lunedream

[lunedream]

of eights and ds.

i feel like i’ve been waiting a long time for this day to come though it’s only been a month or so. a few major things were supposed to happen today. the vm. the apps. couple of other things that i can’t, for the life of me, remember. this day is supposed to be the day he disappears. for good this time. i’m assuming all those texts are gone. i still have his number but it’s just sitting there. i know i’ll never dial or text him ever again. and that’s ok with me.

for, what seems to me, the longest time, i thought i could never let go of him. and then time passes and yeah he’s still somewhere in the back of my mind, but i’ve got other things to worry about. i think there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of him. and going to certain places still triggers me. even thinking about him and the time we spent together hurt me, even till now. but it’s all in the past now. i move on because that’s what i do best, and honestly at this point, what else am i supposed to do besides moving on. i don’t want to go back to that dark place. it was so emotionally and physically draining for me and i took it out on the people around me, which wasn’t fair. i have to be better than that this time.

anyway. double standards are a bitch huh. why is it ok for a guy to be comfortable exploring and acting out on his sexuality, but when a girl does the same, she’s a slut? why does society impose such a modest guideline on how women are supposed to behave in terms of sexuality? why can’t we express it the same way men do, while not get shunned for it? it’s ridiculous. so i’m a slut for wanting to explore my sexual needs but it’s totally ok when u do it because you were “broken” and wanted to “fill a void”. yeah ok. sure.

[lunedream]

remember that time i spent almost $200 on lingerie only for the guy to ghost on me lol i cant believe i thought at one pathetic point in my life that i might actually be in l*ve with him like tmi but he gave me an ********* ffs honestly im just so glad i didnt give him everything though sometimes i wish i didnt give him anything at all

[lunedream]

i miss kissing and making out and wandering hands and just intimacy in general sighhhh :( 

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one of the saddest feelings ever is when you’re missing someone who doesn’t want to see you anymore. at least i tried to make it right, however flawed my attempt may be.

[lunedream]

I hope you all find yourselves sleeping with someone you love, maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. The touch of a foot in the night is sincere. I hope you like your work, I hope there’s mystery and poetry in your life — not even poems, but patterns. I hope you can see them. Often those patterns will wake you up, and you will know that you are alive, again and again.

 Eileen Myles, The Importance of Being Iceland (via eireas)

[lunedream]

The belief that humans are even remotely important in the universe or are anything more than bugs crawling a wet rock in the cosmic scheme of things is incredibly ignorant and self centered.

[lunedream]

But then it passed, as all things do.

Khaled Hosseini (via quotemadness)

[lunedream]

oh ya omg i just remembered at work yesterday this guy said to me “ur beautiful” to which i was like umm thanks?? but i was so uncomfortable bc the whole time his daughter was looking at me like “im so sorry my dads like this” god how embarrassing 

[lunedream]

shades of blue.

i’ve been thinking a lot about whether i should write this, let alone post it on something so public, but it just hit me that i’m writing this for me, not for anyone else and it is kind of a healing process for me. writing has always been therapeutic and it’s a way for me to organize my thoughts into a coherent thing so why not.

the past year has been messy. eventful. traumatic even. (real dramatic, hanis.) there were some good parts in there, but it was just an overwhelming year for me. and it all started because i was trying to get over a guy that was never mine. which is laughable to think about because life’s funny in the most humourless way possible, isn’t it? anyway, everything (kinda) worked out in the end but i’m still trying to cut off some strings left hanging. as cliche as it sounds, i want 2018 to be the year for me. i finally have tangible plans for this year, which is more than i can say when i started 2017.

if there’s anything that i learned the past year, its that i’m still terrible when it comes to commitment. i’m selfish; i can admit that much. i remember having a conversation with a friend in february (on v’day no less!) about how i can’t commit in a relationship because i feel like i might cheat on the person i’m with. several months later and guess what happened lol.

well in my defense, we were never a thing in the first place so i thought it wasn’t a big deal. in his defense, we would have become that thing if i didn’t ruin it. god, that was just a mess.

he was the one thing i never saw coming last year. i never planned to fall for him, or anyone else for that matter. so like all good things in my life, i sabotaged myself and ruined it. and it was over just as suddenly as it began. in the end, he said that we weren’t good for each other, and i agree even though a part of me desperately wants to believe the opposite. we’re just at different phases in life, and i think it would’ve been worse if we continued. but time heals all pain right? maybe one day i’ll get past this. one step at a time. moving on.

anyway, this past year has been a year of risks and doing things i shouldn’t have. but i don’t think i regret it one bit. it has taught me valuable life lessons and it really has been a formative year. it would even have been funny if i can look past the painful parts. like how that one time i went out with this guy and he literally rapped this whole verse he wrote to me and i had to stand there and wait for him to finish because he was my ride home lol. that was awkward. and “cum on my bed noq” which doesn’t sound that funny without the context behind it but it’s too explicit haha. and i still don’t know who the fuck my creepy stalker is but he/she/it was harmless. kinda. idk if the stalker is gonna make an appearance this year but i really hope not.

lets talk about the hellhole that is tinder, where all the ~fun~ began. i joined tinder not really looking for love or even for a genuine connection. it was literally just for an ego boost and also to mess around with the guys on there. i never even planned to meet any of the guys irl but look how that turned out. also, like i said, i was trying to get over someone and i guess that’s also part of the reason i joined tinder. which was kinda funny because we matched less than a month later so uhh idk what life was trying to tell me.

basically i felt like i was unnecessarily mean on tinder oops. sorry everyone, especially d*** for raising your hopes up (among other things lol). i never meant the words i said. and honestly it amazes me the extent to which guys would go just to get some. sorry to that guy that sent me his nudes only for me to end up critiquing them. in ur defense, its not unsolicited (kinda). in my defense tho, it was really small lol. sorry to (daddy) neal and ur audi sportscar, our lessons will probably never take off. sorry to boing boing guy whose name i forgot. sorry to every guy i left hanging, it was never that serious to me. until i met him of course. and then everything changed. and then i just had to delete the app. so yeah joining tinder was a mistake, but a fun one, nonetheless. at least i wasn’t a catfish though i probably should’ve been one. it’s kinda unnerving knowing that there’s at least a thousand guys out there who knows of my existence??? if that makes sense. i probably should’ve used a different name and picture but c’mon where’s the fun in that right?

ok now that mercury retrograde is over, i feel like i’ve been an overly dramatic bitch???? i mean im already dramatic as it is because i love to romanticize everything but it got a whole lot worse. here’s to 2018 being the year i finally learn to dissociate and switch off my emotions! cant wait.

[lunedream]

the rain reminds me of you

[lunedream]

i deserve so much better than this

[lunedream]

I’ll tell my daughter about you someday. Someday when she’s laying in my lap with a broken heart crying so hard she can’t breath, I’ll tell her about how when you left I didn’t think I’d ever be whole again or how for months after I laid in your spot on my bed screaming into the pillow or about the time my mother sat on the end of my bed crying because I hadn’t eaten in days and she was worried. I’ll tell her all these things but then I’ll tell her about the day I woke up thinking about something other than you, and about the morning I made waffles and didn’t think about how they were your favorite food, I’ll tell her about the light at the end of the darkness.

@prepstersinpearls (via championsaremade)

[lunedream]

“I’m so out of love with you. I’ve got nothing left for you.”

Blue Valentine (2010)

[lunedream]

louvre

our thing progresses you call and i come through blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you

[lunedream]

You can’t just touch my soul and leave.

(via seduction)