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Imminence
I try to smile, try to be the same as I once was. Nothing will ever be the same. We will never smile again the way we use to. Almost three short years and I already know the painful outcome. I wanted to be better for you but it never panned out. Nothing I try pans out anymore. Your snores are loud echos of you being miserable. I see in your eyes every part of my failure. I want to make this work but you do not...i guess i am only left to do one thing...
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My Dearest Luca Daniel
Yesterday, at 11 pm I caught myself watching America’s Next Top Model. Seeing that show, I began to reminisce about one thing and then one thing led to another and I was in complete thought. For some odd reason, you came to mind. I was a kid ready to have my own kid, I just didn't know it yet. When you're 15, everything seems magical. The world seems so much brighter and even more freeing. Your only worry has to be homework or what shirt you want to wear, your plan consist of hanging out with your friends or just walking the mall. You don’t worry about your future or anything that could jeopardize that. I remember being that 15 year old kid. My version of that kid sat in the bathroom holding a pregnancy test wondering what you are going to tell your mother. Of course, unlike every other “teen mom”, aborting you was not an option. It didn't matter to me that your father was a worthless piece, he wasn't you. I thought seeing that negative little line would make me feel better but shockingly it didn't. I was looking forward to being a mother, however young I was. I guess you can say I knew my body so well that I knew something was up, I knew that test was wrong, you were there. I braced myself for the inevitable of telling my family and friends but until then...you were my secret. Sadly a secret I still keep from 9/10 of the people I love.
I remember being at my aunts house swimming with my brother and my cousins. It was the usual rough housing that children in the pool except this time it went a bit hard, the damage was already done. The most painful feeling I had yet to know rushed into every core of my stomach and my immediate reaction was to fall and curl into a ball. I was underwater so that was a problem. The pain went away and I thought it was no big deal. I got into my aunt vehicle headed to Branson MO wincing at every bump, curled into a ball again. I legitimately thought I was dying. My cousin noticed my pain and asked me what was going on and that’s when the flood gates opened, silently. His gaze looked like he had seen a ghost. Her I was his cousin 2 years at most older than him, loosing my baby...
I was too young to hold you and you were too weak for this world.
You were born in July but you were suppose to be born in February, my little boy. They say mothers have an instinct to know whats on the inside, far stronger than that of men. My gut feeling told me you were a baby boy but the harder part was giving you a name. I originally chose Mathias Malakai but that seemed to much of a mouthful. I wracked my brain for other wonderful ideas for a name but nothing came up. I will admit in my pain, I forced myself to get on with life, to not acknowledge you at all. Suddenly, I was pregnant again. I was 21 years old by now and married to another man. The days went by and the new baby was a confirmed little girl and I decided that I would name her baby E. She grew up to be a beautiful little girl of, currently, 3. When she was learning to talk, she kept saying “bubba, bubba”. My heart instantly froze. How could a mother “forget” her own child? How could I expect you to reside in the back of both my heart and my mind? How could I be so cruel???? “E, who is bubba?”, “My bubba, mommy.” My own baby girl knew of a secret that I was trying to keep from myself, of my Luca Daniel. I’m sorry that it took me 7 years to come to terms with our predicament.
Today, though, you wouldnt be alone. You would be as loved as your sister with so many hugs awaiting you at night. You would be a 9 year old little boy with an almost 4 year old half sister, 2 stepbrothers and 1 step sister, one brother of which would be your age. You would have a dad who would love you as if you were his, no matter that your skin tones would be completely different. Our life together would have been hard but I would have fought through fire for you no matter the cost. I would have been smarter about my life choices and I would be a college graduate. My heart hurts but I know that you are in a better place. I wasn't capable of being a mommy just then so you were taken from me to give you the best. This world is too bad for a beautiful soul like you and I couldn't give you what you needed.
I’ll Love You Always
Mommy
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Typical Tornado- The Beginning
The sound of toy guns are blaring in my ear while another is screaming “I’ve captured the brown haired dog”. I smile. Three years ago, this life didn’t exist. There was no boys, no husband, no teenage daughter and surely no guns. It was just me and my little infant daughter but , oh, how things change. Today, however, I have it all. A meowing cat who demands food, two dogs fighting and slamming their bodies again our tv stand...our tv stand.
Single mother, no plan to marry. Just me and E taking on the world. No one to tell us what to do or how. Adventures awaited us in our town and plans to reach out further. College was in the works for me and E was learning to walk and jabber on. I WAS SET!!!!! Life couldn't have hit me harder than the 10-Ton truck about to run me over; Big S. I woke up one day in August to find the most lovely message on Facebook, flattering and all: “this is random and all but you are a very pretty girl”. I was struck, something was different about this person. No rude remarks, no perversion what so ever and no notice of “hot”or “sexy”.A simple thank you and the rest seems like it was history and yet it wasn't. Conversation progressed to find out mutual friends were in existence. One day, Big S became super upset on a post and I made it known that I would like to change his mind on life. The day was set and I was to show him a good innocent time. That casual meeting became another and another until it wasn't so casual. The constant hangouts here and there, the eating out and the talking seemed to make it official in my mind but neither were looking for a relationship...it just happened. Another blink of the eye, we were standing at the steps of the courthouse being officiated into a marriage. Two short months became a lifetime decision and a lifetime commitment to four people.
That was almost 3 years ago, an animal pregnancy, loss of friends and family, 5 dogs and 1 cat ago. Within sickness, health, mistakes and arguments I still wake up to that same man, hearing the same words over and over and doing the same meaningless job. Wouldn't change it for the world.
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