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i wish we never met, ‘cause you’re too hard to forget

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i wish i could come up with the words to tell you how much you matter to me.

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“Sometimes you meet someone and even though you never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favorite color.”

— Anonymous (via icy-brunette)

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“we almost dated” is such a weird relationship to have with someone

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Para sa babaeng mamahalin niya at makakasama niya habang buhay,

Maswerte ka kaya’t ingatan mo siya. Mahalin mo siya ng buong puso mo. Intindihin mo siya sa mga panahong may pagkaignorante siya. Damayan mo siya sa mga panahon na kailangan ka niya.

Alam kong imposible na magkaroon ako ng iba pang kahulugan sa buhay niya bukod sa pagiging kaibigan na lubos na sumusuporta sa kanya, kaya’t heto ako nagsusulat ng liham para sa iyo - ang babaeng mamahalin niya at makakasama niya habang siya’y nabubuhay sa mundo. Alam kong imposible pang marating ang matagal ko nang pinapangarap dahil tingin ko’y ako’y inilaan lamang para maging kaakbay niya sa mga panahon ng paghihirap, para maging suporta sa mga panahon na siya’y nakapaglumbaba, para maging kasama niya sa mga kwela at tawanan, para maging kadamay niya sa mga panahon ng kalungkutan. Ngunit ang limitado lamang ang mga oras na ako ang tatayo sa tabi niya, dahil kapag dumating ka na sa istorya, ikaw na ang makakasama niya.

Gusto ko lang malaman mo na napakaswerte mo sa kanya. Kaya’t sana’y ingatan mo siya. Sana’y huwag na huwag mo siyang susukuan. Sana’y hawakan mo nang mahigpit ang kanyang kamay at huwag mo itong bibitawan pa. Dahil sa oras na sabihin niya na mahal ka niya, dadalhin at isasama ka niya sa mga pangarap niya.

Mahalin mo siya nang higit pa sa pagmamahal niya sa iyo, habang ako’y nandirito at hindi na manggagambala pa dahil alam ko na ang posisyon ko sa buhay niya.

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Dear A,

Looking back and reading all my unsent letters to you that you won’t ever be able to read, I’ve come to a realization about how life really works, and how unfair it seems to be. Once upon a time, in my 18 years of existence in this mad mad world, I fell in love with you unintentionally – unintentionally in a sense that it was out of my control, and if it was, I failed to recognize the feelings sooner. At first, I thought it’s probably just a simple crush. But the feelings grew and grew as the time passes; the more I deny it, the more I feel this intense feeling.

It takes a whole lot to register the fact that after a few years, I still feel the same towards you; that everything is still there –  the inevitable loud thuds in my chest, the nervousness in your presence, the surprisingly genuine laughter after every joke you made – but I know this time around, I’ve got to hold back even tighter. Because a thousand wishes from a shooting star or a thousand coins dropped in a wishing well wouldn’t change the ugly truth that: you are not made for me. And if I was, I’m only here as a friend. Our situation made me realize that in life, there’s always one person… One person you’d always have feelings for. And the love you have for that person would remain as is and wouldn’t be erased even if hundreds of people would attempt to get to your heart. The love for that certain person would forever remain in you heart and memory  – a love that couldn’t be surpassed by anybody.

It suddenly made me wonder about how this whole thing started. Was it your eyes that forms into a straight line every time you laugh? Was it your laugh? Was it your not-so-funny jokes but came out actually funny because of the way you deliver it? Or was it the way you set your goals for the future? Your dreams, your hope towards success, your ambitions? I honestly couldn’t remember the details, but all I know is that it started with an, “Uy Shane, sa harap pala kita.” So much things happened after that, but on that exact day, February 2, 2013, I admitted to myself that I like you (through my diary).

It’s crazy. Because up to this day, I still do.

I know it’s completely wrong to say this but I now understand why I always tend to fall out of love. Maybe the reason is: I was kind of hoping I’d find you in them. It doesn’t matter if the guy isn’t you, but maybe they have just a tiny bit of you. And I know it is impossible. Because you’re you, and you’re different from them. Or maybe the other reason why I tend to fall out of love is because I loved the chase. All my life, I’ve been dreaming of wanting to get close to you. So maybe, just maybe, I’d never get satisfied until the person I got to hold is you.

I know it’s selfish but that’s how it is.

Hopefully, this would be my last long letter to you. I want you to know that I still feel the same, only that I’m not stressing myself with the what-ifs and uncertainties anymore. We’ve become friends. More than friends. And for me, it’s already something special.  Because throughout the year after our unexpected meet-up, I learned how to open up to you about a lot of things I never got the chance to speak out with anyone else before, even myself. And my most favorite of it all is that we never had any hesitations to be ourselves when we’re together – no judgments or insecurities.

You were my 2017 plot twist. You said I was yours, too. But I know you don’t see me anything more than just friends. A friend to tackle intellectual talks with - our dreams, our goals in life, our favorites. A friend who’s always there every time we’re in need.

It’s strange that I don’t feel any pain in my heart knowing that we can’t be more than just friends. Maybe because I’ve already accepted it. Maybe this is what the Lord wants: To bring us back together after years. To get to know each other after years of being apart. And to find a real friend – someone you’d keep for life.

And I have no idea when this feelings would last, or how it would still remain even if throughout the years, the results remain the same: unreciprocated.

I actually don’t care, though. Friends or not, these feelings would still go on. To be honest, I don’t even know if this love is still romantic or finally evolved to platonic  – it’s somewhere in between.

Maybe now it’s safe to say that you were my first love. The only crush that ridiculously went on for years. The only person who was never been mine but will always have feelings for no matter how hard I try to forget and let go.

You.

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This one’s my first and last written letter to A, and probably the very first long letter I’ve ever written for anybody since high school. This letter was 3 pages long and has been saved ever since in my old wattpad account. I never attempted to delete this, though. The letter’s a bit cringe-worthy, but let’s give my 14-year-old self a break, shall we? I was too blind and in love.

Eto yung nakalagay sa author’s note ko. Yeah, I was about to transfer to another school so I decided to write him a letter. Yes, I actually gave it to him. I didn’t give it in person, though. Recognition day kasi and the honor students were receiving their awards and medals, so pinaabot ko na lang sa friend ko. (Hindi ako yung honor student, by the way. Siya.) Anyway, I just want to share the letter. Something I never regret doing, I’ve never regret writing, and I’m still proud of myself for mustering the courage to do such risk up to today.

Dear A,

Uy. Iiksihan ko lang kasi alam ko naman na madali kang maboring at baka sabihan po pa 'ko na ang corny ko. Alam ko naman kasi ugali mo. Ikaw ang pinakamayabang, pinakamahangin, pinaka-proud sa sarili, pinakamanyak, pinakamasungit na at the same time pinakamabait na lalaki na nakilala ko. Naks. Uy, ngingiti na yan. Haha!

Alam mo ba kapag naaalala ko yung kung pa'no mo nalaman na crush kita, naiinis ako. Pa'no kasi sarili kong bibig nagsabi sayo! Pesteng dila, nabuking tuloy ako. Anyway, hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ako nagkacrush sayo. Hindi ka naman gwapo. Hindi ka naman gaano kabait. (Siguro sa iba ang bait mo pero bakit pag dating sa'kin, ang sama sama ng ugali mo. Yabang mo, promise.) Pero matalino ka. Masaya kasama. Ang daming alam.

Ang cute lang nung may sasagutan tayong slambook para sa Values, nagtanong ako, "Ano bang hobby ko?" tapos sabi mo, "Ikaw, lagay mo, watching movies, reading books. Di ba yun naman hobby mo?". Dun ko lang napansin na close pala tayo sa isa't isa. Lalo na nung first week ng Grade 8, tinanong mo ako ng, "Sino nakaupo sa tabi mo?" sinabi ko, "Si Mike." tapos sabi mo, "Sabihin mo sa kanya, palit kami ng pwesto. Wala akong makausap eh." Alam mo bang kinikilig ako nun?

Nagkukwento ka sa'kin tungkol sa mga movies na napanuod mo, sa mga libro na nabasa mo, sa adventure mo kasama yung kuya mo, sa most embarassing moment mo.. Grabe. Close pala talaga tayo 'nu?

Halos lahat alam ko na tungkol sayo. Tungkol sa mga dating crush mo, sa mga nagkakagusto sayo, sa ugali mo sa bahay, kung gaano ka kabait, grabe ka magalit.. Basta! Ang dami! Hindi ko lang alam.. Kung sino ba gusto mo.

Kinilig ako nung sumandal ka sa'kin nung nagmovie marathon tayo kela Chesca kasi sabi mo sanay kang nakasandal habang nanunuod. Kinilig ako nung nag aya ka na ihatid ako sa bahay kasi sabi mo wala kang gagawin. Kinilig ako nung sinabihan mo ako dati na sobrang matulungin ko. Kinilig ako nung time na nagtaka ka kung bakit ang tamlay ko, hindi ka kasi sanay. Kinilig ako nung chineer up mo ko nung down na down ako dahil sa pesteng project sa Elective na yan. Kinilig ako nung mga time na palaging magkasama tayo.

Ginawa ko ang lahat dati para mapansin mo 'ko. Pag may kailangan ka, binibigay ko. Pag may gusto ka, ginagawa ko. Kasi gusto ko mapuri mo 'ko. Mapansin mo 'ko. Tapos nainis sa atin yung bestfriend ko. Nandyan ka lang daw kapag may kailangan. Ako naman daw si uto uto.

Doon ko narealize na hindi mo naman kailangan ibahin ang sarili mo para magustuhan ka ng taong mahal mo. Just be yourself, tama na yun.

Gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na sa taon na patay na patay ako sayo, salamat kasi kahit kailan hindi mo ako iniwasan. Ibang iba ka sa iba, Min. Ibang iba. Salamat kasi kahit aware ka sa feelings ko para sayo, normal lang yung pagturing mo sa akin. Salamat sa pagiging mabuting kaibigan. Salamat sa kilig moments. Tsaka sa anim na taon na pagsasama natin sa iisang classroom. Okay lang sa'kin na hindi mo ako magustuhan, basta alam kong magkaibigan pa rin tayo, okay na sa akin.

Mahal na ba kita? Hindi. Parang di naman. Hahaha. Corny ko na ba? Nacocornihan na ko sa sarili ko eh. Kung binasa mo man hanggang dito, salamat. Sana hindi mo ako makalimutan

I crush you kahit crush mo siya. (Sino ba?) Madami pa akong gusto sabihin at itanong sayo pero okay na 'to. Sabi ko kasi iiksian ko lang. XD So, ayoko magsabi ng bye pero kung kailangan, kailangan. Bye. Thanks for the memories.

Love lots,

SHANE

What happened after? He gave me a goodbye message through facebook chat. March 24, 2013. A day to remember.

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Dear A (second draft),

— Some days are full of hope. Some days ‘hope’ is not even a word. And if you want me to choose which of those perfectly describe this day, then I choose the latter. This day, hope isn’t even a word.

I love you in the most self-destructing way. It scares me how selfless I become when it comes to you to the point that I’d drop everything I’m doing, and forget the doubts I’m having just for you. You make me take risks and deal with impetuous decisions. You make me feel everything all at once, sometimes I don’t understand myself anymore.

Loving you feels like swallowing fire. The type of love that burns down my throat and down to my stomach, yet a minute of your absence can grow frost into my soul. Like a rope tied in my belly and was pulled so tight, I feel like throwing up. And how I badly want to scream so loud the remaining air will finally escape my lungs, enough to make me feel numb. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

And that’s it until you hit up my phone at 9 in the evening, and in that moment, all the doubts started to fade away and it was enough to make my whole day. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t turn away that despite the fact that I always knew loving you will be the death of me, I know I’ll always stay and hold on to the slightest chance, again.

I’m fucked up. I’m tired.

It gets harder everyday. With every minute passing by, without you knowing, I feel the guilt inside my heart growing. That behind these laughter, genuine smiles, inside jokes and silly conversations we shared, is a love that wasn’t supposed to be here in the first place. And each hour spent admiring you from afar, is enough to feed all my demons with never ending hope and wish upon the stars.

That someday you’ll notice me. That someday you will fall for me.

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Dear A (first draft),

— Have you ever felt lost in track as if the world stopped spinning, and your mind just stopped functioning for a moment? And when a lump formed in your throat making it a struggle to let out just one single word from your mouth as if something caught your voice? Let me tell you a funny thing; that is what I feel whenever I was asked if I love you. Love is a funny word, you know? And even if I try my hardest to come up with the right words to say, I don’t. Because answering “Yes” would not be enough.

I want them to know how a day feels so incomplete without hearing your voice. I want them to know how it feels warm and fuzzy for my soul whenever you talk about all the things you love. I want them to know how it gets hard to breathe whenever you feel sad. How do I tell them a day isn’t as wonderful when I don’t see your smile? A minute isn’t as bright without your laughter? And a second with you beside me is enough to fill the gaps between deep sighs and uneven breaths? That it kills me to think that you still love her, and that I might never get over you knowing the fact that I did, but the feelings came back? I guess it never really left. It came back. How do I tell them that it doesn’t matter if the feelings are not reciprocated? And that I don’t want these feelings to be forever spilled on these blank pages?

How do I even tell them about the sparkle in your eyes, and the way you speak for yourself, the way words flow from your mind? And how it lights up my world whenever you call my name? How do I tell them about how the universe seem to instantly found a way to make the pieces fit? And how I fell in love with every bit of your imperfections because they make up the whole you? How?

And it is quite funny how not even the word “Yes” could justify the reason why I love the person I could never ever have.

You.

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Nothing. That’s what we are.

Dear, A

How sad it is for the things to start with rainbows and butterflies and end with nothing but exactly the opposite. How sad it is for the silence to completely swallow us whole, the fact that we’re together but we don’t talk too much, probably because we ran out of things to say. It is the deafening kind of silence; almost deathly, the one that makes it harder to breathe. Or maybe, the silence pretty says a lot about what’s becoming of us. Nothing. The possibility? The chance? It’s all nothing.

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All the other universe conspire.

Dear A,

In the parallel universe, where obviously, things are so much better — where nothing could ever hurt us, where happiness is all that is was, where everything is instant and we don’t have try so hard, where we could breathe into the perfection that we’re struggling to have, we won’t still happen. Maybe, no matter how we had all things figured out right in front us in this world of perfect and better, we still won’t be together. In that universe, the love didn’t have to end. Maybe because in that universe, it is nowhere possible for the love to start. And that’s how it’s really supposed to be. We aren’t meant to be. And I don’t think we’ll ever be.

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Now off the hook and into the sea, this is the parallel universe of you and me.

Dear A,

In the parallel universe, where obviously, things are so much better — the grass is greener, the ocean is deeper, the earth is richer, the sunset view is clearer and the sky is within reach, we worked out. In little things and lovely places, we fell in love. It didn’t matter who fell first but it was enough to acknowledge that in that universe, we held on for the possibility of us and much to the hope we built within ourselves, we ended up sharing the same intensity of the love we’ve been feeling for each other. Things were quite easy in this world for just in a snap, we got all things figured out. Our fingers intertwined, the sand beneath our feet, the ocean waves dancing right in front of us while we watched the sun set for the night to begin. We had the time of our lives, and it was easy to rip our soul and give them to one another, to share our hearts, still beating like the pulse in our wrists, ready and whole. We didn’t have to think twice before giving it out, for the parallel universe is the world where one would be less broken and the other would be more willing to try. And in that universe, we worked out while we got everything figured out. In that universe, the love didn’t have to end. In that universe, at least the possibility of becoming an “us” was real. In that universe, at least I got to know how being loved by you would feel.

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Guess I didn’t see this one coming.

Dear A,

Our paths crossed again just like that, without any of us planning to. Maybe it was between midnight and dawn. Somewhere between endless stories, hilarious jokes and laughter that makes us forget how to breath. Or maybe it was between the dead air and silence to which we could only hear the background noise around us. The barker calling out for passengers. The other passengers inside the vehicle with us busy doing their own thing. Or maybe it was between the awkward aura we felt at first and the comfort we started having after. The jokes that make you laugh out loud like we’re the only ones in the crowd. The heartfelt conversations to which there’s passion in pursuing our dreams. The promises of excluding expectations from our minds and to accept the results by heart no matter what.There are a lot of in between’s to consider but I don’t know which one made me fall over again. Maybe it was my imaginary idea that we’re, perhaps, meant to be, which only exists in wee hours separated by our cellular phones. Or maybe the glimpse of hope that caresses my soul when our friends said that they didn’t even got the point of staying up at night talking to you about random things. I didn’t even realize that these random things would mean so much to me.It was just until then when we started talking again after a long time. Guess, I didn’t see this one coming: I’m gonna have to spend the rest of summer with you. And by summer I mean, three months studying with you. Three freaking months! Which also means, three freaking months of holding my feelings back so you wouldn’t know.

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I’m writing again because you told me so.

Dear A,

You told me to find my own hobby. You told me to do what I’ve always loved to do. “Go write,” You said. “When I can’t think of anything else to do, I make art because art is what I lived for.” It’s crazy. You’re crazy. How come you know all the right things to say? How come one word from you is enough to inspire me in doing what I’m thinking to try. You encouraged me to try taking the entrance exam of the university we’ve been dreaming to attend. You made me reckon on the stuffs I want to achieve and if I have enough guts to go pursue it. Somehow, you made me believe in myself. You made me want to try. To push myself to the limits. To take the risk. To hold onto the chance and never waste it. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. A lot of “what ifs” rummaged inside my head. Somehow, all the self-doubts,anxiety, uncertainty and fear dwindled a bit. Just then, the sun rose up radiating in positive wave and enlightened my soul. And there it was, pushing through all the worries and idiosyncrasies: hope. Today, you gave me hope.