macrabreakyou

[macrabreakyou]

sr+jm

Life has been a riot. Not only did I start out 2020 with what I imagine was my forever person, I had zero idea of what was to come. I remember my only worry of 2020 was if my alcoholic breath would cause my sober boyfriend to become drunk. I remember being so stressed over the amount of alcohol that I would consume and how it would affect my probability for a midnight kiss on new years that I didn't even realize how little problem that would become. If only I would have known that a month later my, now ex, boyfriend would begin drinking again and our relationship would begin to crumble. Why am I writing a blog post about this man when it has been five months broken up? Because I am learning that healing is hard. Healing during COVID-19 is harder. I am hoping that by taking it way back to the start of our problems that I will understand myself and how I feel. Also, I'm hoping that this gets me up to speed to start an actual journal to vent about my daily problems and not just yearly ones.

When my ex began drinking again, I noticed that he was no longer the goal setting, eager to get out there guy that I had fallen in love with. He turned complacent. He was okay with never seeing the world. He became okay with never wanting to move on from his job. I became naggy. I became someone who wanted to push him to be better when all I really was pushing him was off the ledge of our relationship. I never realized that when I want what I believe is best for someone, I don't stop to think if that is what that person wants. It's like I automatically assume that I know what's best for someone when I have zero idea what is even best for me.

I'm a go getter. I want to make plans and see the world. I want the big house and kids, along with marriage. I want to be the mom at hockey, football, basketball, soccer who wears an embarrassing shirt. And I kept thinking that's what he wanted too. Plot twist, I was wrong. I remember sitting in his family's living room after a holiday (honestly was it even a holiday?? I only remember it was spring and well we were at his parents house) and he told me he didn't want kids. He actually claimed that he never had wanted kids and I made it up in my head that he did. If I made this up, what else would I have made up in my mind to think our relationship was the one? I actually think about this more often than I would like to admit..

Moving along, I went to Maine to visit a friend. The whole time there they told me to just break it off. I realized I was venting and complaining about him changing so durastically and I even convinced myself that it was probably time to end the relationship. As we all know, being 500 miles away really can help you want to drop everything and move on, but on my flight home, I just wanted to be with him. I quickly realized I'm a fucking psycho who loved someone more than herself. Little did we know, COVID would hit and we would become closer than ever.. aka living together and only hanging out with eachother for the next couple of months.

WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME. I was depressed. He was, probably, also depressed. I actually blacked a lot of this time out. I heard the other day that the brain is chemically designed to forget pain, and I'm quite certain that this is exactly what happened. I recall wanting to finally learn the ukele and well, he hated it lmao. He found it annoying and preferred that I practiced when he was at work (since I worked from home). I also did a lot of puzzles, and he helped.... kindof, but one day I recall finishing the puzzle minus the last five pieces and I was so angry when he tried to grab the last piece before i did.. I almost killed him. It was shortly after that, that he came home packed up all of his things and left me.

Devestated. He was the one I loved so deeply I thought things would work themselves out. But here we are.. not together.