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from Saturday Night Live S38E07

For some bizarre reason, this video makes me disgustingly happy…

FYI: in order to master the sloppy swish, a great deal of training and dexterity is actually required (especially for a co-ord like me)

In my quest for perfection, I would like to apologize for scaring the crap out of:

Johan

Friends who have have witnessed my 'anything you believe, you can achieve' Mokiki moves on the dance floor after 'a few' drinks

The neighbor's cat

Passers by who can see into the lounge window during 'practice' time (actually, for you, I'm not that sorry, you snooping b*stards!)

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A few days ago, I was watching a Ted Talk by Meera Vijayann. While the focus was on the very worthy topic of finding one's voice against gender violence, something else struck me. Hard.

While I consider myself to be a feminist, the topic of empowerment always seems to leave me feeling though I am a spectator, cheering on women overcoming tough obstacles and finding their strength, but never really being part of the journey. I have thus far been lucky enough to avoid some of the more horrifying ordeals which many women have endured. I have dealt with my own share of troubles regarding more subtle variations of gender inequality, but on a whole I consider myself to be fortunate.

But when topic of empowering oneself came about, the following words struck me:

'No-one ever tells you that true empowerments comes from giving yourself the permission to think and act. Empowerment is often made out to be an ideal… some wonderful outcome…'

Is my perception of empowerment more of an ideal than a living, breathing way of life? And, chillingly, am I truly empowered?

In responding to a journalist who covered a tough personal experience, Vijayann mentioned she experienced self doubt. She could approach it from vastly differing perspectives, so which should she pick? I realized that I approach an issue in the following way: as thoughts flow through my mind and an internal debate rages (complete with pious nosed opposition candidates and echoing, indignant tones); I empathize with various perspectives and deliberate on the logic associated with each. Sometimes I balk at the stupidity of certain opinions and then try to understand where the logic dropped off or where the noble emotion got twisted. I simmer. And then I choose silence.

I know I have a brain and can speak with confidence if my opinion is asked, and depending on the crowd, I can adopt the most pleasing perspective. I realized that I have not been silent - I've been, when I hit the right note, what people describe as 'educated and charming'.

I experience self-doubt. I am afraid that I am less informed than others. I am afraid that my opinions may be naive. When did everybody else become the expert and I become unsure? I am afraid of being wrong. When did it become ok for others to make mistakes, but not for me? I am afraid of offending others. I am afraid of trampling on others. When did everybody else get the right to discourse and I become a smiling puppet? I am afraid of being stupid. When did everybody else become right and genius? I feel as though everybody else is in the debate and I am left out in the hall. When did everybody else get their tickets and I get their echoes? Part of the problem is that I have perhaps given too much power to my perception of 'everybody else'. As Vijayann so aptly put it: 'the first step to empowerment is to give yourself the authority, the key to independent will.' I realize that, while society plays a part, I have chosen not to have a voice. I have positioned myself as one of an entity of people who 'deny themselves rights'. While others have differing reasons for this, I got a new and reassuring inkling that I am not alone.

When Vijayann said 'true empowerment comes from giving yourself the permission to think and act,' I decided to take action. Starting this blog is my first shaky whisper. I hope to one day roar.

P.S. I would like this blog to be a collection of my own hopeful, nostalgic, fanciful treasures. I hope to find my voice, not a consistent voice for for a blog.

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