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I'm at this really weird moment in life,
Where everything is being deconstructed
And simultaneously rebuilt.
The problem with this is, I feel like I'm standing still
While the storm surges all around me,
Stuck in the eye of a hurricane.
Unsure of the future,
Not trusting the past,
Reminding myself that I'm okay. Here. Now.
So I'll trust in the process,
Release all control,
Surrender to what this storm may bring.
This is the chaos of creation.
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Ananke
I ploughed the whole yard, I couldn't stop. She won't let me. Rain plundered and thundered. A sideways strike across the sky. This is the way I stripped down for naked and walked towards the centre of lawn in a trance, under the full moon. It continued to flash and rumble for what felt like every movement I made. For every branch snapped, Varuna would snap back. I built a sacrificial fire by the altars and slept on the floor watching the flames. Warming me to sleep but awaking warnings interwoven into my conscience. I've seen tomorrow in my dreams, I was was stomping through the storm, holding onto my hat, staring angrily towards the void ahead. No one can convince me not to make this step tomorrow, I will be drenched and soul quenched.
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Saturn transiting 12th House
He has twisted and taken away every single thing I find dear and crushed it with overwhelming force, I'm twitching while saying this: it was FOR me not TO me. This is a treat, not a trick. This is the uncomfortable truth. They were my hidden enemies, all of what I've been shown these last 3 years -redacted examples- I am truly free for the first time in my entire life. It's time to reclaim my place in the pridelands.
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self sabotage
feels like I'm breaking out of jail, haven't seen my friends or family for years, all luxuries stripped, trapped and deathly malnourished. I'm down to like 40 kilos?? no boobs, bones sticking out, hair coming out in clumps. Disgustingly unhealthy. I joked that I was participating in Ramadan because I wasn't eating or drinking water before sunset. Then I kept doing it long past sunset and Ramadan. The real joke is I don't even know why I keep putting eating/everything off? I let every distraction fill my mind until my body screams. Feel like it's worth mentioning that this isn't drug-influenced. This is a sober mind and body free of even weed, wine and anti depressants. Free of everyone and everything. I reached out to every friend I cared about last month, cutting the cord suddenly a week? ago. Actively hyper-focusing on anything that isn't myself now; is it ironic or cosmic comeuppance that the people I love inspire me to hate myself?
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Facebook memories has done more for my sobriety than AA.
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going deep into the drafts:2014
It’s 4am, again.
Bowie’s crooning into my ears whilst the forth incense of the evening crawls around my lung crevasses. Fin’s snoring little corpse just announced “POLAROIDS ARE DYING YOU FOOL” as she rolled back over, meanwhile I’ve just spent the last hour exceeding my own limits of sleep deperation drawing Heartless'
T
CANT words CLOWN WILL EAT ME
To put it bluntly I guess it feels fucking weird. I haven’t been able* to visualise a future since The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
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