luke-ikmr

[luke-ikmr]

Skip if you just tryna read peoples reflection post.

Oh, interested in a little more than just a reflection I see. Welcome! This was from my procrastination on like day 5 or something. I figured now that I’m posting these I may as well post em’ all. This is the last installment in my Procrastinator Concentrator series. So see ya next year Tumblr.

about the track:

So yeah, This one���s dedicated to all the people who liked my other tracks. and my band Luke Scaz and the Coconut Dads. I do it for the you guys, and I do it for my fans!!!! OH AND SHOUTOUT MELISSA AND SARA for requiring people to follow me on Tumblr -thereby forcing fans upon me.

Testimony: I would literally just open up Logic (that's the music software) and try to lay down a lil something and see if inspiration struck. It kinda didn’t on this one. This was a little forced.

But it’s okay - it’s like 30 seconds long and as I did with all the other Procrastinator Concentrator tracks - I deleted the session after I exported the track. Can never be worked on, adjusted, fixed. This diddly just is as it is and will always be this way.

Again, best listened to (because it’s not mixed) on headphones

[luke-ikmr]

DAY 7!

Alternate Title: Yoshi Takeshima is my freaking partner for the workshop!!! 

before I go on and spaz about my pairing, let me just get the obvious out of the way: Yes, today was unproductive. So much I was supposed to do -yea, same old story.

Now... onto my new best friend Yoshi :] 

I’m not the greatest communicator, giver, friend, and I’m just worried it’ll show. I worry all the time. My awesome face and apparent “ego” may not tell, but I’m actually insecure af. I don’t know if it’s something I need to go proclaiming but It’s something I think I should acknowledge a little more. That way I can work on it. Although the truth is I rarely think about this, I definitely need to be better for the people in my life. 

The recent question that incepted my self analysis was:

What do I want people to think of me?

So yeah, once I asked myself this question I also had to ask more:

What do I think of myself? What can I do about that? Actionable steps?  What would my motivation be frfr? What motivates these insecurities? Am I even willing to work on myself?

I feel like I kinda just let people down. I let myself down too. 

I have a value dependency that makes me scared to fail and take risk whatever they may be (relationships included). Granted, I’ve learned to cope pretty well over the years. 

Having issues like this are not good personal foundation to go into a committed, honest relationship with someone I hardly know. Can anyone out there relate? Can I get an Aju?

It doesn’t help that my partners a damn angel either. This man -as far as I can tell from our brief interaction- is more than a mere break dancing, volunteering, cool dude. It turns out Yoshi Is also a bonafide saint, sage, scholar, leader and more! I’m a little intimidated. lol, so my strategy is to be humble and open as possible from the get-go so that we can only go up from here.

This workshop is going to be the one I grow the most in because (1) I’m older and fed up with the temporary growth (2) I’m simply challenged on deeper levels now. I really desire to be as honest with myself and my partner as possible -that’s my best bet. God told me.

[luke-ikmr]

For a week I posted on Tumblr as part of a group bonding condition. Before I'd pass out in my bed, each night I'd write my post. But also, before writing my post I'd procrastinate. This track is the fruit of that procrastination

Totally Unmixed and Unmastered, all of these tracks are just for expressing my Ideas - not to produce anything seriously listenable. Consequently, they’ll sound bad on anything except for some good headphones. Whip out your Beats and enjoy

[luke-ikmr]

Day Sixteen

I have to stop doing this late. It makes my post less thoughtful and ...ugh.. sorry guys. Here we go.

This morning started off with some missed calls from Gabriel and some rushing out of the house. On my way out my mom tried to feed me: I couldn’t say no. My mom keeps me woke on the state of my love. She’s constantly giving. She makes me aware of how little I give rt. 

Talking with Gabriel was nerve racking. Horrifying. I was shaking in my boots. I thought he was going to ask me for my money -he didn’t. But then I thought he was going to try to move out of the state - he didn’t. But then I thought we were gonna go fundraise omg so terrifying. We didn’t though. Unexpectedly, it was just a heart to heart. Which is rare with my guy friends. But Gabby’s not a guy...

HE’S A MAN

I’ve become aware of the quantity of love-flux in my life and how its too dang low. I want more. It’s just... I would be nothing but a robotic, lame-o, selfish, lonely piece of celery if it weren’t for my friends. And I don’t get enough of my friends. I don’t wanna turn into a piece of celery. Insecurity keeps me from reaching out more. So thanks Gabriel, this morning was very affirming, vulnerable, and caffeinated. There was deja vu and I believe deja vu means we’ve intersected with Gods plan at that moment. I hope we can do that again soon.

:: Rest of my day :: 

First off, Thank you god for this day.

BUT DAMN I COULDN’T FOCUS ON MY STUDIES. Chem2. That’s the test coming up. This is an important grade for me mane. It was the only thing I wanted to do today.

I walked to the local library; could barely finish like 1 chapter before it closed. I walked back home in the rain, ran into Mrs.Johnson ( Chad’s mom), ate pasta, THEN... I saw me mum. She does this super Mexican thing where she’ll spontaneously guilt trip any of her children for no reason. Lmao she was like “I don’t know what I’ll do, I guess I’ll just lie in bed EARLY on a Saturday night all by myself.” then Luke replies, “There’s this christian thriller I’ve been wanting to watch called Silence. We got grapes and chips. Mom do you wanna watch a movie?” We watched a three hour movie. DUCK.

Granted, it was really good. I almost cried three different times. Highly recommend. It’s really confronting and powerful. It’s about Andrew Garfield’s deadly voyage to Japan where he begins to loose his religion. Yup, that’s totally what it’s about. It’s got hella hidden messages though, so mum and I talked for a while after the movie.

[luke-ikmr]

Day 5

currently listening to Kanye’s Sunday Service.

Morning

I went to the dentist and met the nicest new assistant there. She literally was hyped of life because she loved her job. She’s a force. shout out to amber I’m actually really happy there’s people out here feeling fulfilled and spreading positivity because of it. Then I went to a music store to get some equipment for MDs church instruments to improve em. 

Afternoon

Team Jesus met up for the second time. Jahyun, Yoshi, Henri, and ZENAS RUSH! Everyone’s so chill and down to spend time together I think lol. We spent like 20 minutes just using facebook messengers video effects (adding mustaches and playing games). It was cute.

Later, I was reflecting dude. Reflecting on doing this workshop and how this year I’m thinking about it more than usual but also facing more opposition inside and outside myself more than usual. My reflection got me feeling so unworthy and humble and just like brutally honest. I have big problems to work on omfg. I’m so screwed.

Night

At MD’s staff night Kaeleigh came in and just started talking about how tribal messiahship is for a transformation in you and how beautiful and simple and loving directions from headquarters kind of are. But apparently, as the information trickles down, it’s distorted af. After her relatable testimony of her challenges and growth I was straight inspired. 

Personally, there’s been a recent theme surrounding the idea of “leaving” the church. So like, people leave for either 1 of 2 reasons. 

being cultural: the suits, the rallies, the photos, the fakeness, unrelatability, disingenuous activities and obligations. 

Being in a real “I just don’t get it anymore” situation. Like - the faith doesn’t mean anything to me or I just don’t see it.

The theme has been that I shouldn’t let stuff under the first category be a reason to go. Like, if I can still get with the heart of the movement and it’s other STUFF that’s bothering me then just cut out the bs. Like, be selective with what you participate in. Be an outsider if you needa be - at least be Gods outsider tho. Kaeleigh was like apologizing for the dead rituals and teachings that have been distancing us from true parents and God. 

I really think that she coulda been transcribed and that ish woulda been a bomb hdh. Thank you Kaeleigh.

I had my interview with Sara today about the team leader pairings. Sara’s my new central figure and imma start tithing my 20% to her.r

[luke-ikmr]

Day 4

Today was good! I got all my homework in on time, got to talk to my FRIEND that I haven't spoken with in ever. But man this weekend is about to be full of studying and suffering.

Okay guys look, I’m no expert YET but apparently special relativity is about two ideas:

regarding a moving object,

what aspects change as your perspective of them changes

what aspects DON’T change as your perspective changes

These elements that remain unchanging throughout different perspectives and references frames are how we uncover universal truths. Relativity helps to explain how universal a given truth is.

In class we skimmed over this topic, I don’t think it’s gonna be on the test. But I know once I transfer to a big boy school It’s gonna come up again so I’m trying to learn it, right? Within my physics studies over the last three semesters, I’ve often come across things that I would geek out over if there were a fellow moonie in the class. What are some of these "woah dude” moments you ask? They come when I realize things like: 

the give and take necessary for all the happenings in the universe (yin Yang is formal bruh)

the consistency of equations across different disciplines (this ones gonna get me famous)

the complex inter-workings of the universe can be summed up through equations (the most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it can be comprehended)

Relativity can show us how to uncover truth (There’s a statement about this in DPch1 I think).

I know there’s more to come the more I study engineering. And these “woah dude” moments make me think of God and how we came up with this stuff. If I was able to discuss with God, I would want to know what his creative process is like.

Connecting to our roots in order to cultivate a heart of gratitude. Aju

[luke-ikmr]

Sometimes you write a reflection at 3am and sometimes you write a riff at 3am

[luke-ikmr]

DAY 3

Damn this is like the 800th day I’m going to bed late crap! I did a big thing today; I got my 3 letters of recommendation for a scholarship finalized. It’s great, it’s just that when I take a big step forward -I tend to loaf the rest of the day. So, today was not productive as I wish. 

 I guess I try to make up for it by not going to bed on time. This doesn’t make sense. Someone help. 

"Connecting to our roots in order to cultivate a heart of gratitude". 

Am I a grateful person in general? Yea mostly. Definitely not. My concept of gratitude is very narrow and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve truly felt GRATEFUL. I attribute most other experiences as thankfulness or appreciation. Those instances of pure, intense gratitude truly caused a geyser of desire to give back to the subject causing my feelings. I heard this bible passage last night while researching Jesus for our Jesus day group.

John 14:15 “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” 

To me this is Implying that IF you love Jesus THEN you can truly keep his commandments. Love/gratitude is a precursor to anyone keeping his commandments.  To me it’s like Jesus is saying “you wanna keep my commandments? First step, love me.” This analysis lines up with my previous findings on gratitude. Reading this in the other direction kinda like: “if you loved me, you'd keep my commandments” is too judgmental/ black&white for my taste.

I like that our mission statement is keeping the goal very fundamental. Shooting for gratitude first therefore not compromising anyones honesty by making them act on things they don't feel.

[luke-ikmr]

Day Uno

Lol I fell asleep on my chair watching a lecture on YouTube today. I feel like that's some next level investment into my studies. That's never happened. The topic isn't even in the syllabus I was just curious. I'm feeling really grateful for the last two days and the people I've got to work with along the way. The concert and then Church this weekend had me feeling a lil revived tbh -wasn't expecting it. I am feeling: Prayerful, like I can be me, and a desire to reflect. Shouts out HB, Amanda, Joe, Macko, Mr.Boothby, and all of you guys reading this I saw there. Takeaways from this weekend: * Choosing what you can sincerely invest into. That way you can focus on the positivty of what you are instead of getting slurped into the negativity of what you are not. * God loves me and my uniqueness.

[luke-ikmr]

Day 7

Leading Strengths!

Im soo soo sorry but my brain is on 0.1% energy. Here’s what i can give ya from the heart::::::

Im good at getting people to feel comfotable. #unity

Caring!

When i become passionate about a team or a goal i really put in a lot of energy until it’s done! You won’t find me slacking off in regards to our team.

Try not to be preachy but speak from experience 

[luke-ikmr]

Day 5?

I think a lot of this stuff comes from not having clear purpose and being distant from God.

Weaknesses are hella. I hate that im bad with managing time. General self-control. I find commitment to be really difficult. I become very self-centered when im struggling. Not so hot at communication. I never know how to support my friends when they be suffering. Am inconsistent in like everything. I....i....i could go on all day it’s sad #sadlol #lol

For both of you though, i think knowing these four will be most helpful:

If Im really struggling - then i totally shut up about it or become overly sarcastic about it. (I want to trust and open up about it, and be willing to listen)

find a lot of my value in others confirmation. (I want to look to God for offering up my goals and accomplishments more)

Tend to do things very last minute, not showing much commitment or clear intention

habit to doubt and that leads to inaction and not making decisions (hope to pray, then trust myself and God)

But i got you two! So ya’ll will help me overcome! 

k bye

[luke-ikmr]

Day 5

What traits do you most value in a person and why? 

Focus #iwannabelikeyou

Determined, efficient, driven, specific, hard-working! Always thinking! not wasting time! That inspires me so much! I wanna be that productive! 

Thoughtfulness #wowyouthoughtofme

I feel so loved; but, mainly impressed when people can think about others more than themselves. When someone is concerned or in love with another person so they think about how to love that someone even when they’re not face to face?! Attending others!? Wowza - thats an amazing person to me.

Honesty! #thefallwouldnthavehappened - 

Even in a worst case scenario honesty is just expediating the inevitable imho. If there was one virtue i’d wish you share with me it’s honesty. For my own sake and yours.

Humor! #ballsarefunny

I have a hard time staying serious for too long. Please people of the world, excuse my need for comedic relief. If you can stay lighthearted in stressful situations then you’re a God

I could speak on every virtue ever. lol the scout law (i was a boy scout #eagle) has twelve virtures and they’re all so important to me. Actually solid list of things to develop through your life. you could check it out!

How do you feel most connected to God?

Prayer. There’s a first prayer and a second prayer. those second prayers are what gets me. You know the first prayer is where you fold your hand and say gratitude and pray to liberate the world. You’re nice and you can feel like a good son after that. 

Then the second prayer comes out like “But god this is how i reallly feeeeel!” AND THATS WHEN YOU CAN SCREAM! however, they only happen if you actually have something to say. Prayer is always how i’ve had my deepest revelations or realizations. The answer’s can really truly come to you if you’re sincere and patient. 

It’s rare though

[luke-ikmr]

Highlight

Thanksgiving was my very favorite ever! Best thanksgiving ever for real! Three baby’s! The level of cuteness was through the roof! A best bud from my bridgeport days is visiting for the weekend! My whole family is here! Strangers were invited too! The strangers were vegitarian! New Friends! Inspiration from fellow engineering majors!

You wanna hear the best part? No lie, the part that brought me the most joy was the cooking and the spread. So my sister and I both make a lot of effort to eat vegan. She made three vegan dishes, i made one too! My aunt heard i was vegan and she made three! MOST OF THE FOOD FOR THE FEAST WAS VEGAN! MY PLATES FOR THE LAST 365 DAYS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FULL AND DIVERSE! I HAVENT FELT THIS STUFFED SINCE I WAS A MEAT EATER! I used a recipe gabby’s mom actually recommended to me lol. I changed it a little but it was a home-run! Jesus, it was a big win for vegans today. I felt a lot of love and acceptance actually. It was also the first day I haven’t thought about school! Present and energized and interested in others. I liked who i was. I feel good.

But honestly, my pal from the olden days seems to be struggling AF. Imma take him out to breakfast and hopefully we can actually talk and share. Yea, lay down some real foundation.

Goal(s)

Yo frfr I haven’t even thought of this seriously. That prayer condition at the beginning was kinda insincere... Sowwie :| I think personal reasons were kinda shady, but public goals were easier. Frfr though you cant have one without the other so idk. Anyways, here’s my thoughts. I am open book bitches:

[Here we go! Goals! Ya’ll ready for this? It’s gonna be idealistic af

I definitely want to make new connections through loved. Especially the ones who don’t even know they haven’t been getting/accepting/feeling loved you know? 

I wanna be dead tired. 

I wanna have a one on one. 

I wanna go out of my comfort zone comforting others. 

I wanna be totally focues and present on the how the kids are doing

I want to be attending to the team + leaders generally

I want to experience God personally!

I want to be confident in what im giving. [Damn i really don’t wanna feel like im unworthy coming into this. I frfr feel pretty lame compared to the amazing humans we got for staff. Especially you two!  I'll set hella conditions, abandon negative habits draggin me down, report everyday. I don’t want no baggage that I feel will be holding me back. I know from experience you can’t connect to God without being in the right space. Getting to that point isn’t always a one day, one prayer, one try thing. We have to kind of trek to a whole different place.

Man idk..  Damn why am i doing this... Dude i really just want to connect to God. That heart to heart relationship is why i do all this youth ministry stuff. It’s kinda sad actually. Like a lil boi just wanting to be with his pops. But i feel like there’s so much between us. I do YM to help me grow too! But mainly that’s my deepest desire for youth ministry - God relationship. Screw all the days i went to YM forgetting that. I mean, the relationships with the kids are great and they bring me a lot of joy, but man Luke get your head on straight. Always battling. 

 Idk, how can i connect to Gods heart through youth ministry workshop guys? I know, giving talks+recieving love from my peers is how I’ve experienced it in the past. It’s been a while since I’ve considered this.... hmm...Generally i want to focus on how i can understand Gods heart. Aju

But thats just me. When it comes to goals for the team, I think im already pretty clear on that. I want to just help them become close. Honesty, and vulnerability, and co-dependance. Especially in terms of their lives of faith. How freaking cool would it be if they were all down to support each other. affirm each other?! wowza.

Sorry I’m a little meh. Thanks for reading yall

[luke-ikmr]

Day 3?

My family is large. Our “extended family” is just as close as our immediate family so I consider my family to be 14 people. Imma speak of the family members that had the most impact on me.

I’m gonna skip over a lot of details I hope y’all don’t mind too much!

Quick Sibling Description:Straight immediate Its just seven of us. There’s a good-sized age gap between myself and the rest of my siblings. My mother told me there was a miscarriage and a period of a few barren years between my birth and my next oldest sibling. I grew up with all 4 of my siblings until I was 10 years old and then my brothers moved out. So, It was me and the sisters for a good length of time then they went their separate ways. It’s cool to see now though that the older and physically more distant we’ve all gotten, the stronger our sense of family and togetherness has grown. I think It’s really just because of how unconditional my parents have been with all of us. I think they knew throughout all of our phases and rebellions that if we were loved and not judged - we would always come back.

Growing Relationships.My eldest brother Josh is where I see the most room for investment. He’s 12 years older than me and I see him like once a year. I do want to develop deep relationships with all of my siblings though. I think among most of us there are a lot of unsaid things. We all have gone pretty separate ways and had our own very unique paths. I know part of me wants to regain the relationships I never had with them, but I want to be intentional about it before I attack them with love, and interest, and attention, and questions, etc. My only reason to actually get close is….because It feels right. I think it’s just something I may intrinsically desire, and it just seems natural. Part of me feels like they need me: a younger sibling they can support/help BUT also as someone who invest actively into their faith. An arrogance in me feels like I don’t NEED NEED them. I do however acknowledge that family is a school of heart. Loving and breaking through to them and connecting to them is really like training/foundation. I appreciate that through my family I have constant opportunity to lfso and expand my heart and empathy. By learning these things through my family also, there’s like little-to-no risk involved.

I wonder how God’s heart could be manifested through our family if we were more connected. I wonder how our lives would change.

My Parents.I think I have a relationship with God only because my parents have helped me understand Gods love. I don’t know what to tell people who don’t have loving parents. I don’t know how to connect truly to God without that example already existent in your heart.

I feel undeserving of my parents love. For that reason, I live everyday with respect and a serving attitude towards them. I’m very intentional with the way I treat them. I really try to be a good son simply because I respect them and all they’ve done for me. In the process of simply trying to “pay them back” for all the love they’ve given me I’ve also developed Hyojeong AF. Like, It started with more communication and that led to learning more about their lives and interest. Then I learned about their beliefs, and every day I try to get them to be honest with me about their hopes and dreams and its amazing! They are seriously righteous as hell and I would totally be friends with them if they were my age. At the same time, they put so much into being who they need to be to support our family. They are really my greatest blessing.

Closest sibling.Andrew! He’s actually married to my sister. He hails from California. We have similar interest and he encourages my creativity. He opens up to me a lot and in turn I feel I can with him. I definitely feel a lot of support from him. While I also feel that kind of with my blood siblings I definitely feel more freedom w/ Andrew for some reason.

In conclusion. I have good relationships with all my family but definitely not as deep as i want. I aspire to be an example of how i want us to treat each other. Im grateful. I want to make them proud. 

[luke-ikmr]

What Makes You Most Happy?  What Was One of Your Favorite Workshops You Went To? Why?

Dang Chanwoo, these are some real questions. What the duck man!?

What makes me happy? Well, holy shit this this a question I’ve been wanting to ask myself for a while! Along, with the question “what makes me unhappy?” I’ve been wanting to recognize patterns that help me and that slow me down. So i can be more efficient and stop making the same mistakes spiritually. So Chanwoo thank you for asking!

Definitely some of these things are satisfying just because they tame deeper desires. Despite these things being impure, conditional, temporary, not rooted in God, these are honestly what seem to make me happy.

-->  Building relationships

--> Expanding my passions with people 

--> Accomplishing my goals

--> Taking risk

--> Witnessing Beatiful tings

Most Happy? Building meaningful relationships takes the cake.

Favorite Workshops? Tbh i don’t remember much of highschool workshops and I’ve only been to a small amount of workshops. Sikeeeee on GPA there was like 10000x workshops. DP workshop at the end of the year was probably my favorite cause i got really into lecturing. I was especially doped up because i felt God through a book rather than fundraising. this experience helped to solidify my faith greatly. 

ACTUALLY... my favorite workshops were the ones i staffed. Vision Quest this summer yo

[luke-ikmr]

Monday

Hobbies - A huge passion of mine is creating music, lately im getting into producing (mixing, writing, arranging, mastering). I have a very necessary relationship with guitar and i don’t know what I’d do without it. Actually music has taken over previous hobbies like sports, and exercise, and socilaizing....... but without it I’d probably be most sad. I’ve been playing for 8 years and i recently starting drumming. I hope to one day learn piano! Music theory would be nice to understand too...but It’s definitely a big investment of time. For now, i’d rather just learn new songs.

“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." I also like to walk in the woods. Mountains are cool too, but damn they tiring. Watersports are aight too ig. I’m really into long distance hiking and how you just become wild out there. I was a boy scout, and am an eagle scout too! Definitely shaped a lot of my interest and friendships.

I’m lately learning i really enjoy problem solving. But not just annoying problems like we have everyday. But issues with layers and nonintuitive solutions are sooo satisfying to solve. I’ve seen this come out through design, mixing music, arranging music, planning, and math! 

God - I didn’t always believe in God, i was definitely skeptical and fought for most of my teenage years. Even in youth ministry, i would only attend for the people; faith was whatever. But in the last couple years I’ve come to know God and his love for me and all people. Unfortunately, God has been on the backburner for a lot of major times in my life. The hills and valley’s are real. I am challenged to be sincere and consistent. I’m currently working on a recommitment to having for God in my life for real! Commitment is something i really believe in the power of!

TP -  I can not deny true parents as being my savior. They’re mentorship and guidance is the reason I get up when i fall down and the reason I’ve cultivated the goodness i have within me now.  They’ve framed who God is for me. Through their teachings, i work on my personal relationship with God. Im most grateful for the emphasis they’ve put on family, my family is my heart. So i’m definitely grateful for TP - but I do not have a personal relationship with them. But am open! 

Bullshit around the church really doesn’t get to me like it used too. The way of life being taught is rock solid! So, Im more or less done comparing myself with friends who have left the movement. And it would be nice if all the rumors and controversy stopped but.. eh whatcha gonna do? 

Thank you for reading team! 

[luke-ikmr]

Feeling Ready For Excellence

Reading Sara’s post made me wanna take advantage of the 40 days left before the workshop.

So im going to start a 40 day prayer condition. I’ve never done prayer for 40 days besides fundraising lol. wish me luck ig! I just really wanna have something authentic to offer for the participants. 

Also S/O to the endless opportunity for growth we get from youth ministry! I’m grateful i have the opportunity through the leadership of MELISSA! and Henri, Kaeleigh, Sasha, Etc, to be able to offer a BETTER experience than i had as a highschooler in youth ministry.

I think it might be the coffee i just drank but im stoked out of my mind right now. I’ve had alot of the shitty times where I’ve let myself down and hurt God. I wouldn’t go through this if i didn’t give af. So despite the frustration it causes today im feeling grateful for the relentless desire to be better everyday. I hope i can own it for the rest of my life. with that said, thanks to all you lovely people reading this because you always make me feel better in those down times!