luvpeaceharmony-blog

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Drunk at PJs! HAHAHAHA

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I'm afraid I'm going back into my dark hole. I shouldn't be afraid. I'm happy! I have friends, a wonderful bf, and I'm at a good school getting great grades. So why am I sad? Why do I want to sleep all day. Why have my emotions gone numb. I don't want to go out. I've lost my drive to do things fun. I'm just tired and depressed. What I'm afraid of almost more than my black hole of oblivion is having to go back on meds. I've convinced myself I can get past it but now I'm begining doubting that. It seems like my bf is mad at me all the time. It seems like all he wants is sex. But I can't even give him my normal amount of hugs and cuddling. I'm distancing him from me. I don't mean to. Maybe it's a coping mechanism I have developed. I know he is worried but he doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I'm scared and I don't know what to do! I don't want to lose anyone, especially my bf. He just got me a promise ring! I'm ecstatic but I'm still afraid I'm going to lose him. What do I do?

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Success is the best revenge. Best advice my mother ever gave me <3

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Update

Well, nursing school is under way. Iron Maiden and Creed Concerts conquered. Family visits in Las Vegas and Georgia successful. In love. Moved back in with the parental figures. Nursing internship completed. Happy. Healthy. All around good for what the world has thrown at me.

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Another First

He called me his other half <3

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St. Patrick's Day 2011

Yesterday was a VERY interesting day. We're all bussling around the house getting ready to go off and do what were suppose to do. My parents to the airport to fly to Washington state, me and my sister to her art show in Ventura. We all say goodbye and go our separate ways. I stop by my boyfriend's house to pick up dishes from the earlier day's cooking. We leave and as were in the lane to turn and pull out into the intersection my sister screams and I look to my left to see a car headed straight for us. CRASH It's so instaneous. That sound, though, of crunching metal when car hits car, you never get used to it no matter how many accidents you get into. When we are hit my sister's screams seem so far away even though she is just in the seat next to me. I'm pushing on the break with all the strength I have in me. The anti-lock breaks engage and we come to a stop. I look at my sister to make sure she is okay. She looks scared but doesn't look injured. I can feel my leg hurt from where the driver side door caved in on it. It was a head on collision to my side. I don't stop to worry about myself. "My sister is my world". That's what I'll tell you if you ask me about her. She really is my everything. So I'm worried about her the whole time. I try to open my door and I shove, but it won't budge even a millimeter. I crawl out my sister's door as that's the only side that got no damage. My car door was obliterated. That car has saved my life so many times. When I called my boyfriend over, even the firemen told him how well the car was built. At the speed the other driver was going I should be dead or at least have had my leg shattered. My car should have been totaled. But it was just the driver side door. I believe that I'm not ment to die yet and everything around me knew that. The car took all the blow leaving me with a bruised leg and that's it. My sister, no injuries. The other driver, no injuries. My window was shattered. There was glass everywhere, but none on me. It's a miracle. I'm so glad everyone was fine and I was the only one hurt. We had been headed to my sister's art show out in Ventura. My boyfriend was wonderful to take off work and drive us down there. My sister got an art scholarship only 2.5 hours after our crash. It was an interesting day yesterday but fortunately everyone was fine :)

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One Month

So happy! I've got a great guy in my life :D With him, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I don't need any unnatural chemicals, prescribed or otherwise. I'm myself for the first time ever! I don't have to pretend any more! He loves me for who I am, weirdness and all. Our one month has arrived! How exciting!! And I forsee many more happy months in the future <3 I love you babe. You're my world!

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Acceptance

Oh my god!!! I'm the happiest person in the world right now! This evening when I got home I opened my computer and checked my email to find.... MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY CHANNEL ISLANDS!! Everything I could ever want is happening right now! I got into my dream college, I have found the person I love more than life itself, work is so much fun it can hardly be considered a "job", I have several adventurous outings with friends planned. 2011 is more than I could ever have planned! Life is AWESOME and I'm so glad to be a part of it <3!

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No!

Why is it that my mind wanders?! It frustrates me so much! I love and think about one all the time. But I day dream about one and night dream about another... I have the one I want. The only one I've ever wanted. Is there something wrong with me? Is it that I have concluded in not happy. But I am happy. I fall asleep smiling to the one I love and awake each morning the same. Why then does my mind wander?! I hate it. I try to push the others out of my head but in doing so it makes me wander more. In my dream last night... I forced myself awake. I couldn't stand it. That's not who I want to think about! The only one I want to think about is the one who I tell I love. That is all. He makes me so happy! I couldn't ask for anything more from anyone... It's not him. It's nothing he has done. There IS something wrong with me.. I think that every time I get close to someone I'm afraid of getting hurt so I think of others. But I don't want to... I know I'm not going to get hurt this time! What do I have to do to convince myself of that. Please don't think badly of me.. I'm trying to get better. But I'm just so afraid of myself..

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Love

Every day I fall deeper and deeper in love with those around me. My friends, my family, and my lover. Lover has such negative connotations around it. I'll call him my companion, my partner, my love. I love him with every fiber of my being. I miss him when he is out of sight; in the other room is too far away. The first time he held me he told me he wasn't a cuddler, but now we cuddle all the time. He makes me feel happy, alive, full of spirit. When my phone buzzes I hope it is him. The same goes for my best friend, his roommate. If my phone buzzes I glance down with a smile on my face knowing he has said something hilarious again. He makes me smile so big, even if he just laughs. He has helped me open up and confront my past. He accepts me for all my flaws. He has helped me to learn to accept who I am and move on, despite what I have been through. My family gives me unconditional love all the time. The kind of love I cant get from anyone but them. I am surrounded by love every day. I'm just sorry it has taken me this long to see that.

Being alone is my greatest fear, but with all of you, I need never fear being alone again <3

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Rape

I don't know how to start. All I know is I have to get it out. People read about it in books, poems, short stories and say, "well that sucks. Glad I don't have to experience that." but it becomes all too real, these stories, poems, books, when it happens to you. You screwed up my whole life, both of you! I've lost my ability to trust those closest to me, I can't properly bond with people, form relationships, friendships and especially not sexual relationships. Every time someone does a certain something during sex, I think of you and what you did. Because of you, I have attachment issues. Either I'm too attached or I'm completely unattached. It's one or the other, neither one healthy. People get mad at me for my drug usage. Yeah I started because I was curious, but it started to slowly kill me when I was using every fucking day so I would forget what happened! But you can never forget, you can only repress. I have repressed these emotions, these memories, for two years! It hurts every day! The only reason I haven't gone back to the daily grind of wake up, take drugs, go throughout the day, take more drugs, and pass out at the end of the day from drugs, is because I broke up with the guy who reminded me, every time I looked at him, that he was the guy who left me to your mercy that night. The first time I was lucky. I was coherent enough to call my friend to come get me because you drugged me so bad I couldn't walk straight, let alone drive. You laced the weed we smoked with PCP. I wasn't the first girl either. After i threw up from the drug, you asked if I wanted to go lay in your bed and that you would take care of me. Fortunately, my mind wasn't that clouded so I laid in your kitchen floor until I could see how to text my friend your address. You didn't even help me, you went on Facebook you prick! the second time, a different guy, at my friends house with my boyfriend, best friend, and you. I would be fine, right? You packed me a bowl that you said was just for me. It was a really nice gesture. I milked the bong, but couldn't take it all in because I started coughing. That's when I started to remember that feeling. My vision started going and the nausea came back. Again I threw up. My friend went to sleep and my boyfriend went home, curfew. That left you and me... Alone. You got exactly what you wanted. You took advantage of me because I was so drugged this time I couldn't stop it. I couldn't speak, yell, or cry. I laid there and took it. When you were finished I crawled to my friends room and fell asleep on her floor. You awoke both of us the next morning to fresh fruit smoothies and a sunflower bouquet each. You acted like nothing happened. But I knew what you did. I don't talk to either one of you anymore, but I'm still scared when I drive around where you live, hoping I won't see you. If I see someone who looks like you, my stomach drops ten stories until I realize it's not you. I'm frightened two years later believing I'll never be normal because of what you, both of you, put me through...

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Relationships

How am I supposed to form proper relationships with people (friends or otherwise) if I try to be completely honest and my friends can't do the same... Most of the time they think they are protecting me. I don't want to be protected! I live in this world too! I know what goes on! It just makes me feel worthless. It just makes me want to curl back up in my hole of black oblivion and medication that I know so well and just drop off the face of the planet...

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TATTOOS

My 2 current tattoos and their summarized meaning + the 6 more im going to get and their summarized meaning as well.

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Skittles

To experience a rainbow is awesome, to experience a rainbow with your eyes closed is incredible. Life is a wonderful place, I'm so glad I live in it <3