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Scott Street, Phoebe Bridgers

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The feeling you get in your stomach when your heart’s broken it’s like all the butterflies just died

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pain nd pleasure

Usually I’m much better at turning pain into poetry than I feel as though I am today. I’m a mess. 

One year ago today, I began a mental health treatment program that ultimately saved my life. During this time, I was in a relationship so toxic and abusive that I am left with the flashbacks and heartache even to this day. I do not miss him, nor do I still love him, but each time I think of him, I get sick to my stomach. I am afraid to open up to people. I paint a smile on my face and carry myself with laughter, even when my heart is breaking. I am so afraid. He destroyed my fire, my light, my zest and taste for life. I was robbed of innocence by a man who disguised himself. Since I am in a different relationship now, I never noticed how much my past affected me until I was quaking with fear when it came time for me to tell my boyfriend “hey, I’m having an off day today.” Though he cradled me with love and affection, I expected a response such as “you ruined my day...stop complaining...you’re too fucking much...” and so forth. Each and every day he made sure to tell me how I didn’t compare to his ex, I wasn’t “chill” enough, how I was too much to handle, and how I should stop asking him to make time for me. 

Another thought that has been weighing on my heart recently involved my fear of abandonment. I have convinced myself to believe that others are only nice to me because they pity me, and in some ways I’ve stretched reality to affirm this belief. Sometimes, I’d like to be the one who got away, the one someone regrets losing, the one someone admires, instead of being on the giving end of things. I want to have an impact on someone and mean the universe to them, enough that they would do anything to avoid their world crashing down. 

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i’m always breaking my own heart :(

from my journal

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i feel fucking broken...

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i love cats because they will literally just smack anything they don’t vibe with

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“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts,rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”

— Liam Neeson - (hatin)

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Funeral, Phoebe Bridgers

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“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”

— Rumi

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By tamedwild

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