madd-days - Tumblr blog

[madd-days]

Not being able to express my feelings

I feel like I've never truly been allowed to express my emotions when I was a kid, because any fits of anger would be controlled by violent methods by my dad. It affected the kind of person I grew up to be, trying to maintain a cool-headed persona who doesn't care about what others think about her. Even the slightest comments get me riled up. and I don't know how to get over it. In the past I would cry often, but now I stifle the pain by sex or masturbation. I don't think it is healthy for me to maintain this coping method. I want to be able to experience emotions in a healthy way, not distract myself with other things. I have the right to be upset and I have the right to feel through it naturally. Emotions make me uncomfortable but it is only necessary for me to become emotional.

[madd-days]

Things I realise I do as a person who struggles with maladaptive daydreaming

Note: I have not properly diagnosed myself because my parents are fully against of me getting diagnosed, so I had only realised I had MADD because of the reasons below. It may have been ADHD, or it might just be a symptom of other mental illnesses.

I shut down completely from social interaction while I quietly perform tasks, because it's so much better listening to myself talk to imaginary people and being a person that's unrealistic to me.

This goes on for days, and I develop the story for my para each day and I'm influenced by things that happened on that day, so for example a radio host with a charming guest where I act as the guest or becoming a youtuber that talks a lot of social issues while playing a casual game. A lot of the times, just basically- I am everyone and I created everything. A god complex.

I spend way too much time on youtube if I'm not daydreaming. My favorite times to daydream are at night when I don't have wifi, and my fantasies are what makes me sleep at night.

Sometimes the fantasies are romantic and sexual, and sometimes they are captivating and exciting. I go to sleep by the first (preferably not too sexual) and go on my day with the latter. If I daydream of the first one in any class, I fall asleep in mere SECONDS. And I actually like my classes! I remember wanting to stay awake to take notes or I'll miss the chance but I couldnt really switch my mind off anyway.

I cannot stand still when I'm having exciting daydreams. I walk around the house a lot. I used to walk around my primary school too but I stopped doing that because people thought I was either crazy or skipping class while I walk in weird places. The urge to wander still happens, I haven't really tried to wander a lot since encountering people I know brings me misery.

I feel like daydreaming is an escape. It doesn't have to remind me of the boring life I live and the struggles I have. It makes me messy and disorganized despite having to actually enjoy cleaning my room. I tend to forget about tasks and I struggle to focus on it on a very bad day.

My bad days push me to hide in my room, repress all emotions and go in my comfort world.

One of the main characters in my daydreams stuck around for little more than a decade, just had gone through change and a LOT of phases. He reflects my phases IRL. But his image is still the same, tall like 180cm skinny black haired boy with blue eyes and a blue hoodie with gap teeth and freckles. I'll probably draw him in his different phases if I remember to draw.

Lately these days I've been daydreaming of escaping my personal relationships. I do have a boyfriend, he doesn't know I have maladaptive daydreaming but he has seen some of the symptoms. It's like I would rather hang out with my imaginary friends than my IRL friends.

It does bug me, when I have urges to daydream but everyone is talking to me. I have two reactions, I act like an alien trying to communicate like sorry !!I can't be as social now but!! I want you to know I am still trying while I have this sad smile I show to my friends who care about me or I deadpan at every statement everyone makes and I just respond like "Yeah. Right. Okay" because I'm too annoyed(?) more like unbothered?to talk with anyone. I don't even realise I do this, I do it to my family members when I'm sweeping the floor/cutting vegetables/cooking rice and I just barely give any energetic response to whatever they were saying because I'd rather listen to my paras.

I do or I used to flinch whenever my mind goes to bad place. Not when I'm daydreaming, but when I'm in reality where things are messy and awful. I think about past decisions and old relationships, and I tend to jerk. I have tendencies to yelp out weird words, or a simple "I fucking hate you!" randomly, or shake my head vigorously or sniff loudly. As of late I try not to be as violent to myself, at least verbal abuse is fine. It used to be bad to the point where I drop and break things and also hurt myself one way or another.

I feel like I'm narcissistic. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a capable rising star, a good singer, talented artist, a unique model and a charming spokesperson. All I ever did was just finish school quietly and live with my parents. Doing anything remotely social takes too much energy. And in front of that many people??? My anxious ass could never

Maybe this is just me but I love analysing emotions and character traits, which is why I love astrology and psychology and it is the very root of my learning interest to understand why people act the way they are. I take too much time in analysis that all my characters have in depth stories. Maybe not the most consistent storyline but it was enough to get me emotionally attached to them.