lukebaker-archive - Tumblr blog

[lukebaker-archive]

Announcement from Simpson:

Students and Faculty of Degrassi,

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the grave tragedy that took place over the course of the weekend.

A member of our senior class Lucas Baker, better known as Luke, tragically passed away on Saturday night. 

Luke was a son, brother, and an incredible talent on the ice and field who was recently accepted to The University of Florida on a baseball scholarship to further his education. He will be mourned by our entire community.

Grief counselors will be available on campus to all students throughout the course of the week, and a moment of silence will be held at the beginning of the lunch hour in remembrance of our fallen panther, and a bright young light burnt out too soon.

[lukebaker-archive]

       lukebaker​ is now listening to when the party’s over by billie eilish →

date: friday evening, april 2020. after he left the lock in. location: luke’s apartment. sober/clean: 13 days, 6 hours, 29 minutes, 38 seconds. word count: ~1180 advisory warning: this is based off and uses the mun’s own personal addiction, diaries, and recent relapse. if drug usage, relapsing, drug addiction, or slight death ideation is triggering, do not feel like you need to read to know what happened.  do not send anon hate or question her experience with cocaine, addiction, and na.

Looking in the mirror at such lifeless eyes, reality was setting in at what he has become. Was this his reality? Because nothing felt real anymore when he was sober. He met his own cold, icy blue eyes and just came to the realization, Luke didn’t want to die, he just wanted to disappear—hide in apartment—until he felt good again. And if he’d disappear all he could wonder if they’d miss him or what he did for them. These withdraws, the comedowns—they weren’t just bad days. They were seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks that it felt like the world was crumbling beneath him, burying him in the debris; everyone watching Luke Baker self-destruct before their eyes; settling the blame on teenage angst. But what would have been easier, was being honest. Maybe had he told someone outside Imogen and Dallas and all his other friends who knew about his problem or at least his usage and didn’t do anything to stop him, maybe he wouldn’t be here right now. Maybe he wouldn’t be on his bathroom floor, compact mirror, plastic straw, right hand clenching the recently sharpened razor blade breaking down his rocks. 

The cravings didn’t start all at once. It happened without him noticing, but it happened, and when it did–Luke drowned in it. He had tried other drugs, booze, weed, even steroids, but then… Then he tried coke, and nothing else mattered anymore. The world made sense. They said it only takes one time, Luke never believed it. There was no way, but they were right.

He felt okay, most days, but then it hits him. Everything he was hiding from; the self-doubt, the guilt, the pain all came flushing back. Every word and action felt like it was drenched in regret, frustration, and uncertainty; and there was no place louder than your mind. Luke couldn’t remember if it was life or the drug that broke him, nowadays he thought he was never together in the first place. It’s always just been this way.

And this time–Luke wanted to take sobriety seriously. He wanted to recover, but then he remembered how at peace, how calm, how quiet letting go was. Sinking into himself and letting the coke take over. Luke knew one thing all too well, but the time you’ve thought about relapsing, you’ve already lost. It was easier, everything was easier. Things felt real whenever he was high. Things with Fiona were good then, he was a better brother to Becky then, he was a better everything when he was high. But when he was sober, he was a lot more honest and caring. He tried sobriety, but every night he stayed up restless, sniffling, fiending. Luke loved being high, the only thing he hated was that he couldn’t stop.

His lines were small, match stick length, but he needed it stronger. He needed a bigger rush. Luke knew he was supposed to stay with the same size throughout the session or he was gonna build too big of a tolerance and not get any higher.

Yet a part of him knew that that wasn’t going to happen.

And when he began to breathe that cut up white powder in, when he hit his nose in just the right spot, he was suddenly weak in the knees. Luke had to push all the negativity out of his mind. He was already a few lines in and there was nothing telling him to stop. A gram gone and a new one being chopped up. He had bought about seven grams, planning to even them out through the week, one for each day. But that plan quickly went out the window once he begun and the white powder clouded his mind. Maybe if he did a few more lines, everything would go back to normal, maybe everything would feel real again. And over time, it was all he wanted. That feeling of nothingness. That sensation of feeling something. An oxymoron, but something that only made sense when you’re flying.

A part of him was protesting within himself not to build his lines, but he knew he needed it to maintain his high. All he knew was that he needed it right now. Snorting the lines, his nose being on fire, the numbness taking over the front of his face. It was an all too familiar feeling that he loved. Even as his body was protesting, he continued with more lines. The redose times went from two every hour, to four every 30, to one in each nostril every 15 minutes. Anything to avoid the eventual comedown. With cocaine, the party stopped a long time before Luke was fully addicted. But truthfully, it never was partying. He was high, but it wasn’t fun. His life was fully consumed by his addiction; when the night turned to day he was trapped in the brutal cycle of blowing his money and blowing out his septum.

This wasn’t a party; this was a fucking nightmare.

Right now, Luke didn’t want to be okay. He wanted to fall apart, wanted to stop trying. His sponsor was right; people tend to go back to the things that have been killing them when they no longer remember how to be alive. And Luke was ready fall right back into the one thing that made him fell alive. His life might have just been a bunch of maybes, but one thing was certain, he was never going back to sobriety. This was all he was and all he’d ever be. Sports. Religion. Family. None of that matter anymore. And in the back of his mind he knew that all along, but it was easier to blame the addiction than his actions.

But once he went down to his opening his third gram, an overwhelming sense of dizziness washed over him. Standing, Luke wobbled a bit, stumbling as he leaned on his counter for support. His heart went from beating at a thousand miles a minute to a snail’s pace. Luke’s chest weighed him down, feeling heavier and heavier by the moment. It was as if everything in his body went numb and all he could feel was the beating in his chest.

You never think that last time is the last time. You think there will be more, you think you’ll have forever–––but you don’t.

All the air around him began too thin and though he reached his goal of total numbness, in the distance he could feel the waters rising. The undertow in his body was bringing harsh currents of breathlessness and terror pushing and pulling him in. He was beginning to drown. The lights seem to flicker and flickered until the room turned cold. Everything around him stood still, but a voice continued to linger: one more line, one last time. The music he once heard blasting was now just white noise as the silent tension between his addiction and his mind grew. The voice growing stronger and stronger.

The house went quiet, and as did Luke.

[lukebaker-archive]

You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell

Something my friend told me the other day (via perrfectly)

[lukebaker-archive]

The only difference between the addict and one who is drowning is the one who is drowning knows it. The addict will drink the sea until it becomes him.

Michael Lee- The Addict, a Magician

*I think about this quote a lot.

(via murlin09)

[lukebaker-archive]

artbyfiacoyne‌:

Fiona looked up at him as he pulled them back apart. She shook her head, sniffling, as she gestured dramatically with her hands, “Why? Why would you think that?” She needed to know. She deserved to know. How had her mother gotten the love of her life to agree that he was Fiona’s problem? And why would neither of them allow Fiona to decide herself.

"I.. I gotta go,” Luke said, raking his hands through his hair. He didn’t know what else to say. He kew that if he tried and reasoned with her, the more he’d be tempted to try to rekindle, to try and stop her tears, but he couldn’t do that. Not to her, not to himself. They both deserved better than tis on and off again. “Take care of yourself, yeah?” 

break your lovely little heart.

[lukebaker-archive]

                                                  𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙰𝚍𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚝:

It's The High That Conquered You                  Stole The Soul From The Friend That We Knew. 

i. the ocean––noah gunderson. //  ii. a long december––counting crows. // iii. i want a dog––hobo johnson. // iv. my body is a cage––arcade fire // v. goner––twenty one pilots. // vi. when the stars go blue––ryan adam. // vii. ten years older––jarrod gorbell. // viii. dreaming in color––dame. // ix. careful now––copeland. // x. ring the bells––satellite. // xi.you are not a robot––hoodie allen // xii. leave me alone (i’m lonely)––p!nk. // xiii. xiv. lovely––billie eilish , khalid // xv. flightless bird, american mouth––iron & wine. // xvii. details in the fabric––jason mraz. // xix. holocene––bon iver. // xx. rescue my heart––ms mr. // xxi. i’m not okay (i promise)––my chemical romance. // xxii. unsteady––x ambassadors. // xxiii. car radio––twenty one pilots. // xxiv. mount everest––labrinth. // xxv. changes––xxxtentacion. xxvi. superman (it’s not easy––five for fighting. // xxvii. wicked games––the weeknd. // xxviii. i fall apart––post malone. // xxix. i’ll try––kj apa. // xxx. round here––counting crows.

[lukebaker-archive]

The League of Idiots.

@wildtorres , @dallas-micheal , @lukebaker

[lukebaker-archive]

[lukebaker-archive]

[lukebaker-archive]

incorrect quotes ( 12  )  /  degrassirivalsrp edition.

drew: two years ago, i married my best friends.

clare: awwww

drew: yeah, vanessa, fiona and lia are still mad about it, but dallas, luke and i were drunk and we thought it was funny, so...

[lukebaker-archive]

Even more treacherous than he is attractive, he has never uttered a single word without some dishonorable intention. Stay away from him.

[lukebaker-archive]

fionas. [ @artbyfiacoyne ]

I loved you because it was easier than loving myself.

[lukebaker-archive]

bakerona 🌙 late night

imogen: was honestly too shocked to do anything. she just kind of froze in place for a second, not expecting luke to ever cross the line he just had. this was wrong, for so many, many reasons and imogen could name all of them. they were both hurt and vulnerable, but it wasn't an excuse to hurt other people they cared about in the process. imogen didn't kiss back, instead she pulled away as she created a virtual distance between them. staring at him confused, imogen proceeded to ask, "luke, what are you doing? we don't do that," imogen spoke softly, unsure of what to say or do at this point. she'd assume that he was just caught up in the moment and imogen was willing to brush it off as nothing, but for now she wanted nothing more than to go home. "can you just take me to my house please?"

lucas:'s mouth dropped open, surprised even in his own actions. he didn't know what had came over him, it just felt /right/, but the way she looked at him churned his stomach into twists and knots. luke never though she'd look at him this way, or even speak in a tone of hurt. "i... i.." he fumbled. luke just simply nodded, starting up the car and pulling off the parking lot. luke turned the music up on his radio, just wanting to drown out his thoughts and hopefully not have to explain himself. where would he even begin? it wasn't that far of a drive to reach imogen's block. and the entire ride was in complete silence minus the white noise of the car radio. he didn't even dare look at her, just stopped on the curb and cut the engine. "i get it if you never want to speak to me again," luke finally spoke, eyes on the steering wheel.

[lukebaker-archive]

[lukebaker-archive]

bakerona 🌙 late night

imogen: just smiled sheepishly, shrugging her shoulders slightly because she just figured she'd already messed up pretty badly earlier, she just needed a little bit of space to breathe and work out her feelings. she made an ass out of herself and she wasn't gonna do it again. sighing softly, "what're you looking at, weirdo?" imogen then asked teasingly, raising an eyebrow at him. imogen was never the best when it came to emotions of any sort, she'd rather run from them than embrace them openly, it was just the way she was. but throughout her entire friendship with luke baker, imogen was glad that he found someone in her to confide in about everything without judgment. she'd never take that for granted.

lucas: snapped back into the moment once imogen's voice cut the silence. "sorry you just––" he paused, was he about to say beautiful? no, no way not him. luke opened his mouth once more, words not finding their way out. "kinda spaced out for a second. i wasn't being weird, was i?" they were alone, both in over their heads with their whateverships, and just wanting some sort of affection some sort of certainty that they weren't so broken, not too damaged to be loved. everything in the universe was telling him stop, but that didn't stop luke from moving closer, didn't stop izzy from creating chaos, didn't stop luke from pressing his hand in the nape of her neck and pulling her in for a kiss.

[lukebaker-archive]

ktmats‌:

Yeah, I’m fine… Look, Luke. We can just talk about the whole elephant in the room here and move on. I’m sorry for whatever part I may have played in what happened between you and Fiona.. I really am.

You don’t gotta apologize. We had other shit, guess you just gave me a reason. I don’t got any ill feelings towards you, her yes, you no. 

[lukebaker-archive]

bakerona 🌙 late night

imogen: rolled her eyes playfully. "alright, alright. i'll talk to him. after i eat," she proposed, totally unaware of how hungry she'd been until luke parked his car in an empty parking lot once they'd got their food. as he spoke, imogen couldn't help but look at him with admiration. luke was far from perfect, but he had never tried to act like he was. he wore himself proudly and it was something imogen could commend. "it doesn't define you," imogen affirmed. "you're so much more than that and you've got a bright life ahead of you. i'm proud," she beamed, genuinely happy for her friend.

lucas: "yeah yeah, after," he replied rolling his eyes. luke turned to imogen, a wide smile covering his face. he wished it was always this easy. he just felt so open and vulnerable, but in the good sense that he knew his thoughts and words were safe with hers. luke reached out, grabbing her hand and interlocking it with a slight squeeze. he had never heard anyone say that there were proud of him. it felt like a foreign emotion, like a warm feeling in his chest. he was speechless, just looking over the girl in awe.