lunarmoonmoth

[lunarmoonmoth]

Suffocation at its finest

My pulse feels weak as you pull away from me with ease

I gaze at once was admiring what it has that i don't

Constantly craving the touch and validation in which will never be received

Late night texts spiking my anxiety of what could be a terrible fate

Old feelings linger back into this broken heart of mine

It feels as though you don't care

Wishing for happiness to embody me whole so i can finally feel at one with myself

Not constant hatred for what looks back at me

I'm not him but at times i very much wish i was

I feel as though your seemingly bothered by me

I just wanna feel whole again

Unlike i've ever felt before because then i can feel eternal happiness

My brains scattered and broken into millions of pieces and i search allover to find whats missing

Nothing ever fills that void

Nothing ever will

Or at least i think nothing ever will

This shattered heart aches and aches for something in return for what is taken

You don't feel like i do

Do you

Do you feel saddened in a sense when i'm not around

Or does it not affect you

Shutting out the noise in my head by drowning in a field of dead flowers

Constantly hearing the happiness around you tends to slowly tear apart your mind

Brain constantly scattered and drifted

Can't tell if i feel anything really

I feel numb to any feeling

I feel the tears as they run down my face but i am in shock of their origin

Why must they shed

I feel nothing until this sudden burst of sadness reaches its hand out to me

Pure pressured i take its hand let it lead me afar because that is all i've known

All i will know truly

Suffocating and drowning in this void at times

Feeling swallowed whole against my will

Sucked into a void of melancholy music and fucking up my life because thats nostalgic for me

Offer me some help and i'll turn it down because its my problem so i must rescue myself

Not before the others

Never before them

As they matter more than anything

I'll still be here

Maybe not as full but its more important that i'm still here

I don't bother

I don't want to be a bother

Nobody wants someone who complains or vents when shit gets tough because god is that annoying

We all have problems so get over it

Choose an outlet

Or a place all your hidden secrets lay

Where no one can judge

No one can hurt you

Act fine until they cant see the reality

Punch, hit, yell

Anything to stop the noise of it all

That suffocating and honestly annoying sound that follows you everywhere

Playlist after playlist

Only 10 ish songs cause no way i could do anything more than that

Raising my mother at times wishing she would return the favor

Getting let down again and again without fail

Trusting you

I should trust you

That would be a mistake

You'll run if you learn of what's inside the notebook i keep hidden away

Away from harm

I wish someone knowing i loved them would be enough at times

It never is though

What was i really expecting

Truly

Could i be more of an idiot to think that would ever be enough

That id ever be enough

I told them

I told them to keep you safe

And selfishly to keep you here with me

I love you too much to leave you to rot like i am

You deserve better than that

It's scary

The thought of having to bury you

I should've said something sooner

And i hate how no one else cared that you were suffering in this big black hole

But me.

I needed you

Selfishly

I know

Why'd you tell me you love me

Unexpectedly

No reasoning

Just those three words

[lunarmoonmoth]

Wishing he loved you wont change the fact that he doesn’t.

[lunarmoonmoth]

Am I projecting and too scared to let myself actually fall this time or am I just overthinking shit as always. He deserves more and deserves better. He’s frustrated with my self hatred. I blabber and blabber because I like testing the waters. I really really really really like him but I can’t be vulnerable. That would be detrimental.

[lunarmoonmoth]

Change

Knowing you may never change hurts me. It’s like a very painful lie I keep telling myself in order to keep you here with me. I am not ready to let you go if my assumptions are true. “I’m sorry” is all I know, it’s the only way I know how to fix what I have broken. So I am sorry for letting you down. And for not being enough at times. Im sorry to you.

[lunarmoonmoth]

My hands feel as though they are covered in sandpaper which makes it hard to understand why you want or feel the need to hold them. You’re soft and gentle hands holding my rough and jagged ones feel as though it was meant to be.

[lunarmoonmoth]

TW SH AND SEWERSLIDE

I like the feeling of water on my skin . The cold feels nice against my broken flesh. I love laying on my back, it feels like I’m dying. Peace. I’m finally at peace. At the bottom of the ocean when I’m all alone I feel at ease. The best feeling in the world. Peace and quite, just me and the water connected as one. Emptiness is filled with happiness at times. I’m feeling good. The feeling of tightness in my chest as all air escapes. The feeling of panic and then a sudden bliss of release. I feel one with water, like I have a meaning in it.