machinot

[machinot]

Tragic: teenager dies while taking part in viral “Duct tape yourself to your car and put it in neutral on the top of a hill and replace all the engine oil with gasoline while sexting your boss and eating poop and stuff” challenge

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If any of you are coming from my funny text posts I also make little animations I think?

[machinot]

iPhones when it’s literally pitch fucking dark:

Nah man I don’t need that flash. I can see don’t worry just gimme a couple seconds. No don’t turn on the flash let me do this. I know you’re free-handing me and shaking but can you hold still for a second. Wait. Fuck I give up

[machinot]

Girl your outfit is giving kafkaesque! Love it!

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I thought #unreality was something vibey like dreamcore like ohhhh this is so unrealityyyy but it just means lying

TIL that the “left Twix vs right Twix” ad campaign suddenly ended when a giant sinkhole opened up under the Iowa factory that made the right Twix and destroyed the entire building killing 30 people. The story was immediately buried and they stopped mentioning right Twix. Google “SpongeBob x squidward yaoi” for more information

[machinot]

So apparently I was wrong and if you make the food room temp before it enters your mouth and turns room temperature the temperature police will shoot you on sight. This is imperative

YEAH MAN THE FOOD STARTS ROOM TEMPERATURE. THEN IT HAS TO GET REEAAAALY COLD FOR LIKE A WEEK BEFORE YOU GET IT. THEN YOU GOTTA KEEP IT A LITTLE COLD. THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SCALDING HOT. THEN YOU LET IT COOL BACK TO ROOM TEMPERATURE IF NOT A LITTLE WARM. THEN YOU CAN EAT IT. IF YOU DONT DO IT THIS WAY YOU WILL DIE

[machinot]

Fun fact: in Germany the Wii had an officially released WiiWare title called “Biir” from the German brand “Paulaner” and it was for ordering alcohol. By the way I made this up fuck you

[machinot]

What if there’s a love kinda story where a guy meets a girl but she’s like a fucked up monster creature who mimicks humans and her face splits in half to reveal a giant mouth with sharp teeth and shit and she was gonna kill and eat him but she actually really likes him and eventually reveals her secret and he’s chill with it and they love each other

[machinot]

YEAH MAN THE FOOD STARTS ROOM TEMPERATURE. THEN IT HAS TO GET REEAAAALY COLD FOR LIKE A WEEK BEFORE YOU GET IT. THEN YOU GOTTA KEEP IT A LITTLE COLD. THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SCALDING HOT. THEN YOU LET IT COOL BACK TO ROOM TEMPERATURE IF NOT A LITTLE WARM. THEN YOU CAN EAT IT. IF YOU DONT DO IT THIS WAY YOU WILL DIE

[machinot]

Actual conversation I just had

Barista: hey what can I get for you

Me: yeah I’ll get a green drink

Barista: what the fuck how did you make the words that come out of your mouth green. What is wrong with you I’m calling the police

[machinot]

TIL that the “left Twix vs right Twix” ad campaign suddenly ended when a giant sinkhole opened up under the Iowa factory that made the right Twix and destroyed the entire building killing 30 people. The story was immediately buried and they stopped mentioning right Twix. Google “SpongeBob x squidward yaoi” for more information

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[machinot]

Nobody calls each other “terminally online” anymore. I think that’s because everyone is terminally online now. Jobless too. And ugly as fuck. Stains all over our shirts. Stupid as well

[machinot]

Hey, what happened to getting a NORMAL coffee? Without any of this Frappuccino mocha latte bullcrap? Huh? Yeah just a black coffee? Ever heard of it?

makes it to the front of the line

Yeah do you guys do chocolate milk