing it to myself as opposed to fearing my hand as it robotically slashed away. this time its me cutting myself. i dont know what that means. thats not meant to sound deep or something its just me trying to define my emotions that i cant even arrange into categories more complicated than happy sad and angry. 

today felt monotonous and desperate. just wish i could get blown in the softest bed ever with a bong that has a hello kitty sticker. its the simple things in life.

i wish the monster would stop complaining every time she sees me about my hair. i know she doesnt like it, i know she doesnt care that its what i want, i know she wants it gone. she doesnt have to toss it at my face every time i set foot in her sights.

i crave french vanilla powder in coffee clutched by my gloved fingers-sans-fingertips. crave not feeling like im being submerged, smothered in too hot cotton curtains with a faint image of a $hitty made backdrop patched together of rat city orange land through the fabric. crave feeling like the ocean is made of sand and sludge more than water. 

have more to say but also have a movie to watch with d. an a24 type that ive been wanting to watch for a while. 

song: mamas gun by glass animals

[lucysmuse]

october 4, 2019

maybe a relationship isnt for me. i have no sex drive anymore to the point where i now feel strong anxiety at the thought of a lover trying to touch me or expecting me to touch them. i feel like living with the monster has led to my maturation to simply recoil at about 14 years old and unless i leave i wont be an actual adult, because shes kept me from so much. my growth is stunted and the thought of even crossing the road makes me antsy. theres not much i can do about it for now

this is all coming from the fact i want to break up with o because i just cant do it anymore. shes nice to talk to when she doesnt randomly start touching herself during a phone call and makes me sit there, not feeling a damn thing at her squeaky moans. when she doesnt get angry that i forgot to answer or i didnt know what to say so i ended up getting distracted. its unnerving how she knows when i wake up and texts good morning immediately; i think she has notifications on every social media i use. her saying 'i miss youuuuu' multiple times a day makes me feel like she has me in a chokehold. though if i dont love her, its the closest ive ever gotten to it, its just that the bad seems to outweigh the good right now.

part of me feels like i actually want a companion and not a lover, but it also seems boring. i dont know. im probably gonna end up lonely, seeing how things are going.

song: youre so vain by carly simon but only the intro the clouds in my coffee line and the verse about nova scotia