m1nd-v0mit

[m1nd-v0mit]

hey so i lied again i AM full of whimsy and joy

and not to get all healthy mindset-ed or whatever, but i refuse to let me pull myself back down again. it’s such a beautiful world, you really do just have to look for it, and not only that, you have to believe it and you have to retrain yourself to keep it like that.

i was sitting in the trees by my grandma’s house and doing some self-reflection, like some genuine self-reflection where i sit down and ponder. i was zoned out and staring at a dead tree sapling in the ditch for god knows how long before something clicked and that’s when it hit me. i’ve been staring at this dead tree when there’s about 5 other living, growing, thriving ones right beside it. i don’t think i’m ever going to forget how beautiful those trees looked, even if they weren’t all that special

hey guys so ignore all the depressing stuff i’ve been posting i’m locked in now

i’m filled with whimsy now

[m1nd-v0mit]

lol what if I just ran away without a word and changed my entire identity and became an entirely different person with a different life because I cant spend one more day in this fuckass town with these fuckass people I refuse to rot here. there's like 4 people max who'd miss me and they'd be fine within a month or two. I don't fit in here and I don't like it

i just need a fresh start, a clean slate to start over and get everything right this time

[m1nd-v0mit]

shut the fuck up no you aren't you bastard

you abuse substances. that's THC you're being filled with, not whimsy

hey guys so ignore all the depressing stuff i’ve been posting i’m locked in now

i’m filled with whimsy now

[m1nd-v0mit]

i wish i could trust people

[m1nd-v0mit]

i've been smoking a lot of weed lately bc i don't want to actually sort through my feelings bc a lot of shit has been happening but the other day I was sober and was laughing n being loud at lunch. one of my friends said they liked me better when I'm high bc then im quiet and ik its a joke but that stung.

lowkey not gonna bring it up bc its literally not that big of a deal. like it feels like it to me, but I know its not and I'm just taking it too seriously

[m1nd-v0mit]

gained weight. about to eat the barrel of a pistol instead

[m1nd-v0mit]

hey so im so fucking tired of being judged by people that don't know me. actually just being judged in general. people treat me like an untouchable from like roman times or whatever. its dehumanizing and it hurts, like you don't even know me dude. these people have had this weird grudge with me since 5 grade and i wasn't even HERE between 1-4th grade then I wasn't here for 6th;

like brutha we are in HIGH SCHOOL now and you're literally going to stand up, say "Oh hell na", and walk away like i have the black plague when I sit down beside you? YOU have the emotional intelligence of a carrot, Edward. you aren't funny, you're just sad. go watch some PBS and learn a lesson or two about empathy and just being decent. Lord have mercy

and ik this is such a small thing but it affects me so much like it actually physically hurts every time I gotta hear some stupid ass joke or when I'm blatantly being left out or ignored by mostly everyone. I'm not saying I want everyone to like me, I just want people to stop being mean. like what did I even do just besides exist? I understand I can be loud and annoying sometimes but I don't feel like that's enough to treat me like I'm invisible or have some contagious disease.

I just want to fit in I actually don't care anymore ignore that gay ass post I made about how normalization, I would do anything to just be normal I'm so tired of being different

[m1nd-v0mit]

tanks tanks guns boom grrr i yearn for the tanks the recruitment videos are working i had to watch all is quiet on the western front to talk myself out of it but then i saw the tanks now i know about ww1 tanks and grenades grrr someone execute me on the spot rn

[m1nd-v0mit]

hey guys so ignore all the depressing stuff i’ve been posting i’m locked in now

i’m filled with whimsy now

[m1nd-v0mit]

“gun to ur head, hold a conversation with someone over text”

js pull the trigger bro 💔💔

[m1nd-v0mit]

why is it every time i start to rise, i fall again?

[m1nd-v0mit]

i just wanna get high and forget

[m1nd-v0mit]

i wish i could be as angry and hateful as everyone thinks I am

i just want to let it consume me entirely so that i have a solid identity rather than all of these jagged fragments i've forced together to try and resemble a personality. harsh, humor, sarcasm, loud. none of it is me. i'm gentle and soft and crying. the tears burn like acid and the shame of vulnerability claws at my insides and i remember why i faked it all in the first place

i'm a sheep in wolf's clothing, except the clothing is alive and i don't want to wear it. every time i try to take it off, it staples itself back on to my skin. i wish i was angry and mean so that it wouldn't feel like a constant battle of guilt and self-betrayal. i'm so tired of pretending i can handle everything

[m1nd-v0mit]

i smell like cigarette smoke and yearning,

i wish i could go back to applesauce and crayons

[m1nd-v0mit]

maybe this past week has been a universal crash out because i literally saw like 10 other posts today like this including mine

we all need to lock in vro

Haha just kidding I want to die again yippie

[m1nd-v0mit]

i hate how every childhood picture and memory takes place somewhere different. pieces of me are strewn out all over, lost and buried within a maze of moving boxes, playgrounds, and teary-eyed goodbyes. i have been ripped apart like a dog's favorite chew toy, my stuffing is thrown all over the house, some of it disappears, i just need a break, a moment to be cleansed and put back together properly. but the owners just keep lazily stitching me back up, filling me back up with the cotton that has been torn away from me and dirtied, and throwing me back to the beast that destroyed me without giving a second to think that their poor stitching may lead to my demise. over and over. every time i am torn, a little piece of me gets left behind and forgotten, the parts that do make it back are all matted and grey. i don't know how many more maulings i can take before they throw me away for good.

day one of pouring my heart out into my computer

[m1nd-v0mit]

bro my diet consists of salt and vinegar chips, mello yello, nicotine, and my own spite. i made a vinaigrette using only white vinegar and dried dill to dip cucumbers in, i drank it.

grandma's casserole is NOT gonna make me smile at this summer's family get-together. i will NOT crack a grin and say it's yummy. my taste buds are dead and im tired of lying about it