ludic-state-junk-space

[ludic-state-junk-space]

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Life has sucked me out of my soul that sometimes it feels like I’m just a hollow vessel. I can’t feel anything.

But all the feelings always overflow into myself every past midnight. I always get overwhelmed by every kinds of feelings and thoughts flooding at me when I try to sleep. The thing is I don’t have anybody to talk to in that time. 

So I finally know the purpose of this blog: a container for my murmurs, incoherent blabberings, and two-way monologues to recuperate my sanity.

[ludic-state-junk-space]

20220328 Mindless monologue

28/03/2022 02:45 Baru saja submit application untuk beasiswa. Gak bisa tidur. So many things to think about, so many what-ifs.

I got accepted into Columbia GSAPP (MS Urban Planning), and got waitlisted in the RCA (MA Architecture). I should be very happy.

After weighing in several factors into account, I (somewhat almost hesitantly) decided to go for the RCA and decline GSAPP's offer. Strangely enough, shortly after submitting my scholarship application, the feeling started to come creeping in: I suddenly became very sure that the former choice would be the best. Fuck. I hate being indecisive. I hate choices. And now I can't sleep thinking about this. Both programs are very different and very similar, and they will open new paths for me in ways I don't know yet. Fuck.

2 a.m. brings out a ghostly mood; a good time to reflect on things and write them down (so I can sleep soundly). As a reflection, I came up with several points:

1) The thought of declining an offer from a very renowned school leaves out a big question mark on my face. Why? Will I miss the opportunities? Am I wasting my chance? 2) Does this indicate that I still don't know what direction I want to take my life to? Why do I bother applying to somewhere I am still unsure about? 3) Am I being extremely naive and dumb? Why do I choose something contingent over other in the cards? 4) These are consequential to my life plans: what am I going to do with my life, in the next year, two years, ten years?

Of course, these points are actually pointless because 1) I have decided myself and 2) this choice is not something I will regret in the long run, but most importantly 3) I have told myself (and others have told me as well) that we all don't know what the future holds. Somebody does. He does. So the only sensible choice, after trying hard, praying lots and choosing wisely, is NOT to question the decision which you yourself made but to leave it to Him. This is a common sense, a general knowledge, but very hard to practice especially when you care a lot about the subject. (all the world is just a game).

On the other hand, this decision will hopefully leaves out several possibilities: 1) (If I eventually go to London this year) I will study something I will probably like in a city I will probably enjoy. In this case, I have to stop comparing the two choices. 2) (If I don't get the scholarship this year) I can focus on other things: get out of my current workplace and try out new things, be close with my family at home, explore new avenues and knowledge, be in a new place (physically & mentally). I will have more time to hone my skill and form my path as well. In this case, I have to stop questioning why I didn't accept the offer.

Yes, yes, I acknowledge this is a very privileged problem. I won't be starving or get killed. It is a big deal but also not that big of a deal (because all scenarios haven't materialized yet and it's all in my head, duh!)

At the end of the day, grad school is just a means to an end. And what, exactly, is the end?

يَا سَادَتِي وَمَوَالِيَّ إِنِّي تَوَجَّهْتُ بِكُمْ ,ائِمَّتِي وَ��ُدَّتِي لِيَوْمِ فَقْرِي وَحَاجَتِي إِلَىٰ ٱللَّهِ .وَتَوَسَّلْتُ بِكُمْ إِلَىٰ ٱللهِ وَٱسْتَشْفَعْتُ بِكُمْ إِلَىٰ ٱللَّهِ فَٱشْفَعُوا لِي عِنْدَ ٱللَّهِ وَٱسْتَنْقِذُونِي مِنْ ذُنُوبِي عِنْدَ ٱللَّهِ فَإنَّكُمْ وَسيلَتِي إِلَىٰ ٱللَّهِ وَبِحُبِّكُمْ وَبِقُرْبِكُمْ ارْجُو نَجَاةً مِنَ ٱللَّهِ فَكُونُوا عِنْدَ ٱللَّهِ رَجَائِي .يَا سَادَتِي يَا اوْلِيَاءَ ٱللَّهِ صَلَّىٰ ٱللَّهُ عَلَيْهِمْ اجْمَعينَ وَلَعَنَ ٱللَّهُ اعْدَاءَ ٱللَّهِ ظَالِمِيهِمْ ,مِنَ ٱلاوَّلِينَ وَٱلآخِرِينَ آمِينَ رَبَّ ٱلْعَالَمينَ

Respond to us, O Lord of the Worlds!

[ludic-state-junk-space]

Ranking tracks on INVU album

Long story short: Taeyeon released an album. I coincidentally got a week of sick leave at the same time. Thus, I had abundant time to repeat the tracks over and over again.

INVU is her third full-length album. I was quite anxious because her previous two, My Voice and Purpose, are pretty solid, especially the second one. I wasn’t sure whether the third album would even be on par with them.

After a week worth of listening to the whole album back-to-back, I decided to rate all the 13 tracks on it:

1.  INVU 9/10 Pre-chorus of the year, holy shit. Song overall is very dreamy and Grimes-esque. I have come to conclude that Taengoo’s voice is the highlight of the song and the only reason why it succeeded as a title track is because Taeyeon sang it and made it interesting. Otherwise not sure anyone could pull that off. One of the best tracks of the album.

2. 그럼 밤 Some Nights 8/10 Nothing could ever go wrong with Taengoo’s classic melancholic ballad. The song is more on a soft, empty side and has a very sultry mood. The whole verses and chorus are breathy and soft and then bam! The bridge. Also, I personally think this track is the most K-pop sounding out of all tracks.

3. Can’t Control Myself 8.5/10 Three things: i) it is K-pop, ii) it is Taeyeon, iii) it is emo-punk. Nuff said. Could easily get a 9 but I feel like there’s something missing in the chorus. Not sure what.

4. Set Myself on Fire 9/10 I consider this song as the prelude of the album. Short, haunting, and appetizing. It functions to set the mood for the subsequent tracks. A very good one in it.

5.  어른아이 Toddler 10/10 This is what a pop perfection sounds like. It is what your faves are hoping to have when they do retro-pop. Sounds perfectly timid and moody but quite groovy. The lyrics and the melody is very contradictory, though.

6.  Siren 7.5/10 I didn’t like it at first but the song grows after 3rd or 4th repeat. One of the least favorite of the album but still enjoyable. I very much enjoy the chorus.

7. Cold as Hell 8/10 Probably the most peculiar song on the album. Not sure whether Taengoo has tried this genre before, much electronic and dubstep-ish. The beat drop is SICK but unfortunately the chorus is too short. I just hope that the chorus is a tad longer, but otherwise I will have this on repeat.

8. Timeless 9/10 As a sucker for these kinds of emotional mid-tempo synth-pop songs (wow that is vaguely specific), this is one of the best tracks from the album. Emotions? Check. Vocal dynamics? Check. Songs like this is definitely Taeyeon’s forte. If songs are colors, I can vividly imagine this one as a deep bluish green.

9.  품 Heart 9.5/10 To be honest, I don’t like this at first listen. It sounded okay-ish and the chorus resembles Like I’m Gonna Lose You too much. Then I tried to listen with proper headphones and suddenly it became a whole new song. Boy, the bass is sick and the guitar pops off. One of my favorites. It still reminds me of LIGLY but not too much; I can say that this song is its darker, more angsty older sibling.

10. No Love Again 10/10 Definitely up there on my favorite list. A banger, period. If we did’t get Kwangya budget for the MV and promotional stuffs, I’m pretty sure this would be the title track. Catchy AF.

11. You Better Not 8.75/10 Early-2000 rock-punk vibes. Reminds me of Green Day and Avril Lavigne, which is nice. Uplifting but kinda sad and mature. This song signifies that the tracklist will come to an end soon.

12. Weekend 7.5/10 Honestly I skipped this song most of the time because i) I had listened to this a lot before and ii) the song felt slightly out of place. It emanates a much more brighter mood than other tracks. Positioning it right after You Better Not is the most sensible choice because the two has the most similar vibe. Otherwise, while not being my kind of music, this song is pretty and uplifting.

13. Ending Credits 9.5/10 A perfect ending song. The verses and the bridge sounds like getting ready for the ending and the chorus sounds like letting go of the past. Ending songs always hit different (and some happen to be my ultimate favorite), as proven by 기억을 걷는 시간 Time Spent Walking Through Memories (My Voice), Curtain Call (My Voice Repackage), Gravity (Purpose),  너를 그리는 시간 Drawing Our Moments (Purpose Repackage).

Overall, I can proudly say this is Taeyeon’s most solid album (so far). Definitely exceeded my expectations. Versatile and rich musicality, but very cohesive with excellent flow and clear direction. IMO the thing about outstanding vocalists is they usually position the vocal as the center stage and set other instruments aside, but not the case with Taeyeon in this album: she carefully put together the overall mood and direction, and the instruments (including the voice) follows the mood. The result is very detailed and ‘sending-message’ tracks (if that makes sense). In comparison with two previous full-albums, INVU has a slightly different pattern. Usually I have a handful of tracks I like dearly (cough Time Lapse, Curtain Call, Fire, Spark, Gravity,  Blue, 너를 그리는 시간 Drawing Our Moments) and several tracks I always skip (sorry Cover Up and Do You Like Me?). That is not the case with INVU; I enjoy all songs and every tracks are (kind of) of the same quality and care, but I haven’t found my ultimate favorite that will be repeated hundreds times yet.

I am currently considering buying the tape ver. of the album.

[ludic-state-junk-space]

Untuk apa seni?

(This piece of lamentation had been sedimented for several years as a draft. While my view towards what art is and how it should be has more or less shifted, I’d like to revisit this some time later. Might as well post this and laugh at my anak-tingkat-dua-sok-tahu self. Haha.)

Sekitar seminggu yang lalu saya berkunjung ke Galeri Nasional Indonesia. Sebenarnya sih tujuan utamanya sesederhana karena penasaran (dan penat akan kehidupan sehari-hari yang rutin dan melelahkan). Sampai disana, saya cukup kaget karena ternyata pengunjungnya relatif banyak untuk bilangan hari kerja, sebagian besar adalah anak-anak remaja sekitar SMA. Saat itu, saya sebenarnya sangat senang karena saya pikir banyak orang yang ‘melek seni’ atau senang mengapresiasi seni. Karya dipamerkan disana pun relatif lengkap—mulai dari zaman pionir seni di Indonesia, pergerakan-pergerakan seniman, hingga seni internasional dan kontemporer—dengan narasi dan kuratorial yang informatif bagi orang awam seperti saya. Selain itu, saat itu ada juga pameran temporer yang berisi karya-karya dari para seniman mengenai isu-isu masa depan (dekat atau jauh), spiritualitas, gender, hingga realitas dunia maya. Saat itu juga saya juga memerhatikan perilaku dari pengunjung galeri. Setelah selesai berkeliling, saya menyimpulkan bahwa—oke, ini sangat menggeneralisir—sepengamatan saya, banyak pengunjung yang melakukan selfie dan berfoto ria dengan latar karya-karya seni tersebut. Sejujurnya, pada awalnya saya sangat tidak mempermasalahkan hal tersebut karena memang tidak mengganggu orang lain dan karya seninya pun aesthetically pleasing dan cocok untuk difoto. Namun kemudian saya menyadari bahwa bahkan banyak orang tidak membaca narasi dan kuratorial dari karya yang dipamerkan. Sebagian orang tersebut hanya mampir sebentar, melihat karyanya, dan kemudian berfoto di depan karya seni yang dianggap bagus.

Pulang dari sana, rasanya saya kesal dan sedikit bete. Apa susahnya menghargai dan menikmati suatu karya seni?

Lalu kemudian itu membuat saya berpikir: sebenarnya, dalam konteks sekarang, untuk apa seni? Konsekuensial, akan muncul pertanyaan: bagaimana cara paling tepat untuk menghargai seni?

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Dari zaman dulu, seni memiliki peran yang berubah-ubah di masyarakat. Pada zaman Kekaisaran Romawi misalnya, seni digunakan dalam menyebarkan ajaran agama. Ia digunakan untuk memvisualisasukan pesan-pesan kitab suci agar lebih mudah dicerna oleh orang-orang. Begitu pula dengan patung-patung Buddha yang banyak dibuat di negeri-negeri Asia Selatan dan Tenggara, yang merepresentasikan Sang Buddha, untuk dijadikan contoh bagi umatnya. Seni juga pernah menjadi alat untuk propaganda penguasa dan politik. Setelah itu, seni juga dianggap sebagai sesuatu yang 'utuh’ dan 'bersih’ yang tidak boleh dicampuradukkan dengan kepentingan-kepentingan (art for art’s own sake). Setelahnya, seni digunakan untuk mengekspresikan diri, menunjukkan pandangan-pandangan mengenai realitas dan ide, alat untuk kritik dan pergerakan. Dari contoh-contoh di atas, saya bisa menyimpulkan bahwa seni memiliki peran yang berbeda di zaman yang berbeda dan tempat yang berbeda; seni merupakan sebuah cerminan dari semangat zaman (zeitgeist) atau sebagai respons dari realitas dalam konteks ruang dan waktu tertentu. Lalu jika melihat realitas saat ini, yang menjadi pertanyaan adalah: apa tujuan seni dan apa semangat zaman pada konteks kontemporer? Apakah seni menjadi koleksi para konglomerat, yang menyimbolkan statusnya? Atau mungkin murni sebagai media ekspresi diri senimannya? Atau—melihat fenomena di museum tadi—sebagai latar dari foto yang kau unggah di media sosial? Entahlah, mungkin semuanya benar? Sepertinya saat ini eksistensi diri dan justifikasi dari orang lain merupakan salah satu kebutuhan primer manusia kontemporer. Karena memang secara alamiah dan mungkin involunter, setiap orang ingin ada, ingin dilihat, ingin dianggap. Wajar, bukan? Itulah yang membuat manusia mendarat di bulan, merdekanya sebuah bangsa, hingga munculnya penemuan-penemuan canggih. Itu juga yang membuat kita senang sekali mengunggah foto di depan karya seni... Mungkin? Sangatlah banal apabila seni dijadikan sebuah alat untuk masturbasi hasrat dan justifikasi semu. Atau memang dari dulu memang begitu? Entahlah. Semoga tidak.

(2017)

[ludic-state-junk-space]

Cap Jidat

Selalu bingung kalau diminta untuk mendeskripsikan kepribadian. Butuh melamun lama untuk jawab. Saya ini... kayak apa, ya? Akan jauh lebih mudah untuk nanya orang sekitar dibanding nanya diri sendiri. Seolah-olah dipaksa harus cap di jidat sendiri: saya itu orangnya ramah, orangnya introvert, orangnya pendiam, orangnya anu. Emang iya?

Satu hal yang buat saya ragu adalah jika sudah ngecap, maka saya sudah punya persepsi yang tetap ke diri sendiri. Biasanya, kepribadian itu dikelompokkan jadi dua: kelebihan dan kekurangan. Mungkin nyatanya gak se-sederhana itu kali, ya? Agak lucu karena kita suka menyederhanakan sekaligus mengomplekskan diri. Kelebihan itu sifat yang dipandang menguntungkan dalam kondisi-kondisi yang dibayangkan; kekurangan itu sebaliknya, sifat yang tidak menguntungkan dan harus dimitigasi, dihindari bahkan dikoreksi. Tapi sekali lagi, kategorisasi itu seberapa absolut? Entah. Yang jelas, tentu saja itu berdasarkan prakonsepsi kita terhadap apa yang baik dan buruk.

Ups, saya berhenti di sini saja. Khawatir terpeleset ke lubang kelinci bahasan moralitas. Haha.

Di sisi lain, mencoba mendeskripsikan kepribadian diri adalah mencoba mengenal diri. Barangsiapa mengenal dirinya, maka ia akan mengenal Tuhannya, bukan? Mengenal diri adalah membaca pola cuaca dan merencanakan kapan akan jemur baju sebelum turun hujan. Sepertinya semua orang juga sudah melakukan hal ini, sadar gak sadar. Masalah mengatakan terang-terangan atau refleksi diam-diam itu hal lain.

Ah, menulis sampai sini bikin saya terpikir untuk mendeskripsikan diri seperti apa. Saya gak suka mendeklarasikan terang-terangan ke seluruh dunia tentang apa yang saya rasakan, termasuk yang saya rasakan terhadap diri sendiri.

Itu cukup.

Day 1 of 30-Day Writing Challenge: Describe your personality