lvnaelna

[lvnaelna]

i hope a man who's not sure about me never finds me again.

i hope he stays far away from me if all he brings with him is doubt, confusion, and a heart that cannot choose. i hope he stays away if he still doesn't know what he wants, because i am no longer willing to hold love from a man who doesn't know if he wants to stay or leave. i've already spent so much time trying to be enough for someone who never made me feel sure. i've already wasted too much love on someone who couldn't decide if i was what he truly wanted. and i don't want that anymore. i don't want to fix the parts of him that he doesn't want to heal on his own. i don't want to keep waiting for someone to finally see me clearly.

so if he is still unsure, i hope he never finds his way to me. because i have no space left for almosts. i have no space left for maybe. i have no space left for someone who's still standing in the middle, still looking around to see if something better might come along. im saving my heart for something real. im saving my love for a man who is sure of what he wants, and who is sure of me. because i know that i am worth that kind of love.

[lvnaelna]

[lvnaelna]

I hope you ask. That you ask life for what you truly want. That you're brave enough to put it out there.

Because when you ask, things have a way of finding you. Almost like they were looking for you the whole time.

But you have to ask. You have to find the courage to say it out loud.

That's where the magic happens.

[lvnaelna]

if someone's love ever finds me again, i hope it's the kind of love that makes me a softer person, not an angry one.

sometimes i wonder what kind of love will come into my life next. and i hope it's not the kind that feels too heavy or confusing. i hope it doesn't turn me into someone who always feels like they have to protect themselves. i hope it's the kind of love that helps me speak softer and kinder, because sometimes my anger grows so big, i don't know what to do with it. i hope this love makes my hands ready to hold something better, instead of always closing into tight fists because i'm scared someone will hurt me again. i hope it's the kind of love that stays long enough to show me that i am not too much, that i am not too hard to love, that i am not too broken to be held. and i hope this love helps me see myself in a softer, kinder way, so i can stop believing that i am only my mistakes and my anger.

i hope this kind of love makes me a softer person, not someone who is always afraid, not an angry person who always believes love will only hurt me in the end. i hope it teaches me that i can let love in without feeling like i'm losing something. because maybe love won't take anything away from me. maybe it will give me more reasons to trust, more reasons to believe that not everything ends in pain. i hope it reminds me that even though i have been hurt before, i am still capable of receiving love. and giving it, too.

(aguinid falls trail, san fernando cebu // july 20 2025)

[lvnaelna]

Kulusuk, Southeastern Greenland

[lvnaelna]

Sound on to hear the water running through pebbles

[lvnaelna]

a warm cup of tea 🍵

[lvnaelna]

this one is dedicated to the chaotic academics. you are valid even if you have a messy bedroom and drink too much coffee. i am proud of you.

[lvnaelna]

Hey Blake,

they don't really know how hard it is for me to put myself first, because for a long time, i was the kind of person who always put others first. i made their comfort more important than my own. i put their needs before mine, their happiness before mine, their peace before mine. i spent so many years prioritizing other people that now, when i try to prioritize myself, it feels wrong. it feels like i'm doing something bad. but deep down, i know it's not bad. it's something i need. i just don't really know how to do it yet without feeling guilty. that even when im hurting, i still worry more about how others will be affected. i keep asking, "what if they think i'm selfish?"

but now, i'm really trying my best to change. i'm learning to speak up more for myself. I'm learning to say no when something doesn't feel right. i'm trying to unlearn old habits and build new ones that feel safer and more honest. i want to be someone who takes care of others and takes care of myself too. i know it's going to be hard, and i know it's going to take time. but even if it doesn't come naturally yet, even if it still feels hard sometimes, i know i'm doing better than before. and maybe that's what really matters right now.

[lvnaelna]

letter to last year's july:

hello again, july. it's me. just a little older, a little wiser, and a little more alive. i just want you to know that i made it. we made it. i know things were very heavy back then. i remember the days when you wanted to give up on everything, when you thought there was no way to feel okay again, and the nights you spent crying silently so no one would hear. it's been a long road since then, full of hard days and silent battles, full of lessons i didn't ask for and pain i didn't think i could carry. there were so many moments when it felt like too much. but somehow, through all of that, i kept going. you kept going. i'm not saying everything is perfect now. it's not. i still have bad days. i still feel the echo of all the things you left behind. but it's better now. and i'm better. i know you would be proud of how far i've come. and i'm proud of you too. so thank you for starting the fight i finished. for planting the strength i didn't know would grow. for showing up even when you had nothing left to give. thank you for surviving. you may have been hurting in ways no one else could see, but you still gave me the chance to be here today. and that means everything.

[lvnaelna]

Do we have a franz kafka diary entry for july 1st, i want to know what he thinks!!!

[lvnaelna]

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

[lvnaelna]

A. Salad taste test at Sir Barry’s place, I met his cats. They’re all so beautiful 🫶🏽

B. Boys got new cuts like me heheh bossman gets cut at tuf for free

C. Ela & Raffy on a date <3

D. Iced sweet black from cg is mwa 😗

[lvnaelna]

Santiago de Compostela, Spain (by Phil)

[lvnaelna]

daily affirmations:

i am kind

i am in control of my emotions

it does not bother me when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

everyone in the house has the right to be in the kitchen

i am kind and in control of my emotions even when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

[lvnaelna]

[lvnaelna]

I got a wolfcut again last weekend and I turned 29 yesterday. These are proof of existences after an emotionally traumatic summer and I am still here pushing to move forward.

If you see the girl I used to be, please thank her for me. We went through some heavy shit together and she never left my side. If you see her, tell her she saved me.

Tell her, when I fell, she broke my fall, and I'm standing again, whole again, healing the best way I know how. Tell her she taught me everything I know. Tell her, I will never forget her. If you see the girl I used to be, please let her know, I would not have made it without her, tell her she does not have to carry me anymore.

Tell her I owe her and I'm going to make her so proud.