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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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There was a baby I know born in April 2019. He is a VERY sociable and curious baby. This baby will observe his surrounding in curiosity or very friendly and sociable. Not afraid to smile or babble with any other person or baby around. I think he inherit from his father. Then covid-19 came.

You see that baby changed. I mean he was used to going to weekly outings, like church, a tumbling baby place, the park or more. In an instant, he was brought to isolation with his parents. I got to visit them during covid. It was OBVIOUS that baby was affected by the change. Just like this picture: (shown above)

When I visited him that summer, that was the way the face of little boy was many days. Which was NOT his usual resting face he would have. He was a very happy baby who masterfully knew how to get his own way. But that summer, it was like all his charm was almost all gone. Some days it was like he was lost in thought about his little baby world and sad about it. I would try to play with him and he wouldn't be as playful as before. It's almost like he was afraid to play with me. I assume he feared that I'd disappear like the world he was born into and was so used to.

Remember this BABY was a little more than 1 by the time covid was in full swing, summer 2020. He wasn't 2 yet but could feel the feelings and experiences he's not fully aware of, know or understand. Yet still it was so VISIBLE. That is why when I first saw the picture above I broke into tears and instantly recognized what I experienced in the past. What I experienced at an age I do not remember ANYTHING. Still at the age of 2 I could feel the feelings I felt based on the changes that was happening around me.

What changes you ask?

I moved from being the baby of the family to having a little brother 5 months prior to that picture. However knowing me. A child who wanted a lot more siblings and asked for more for YEARS. That was until they explain they couldn't have anymore because they did a procedure to prevent more. So, it was definitely NOT jealousy.

After God told me this:

I CANNOT forget these 2 things. The first was what my cousin who worked with my father told me in 2019. The other was something that came to my thoughts when I first saw my brothers pictures of his 1st birthday.

THE 1st THING:

When I went to visit and hope to see my mother's grandmother. I didn't get to see my great grandmother while waiting on my father's brother to pick me up to go to the airport. That's because I was lost in conversation with my mother's cousin that I grew up with. Yes, the same one who worked with my father at his company. We spoke on so many things.

One thing I CANNOT forget was, the fact that she told me when my brother was born. My father put on ALL the computers' (remember he is a computer engineer) screensaver/wallpaper, "IT"S A BOY". We spoke on so many other things but never did she say that happened for me as well.

In fact, that statement brought up another memory and something told to me prior to that. I remember my aunt told me point blank, "maybe that's why you were born. Because you're the ONLY one who can take on your father..." My thought was, "SERIOUSLY, my ONLY existence was to keep my father's f^vkery in check, NOTHING MORE. 🙄. I REFUSE to accept that." Then I chose to detach and leave them with their f^vkery.

Plus now it becomes more proof of God's statement to me. Because CLEARLy for my aunt to make that statement meant I wasn't the planned/wanted child. I was the tolerated one who eventually benefited much more than their perfect image of a family.

THE 2nd THING:

I remember being a child and I always saw my sister's photo album and mine. However I rarely saw my brother's album. Then finally I found it or saw it. It started with a few baby or hospital pictures like my sis and I. Then his 1st birthday party. What was strange, well to me. Or maybe it was the thought that came to me: "Why is my father holding my brother in ALL the pictures. Even when he was supposed to be blowing out the candles." It was weird because ALL the birthday parties I knew of, the birthday boy/girl sat on a chair in the middle where the cake is.

I know it's weird to think but then I recently saw something. I don't remember which family that had a new baby boy. Is almost like the father was so proud and barely want to put the baby down at ALL.

Here's the thing, it could be a stretch. I could be overthinking it on that. Because I had so many birthday parties from the age of 3 to about 13. Whether it was parties at home, winter's park (like below), at the beach, or sleepover parties. It was always a splash like seen below:

How could I be the unwanted child when I did not remember having many birthday parities or party pictures for my brother. I didn't even see the same amount for my sister. How dare I say, I am forgotten, sort of neglected or the unwanted child, when there were always birthday parties and more?

WELLLLLLLL, knowing my parents, this was their MASTERFUL manipulation and gaslighting at it's FINEST.

How you ask?

I think the days of the picture where a 2 year old looked despondent and not happily laughing like RZA. Triggered QUESTIONS, REMARKS and more from others. You see I think I was neglected subtly and people noticed. Whether the treatment or the facial expression I gave at rest. Looking back at these picture, I had to think that other babies could have CRIED, fussed or created tantrums. However I didn't. I knew I didn't. That's because even when I was older, I knew I protested about unfair things but never verbalized it. My protests were mostly in my head or barely heard. That was until I was in my late teens. That came as just not taking their shit and doing what I wanted (still within the church's restrictions). Then you have now where I see it all and saying the sh!t out LOUDLY.

So, if I wasn't fussing, crying, cute and well behaved baby. I am SURE many people who saw me and saw the treatment or my face response would question them. Asking or making remarks like, "what a cute daughter. How you leave her there so?" Or remarks like this, (I remember this one from someone at church) "...I love her, can I adopt her...". My mother said yes to that one. But I am SURE, there were more. Things that would work on their conscience. That led them to do things like big parties with all the church people or more. Birthday cake with barbie and mu face on it.

Do you think those parties were TRULY for me? I am telling you, if it was truly for me or because they liked me the best or whatever. Then, I would NEVER have to fight for help from them. Manipulate them to get anything or for them to buy anything for me. Use my brother to try to get anything or test things.

I remember trying hot red herring and crackers at an event as a child and loved it and wanted to try it again. Some time later, My father stopped at a gas station with my brother and I. We went into the gas station store to pay or something. Then I saw the red herring and crackers. Yes, the cheap fish and crackers. So I asked my father. I got the most stankest no like I was so spoilt and too materialistic. Then I asked my brother to ask. Guess what? He did NOT get the same answer. Told him sure, I think. I don't remember eating it but I sure remember the feeling I had from seeing the different response given to us. Then not wanting the red herring anymore. This was not the first incident be the 1st I remember of MANY. Even a few years ago; 2018. I remember it CLEAR as day. I was in MWC and prepping and planning for it. I was having difficulty holding a job and just had a summer camp for 1 month. SO money wasn't a lot. Then I saw a travel steamer which I thought would be great for MWC, for about $20 on Amazon. So I went into our WhatsApp family group chat and begged to get it. Even if it's for my birthday that would have been the next year afterward. My mother quickly responded with a "sure she'll try" kind of response. Guess who was surprised. ME. I was so surprised I didn't have to make a spreadsheet, argue and prove why I needed or wanted it. I think I replied thanking her excitedly. To then see my mother respond back saying she thought it was my sister and that she don't think she can. I just took it as ANOTHER PROOF but now in black and white and no one can tell me I was overthinking shit. THERE ARE MANY MORE STORIES; In fact that was my life. even for just 5 f^vking CAD.

Those parties are JUST like now, where they fly to Jamaica, or with tears in their eyes talking to the doctors at MPH, the psychotherapist, the lawyer I got or whoever else. It's their GREAT performance to QUIET the masses or to doubt what I KNOW to be true.

Therefore, my sibling could use the loud bold and public thing my parents did for me or that I seem to get away with things. Or that I get what I wanted when I ask, as me being spoilt. (we've had this conversation many times and they both want to say I'm the spoilt one. I have my opinions but it's CLEARLY NOT me). What they do not see is they do NOT feel the need to prove their love for them to others because it's obvious and SURE. They did NOT ignore them and shove them aside. And my siblings NEVER had to manipulate them to get ANYTHING from them.

They, my siblings, were always thought of and remembered therefore no guilt on their conscience within them to spring up a need to prove to others that it's not so.

It may not be obvious to others, but LOOK at this picture 9-10 months later. This was 9-10 months, the baby is the child of the aunt from the wedding pictures where I looked despondent.

Look at how I smiled without being aware of the camera

Even if I was prompted I was smiling. I am SURE 9-10 months earlier at a WEDDING, they tried to prompt me to smile.

Look how brightly I smiled

Look how I seem my usual self here

So tell me, WHY would I be happy about living around my parents when I was gaslighted by them from I was a f^vking BABY.

Why would I NOT have some psychological issues FROM them from ALL of that.

I remember CLEARLY, in 2018, living in a church friend's living room and on a mattress. Where, I had to clear out every morning so that she could have her living room when she needed it. It wasn't fun. In fact some nights I was sad about the overall life. However, I remember CLEARLY to this day. That I didn't like some of the way I was living or things I experienced. But my OVERALL reaction; My OVERALL feeling wasn't dread, sadness or a HEAVY weight. I felt lighter, happier and hopeful.

I remember being SO paralyzed by despair, when I had to leave and return back to their home. That's because I couldn't find a job and they were getting tire of me and I didn't have much progress. Plus they did NOT have to put up with me, because I had a room I could return back to.

I could keep going and tell how I had the SAME feeling living in my car in 2021. It's funny because back then especially 2018 up to 2021, my plan was to move out. But still have a relationship with them. You know visit them, go by them and chill, go over for lunch or something. BUT ALWAYS have my own place to get back to or be when I've reached my limit from them.

NOW, that is NOT MY PLAN. I plan to stay FAR AWAY from those F^VKERS.

I've learned and understood the reason for my past depression on my own.

It always stemmed from my parents or familial injustices I faced.

In fact God showed me the very root problem. Guess who found proof? Me. I mean I found pictures of me as a toddler not depicting the usual jovial and curious Danielle I know I am:

I mean this is my aunt's wedding pictures where ALL were smiling in all the pictures with me except these 2. Still I am not giving the smile I'd normally give:

Depicts a sad shy despondent toddler:

That is NOT me EVER!!!

This is me:

Even when caught unaware:

Those toddler pictures were taken when I was at almost or already 2 years old and my brother was 5 months old. Those toddler pictures confirm what God told me in 2021 when I was living in my car about my past that I ignored. What I wrote about on Twitter last year. What I already knew to be true:

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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God's opinion of me

You see, God have been telling me what he thinks of me from 2021 when I was living in my care. He used descriptions adjectives and descriptions I would NEVER use on myself.

WHY?

I'm HUMAN who have done MANY wrong things that I've regretted or that I would deemed wrong. In fact, I do some despicable things now that I would NOT deem as good. However, I only do this to people I do NOT like and choose to continue to hurt me for a prolonged amount of time.

It's here nor there with my point on the topic, because God is insistent of his view. BUT TO ME, I do NOT see myself as perfect nor flawless.

When God have been saying this not in the same as Jesus. I was not called perfect without sin like Jesus. Jesus was perfect inside and out. I was called favoured but greater than such like Noah. Because my heart is pure and without sin. Or that my heart does not crave nor hold unto any sin. Therefore, I was called by God as favoured completely perfect, flawless and without fault on the inside.

Bruh, I can't agree with God on this. In fact he barely try to specify or classify. I have to be the one putting specifics to make sure to CLEARLY differentiate myself from Jesus. Which God agrees, but barely uses when communicating it to me. Plus when he sing these praises unto me. It's not done when I am super obedient or suffering. He calls me these things when I literally curse at him or fight to disobey him. Literally was called an angel when the lady anointed me as I described here:

It's really STRANGE. BUT THAT'S. WHAT GOD SAID OR CALLED ME.

Yes, God called me:

PERFECT

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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I think I should continue writing on this post as promised:

That's if I complete it before the end of today after I post something else I planned to post first. Something I've been ignoring every time God brought it up since 2021. Something I also disagree on. That's

God's opinion of me.

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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I could be harsh with this judgement:

Because far too many people want to silence me. Like the Musky Narcissist who got time on his hand now that he hired someone to fix his mess. Or the Crusty & Dusty King who is crying and demanding respect that he will NEVER receive from the masses and ultimately loose. Those who may pay them or pay legislators to make laws so that it's hard for Tumblr to continue as the way they were without infringement. If they even wanted to support me, it would cost them, maybe their whole company.

I understand.

However, as much as I am a giver and wanted to support Tumblr to THE VERY END. Even when I become wealthy, and have my own website, I would have still used tumblr. BUT ALAS, it seem we have come to an end.

I WILL NOT, stand beside people who CANNOT stand beside me.

I walk away from my own family even when I love them for this very reason. I've left friends that I've known for decades and more. Why should I do the opposite with a company I've only spent 7+ months with. Yes, it was 7 good months. But when people start switching up on you, especially without warning, it's for a reason and you should take it seriously. Plus 7 is a good number. Maybe this was meant to be as 7 means completion. From November 10 to May 28 (I want to say a month ago, April 28 when I first was being hindered). Alas, I digress.

I seem was just to be here for a short time then leave; I see.

Well a NEW site will be my new adventure. TODAY WILL BE MY LAST DAY HERE.

(It's sad because Tumblr could have use it as an opportunity to gain new users by asking all blogs to declare upfront whether the general content is for children or not. Therefore making the blog account of the content not made for children visible. But the content only visible to those who have an account and is age appropriate/want it. Similar to what Youtube does. Therefore, not needing to hide individual content, and allowing users to freely see what they obviously want to see unhindered. Then set the "for you" contents accordingly. From the onset of this journey, I've never said my content was for children. I do NOT expect children on Tumblr either. Teens yes. Yes they are children by law but are mature enough to make some decisions on their own, learn or grow. Plus the more you hinder them, the more they find loopholes if they crave the content. I was once a teen not too long ago. I know. IT TOO BAD THOUGH!)

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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Oooooooooo!!!

That's why my phone can't keep any charge yesterday and why they hacking it far more than usual. (I know when my parents, the military or whoever else hack my phone regularly while I'm using it. Whether to hinder me or monitor me. I just choose to ignore/work around it.)

I was wondering if it was that they over heard me through hacking, tapping or whatever else, talk my thoughts out loud that I plan to start aggressively going after the Government to make NECESSARY changes. No more subtle change sh*t like I was doing. I thought that was the trigger.

I knew the past week or so they were just monitoring me. But yesterday felt aggressive and I was wondering, why?

Is it that they think I was going to talk about the little trap I sometimes leave and definitely left up yesterday and came back to activated? What they thought I was going to post about it? And verbally come after them.

NAHHH.

I wasn't going to do that. I know MANY of them and more are doubting me because they're still breathing after I said they'd die. If it was up to me their last breath would have been their first attempt. Alas, I'm not the one in charge; God is. That means God is the determinator of that. According to God they and their family, WILL die prematurely as consequence for their actions against me.

It's just a matter of WHEN.

I'm not worried about it because of what I've learned from experience and the bible, Old Testament, about God. God like to use the enemy of his chosen to equip, elevate, fund and more them. Therefore redirect their attacks for their benefit. That's also why after ALL the attempts I still won't die btch.

I'm UNTOUCHABLE.

It will be the fuel for justice when you coming begging God for forgiveness or for your life. The attempts are God's bargaining chip and proof of his JUSTness when he KILLS them. That's after he demand they FREELY give ALL they have to me in exchange for life for their family members, a chance to be able to die being considered good in the history books or simply mercy. You'd have to give up ALL of it, things you said abd SWEAR you would NEVER give to anyone, to ME.

So keep coming at me BTCH. I ain't afraid.

I know you've poisoned the mangoes in the fridge (I was wondering why my bowels moving more aggressive than usual and so early when it was just my yesterday evening snack) because I publicly shared that's what I only eat.

BTCH I AIN'T AFRAID.

My little trap that I set at the front door that they activated:

I set it some of the times when I leave in the day. But I've NOT been consistent and keep forgetting sometimes. YESTERDAY I DID NOT. And I came back with it already on the floor. Which happens when I set it and retry to open the door. This time when I didn't activate it. Someone else did.

Plus I it's the only other door they can come in and out of with ease without issues. The other doors are hard to close or impossible to use without leave evidence of entry when entering or leaving through it.

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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Oooooooooo!!!

I was wondering if it was that they over heard me through hacking, tapping or whatever else, talk my thoughts out loud that I plan to start aggressively going after the Government to make NECESSARY changes. No more subtle change shit like I was doing. I thought that was the trigger.

I knew the past week or so they were just monitoring me. But yesterday felt aggressive and I was wondering, why?

NAHHH.

It's just a matter of WHEN.

I'm UNTOUCHABLE.

So keep coming at me B*TCH. I ain't afraid.

B*TCH I AIN'T AFRAID.

My little trap that I set at the front door that they activated:

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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Ok Tumblr, we can no longer be friends if you want.

I DO NOT CARE!!!

I can take my shit and GO!!!

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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Oooooooooo!!!

I was wondering if it was that they over heard me through hacking, tapping or whatever else, talk my thoughts out loud that I plan to start aggressively going after the Government to make NECESSARY changes. No more subtle change shit like I was doing. I thought that was the trigger.

I knew the past week or so they were just monitoring me. But yesterday felt aggressive and I was wondering, why?

NAHHH.

It's just a matter of WHEN.

I'm UNTOUCHABLE.

So keep coming at me BITCH. I ain't afraid.

BITCH I AIN'T AFRAID.

My little trap that I set at the front door that they activated:

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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A shout out

As I was scrolling back I saw this picture and felt like posting some gems of my sister, Michela. No it's not her birthday. Her birthday is next month.

I just felt like posting a shout out.

Plus, I feel she hold back a lot on herself or her own beauty. Maybe from the voices in her head she created, others told her or by the masses and the beauty standard of world/industry/pop culture. I remember taking pictures with her like these. I would be the photographer and thought they were amazing. However, I would hear her grumble and complain about how she smiled or some other thing in photos I thought were beautiful or great.

I understand we all can make unflattering photos and to master taking a good photo requires practice. Learning to be in front the lens and test yourself over and over again until you develop a groove. That's not the point. I think she takes beautiful pictures and she should share more of her smile or even things she dislikes. As you can see on her Instagram:

She doesn't take or post much of herself. She never know how many others love her smile, quirks and more about her. Just in case I don't say this much:

Michela YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

(These are pictures of me testing some of my clip ons on her to see how they looked on someone else. Also she her posing with our brother. -Jan 2020)

(Our minishoot, the siblings had summer of 2020 at a park in the middle of covid. The last I know all are very much SINGLE and ready to mingle😉)

(This was summer 2020 in Jamaica)

(some events; Youth's week of prayer & another event with our mother)

(on her birthday in 2016; it was an all you can eat we—sis, our mother and I—went to)

(photos in my car with our cuzzo. -2019)

(-2016)

(photos in my car. You can see my treats for my Uber passengers lol -2019)

(photos for her hoody line and at a farewell event for our mutual friend. -2019)

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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I post one old picture and now I want to post a ton more old gems that I've never shared before.

I have SO MANY pictures. Even some from 2013, thanks to Google Photos free photo storage over the years.

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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A DUPPY Story.

I've heard so many different people tell duppy (ghost) stories since I was a child. I've ALWAYS wanted to see one. Well it seem today was the day for me.

Before we go into the story, I will share the reality of what a duppy/ghost really is. First of all, they are REAL. However they are NOT what most people think they are. People refer to duppy/ghost as the soul of the person who died. Whether it's a soul that won't go to heaven so stuck on earth. Or in transition to heaven. Or in transition to the afterlife. Whatever theory other than being the evil spirit/demon that possessed the living being before they died, is WRONG. After hearing all the duppy stories, reasoning and more. There is nothing else than that. Because if it was the soul of the dead who isn't rested or whatever else. Why haven't we seen the duppy of Adam or Eve, Cain, Noah, Delilah, Jezebel? What about Hitler's ghost? Or the Ghost of Caesar? Almost ALL the duppy stories I've heard (except a few) are of people who were mean, evil or wicked. The exception weren't of people who were kind, nice or philanthropist or such. Just of regular people. What the people see as Ghost/duppy are the evil spirit/demon still take the form of the being that hosted it before it find another being to possess. Not all demons/evil spirit cause the host to do a lot of wicked thing. The evil could be subtle or in a different form. Therefore all DUPPY/Ghost is a DEMON.

Before today, I have NEVER seen a duppy, the way people normally describe them; a dead person knew/saw before when they were alive then coming back and being around the living after being DEAD. Seeing these duppies while the person is awake and eyes wide open. I never had that before today. I have had demons attack me. Even at the nursing home. Like one time, I was falling asleep and I felt, then saw 2 people. A nurse/someone dressed in all white like a nurse and a man in black shirt with a white coca-cola bottle in the middle, holding me down. I did not see the faces nor recognize the beings. I fought out the grip, then I woke up. The nurse I mentioned here came and helped me:

source:

Other than that or other stories, I NEVER saw a duppy of a person I knew before. Nor have I seen one in the daylight and while awake.

TODAY I DID.

It's interesting because I was coming from the supermarket after eating and doing some Spanish practice. I burst the corner and right beside me stood the duppy, or demon, in a white shit and I think a black hat. I wasn't even frightened, but I was taken aback. I almost forgot something I was supposed to buy somewhere else. Then when I went into a different supermarket the demon stood in the same place. While I was cashing out and still the demon kept standing there and looking towards the supermarket I was in from across the street. Yes, at the same spot I first saw it. I had planned from the start to go to that supermarket for what I wanted that it stared at from across the street in the middle of the crowded sidewalk.

I ain't afraid of no fucking demon. Especially if it came for me. Especially THAT DEMON. The host of that demon was the worst shit, to me. When he was alive he caused the most emotional pain I've ever felt in my short life. I am GLAD he is DEAD. The fuck I am going to continue to make that demon come after me after he's DEAD.

I've learned from other demonic attacks that tried to strike fear into me, when I first left the nursing home. I used my anointed olive oil and sprinkle it all over the house. They never try me again afterward. Plus I walk with that olive oil with me everywhere I go. So I am READY. PLUS, I am also PREPARED to slit throats, stab a motherfucker or such. So if that demon want to take it from the spiritual (which he will loose in) and take it to the physical, I am ALWAYS READY.

I AIN'T AFRAID, I'M READY & AIN'T PLAYING

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

I'M DONE WITH THIS DEPRESSION AND THE CAUSE BEHIND IT!!!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!

I can't with this inability to function due to this funk. Which is on top of the fact that I do NOT have the nutrients and food energy each day. Which all ADDS to make me BARELY able to function each day. I have had enough of being unable to be okay unless I'm totally lost in a K drama or distracted. Or completely paralyzed by the cause of this fucking depression. So, I AM DONE.

I think it's time I start talk about the funk:

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I know I've been depressed before. I've had it for many reasons. The last significant one was due to just being over life and this world. After trying and trying and can't progress plus how fucked up the world was. I was just over everything. Before that it was struggling and being around people daily who could help but chose to watch me and judge instead of help.

Before I talk about what I just experience, and REFUSE to make it my life, I'll talk about another mental health issue I struggle with. That's anxiety/panic attacks. This one does not have various reasons. It has one source. Emotional pain from someone I love or loved romantically. I had it significantly during the end and after the long distance stint. Then Raheem. I don't know what is the deep rooted trigger but it causes literal pain and discomfort. I always feel like I'd pass out or die every time. Especially when it is VERY aggressive.

Now the funk I choose NOT to stay in, started Saturday Night gone. You see, I went to church Saturday. The church I grew up in, Red Ground SDA Church because I was invited and God said to go. The church service overall in of itself was unremarkable, but God had his plan. As shared:

However the triggering moment came when a minister I feel is being led by God did a impromptu thing according to the topic of the day for vesper. The topic was "Bring Your Crawsies (crosses) to the Cross". As I said I was NOT blessed from the day's service except for the music and that impromptu vesper program. The Vesper asked us to have an introspective on ourselves. Asking the question what is the issue we are not bringing to God? Then encouraging us to write it down and bring it to God.

So I really thought about it. I know I bring my problems to God. Because dah I am going through all or most of it because of him. Then I remembered what I wrote here on Maliek:

You see Maliek would make a great partner (I will stop calling prospectives as replacement, because replacement refers to an original plan/person/choice. That not the case anymore) even with the Queen prospective. However, one big significant issue. This I am sure deterred some last year and only Nicholas wasn't hindered by it. That is the evidence of my obedience and how God started everything.

Things like:

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Things I will not remove.

The reality of it can be a hinder. By then I already felt the pressure from God to date or just be open to it. I also made the decision before then to:

start dating...ish.

(it's ish because, being a Queen comes with responsibility, power, influence and more that I have to do. I will NOT waste my time with men who are CLEARLY not for me, this life nor this monarch in the name of dating.)

So I wrote on my paper that I did not want the fact of what I have done, declared, acknowledge or experience when it came to the bitch Raheem would hinder good and proper prospectives. It was, is and will be a significant thing. Especially for ANY self-respecting man who takes everything I say seriously. The only type I would be interested in. Yes, I do NOT want it to be an issue. However if I want a man who take EVERYTHING I say, do or more seriously. He would have to accept that as well. That is because I will NOT hide it, lie about it, remove evidences of it or pretend about it.

Why? It is not just of what I will do or how far I'd go for someone I loved. But it's the acknowledgement of all the secret battles, scars, midnight awaken declarations, spiritual warfares, sleepless nights, whole body disturbances, and so much more; things I experienced.

SO MANY THINGS THAT WERE VERY MUCH REAL AND HAPPENED TO ME in the past 2 years, at least that I HAD NO CHOICE ON, COULD NOT IGNORE OR AFFECTED MY LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS. Many things that add to the proof and evidences God brought to me OVER AND OVER AGAIN that he was with me or guided me. Even to do such STUPIDITY. Which resulted in these results.

Then I reached home and was watching TV and was left with my thoughts and situation. I was also HUNGRY. The only thing I could eat, based on what God allowed (he discouraged most/almost all the food currently in the house due to the stealth break ins he warned me about) and what I had. I only had MANGOES. Which I was getting TIRED of. Then the whole reflection on my life started.

I started to think, "damn, I am sacrificing A LOT for this. Sigh."

Something I did not liked but but accepted. I was tired of fighting God on the journey, responsibility, role or this calling, anymore. I ACCEPT IT ALL. Including the struggle. I tried not to let my moment of being overwhelmed, frustrated or simply giving up because I did NOT ask for this to take over. That literally became my thought.

Then God: If you accept that sacrifice, why do you not accept Raheem as a sacrifice you would have to take for a greater good. Me:

Then I really thought about it.

If God made sure I NEVER walk away from this journey no matter how much I tried. Specially chose me. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, DO OR MORE, won't give up on me. Won't kill me. Called me special. Actually called me Perfect (I do NOT see it). Then showed me how VERY IMPORTANT what God has for me is. Showed me how many prayers would be answered. How many ancestors' prayers would be answered. So many injustices would be corrected. How many would FINALLY and TRULY see HIM through me, my monarch and kingdoms. Not the lie and fuckery God had to work around from the Christians who spew whatever fuckery in his name for centuries for their own selfish gains.

THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME.

So my thought was, "make the sacrifice to be with the asshole for God. I am already making sacrifices left, right and center. Just add this to it and just surrender."

So, mentally I did.

Then it BROKE ME:

And it continued to render me unfunctionable.

...until NOW

I broke down so much that the most I could do most of the days was to bathe, eat (mango) or watch K-drama. Then I got a little money and don't know how I had the strength to get into the town or walk. But I went and got some KFC and Ice cream,. Which would normally full my tummy but felt like a I threw a tiny stone into a large void. I was still hungry afterwards. I even thought, the lack of other nutrients was the reason for my inability to function or barely move. NO. That night I was shot with the biggest wave of paralytic emotional ailing. Yes because of him, the little shit. Simply from the possibility that I have to be with him and all the pain from it.

Even today/yesterday (when I started writing this), I was sluggish, depressed and broken because of it. Anyone who knows me, knows I move fast wherever, especially walking. I HATED IT. I came home and still torn by it. Especially with the latest Korean Drama I was watching starting to trigger me.

THEN, I said ENOUGH.

I did say I "MAY" have to make this sacrifice here:

source:

I choose NOT TO

The fun thing about my anxiety attacks, that I've learned from Nicholas: It ONLY affected me with the 5-year long ex and Raheem. Which I have chalked it up to men I loved but chose to play with my emotions, hurt me and do not love me. So, to not have anxiety attacks in romantic relations, is to find a man who will not hide his feelings, won't toy with mine or my emotions. A guy who wanted me, protects me, ACTUALLY LOVES ME and not afraid to show it in every way. It's like this K-drama, I'm watching now. The creators want us all to love the main guy. But the doctor, who have been trying to be there, respectful and considerate is who I am rooting for. Yes, it is a show, but it's real how many men will toy with your emotion for their selfish reasons.

Hence why there is a -ish on the dating.

I will date. So like the request I nearly accepted to go out, run errands and chill with a guy in Kingston tomorrow/later I would have accepted if I didn't have other commitments. Giving him a chance. However, I already have enough evidence to see that this individual does not like being alone or just wants company in his life. Someone who benefits him, but barely thinking about mutuality or partnership other than doing what he think he should in exchange for what he wants. THAT CANNOT WORK FOR ME. However, I will give him one chance to prove me wrong. Hence the -ish. I ain't spending time dating because I do not have anyone.

I am quite content with my singleness. I have ALWAYS been content with it and slow to the alter/date. I always said 27-57 is when I'd get married. Due to God's pressure on me to have a partner, I was rushing/pushing it.

Not anymore.

I am going to keep it SLOW like before, with this SAME timeline and results:

source:

It is HIGHLY POSSIBLE I can find a partner by October/November of this year, that's to my liking, good for me, good for the monarch, good for the children and more. However, I am NOT rushing, pressuring it to be so by then.

In regards to Raheem, it's the same as before.

He is DEAD

I will treat him as such until it is so. I won't even kill him because I won't even give him the time of day for me to slit his throat or such. Therefore, not even if he does as I ask will be enough. I AM DONE. He's forever rejected, gone and out of my life.

I do NOT care whatever else God translates to me spiritually, physically or more. Like last night where God woke me at 3+ am to tell me Raheem is coming to me (HE DID NOT). Such FUCKERY WILL BE IGNORED AND BE FOREVER DONE WITH.

If that mean I do not get to go back to sleep because I choose to ignore God. I do not get to go back to sleep.

If God want to threaten my life (FINALLY AND TAKE IT PLEASE), but he won't; I do NOT CARE.

God can threaten paralysis. I do NOT CARE.

If God threaten that my children will suffer. Well I hope they learn from it.

If God said my child I born will be raised without me. Well, he's not the future heir, so whoever will fuck up this child will be on GOD for trying to force me. Plus that child raised without me won't fuck up other's lives as heir. PLUS it's God's choice to do so and fuck with his plan not me. I never asked to be Queen and such.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOD CAN DO, SAY OR USE TO CHANGE MY MIND ON THIS.

#Youtube

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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You see, the people mentioned here:

I did mentioned before that God liked them:

However God AIN'T PLAYING. They will loose his favour and loose salvation if the do NOT obey. In fact, after they obey, I will stop calling them degrading names like shit, bitch asshole and more (ONLY AFTER OBEDIENCE). And they will live.

Which is not like plother people who attack me. Such people like the rapist, Charles, Samantha and much more. Even after obedience, they and their family WILL DIE. Will they have salvation? That will be determined by God and be known when Jesus comes again.

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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If anyone wants to question my statement last night about fighting for the people of Jamaica because I have not given them solid proof. Well I want to tell them to "guh suck yuh madda."

But I won't. I'll simply say:

I may not have proof. You may want to use all the attacks from my parents are justified or to say I have no proof it's connected. You may want to make excuses for the attack I only have evidence/witness for seen in this YouTube video. Or simply you might say the guy was lying. Actually at this point, the guy might just say to you that he was lying, himself. So no point in me telling you it's true.

So the actual fight might not look the same like our ancestors. Like Bob Marley (who've been in surgery the attacks by his attackers), Leonard Howell (who've been arrested for his path) and so many more. I might can prove my attacks but, it can easily by shut down by those with the influence and big money. Plus I do not have ANY who'll unwaveringly stand beside or behind me in all this.

So the undeniable evidence is not there for the typical fights. But I'm fighting.

I can still say, I have the evidence of another part of the fight. The fight to obey and trust God.

To be what God said I'll be, QUEEN 👑, God ask of me to obey some things.

To not work.

God ask me to not work/acquire a typical job with pay. It has been hard to obey this, because one of the ways to survive life require money. In which the main way to receive it is to work for it. Plus it's not socially acceptable to not work unless you are already wealthy or choose to do something else like being a homemaker while with someone who's already working or already wealthy. Yet still I choose to do this for 2+ years.

Many who've follow along seen me mention that at the beginning of this, I prayed for death. I did not want life because of the struggles that felt unfixable. Struggling to progress my life as I struggled to work, keep a job or maintain my life. I was working hand to mouth. Every pay check covered only my bills and I had to neglect my debts. While my debts hindered progress. I still could eat everyday a full meal. Or sneak cheat meal/whatever fast food or restaurant I wanted and could afford. I could even scrap to go out with friends to events and outings. Even if it's by myself. I could buy little nicknacks, dress up, update my looks. Go to the movies or try a new restaurant. Still I wanted my life to end.

Now imagine, barely having friends. People I considered friends barely want me to open my mouth about this journey. People I've loved attack me, hurt me, neglect me and forsake me. I barely have a life. I don't have full meals sometimes. Right now when I don't have money I eat only mango to the point I got tired of it. Which aggressively cleans my colon which is uncomfortable. Not to mention to high sugar content affects on my colon. Then my favourite mango (east Indian) I can't stand due to the over indulgence. Because mango and plum is all I've been eating since last week Saturday. Except for a few things God approve in the pantry or a few KFC meals or ice cream I had when money come my way.

YET STILL I'M STILL GOING; STILL FIGHTING THROUGH TO THE END.

To be with the asshole (Raheem):

Let's start with the fact that the bitch has shown me and others for almost 2 years that he doesn't want to be with me. Yet still I stayed true to obey, even when he lied, fought or neglected me. Well that was up to almost a year ago.

I personally have a reason, I have NO DESIRE to be with him nor obey God when it comes to this. In fact, to be with him, if he start showing or stating he desired it, would cause pain. Not just emotional or psychological pain. But also physical pain, because that's how far it has gone to. It has gone that far for 2020 and he knows it but still chooses to hurt me every way he could. Hence my anger with God as to why he'd still want me to be with that shit.

In fact, I know how much that kind of toxicity, emotional pain and damage interferes with my life and capacity to function. I've been there before. Hence why I'm fighting it and confused why God insists on that asshole, Raheem. Therefore how will I even FUNCTION as Queen, if the person beside me who chooses to cause pain and suffering, would be good for me.

Anyway, whether or not I like it, it's undeniably what has God ask of me. You can try to say some convincing thing to say otherwise. But, I know what I experienced. Whether or not I agree, want to move on or hate it/him. I am the one God send some of the visions about us from 2020 (well, that's until 2022; I haven't gotten new visions about us since last year July or so). I am the one God wakes at 3 or 4 am to tell me Raheem loves me and won't let me go back to sleep until I acknowledge it. I'm the one who God changed my whole body chemistry from October 2021 to now, to emphasize his point or declaration of marriage. It may have died down or not as persistent since last year September. It is still such. Even if I try to move on, it still affects my life (I'll leave the rest of this point for the talk on the funk).

But as of Saturday gone, I may have to accept this sacrifice that affects the rest of my life (even if I had to kill him). Even though I don't want to. So that I'd receive what God declared, Queen, for the greater good for many others.

To obey his instructions and be guided by God.

Do you know how many people know people or have connections to get me a job, fly back to Canada or more. As much as all that would bring physical ease or more. I turned them down. I choose to not do anything without God's approval, guidance or instruction out of obedience. It is a fight as it makes me look, stupid, makes me uncomfortable and even attacked as mentioned. I done things I didn't have to do just because God asked. Many of which directly resulted in my attacks, harm or loose friends/support/people I could depend on. To be obedient in such a radical way is hard and lonely. Many people who'd love to have this justification or journey to use as proof of their righteousness or connection to God. Honestly I'd rather give it to them or end all of it. However, because I see THE NEED for change, I still choose to keep going.

I may not have the same type of proof like the warriors who've fought before. Nor the same scars, if I still have any visible one.

But I've been fighting and STILL FIGHTING.

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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Jamaica's National TV ANNOYS ME.

90% of it's content is created and catered to the afluent, elite and educated. With very little consideration to the reality of majority of Jamaica.

It's the elitism that exist that is so palpable, that truly disgust me.

Then the acceptance of the masses ALSO disgusts me. Because the masses see it as what they should aspire to. Not to mention the elite/educated are inconsiderate and pompous as if they have this right to be this way/do so, because they are EdUcAtEd...

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madchild-dennis · 2 years ago

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I know I know. I'm not ready to fully tackle it and sometimes unable to physically talk/type about it (like last night). I also hate that it has engulfed my life. I hate that it make me too distracted to tackle the government's fuckery. But, we'll talk on the funk, soon.

I do want to talk about something I sat and talk with someone about:

You see this individual did ALL the things that the government is claiming to provide. And still could NOT elevate himself. In fact he now choosing to do things he dislike so that he can do his best to progress himself.

Did you know this person did the work and effort in the Heart program and still got NOTHING. Apparently only a few of his classmates, despite being ahead in the class, got the certification. In fact he said it was a scheme and problems cooked up by the organizer of the program. Plus the overall structure is so lacking that MANY of the programs become USELESS.

Therefore the whole FREE EDUCATION THROUGH HEART TRUST NTA is USELESS and a waste of fucking time.

Then he emphasized how he would not go back even for the free program because who'll pay for his fare, food, uniform and more during that time.

That sounds very familiar. Sounds like I made this very point before👇🏾:

Source:

Then this person revealed that he is NOT currently working. He even break down how he not just survive but also fund the goals he's been working hard to achieve. Oh yes, it is by what you think. Nope not like me, which is by God providing through others. But by skillfully redirecting other people's money without their permission for his use/goals. He even break down how (I was curious). He said he is NOT working because minimum wage is SHIT.

I did not just leave it there. I asked "if minimum wage was $29,000/week would you drop the scamming and work".

He loudly and excited said yes. He even said "why would I work for people, be disrespected by the owners, deal with rude workers and more for $13,000 a week. What I can make in a day by using my phone."

So what I get here is the system set up by the government to make minimum so low, exploitable and unliveable is what making many people, who rather do the right thing, go to do unsavory work.

Nah let me not be so nice about it.

The fucking GOVERNMENT AND THE SHITTY MINIMUM WAGE, LACK OF CARE FOR WORKERS OR UNWILLINGNESS TO STAND AGAIN LABOUR EXPLOITATION IS THE REASON THE COUNTRY IS FAILING, FILLED WITH SCAMMERS AND THE SEVERE BRAIN/LABOUR DRAIN AS THEY ALL MIGRATE (or try to).

I just want to tell ALL who jump on/off boats, hike jungles and struggling while undocumented abroad to be SAFE. And MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AND PROTECT YOU. BECAUSE the potential for betterment, good life or even a life at all is NOT in this JAMAICA with these FUCKED UP leaders.

Now to the Jamaicans left, decide.

Either you FIGHT, or there are ways to leave (legally as well if you can). There is NO SPACE for complacency or indifference or else you will be destroyed. If you're ready to fight, I'm already fighting for you against those fuckers.

You just have to STAND WITH ME. STAND for INTEGRITY. STAND FOR JUSTICE. STAND for GOOD THINGS not shiny shit.

STAND FOR YOUR RIGHT. STAND FOR YOUR JAMAICA.

JAMAICA LAND WE LOVE.

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