lynxitid

[lynxitid]

September 7, 2022 - Written 12:06 AM

Yesterday & the start of today was/is just not my day. My luck has been absolutely shit.

~ Was supposed to have surgery but it got canceled (I've been waitin' for 7 years for answers that this surgery could've given me), now I have to wait till the 20th (even though it might get canceled again that day, & we'd have to wait till the 11th of October), my heart & GI problems are gettin' worse, my surgery nurse brought up the possibility of me havin' nutcracker syndrome & told me to ask my cardiologist 'bout it, I'm in a lot of pain despite my pain meds, just found out like 20 minutes ago or so that my brother tried to unalive himself, he moved out & lives an hour away so it's not like we can just go seem him right away, we still don't have a therapy appointment yet, they had to also move my date to apply for disability, school work is stressin' me, etc.

~ I was so upset over the surgery thing earlier & just everythin' pilin' up, that when I was makin' food earlier & dropped my fork, I wanted to cry. It makes sense but I feel so stupid for it. I hate that my brain has to constantly try to justify my emotions.

~ There's just so much today/lately. I already have chronic fatigue, but I'm so much more exhausted rn. Hopin' everythin' eases up a little, soon

~ Signin’ Off, 

Lynx

[lynxitid]

July 23, 2022 - Written, 2:50 PM

~ A Neighbor of ours passed away on June 20′th. We don’t know if that’s the actual day he died; but that was the day he was found & we got word of it. The whole situation surroundin’ his death was very somber; so we won’t go into details. Today’s log is just gonna be a very short thought.

~ These past few days have felt weird, since they took away our neighbor. We can’t stop thinkin’ bout how his appartment is still airin’ out, so the smell of death is slightly outside. They had to let his room air outside, since it’s too hot to leave the windows closed. So it’s a very sad thing.

~ It has been probably 20 minutes since we’ve been inside again, from takin’ the dog out. Walkin’ past his apartment we saw that there was a package. It’s sad to think that he ordered somethin’, yet he’ll never get to open it. Who knows what the management will decide to do with the package. 

~ We don’t consider ourself very religious or super spiritual; as we only dabble with that stuff. But we hope that wherever he ends up, he is finally well. We just said a silent goodbye. We didn’t want to go up to him & say our goodbyes. It would’ve been nice to, but with the way our emotions & expressions work; we felt it was best to stay on the sidelines silent. We still don’t know if he’ll have a service or not. Only time will tell. 

~ Signin’ off,

Lynx

[lynxitid]

June 28, 2022 - Written 5:14 PM

~ Spent the past 10 or so minutes agitated & upset.

~ Gotta love it when your narcissistic father (who doesn’t acknowledge it, despite his diagnosis for years), yells at you for some absolute bullshit.

~ Our dog started to dry heave, so we went to go grab a towel so it doesn’t get on the floor. Well, there was a pillow near him (granted, not close enough to get ANYTHIN’ on it.) My dad didn’t care though, so he wanted me to move it. 

~ Well, I have auditory processin’ issues & didn’t understand what he said fully. But I sort of understood it, so I went to go move stuff around the dog. But my dad decided “hey, let’s yell at my child!”. So he yells at me. 

~ me, someone who clearly hates bein’ yelled at (for a multitude of reasons), confronts him & tells him to calm down. We tell him that he doesn’t need to yell to get his point across; we’re very close by & yellin’ isn’t civil. 

~ But of course “your majesty”, my father, didn’t like that. He takes every little confrontation as some personal attack or vendetta against him. He started goin’ off on some bullshit tangent ‘bout how he’s the adult (I’m an adult now too), & how I have no right to get snappy with him. Lovely. 

~ Idk how I was snappin’ at him, when all I did was say (at a normal tone & sound level btw) that yellin’ doesn’t get his point across & that there are more civil ways to go ‘bout it all. Especially with us bein’ right next to him. He could’ve used his inside voice again & all would’ve been fine. 

~ But nope, if it isn’t his way or doesn’t benefit him, it’s the “wrong” way. All he does to everyone is be loud & yell. It can be minor things, or even things that aren’t inherently negative, & he’ll still find a way to yell or be angry. Just lovely.

~ God forbid he apologises for makin’ anyone upset with his yellin’. If I were to tell him that he made us upset, he just says “you choose to be upset at it”. Even when he does rarely apologize, if we didn’t accept his apology, he’d get more angry at me. 

~ Fucker can’t seem to get it through his head that 1: apologies don’t equal automatic forgiveness or that everythin’ is magically okay; 2: intent doesn’t always equal impact. 

~ He’s always just a pain to deal with. It’s like walkin’ on eggshells at times. He went from askin’ to play a game as a family (which I said no to, since they [my family] always make remarks that upset me, durin’ game time) to yellin’ at me, for somethin’ that would LITERALLY NOT be a problem. The pillow wasn’t close enough to our dog, so no vomit would’ve even gotten near it. Even if it did, it’s always just a small amount, & it’s very very easy to clean up.

~ He’s been this way my whole life, so you’d think we’d be used to it; in some ways we are, but not in all ways. It’s exhaustin’. Life’s exhaustin’. 

~ Signin’ off,

Lynx

[lynxitid]

June 25, 2020: Written - 9:27 PM

~ Feelin’ very lonely. Not in the sense that I have no one, since we have people we can turn to; lonely in the sense that even when around people, darkness just keeps surroundin’ us.

~ This past year has been hell, & things just keep gettin’ worse. Our brain feels like it just keeps givin’ up on us. Idk how to explain it, really. I guess I’m just too depressed to go into details rn. Already havin’ to force ourself to write this; we’ve been puttin’ off the logs got weeks now. Despite wantin’ to try to write stuff out more. It’s just a lot. 

~ I keep gettin’ worried & paranoid that we’ll end up unalivin’ ourself. Reason bein’ is there’s a lot to handle lately. I worry that it won’t be myself (lynx) who will do it; I worry that one of the other headspace members will.

~ I was gonna try to write more. Our mind is too much to deal with rn. Just very very exhausted. Sorry to keep it short.

~ Signin’ off,

Lynx

[lynxitid]

May 29, 2022 - Written 5:01 PM

~ So tired of life. I’m so exhausted. Preformin’ self harmin’/destructive behaviors, just to feel alive again. We just took a very hot shower, bit our cheeks, & spit the blood. We so tired of partakin’ in this shit. Not suicidal in the sense that we want to die, or in the sense that we’re actually gonna do anythin’; I just guess our thought process right now could be considered “suicidal ideations”. 

~ My family are currently leavin’ for a bit, to get our mom hair dye. Good for ‘em, I don’t personally care. We do however find it slightly funny that people really don’t know what someone is goin’ through; especially if it isn’t made obvious. Currently havin’ destructive & negative thoughts; but they’re leavin’ me home alone for a bit. Idk. We just find that comical in a sense? Which probably isn’t great. But anyways. 

~ Again, we have no intentions of harmin’ ourselves, or by actual suicide. It’s just the negative thoughts. This is fairly common for me. We tend to just think this stuff, & bottle it all up; instead of actin’ on it. Yeah, it’s not good; but it’s better than harmin’ ourself. 

~ We had the thought an hour ago ‘bout possibly some time returnin’ to a mental institute; but we realized that there would just be problems. We’d still like to watch our Youtube videos, especially since we use ‘em to sleep; but we wouldn’t be able to. We aren’t currently on sleep meds, & we can’t sleep in silence, or with white noise; so we’d be shit out of luck. Also, all our needed accommodations, & our health problems. Then it hit us. What I’m thinkin’ of isn’t us goin’ to a MI, it’s us needin’ a vacation. God, that thought really made me really realize just how stressed we are. 

~ Our mind is a jumble, we’re tired/exhausted. We can’t remember the rest of what we wanted to write. Gotta love this. 

~ Signin’ off, 

Lynx

[lynxitid]

May 29, 2022 - Written 12:36 AM

~ This post will not be usin’ plural acknowledgments, as it is just I (lynx) typin’.

~  So fuckin' tired of my family only ever seein' me as a hypochondriac. Like yeah, I can admit, I occasionally have hypochondriac tendencies; but that's only due to my schizophrenia. 90% of the time it's genuine problems/concerns.

~ They've seen me as a hypochondriac since I was a kid. Bein' 11 with chronic pain, bein' told I'm fine or that it's "just growin' pains" or anxiety. Fuck you. Guess who recently was finally able to get diagnosed with fibromyalgia? ME. It wasn't just growin' pains. I'm only 4'10 FT. I've always been a slow grower. Plus I've been done growin' since 2017, when I was like 12-13 or so. (I'm not good at math) So wtf. ON TOP OF THAT, I might have a connective tissue disorder, or some type of hypermobility disorder.

~ No matter what I talk 'bout, even the slightest problem, even extreme problems; I'm just a fuckin' hypochondriac to everyone. Like fuck off, please.  Y'know how hard it's been to already get diagnosed with what I've been diagnosed with? Both mental & physical? It's even harder to try to get a diagnostic or figure out if I have EDS, ME/CFS, Endometriosis, & POTS. If I do have EDS, which yes I'm seein' a doctor for, that could explain ALL those comorbidities. They're all VERY common with EDS. But noooo, if I even suggest the fact that I think this could be what it is, I get shut down. I bring up my symptoms, shit that I deal with DAILY, ALL DAY, for literal YEARS; & they don't fuckin' care. Like yeah, they'll take me to my appointments. But that's it. Do they care to listen 'bout my concerns/problems? No. Do they provide comfort? No. Do they give me actual beneficial constructive criticism? No. They don't do that shit.

~ HELL, at one point in time I was havin' such severe kidney pain/problems, that I would get nauseous, double over in pain, & feel like faintin'. Y'know what happened? I had to wait a MONTH, A FUCKIN' MONTH, to actually be listened to by my parents; especially by my dad, since he's so fuckin' shit at understandin' or sympathizin' with anyone over mental or physical health. (that's a whole other long ass rant) It took a month of complainin' & pain, to the point where I was hurdled in fetal position, on my dogs bed, holdin' my kidney area; to actually convince him to take me to the ER. Well guess what? Turns out it was a UTI that turned into a DOUBLE kidney infection. For a month I was dealin' with an untreated double kidney infection. A FUCKIN' MONTH. WTF.

~ I had another CT scan yesterday, this time with contrast. (I've had a swollen persistent lymph node since october 2021) What does my dad do the whole ride there? Complain bout how long my appointments take. Bro. I've had a lot of appointments lately, & all he does is complain. You hate waitin' durin' these appointments? Imagine how I feel livin' with this shit, & not gettin' any fuckin' answers. Hell, I even got my first ||pelvic exam|| this week, which is a traumatic thing for me, due to past trauma. Did he care to sympathize at all on the way to the appointment or after? Nope. I wasn't surprised in the slightest.

~ Anyways, I was checkin' my health app, just waitin' for my newest CT results (they said it'll take 1-3 days), & was goin' through my old results; just makin' sure all is well. I was readin' the results from my last CT scan in April (with no contrast, so it didn't actually check the lymph node), & thankfully my rib bones aren't slipped or hurt. I did however see a section that said my Lower spine (in multiple areas), has some Schmorl's nodes. I wasn't informed of that over the phone, so I checked what it was real quick & supposedly it can be a herniated or misplacement of the spine? Idk entirely. Google isn't always great, so I take it with a grain of salt. But anyways, as someone with chronic back pain, it's nice to know what could be partially causin' it. Well, I talked to my mom & dad 'bout it, since they also didn't know; my mom acted decent I supposed (she handles some of this stuff better than him), but my dad was just makin' me out to be a hypochondriac. Just for askin' him if he knew what it was, since he also has back problems.

~ I swear, I hate this family so much. I hate this family, I hate my shitty ass health, I hate those who have ingrained internalized ableism in me, I hate the bs medical field that doesn't listen to AFAB individuals. I hate it. I have so much internalized ableism for myself. It fuckin' sucks. I hate lookin' in the mirror everyday, & tellin' myself "I'm not disabled enough" or "what if I'm fakin' this" "what if I just want attention". It's so fuckin' exhaustin'. I'm tired of it. I can't even get a wheelchair yet since 1: I can't work & get money for one 2: I Live in a small upstairs apartment, & our shed is weird 3: the amount of internalized ableism I have 4: the shitty ass remarks I'll get from strangers, but even from family. My dad has made remarks 'bout my mobility aids before. (I have a cane & rollator-walker) He's diagnosed with NPD, & over these past few years it's gotten worse. Not shamin' other with NPD, since havin' personality/mood disorders is a pain (talkin' from personal experience), I'm just shamin' my dad; he's such an ass.

~ I'm just tired of havin' all these pent up negative emotions, all this internalized ableism, all these problems. My life has been hell since I was young, but these past few years have been especially hard. I just turned 18 & I've already faced a shit ton of challenges. I'm exhausted y'all. Both in a mental sense, & a physical sense.

~ Believe me, I could make this rant WAY longer, but at this point I'm too exhausted to get anymore out. I'm just so upset & angry right now. Also, apologies if the cursin' is viewed as excessive. It's how I tend to let my anger out. Also, me sayin' "fuck you" or "fuck off" is to /nbh . It's to people offline. Just to clarify! I hope y'all are well.

[lynxitid]

May 28, 2022 - Written 3:15 PM

~ Got home from my second CT scan, this time with contrast, ‘bout an hour ago. Went well. Didn’t really have any negative reaction to the contrast; just some slight problems with pain & heat. Nothin’ too crazy.

~ The trip to the hospital was a pain though. My dad doesn’t understand mental or physical health. He certainly doesn’t understand mine. That comes off like some edgy teen, but anyways.

~ So tired of havin’ to deal with people; in both a general sense & a personal sense. Tired of this “family”, tired of school, tired of online stuff, tired of people I interact with, tired of my health, & just tired of myself. I’m not suicidal anymore, I’m just exhausted. Which ironically enough, makes it sound like I am. I have no intentions of suicide, & I won’t any time soon. I’m just tired of everythin’ life throws my way. Been dealt a shit hand of cards, since way before I was 18. I just turned 18 this March, & life just proceeds to hit me like a truck. To be fair, again, it’s been doin’ that for many many years now; it just hits in different ways as well, now that I’m 18. So there’s that.

~ Had my first pelvic exam yesterday (May 27, 2022). Surprised I didn’t push it off more. Wanted to, especially with my trauma & all; but we were able to somehow manage it. Came home super exhausted, & ended up a little out of it & upset/exhausted, hours later. Ended up just tryin’ to sleep it off. Worked decently enough, I suppose; considerin’ woke up in a decent enough mood to go to our other appointment today. We thought that the exam would’ve made it too hard to go to our CT scan. For roughly a week or two after our first appointment (with the new gyno), we ended up havin’ a bit of an episode, dissociated a lot, & essentially shut everyone out. So we thought that it would’ve gone the same with this second gyno appointment. So I guess we’re proud of ourselves.

~ If anyone is readin’ these logs & is confused ‘bout the formattin’, let me explain. These logs will most likely be formatted with both singular & plural acknowledgments. (We, Me, I, Us, Etc.) We won’t go into much detail, as it is pretty upsettin’ & confusin’ to talk ‘bout; but very long story short, we might have some form of a dissociative disorder. Not entirely sure, as we are currently in the process of seein’ a psychiatrist. As well as talkin’ to a therapist. To clarify as to why we use both as well, again, without much detail; I (lynx) am fine with usin’ singular acknowledgments, but the headspace members like to also use plural acknowledgments, so they can be recognized as well. Again, our headspace & our problems with this all is very confusin’ & upsettin’; so chances are we won’t be goin’ into much further details. I just type what is bein’ thought in the current moments; thus why we switch off as well. Also, we tend to use a LOT of commas & semicolons. So apologies if it’s too much.

~ Been talkin’ to my current therapist for probably 2 years, maybe?? I can’t remember. Our memory was already bad, but it has since gotten extremely worse over this past year. It’s bad. It’s both long & short term. Anyways, besides our points. We’ve been in therapy since 7th grade; so probably ‘bout 5 or so years?? I’m not good with math, so pardon me. She’s (my therapist) is pretty great. She’s been the best therapist I’ve had, probably??

~ Been dealin’ with way too many problems lately (which will probably be discussed in further logs). It’s been a lot to handle. Life was already hard, but these past couple years have been absolute hell for me. I’d like just an hour of ACTUAL peace. We’re so exhausted, both physically & mentally.

~ Would like to type WAY more, & explain more; as we have a lot to say. But unfortunately, we’re too exhausted right now. Gotta love mental illness, shit health, & chronic fatigue. /s

~ Chances are that there is spellin’ & grammatical errors. We don’t care at this point. We don’t feel like rereadin’ this log; so we probably won’t make too many edits to it. If there’s any confusion, we can clear it up. I’m just exhausted right now; not entirely sure if Imma make these logs once daily, once every other day, once a week, or if I’ll even possibly post multiple some days. We’ll see. My brain is pretty foggy right now; writin’ more probably isn’t the best idea. So yeah. We’re done for now. Hopefully this doesn’t come off as too much of a nonsensical mess. 

~ Signin’ Off,

Lynx