ly-kos
495 posts
I needed some bloodand blood is thicker than water.---semi-selective Ambessa from Arcane / follows from @apokry-muses18+
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@valiantthearts cont. from x
// the mocking laughter as the one that vi is producing would be a death sentence to anyone else, others have been hung for less. ambessa doesn't appreciate that vi is interrupting her speech, when she's clearly disagreeing with her very notion.
noxians aren't animals and they are proud of such. they are human. they are so very human, in every fiber of their being, they act with cruelty, with family, with unity, like any human does. she looks down on vi for her animalistic heritage.
noxus functions on human instincts. the human instinct to survive. the human instinct to be seen. the instinct to be admired. to persevere. get through anything. not just run about like animals, clearly separating people into prey & predators, everyone has to practice being both and everyone has the chance to become a predator.
if you don't, you won't survive.
where zaun prides itself on its animalistic features, noxus is so very human: human expendability, human admiration, art, attention, to be seen, to survive, to be thrown away, culture, tradition, so many different parts, noxus is one large being, the few for the many, everyone contributes to it's bigger picture and individuals don't matter quite as much as the entirety does.
people are expendable.
vi prepares for a fight. ambessa doesn't. she doesn't accept the invitation. she views her as lesser and therefore does not think vi is worth the time.
" you aren't worth my time. fighting you will be a waste. "
a shake of her head. " so, no, you won't get to satisfy your hunger. any noxian could take over all of zaun within a day. "
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xi / v2. the smoke is returning / i thought you'd be smarter than that#valiantthearts#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// rules matter little inside of noxus. darkwill never really strove to establish and force any rules and where swain has attempted to do so, he has failed in many miserable ways. noxians are way too accustomed to their cruelty that when they're told suddenly, there's something wrong with the way they've always been, they don't respond very well. her own thoughts on swain are mixed, but she does think he's got his heart in the right spot.
noxus, however, doesn't have a place for things like that. so even where she would agree with him, she doesn't quite plan on siding with him. knowing how much of an enemy he's become to noxus.
" when I grew up, noxus had only one leader. " , ambessa explains. " darkwill was a horrible, cruel man. but he didn't make any rules for us to follow. if you plan to deflect, you better have the strength to back it up, but that is the case with everything. "
it is the same with anything you do in noxus. have the strength to back up what you're going to do, or don't do it at all. she smiles. " then he was killed. by deflectors. and noxus adjusted. swain established rules and put multiple leaders in place to keep each other in check. "
ignoring her own thoughts on the matter, she closes her eyes. " you work for the will of noxus. you work for the will of your family. you strive to make noxus the best it could be for you and your family. the medardas don't quite agree with noxus the way swain views it and would opportunity arise, maybe we would end up the next deflectors. being a leader in noxus is a fragile position. "
// ambessa recognizes that caitlyn is carefully eyeing her. her scars speak of stories caitlyn could not ever imagine. even as she speaks of her own story of torture, scars, nothing that would ever exist inside of piltover or zaun, could compare. noxus is something so much greater than this.
noxus is so much crueler, so much more ruthless, than anything you would go through once, or twice, or thrice inside of piltover or zaun. such things may be daily occurences where ambessa grew up. her own mother had never spared her the cruelty, as she'd intended to follow with her own children.
but oh, it was never successful. ambessa's own children always remained a disappointment, a failure to noxian culture. that is why one of them is dead, and the other has not set a foot inside of noxus in years.
a smile draws on her face when caitlyn insists she could never be noxian.
" dear. that is exactly the reason you would make a great noxian. " , she gestures, then clenches her fist symbolically. " they forge their own rules. we make our own world. survival means everything inside of noxus, no matter how you achieve this. "
she opens up her fingers again, wants to reach out for caitlyn's face, but doesn't.
" noxus could not kill you. you would make sure to bend it so you could survive. that is the woman I know you to be. "
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#valiantthearts#xii / v3. you have the fire in your eyes / the opportunity to arise#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// the reaction was expected. she just said out loud what she'd been thinking this entire time. she shrugs, gives a small chuckle of her own, watches caitlyn scramble through her defensiveness just to claim that she does not have the time for these problems. but that doesn't deny that they do exist, doesn't it?
in fact, she is only making herself more suspicious, with the way she moves, scoffs her, tries to talk herself out of it more and more.
" kiramman, it's written all over your face. " it's not something ambessa could hope to understand: her entire life, she has never fallen in love with a single person. not a single person has ever made her feel something even akin to it: not love, not a crush, not anything that she would be enamored by.
at the very least, she believes, despite that, she could still see it when it's right in front of her. caitlyn is not subtle.
" we can't do this if you're... occupied. I agree. you don't have time. so talk to me, if you wish. "
@ly-kos said: "i want you to come to me with boy problems . or girl problems , i don't assume."
Caitlyn arched an eyebrow at Ambessa’s comment, her arms crossing instinctively as her expression shifted into one of mild disbelief. She stared for a moment, as if waiting for Ambessa to admit she was joking.
❝ Are you… serious?❞ she asked, her voice tinged with skepticism. ❝ Boy problems? Or girl problems?❞ She let out a small scoff, shaking her head as if to clear away the absurdity of the suggestion.
❝ What exactly makes you think I have any kind of… problems?❞ Caitlyn continued, her tone edging on defensive as her gaze drifted away. ❝ Do I strike you as someone who has the time—or the energy—to concern myself with such trivial matters?❞
Her words were confident, dismissive even, but the slight edge in her voice betrayed her. The so-called "girl problems" were there, unspoken but undeniable. Still, the thought of confiding them to Ambessa Medarda of all people felt far too vulnerable, far too personal. Instead, she folded the feelings neatly away, and straightened her posture. ❝ I don't have time for these sorts of problems.❞
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xii / v3. you have the fire in your eyes / the opportunity to arise#gaevaer#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again#I love them ...
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// if there is one thing ambessa feels, it is pride. for every time she has failed to put noxian conviction into her children's hands: she is more and more happy that it's worked so well with isha. it provides her with another truth she's come to discover.
zaunites are born to be noxian. she finds kinship in them that she doesn't even feel with most noxians. when she looks at isha, she can only see the potential had she been born into her family tree, into any noxian family tree.
where ambessa still fails to use the roughness many other noxian parents might use, she fears that is the very reason her children turned out the way they did: absolutely unfit to survive. but having isha, caitlyn, has proven to be absolutely healing. she learns that it was never her, but them and when she blames them she feels a little bit better.
only a little bit, because she still wishes for their safety, and would still set the world ablaze, would it bring kino back, would it keep mel safe.
only a small part of her is satisfied with blaming them. the other believes she's making some grand excuse for her own failures.
a hand reaches back to isha, places a hand on her shoulder. she knows what she should feel, but what might be hard to feel. she is so proud of her for fighting: for not even just taking the option of simple execution, but giving them the chance to die like a noxian would want to. she is thinking correctly.
" it's okay. you did well. "
Isha works best close quarters when she's allowed to use her fists and teeth, when she has to fight to survive, but this isn't today's lesson. She knows how to survive, but does she know how to lead? Make the choices that are best for her nation? Her family? Even when you have to look into the eyes of the person trembling and wishing for escape? She thinks the choice is easy when Ambessa asks what they should do. You have to cut off the head of the snake before it sinks its fangs into you and envenomates you. But as she closes the space between her and the criminal (? she's not entirely sure what they've done, but they must have fought against Noxus in their attempt to help), she sees the fear in their eyes and the way their body tenses when she approaches with her beloved dagger in hand. She doesn't think that it's fair for them to be held in place like an animal caught in a trap as you slaughter it. She debates whether to follow how her mom's set everything up or to ask the soldiers to let go of the person.
As she considers this, her confidence falters as they struggle in the soldiers' grasp. They keep their expression neutral. You can't manipulate what you don't see. Grip tightening on their blade, their gaze lifts to the much taller guards. "Release them," she commands, having to modify the sign a bit to accommodate the blade in her hand, head held high and back straight as if she is the true authority here. She can tell that their eyes drift to her mom and it takes a moment, but they release the other and step back. This, she can do. She solidifies her stance and waits for the other to attack.
Her opponent is more formidable than expected, but what cornered animal isn't? Isha's at a disadvantage with the height difference, but the sheer fight in this person catches them off guard and has them pinned relatively quickly. Isha's perseverance doesn't falter though.
By the time she's on top, covered in her own blood as well as her opponent's, she doesn't hesitate to drive the dagger through skin and bone, ripping through beating muscle before yanking back out. Blood sprays out and pants the child in bright red as the person beneath them gasps and struggles before their body slackens, releases a haunting gurgle of an exhale, and the light drifts from their eyes. Breath held and eyes wide as they watch the other's life leave, they stay there for several long moments, processing the gruesome scene they were just apart of. A strange feeling settles in their chest and there's a buzz behind their eyes.
Her attention is pulled away from the body when Ambessa's hand settles on her back and she kneels next to her. Isha scrambles off of the body, panting as she wipes away the blood. She presses against Ambessa and sits nearly behind her, almost like a scared child (she may be a child, but she is not scared. Or at least she doesn't think she is...). Her eyes settle on Ambessa, a grunted noise pushing from her. How does she answer Ambessa when she can't decipher what the overwhelming emotion filling her is. "I don't know..."
#blood cw#death cw#ask to tag#violence cw#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xvi / v7. one young wolf has a larger heart than all these men combined#xvii / isha. the wind does blow / and the cradle does drop#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again#allourinsides
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// her origin, ambessa repeats in her head. she couldn't care less about any unpleasant looks thrown their way, it would only do to fuel her confidence.
" we are everywhere. " noxians would make their claim on every nation, eventually. besides, piltover and noxus are in constant trade routes. she does not believe it should be that strange she would be here to oversee business.
ambessa crosses her arms. " noxus and piltover are allies, after all.. "
The words made her tense up, shoulders squaring and chin raising. Always on the defensive side, they weren't taken kindly and her stare turned into a full glare. " My origin? " She repeats between greeted teeth, more to herself than to the other. " I'm just a passerby, like most foreigners. " She answered between a deep breath to calm herself down and a silent pause. Diana didn't want to bring more attention or make a scene, and Ambessa was already the center of attention anyway.
"I must admit, I'm surprise to find your people around here. " Apparently, most citizens weren't very fond of Noxian either by the looks they send their way.
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#x / v1. so don't call for me when you drown#lvnarii#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// ambessa would always want to be home for mel. but she fears being her home wouldn't be enough to keep her safe, keep her alive. mels words dig into her chest.
" child, but it is. it makes you weak, and it makes me weak. "
she lets out a sharp breath, tightens fists.
that used to be where she'd run to- straight into her mother's arms where she knew she'd be safe regardless of what tried to harm her. but her mother's arms hadn't been home in a long time, and she grew her own safety.
so she stands stiffly, voice becoming more formal.
"mercy isn't a weakness. it isn't anywhere but noxus."
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#x / v1. so don't call for me when you drown#unmyeoung#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE LOVED BY YOU?
it feels like home
you're the kind of person that makes people feel safe. you probably couldn't be intimidating if you tried, but that doesn't matter. what matters is your kindness and compassion, your innate way of making people feel happy. you're so good at taking care of everybody else, but don't forget to take care of yourself, too! you deserve the same love you give so freely
tagged by: @unmyeoung
tagging: steal it!
#this doesn't feel very accurate to be honest. but to those she loves it's not that wrong#vii / about. i am the feast on the table / i am the beast in the fable#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// she gives magnus the peace to catch himself. any other noxian might not have and in any battle he would be dead, but ambessa has the mercy to recognize when there is no use in continuing a fight. she would win it unfairly.
a calm breath of her own leaves her. she's biting her time, watching magnus spectacularly fail to breathe and look at her with such genuine fear that it scares her, momentarily. every instinct inside of her body is telling her to put down the fight, to kneel next to magnus, to help and figure out what is wrong with them. figure out how to help.
but when they gesture for ambessa to continue, she smiles. this is the child she's raised. that she's formed from the dirt and mud inside of piltover.
ambessa takes the invitation. she lifts her knee, plants her foot on her child's shoulder and it takes too little effort to knock them back onto the ground, as much as they're trying to lift their arms through their difficulty of breathing.
noxians don't believe in medicine. they don't believe in getting emergency help from someone who might just patch you up enough to live another day. becoming a doctor isn't something that would be admirable to want to be. in fact, in most parts of noxus, this might be nearly impossible to achieve.
if you die, you die. if your disabilities kill you, you die. if you aren't meant to live, you don't.
she breathes, watches magnus struggle. " I'm not fighting you like this. "
Magnus is distracted. He won’t admit it, but it’s taking him longer than usual to catch his breath. It’s almost concerning, but it’s a feeling they’ve trained themself to ignore, s it's easy to pretend like nothing's wrong. Sometimes, their lungs decide to throw a tantrum, but they always calm down, so there’s no real danger. After hours of this and it still not going away, it’s draining them and they begin to falter. Their reaction times are slower and their head is clearly somewhere else despite trying to focus on blocking and countering each of Ambessa's strikes and jabs.
'I am right here', they would have snapped, if they'd been given the opportunity before being thrown into the goddamn floor, causing their chest to seize. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, by any means. They can remember each time they’ve had the wind knocked from them, but with his chest already on fire and struggling to take in air, panic grips his throat and he’s silently gasping for breath. Eyes wide with genuine fear as he stares up at Ambessa, silently begging for help as he tries to fight being pulled further into his panic, grasping his chest as he tries to take in a big breath and fails spectacularly. He manages a smaller breath a few seconds later and the wheeze that comes with it is horrendous. Coughing and sputtering, he realizes he doesn’t know what to do. He takes this as a teaching moment despite how panic claws at him, still coughing and wheezing. He forces himself up into a defensive kneeling position. They're not confident they can fight like this, but they have to try. They gesture for Ambessa to come forward, not wasting any energy on speech.
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xii / v3. you have the fire in your eyes / the opportunity to arise#allourinsides#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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doctors and medicine are about impossible to find inside of noxus. they don't believe in meddling with someone's fate of survival, that you need only fight as much as you can and if you die, you will die.
if your disability kills you, you die. but if you don't go down fighting, you will be looked down upon. for your disability, for your easy death. if you get injured and it gets infected or the bleeding just won't stop without medical intervention, you die. if you walk into the wrong neighborhood, you die. if you struggle during childbirth, and it's you or the baby, it's whoever fights the strongest and survives.
infant death rate is high, especially in the common folk inside of noxus. nobles get away with safety during childbirth and after, but even those often refuse any kind of medical intervention out of pure principle.
if you are meant to die, you will die, but you will die fighting.
#thoughts related ot a reply I just wrote#ableism cw#ask to tag#infant death cw#vii / about. i am the feast on the table / i am the beast in the fable
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i love writing porn and i wont feel bad about it. understanding the eroticism of a character is character analysis if u are enlightened.
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// everything caitlyn is ambessa turned her into. that's how the noxian views their relationship, anyways. every step she takes, every confident stride - is simply because ambessa built her up. this is one thing she truly believes, that everything she watches the young kiramman do, every choice the young kiramman makes is because of what she's taught her.
ambessa does not aim to unite piltover and noxus. noxus has never united anything: what they do is conquer. turn everything into noxus. if ambessa was here for any more reasons than her own gain, piltover would've long lost it's name, culture, origin.
but because this is not for noxus, but for her own, selfish reasons, she sits in her ship, enjoys the spoils of piltovan culture and keeps her wits about her.
caitlyn would always be accepted into her private quarters. no guard would dare, want to stop her, when she steps past them, and finds her way to ambessa. even when she looks that angry. ambessa raises her head, looks at her calmly. there is a small eyebrow raise, and her fingers tap on the table.
" caitlyn. what brings you here? " , she asks, curiousity lining her features. tense shoulders, everything about the anxious kiramman is something ambessa recognizes.
a part of her realises instantly just what the younger might want, or need. however, she looks at her, holds back, and smiles.
@ly-kos - Plotted Starter
Rage buried within the heart of the Piltovan prince. She had been pacing around in her house, back and forth after a ‘sweet night’ with her girlfriend. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Maddie held the perfect standard for what her mother wanted. Respected, loyal, Piltovan, knowing the culture and standards of Piltovan etiquette.
A perfect girlfriend. A perfect wife. A perfect picture scene for a Kiramman relationship.
Yet it wasn’t what Caitlyn wanted. Physically, she looked like Vi, near the same high, red hair, short and stocky. Mentally, everything her mother would want her daughter to date. But nothing about Maddie fit what Caitlyn desired.
After a near six months of this, she finally snapped and left the house without even a goodbye. Maddie had been asleep still in bed, in their private quarters where much would happen and yet very little to help Caitlyn. The uniform fitted around her body, fully clothed and hidden from all of society. The cape flowed in the wind and immediately caused everything to part like the red river. No one dared get in the way of the Prince of Piltover; her ruling power and ability to command with just a word left her a threat. Feared by many, respected by all. Despite that, Caitlyn could not get what she needed.
Looking up toward the ships that had docked in Piltover, she felt her boots hit the ground, and the one specific she wanted docked closest. there was no hesitation, as if she owned the ships despite the warlord having ultimate control over them. They were here, though, on her acceptance, or so she believed. Her gloved hand pushed open the door, blue hair staying unhindered around her shoulders. Briefly she glanced at Rictus, who stood in the corner, unphased by her entrance before turning toward the quarters of the Warlord.
There was no knock, only a bold entrance as she pushed open the metal door and then closed it behind her. Within the confines of this space, she reached over to undo her cape and placed it on the wall next to Ambessa’s. It always intrigued her, how they had matching capes, though Caitlyn’s resembled piltovan colors and Ambessa’s noxian. And yet, too many similarities matched, bringing the two houses to one. Noxus and Piltover, side by side, allies by circumstances. “Ambessa,” Caitlyn addressed the dark woman, hesitating to voice her thoughts immediately.

Yet her body language spoke more for her. The way her shoulders were tense, her claws within her gloves digging against her palm. Icy fire burned behind her blue eyes as she turned and started to pace. Her movement resembled a wild feline, stuck in a small space as she moved from one side of the room to the other side. She finally pulled her rifle off her back as well, placing it next to her cape, and repeated the process. Her hands reached over and pulled off her gloves, throwing them to the side near her rifle, and looked down at her palms.
Paw Pads rested upon her hands, the reminder of her vastayan nature, and claws that could rip a face apart if she allowed it. Gloves concealed them, but they remained present and aware. A deep breath drew through her nose and released from her mouth, trying to ease the tension of her own anger. Working to contain it and yet, desperate to rage and release it all against someone.
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#ask to tag#valiantthearts#xii / v3. you have the fire in your eyes / the opportunity to arise#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// what ambessa wants is to reach out for mel. hold her in her arms, hug her, tell her that what she is doing is for her own safety. it's what needs to be done.
" you are ... impossible. your mercy was always going to get you killed, one day. "

"i listened. i listened, and left when you told me to. and-" the arguement sits uncomfortably in her throat. she'd grown so much in her time away, reached this position of power through her own efforts, and yet, before her mother, part of it all falls away.
"we can leave..! we could leave now and fight from noxian soil.."
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#x / v1. so don't call for me when you drown#unmyeoung#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// while silco was a problem, he also kept the undercity calm. he kept them united, working together. now, they are a mess. ambessa taps her fingers on the table.
" that is exactly what I am saying, caitlyn. what I think we should focus on is dwindling down their numbers. "

"..in a strange way, it almost feels like it was a bit easier to try and determine things while silco still was around." though she hadn't known about the corruption in relation to the enforcers till later, at the very least the undercity hadn't become as problematic as it had been now.
".. wouldn't it make things worse if everything crumbled..?"
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xi / v2. the smoke is returning ; i thought you'd be smarter than that#unmyeoung#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// unexpectedly, ambessa takes the offer. she reaches out again, one of her hands for the drink, the other for the other's head. " I have not had the pleasure to get so close to many vastaya. " , she explains, taking a sip of the drink, now in her hand.
it is not untrue. vastaya surprisingly, or less surprisingly do not inhabit a lot of noxus. the few she's met in ionia she's slain, and there's even less she's met on even civil grounds.
ambessa herself does not hold any contempt for their kind. perhaps some parts of her follow public opinion and see them as objects of curiousity, but lest is someone she has enough respect for to see her as a person.
she smiles. " you are a great woman. admirable. "
Odd as it may be; beneath initial wariness & kept distances, Lest had found the company rather enjoyable. Precisely, because in this world of selling dreams & entwinning lies for people to listen what they wanted to boost their egos, the General was as genuine in her actions as one could, despite if unexpected & abrupt. It was nice not to have to lie when appreciating a company...
While others would be met by a scolding furrowing of her brow, & eyes barely-concealing the distaste of her ears being touched, Ambessa may only be met by the puzzling glare as Lest raised her head from focusing her attention on pouring wine at her goblet.
The laugh was contagious, inevitably chuckling herself before breathing deep.
“Of course she may, & perhaps she would be the only one allowed to do so.” It was an invitation, to continue the gesture again shall she wanted to. Felines were known to find those who sough them without they wanting as unpleasant, whereas if choosing a favored human, they could get the privilege of petting them.
She didn’t gave much thought of it, offering her the drink.
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#xi / v2. the smoke is returning ; i thought you'd be smarter than that#flordivina#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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Difficult Person Test
tagged by: @shimmerbeasts
tagging: steal it and tag me. the usual
#vii / about. i am the feast on the table / i am the beast in the fable#yeah this is about right. except. she uses a lot of these traits to be charming#and to get her way and get along with people#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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don't care didn't ask plus this hole you put me in wasn't deep enough and i'm climbing out right now
#v / musings. touch me again and i'll cut off your hand#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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// ambessa is well aware that the black rose is something much bigger. something that is a danger to the very fabric of noxus. but she, forgive her, is afraid to admit that. she is absolutely terrified to admit something so vulnerable, and would much rather pretend that this is a matter between herself and them.
she narrows her eyes, does not entirely buy that he is here to offer aid.
" how exactly do you believe you will help? " , she asks, as if it's mockery, as if she doesn't know that swain has so much more to him than his disability. she does. her words intend to rile him up, to see where exactly he is going with this.
noxus is nothing without it's soldiers. the few in power should never mean anything, ambessa would argue, because what truly holds it together is it's people.
then, she does admit something vulnerable. " I need to protect my family from this foe. I have something they want. "
🔴 - Even if at the back of his mind, Swain finds the proceedings of other upper class Noxians- exhausting-he would never admit to any irritable conviction or disillusionment on the matter. He may not respect every warlord, especially after cleaning house post Darkwill, but strove to at least be diplomatic and conversational with them. After all, they were pieces of the Greater Noxus. The power was in the soldiers, not those who sat from afar and avoided battle.
His gaze does not falter. He is intimately aware of how many eyes, ears and endless thorny weeds the Black Rose coven posesses, but one cannot shy away from making alliances or co-operating. To act a few steps ahead and predict where and what they will hear. He lets the raven flutter off, keeping watch alongside her sisters.
He would argue they are an enemy to all of Noxus, but he isn't yet ready to engage with that aloud. He is, after all, still 'useful', privy to more about them than most have had the privilege of. He could even be considered a member himself. But he never did release the hope that he could strangle at least some of them out of their empire.
"You're old enough to remember my own dalliances with them. Yes. I am offering aid. Tangling briars need to be cut through the root."
#i / ic. i could doom your lineage with one look from these eyes#carmencxgni#xi / v2. the smoke is returning / i thought you'd be smarter than that#ix / q. for the first time since i drew breath / i'm undesirable again
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