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[lunaplumxx-blog]

Conscious Stream

I decided it's time to post my first 'conscious stream'. I was stoned when I wrote this, for me it's a very deep & personal thing. A lot of self exploration happened. As it's written as the thoughts are happening some of it may not make sense as I've tried my best not to edit it unless it's genuinely unreadable although there is a section where that happening is relevant but all will make sense when you read it. I'm a little scared posting this but here goes nothing! This was written a little while ago and I've come a long way since then but I feel it's important to include all of this here as it's a huge part of my progress to this point! When you sneak in at night after a smoke & every move you make you have to be completely silent. The thought of being caught stoned by one of my parents is terrifying! It makes my shoulders feel very tense. It hits my throat chakra i think. That made my right shoulder twitch intensely. I feel very open to my chakras when I'm stoned, that's why I prefer to be alone. It's addictive but it's easy. The thought of actually experiencing it as intensely sober scares me. That reallyyyyyyy made my shoulders twitched & a tense feeling in my throat too! I've got so much I need to get out into the universe but I can never fully put it into words quite like this...wooah that made my bum tense like crazy, my root chakra. I feel an intense grounding feeling after writing that down. Weed intensifies EVERYTHING! So in turn when I'm high I'm more in tune with that side of myself. I feel completely open. I just had the most insaneeeeee connection with my crown chakra. I feel like I'm being grounded right now, pulled towards the earth. It's begging me, it's begging me to stop smoking weed. It's an addiction Luna, using that name when writing this cut my connection...thinking about a fucking blog during this experience, whilst writing this to think about the fucking internet is ridiculous which instantly deepen my connection & in turn every time I though about the Internet broke the connection & recognition of that deepened my connection. It's like the top of my head is open the feeling of connecting that deeply to the earth & universe flowing down to my heart, a mad rush. I can feel my hips opening a little, like they were pulled out, loosened a little. That's my root chakra?! I'm still new and that's ok too btw missy! That's your sacral chakra right now in your tummy, that's why the pain elevates quite a lot when you acknowledge that factor. It's ok the make mistakes when writing this, stop being so fucking hard on yourself to be perfect every fucking TIME!! You're setting you're self up to fail based on feelings deep in your brain of repressed childhood memories of your father that are not but feel impossible to get past because they're so buried, tucked away with everything pre affair. Fact. That gives me a kinda warm feeling in my tummy. It's crazy!! I know I can achieve this sober but I'm fucking scared & im terrified of opening up to my parents about it. There's so many fucking issues with Danny still and it irritates the FUCK out of me!! 😡 I debated whether to put the emoji or not for about 30 seconds and when I relaxed, stop over fucking thinking for a minute and chose to put the emoji, put two and then deleted on because it dropped down a line 😂 my root chakra twitched. Then when I put the the crying with laughter on my throats and now my back feels warm. Every time I stop myself from correcting a spelling mistake my foot twitches so I defo agree that the foot chakra is very important. I just want to achieve this sober but I'm scared. THAT made my toe as wiggle! Wow this is insane I've never done this stoned, just sat and writing the thoughts that go through my head as they happen which in turn creates this insane feeling of dare I say it a temporary moment of my chakras being open, being grounded to the earth, to myself, my true fucking self! I nearly deleted that last fuck then and that one but I stopped myself which made my throats warm and my bum cheeks twitch 🙊🙈 CRAZY! THAT WAS INSANE!! I understand why weed came back into myself, it's to give me a push, it's my reminder to not be scared, to allow yourself to connect with the earth sober. You don't need weed. Now you've seen what you can do with all your FfUCKING chakras open!! SO FUCKING DO IT! STOP BEING SO SCARED, OPEN UP TO YOUR MUM, nows the time to get your friendship back again, you damaged it a lot worse than you thought. I'd forgotten how good friends we were. I think that's why I found Gilmore girls at this point too to be honest, to show me what I had kinda thing. That gives me a warm feeling and makes my shoulders go funny and my throat a little tight, I think thats my sub conscious talking through my body. This is just...]+]. This is it, it's time. I think this is the final push, this is that last thing allowing him into your head, you've got to let it go. That makes my head go fuzzy and my heads a little numbish. I get it, that's how he used it with me, that's whys it bad for me. It's done you good the last two times, it's shown you the way to this point and now I'm done. I can feel so many chakras tingling, head is squeezing right now. That's the old hold he had, make your brain a little fuzzy everythme you slightly see how he used it, what he really did you you, how much look at my wright right. Ow, I barely can. That's the hold, the 29 fuck. Leg shaking right hip pulling leg straight, that hit something, my root chakra I think. Did admitting that shit, writing it down just trough me a little ...he doesn't like it. I understand now. But he's not really there anymore and that's ok too babe...did I really just call myself babe 🙈😂 it's like there's a filter there, stops me remembering all that shit, that makes my left bum cheek go mad!!!! Wowza! Head! Lost it. Throat tightening bum cheek it's ok, accept it you can have this sober too! Thought don't need this shit. You don't need him. YOU DONT NEED ANYONES APPROVAL BUT YOUR OWN!!! I MADE SURE I RETEAD THAT AND IT MADE ME ROOT CHAKRA TWITCH ITS SUTHLE AND SOVEING 😫 I'm scared and I don't know why when it feels so fucking amazing. I'm scared I can't feel this connected though but my body feels likes it telling me that it can, I just have to change shit. Stop living in a shit, hole, create a routine, eat cleaner, look after yourself! Hair. I need to get this fucking real with myself sober but I get scared and I don't like asking for help but if I don't I'm going to slip I can feel it and I really don't want to. Thank you autocorrect 😂 I think it's time to sleep

[lunaplumxx-blog]

Sharing true thoughts & feelings

I'm a privileged young woman. I have a home, a family, a car, a job, a business, the list goes on. But sometimes I feel as though I just want to die. I suffer with mental health issues and I have since I was 15/16. Over the years I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety & an emotionally unstable personality disorder, this can make everyday life feel almost impossible at times. Some days I get up and the world is a beautiful place, things are great and I see my future growing and blossoming in front of me. Other days I wake up and struggle to get myself out of bed, I just want to sleep for an eternity, the world becomes a dark & hateful place in my eyes. I know those feelings aren't true or real but when I feel them they go so deep it's a struggle to not let them win. I'm someone who finds things easier to deal with when I can talk about them, therapy has always worked for me and I'm in the process of going back to therapy however the wait is always a long one so I decided now is the time to start a blog. Not for anyone else to read but for me to put my thoughts & feelings somewhere. I've tried writing a diary and I suck at it so I may suck at this just as much however what I have started doing is making notes on my phone when I'm really struggling so I thought I'd use this space to put them all together. I've recently started using oracle Cards, I only use them for myself at the moment but I try to read for myself everyday. Some days I can talk to whoever about what the cards tell me, other days it's things I know I can't share with people because it's about my past. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, we broke up 2 years ago & cut all contact a year ago. He's since moved on to someone else but I haven't. I don't want to be with him because I know how damaging & toxic that relationship was but it still hurts, I guess I'm still not over it but I can't tell people that. I can't tell my mum, who I talk to about everything, that I can't move past or stop thinking about my psychotic ex. That most days my cards tell me that's my biggest problem and what I need to work on and move past. That we have an extremely strong psychic connection that means he can still get into my head without being anywhere near me. I decided this is the place, my place where I can share all those things, those thoughts & feelings that are so deep I can't share them with the people closest to me. I don't care if no one ever reads this, I need to vent this & maybe one day look back on it & see how far I've come. If you do read this, if you have got this far then thank you. Thank you for being here, reading this & giving a shit about a human being that you don't even know when we live in a world where most people only care about themselves. Over my time writing this blog I'll post some of the notes from my phone, some of them are a little hard to understand as I was stoned whilst writing them and they are literally a conscious stream of my mind at that time. When I'm high I have a deeper connection with the spiritual world & the earth which I'm now working on transferring into my sober life. Anyway till next time. Luna Plum xx