maddiescars
if you suspect that you know me, you probably do.
vent blog/online diary. header by @2danny2tumble
299 posts
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gonna unfollow all my friends from collegeeee gonna ghost those motherfuckersssssss gonna make them think I'm deaaaadddd......
#they are all so gross#maybe two or three of them were cool but overwhelmingly FUCK the damn lot of them#racists. homophobes. transphobes. sexists. hated fat people for some fucking reason#and i just put up with all that bullshit because i was lonely and had nobody and nothing#it cost me friendships with actual cool and interesting people because the fuckers would all be out with a damn picket sign every week#about some made up issue tangentially related to pregnancy#all those so-called ''pro life'' fucks who pushed for the death penalty#i could've been with artists and scholars but no. i let the idiots lay claim to me. what the hell was i thinking#in hindsight i should have known.#i assumed they were like me. catholic leftists who believed in actually helping people.#but no. they weren't. they discriminated against who was deserving of help. they'd guilt me into volunteering somewhere to help the homeless#and then id be the only one who kept going back.#nobody is like me.#i am going to be on my own. and fuck it. I'll do it alone.
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Also on topic of Consent: whenever somebody says "Kids should have bodily autonomy!" some guy always is like "You are too unrealistic. What will you do when a kid is seeing the doctor and doesn't want to get a shot? Would you just let them refuse the shot?"
Yeah I probably would. You're straight up asking the wrong person if you want the nice normal answer here. Doctors and nurses forcibly doing (relatively routine) things to my body against my protests when I was a small kid fucked me up so bad that as an adult anything medical related is a huge trigger for me, I've had persistent intrusive thoughts and recurring nightmares about medical procedures, and I can't have even the most basic tests and health checks done on top of it.
I hate talking about it because I can't get comfortable calling it "trauma" and I don't have any other words that are useful, but it's made my life so much harder and really scary since if I start having a weird symptom, there's nothing I can move myself to do about it.
I figured out a loophole where going to a pharmacy instead of a doctor's office for vaccines reduces some of the stress, but I was still in stress and misery for days before I went to get my tetanus shot. The repulsion is so intense it feels like I literally don't have control over myself, it feels like I can't make appointments or plans about such things out of my own free will, and so every year I have guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt about how I should get the flu shot, and it does nothing but ineffectually hurt me.
Vaccines save lives and all that, but when it comes right down to it, I don't think it's actually a net benefit to public health to give any percentage of kids lifelong psychological scars so deep and painful they're almost completely barred from accessing health care as adults.
I know I'm not the only one, far from it.
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i have been a nervous wreck all day
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Why did I just let my fucking dentist guilt trip me
Ok AS I was writing this post they called me and told me "hey u know what it's fine" bro what the fuck
#fuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkKKKKKKK#i don't fucking trust doctors or dentists#or any human being or any machine really but that's besides the point#im gonna kill myself bro ill just kill myself how about i kill myself I dont have to go to the dentist if i kill myself#how about i just die right here#fuck bro#there's gotta be something wrong with me idk
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I think I'm good at retail because of my home life, wherein I talk to my parents like they're my bosses and customers
#this place is the fucking worst#it's better for me to hide in my room because if i don't my mom starts talking to me and 80% of the time she's mad about something#she refuses to see a fucking therapist for her random emotional outbursts and she refused to DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEM#she won't join a club she won't get a job she won't go to school she won't put herself into ANY beneficial scenario#she just sits here in this damn hoarder house and acts like a martyr every time there's a dish on the counter#instead of letting ANYONE ELSE take care of ANYTHING#it's all about HER and how miserable SHE is to the point that she won't let MY DAD PICK UP MY BROTHER FROM SCHOOL#because it's ''her job'' bro what the FUCK#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here#nothing will mean more to me than leaving for the desert in a few weeks#i will not have to deal with this non stop toxic shit
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My mom threw away a whole fucking bottle of my mouthwash
#she also stops me while im working on my SOP to either give me tasks or talk about my brothers#i tell her im handling something and then she goes off on an alarmist rant about how id BETTER get that fixed Or ELSE#sometimes i wonder if she's trying to sabotage me#like up front she seems genuinely invested in my success but then she goes and does weird shit like this out of nowhere#it's driving me fucking nuts#i need to get the fuck out of here
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Mom always trying to pin shit on me fuck OFF
#you know the tech is never up to me you KNOW that#you know i NEVER get a say in my tech what the HELL makes you think it's different this time???#YOU KNOW DAD MAKES ALL THE FUCKING CHOICES STOP ACTING LIKE I DID THIS#im so fucking mad
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grandma in the hospital coz she won't fucking change anything about how she lives and refuses to be happy about any situation
#heart palpitations and chest pains apparently#which i think could REALLY BE ALLEVIATED if she just picked up a hobby or you know enjoyed it when things went well#like it could be my birthday. and she'd be all ''i love you im so sorry youre getting older''#i can go visit her and she'll be like ''you look great unlike ME and your MOM and your THIRTEEN YEAR OLD COUSIN WHO I HATE''#like jeez man calm down
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I tried to call my brother and all he wanted to talk about was how he doesn't want to stick around after my graduation and also how I'm lame and how my parents are evil
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my roommate has started using baby wipes and you're not supposed to flush them so she doesn't which means there is a TRASH CAN FULL OF SHIT IN OUR SHARED BATHROOM
#why is this how it is going for me#im not asking much man im really not#i am asking for the bare fuckin minimum here im asking for LESS than the bate minimum im asking her not to leave SHIT in the bathroom#she doesn't flush the damn toilet she keeps taking the air freshener now this what the fuck bro#who the hell raised you to do this???? to think that this is okay????
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I tried to talk to him the other day and basically he's lost his mind and he wants me to be evil so badly that he imagined a world wherein I planned another person's birthday party to spite him
So
#1. i didn't plan this party#2. how would that have spited him#3. how the fuck did he come to that conclusion???????????#god
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a message from Rahul Kohli
#i wanted to send this to my ex so fucking bad#imagine a metal dude who is only metal because he thinks it makes him manlier and you'll get it#he was undoubtedly the worst ''creative'' i had ever met namely because he could not comprehend why#other artists avouded him when he was a staunch institutionalist who had beef with every gay and trans person he could think of#he wrote music but it all sounded the same#i tried to show him the song Handlebars and he fucking refused to actually listen to the lyrics and got hung up on 'who writes about bikes'#all my music was basic to him because he was incapable of interpreting poetry#god i have so much i wanted to say to him#like how if he had written music about his actual feelings instead of just making breaking bad references that it might actually be good#or how if he had branched out of making the same three eight minute songs every two months that someone might start listening#pretentious ass also refused to let other musicians even try to interact with him because they didn't take it ''#''seriously enough''#like bro you are the worst fucking metalhead i have ever met. just. ideologically. you are pathetic
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MISERABLE CUNT!!!!! MISERABLE CUNT!!!!! MISERABLE CUNT!!!!!!
#mother FUCKER#i call him up bc im worried about him i know he's going through shit don't ask why i just do#the people im close to i can feel it I don't know how it works dont ask#anyway hes having a hard time so i call him up#and hes all ''hurrr durrrrrr what the fuck do you want'' as if he didn't cause this damn situation#and i say i want to talk and obv that's not good enough and he shows up and he's all pissy because i had the AUDACITY to imply#that he wronged me by breaking my heart and how it's allllllllll he can think about when he sees me is how i haaaaaaate him#honey you haven't SEEN hate yet#miserable bitch i extend a branch saying i care about you come talk to me and he just shows up like the prick he is#looking at me like i just ruined his evening by asking if everything is okay#i tried to do the friend thing i tried to be nice but NOOOOOOO hes so RIDDLED with GUILT that he's an ASSHOLE now#ive tried to play nice now it's time to twist the knife
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Thinking abt how my love for him was fucking unconditional and he pretended that his was too but then I didn't love God exactly the same way he did and he dipped
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Been making eye contact with a beautiful ginger photographer man a lot as of late. Pursuit is obv off the table bc I'm still filled with blistering fury over the last guy but. Nice to see other people and appreciate them u kno
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The worst part is I miss him so fucking much
#he made me miserable but FUCK MAN#also either he is also having a rough time or i just haven't seen him in a while but#yesterday i saw him and i wanted to stroke him and hug him and kiss him he looked so soft and fuzzy and warm#i miss it. i miss the physicality of it snd i miss him talking to me and going fun places with me and making me feel safe#i miss all the good things so bad that im almost willing to get past all the bad things#im almost willing to beg him to try again with me. even though we both know it isn't gonna work
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My boyfriend left me but we care a lot about each other so we agreed to just be besties and also we're doing it for the kids* bc they can't handle losing the structure our relationship brought to their lives. The kids, however, lose their minds every time they see us together. they also hate me and like to pretend I don't exist
**the kids are our group of roughly fifteen relatively toxic friends ranging from ages 19-23 who are all incredibly horny and batshit insane in one way or another
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