lurizhaadza

[lurizhaadza]

Not Being Good Enough

have you ever felt like you think you are not as good as people thought you are. Or not as good as you think you are. Like, you always have the burden to prove that you are always good so people will keep thinking that you’re good. 

But in fact, you’re just tired of trying and fighting. You want some break-time of all the struggle. Relax, and just be whoever and do whatever  you want. Without worrying the judgment people will make, or the altering thought people will have to you.

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?

i am young. i got many offers after my graduation yet no offer really amuse me. I always want to be working in this international law field, but I have not seen this offer. I do not know what i wanna be, but international law career seems so tempting to me. Discussing about a lot of things related to states and so on and so forth. But mom would not understand it, mom sees it from her financial perspective. 

what can i do?

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To eventually become an option to someone else. It hurts.

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A Friend.

Here i start a conversation. Asking some private questions. And there's no "how about you?". So i think we are just a friend.

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The drought was the very worst, When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst. It was months, and months of back and forth, You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore. 

 –Clean, Taylor Swift

[lurizhaadza]

Fearless: the most awarded country album in history! Speak Now: the best selling self-written album by a female artist! Red: the highest first week sales for a country album! 1989: the most awarded pop album in history!

Taylor Swift everyone

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Hello, my dear exception!

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I'll spend forever, wondering if you know..

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You are clever. Until you fall in love.

- personal experience

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Selamat berbahagia, kamu yang sedang jatuh cinta.

[lurizhaadza]

Aku bersyukur tiap detiknya ketika Tuhan memutuskan untuk membunuhku dengan rasa cinta penuh nafsu pada anak sulung yang tak pernah mau tahu. Dibiarkannya aku menderita dalam hitungan kata. Dibiarkannya hatiku tercabik menahan rindu dari anak laki-laki dungu. Dibiarkannya aku menangis sedu ketika hujan memburu. Satu bulan. Dua bulan. Tangisku tak kunjung reda merindu. Tiga bulan. Si dungu datang lagi padaku. Tuhan hadirkan segala pengharapanku. Tuhan mungkin kasihan padaku. Namun. Belum dua puluh empat jam, runtuh luluh seluruh luruh. Aku mati lagi. Sekarat lagi. Berharap pada manusia. Aku rasa aku sudah telah selalu akan mati. Menenggelamkan diri bersama luka berduri. Membiarkan diri sesak terisak. Tuhanku memang terlalu baik. Dengan segala kuasa-Nya, entah bagaimana dibuatnya aku bertemu satu malaikatnya. Sebagai kurir surat. Hanya parasnya menggemaskan dan lebih sedikit suka tertawa. "Kau tak lelah hidup tanpa Tuhan? Dengan hubungan penuh pembenaran? Tak cukup asamu dikaburkan? Apa kau menunggu hari pembalasan?" Hidupku berubah, ternyata sesederhana ketika Tuhan biarkan aku jatuh cinta. Hanya saja, dengan cara yang tak biasa dirasa anak perempuan sekarang lainnya. Ku tak berucap rindu. Ku tak berpikir sendu. Kupikir Tuhan sampaikan segalanya pada si malaikat penuh tawa.

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Do you think of me? Do you smile when you think of me?

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I am talking about a new guy that i haven't mentioned to anyone. He is a beauty to everyone who sees. He leads. He learns. He prays.

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Relationship goal ❤

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Kau tahu sendiri. Bulan kembali menjelang pagi.

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"Makanya jadi wanita jangan terlalu independen." "Aku tidak berusaha menjadi independen. Aku hanya tidak ingin menjadi dependent dengan manusia lain." "Maksudmu?" "Ya. Manusia mengecewakan. Tapi Tuhan, tidak akan." "Ya. Aku sepenuhnya setuju."

- bersama individu yang mengaku cinta Tuhannya

[lurizhaadza]

Where do the good friends go? Or where am I?