madi2112

[madi2112]

P.E.T. Project time.

Photography Experience Travel.

A combination of several of the series' I had going in the past.

Since I now go hiking TO take photographs not go hiking AND take photographs it's made no sense to continue the "Go hiking with me" entries.

With Mitze gone the "Madi's Meanderings" also became a rather bittersweet series to continue, so I discontinued that as well.

But I still love to travel, love to hike and explore. I also love to document it all through photographs, so viola! This new series is born.

To kick off my first P.E.T. Project entry let's head out to the West Georgia area (not far from the border with Alabama) to Providence Canyon State Park.

The drive was my first long distance excursion with Suzee and it was noticeable.

The good noticeable was that the trip was so much more comfortable. The larger size of the vehicle was appreciated.

That larger size also meant packing was easier with a great deal amount of extra space.

On the flip side, the extra size made stopping for gasoline a far more frequent occurrence.

The park itself was a reminder of areas much father west. Places like Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Nevada all came to mind.

I explored the canyons from the inside on Thursday evening after a few rain storms passed by and the around the rim.

On Friday I awoke early and did the 7 mile back country trail and was glad I did.

Lots to see.

Pictures to take.

All in all I logged about 8 miles, which is more than I thought I could do.

Got to get in shape for Montana!

There wasn't much wildlife, but that's OK. I was here to photograph landscape images with hopes of improving my technique. This in preparation for the Glacier National Park trip the last days of July.

<standing in the stream, and at the canyon overlook>

I think I got some nice shots.

Those will be posted over the next week at Www.tumblr.com/madiimages

Enjoy!

~ Madison

[madi2112]

No Kings Day

The list of 'firsts" I've done with Laura is getting ever longer. Madison's first kiss 100% as her true self. First zoom/video call on a social level.

You can now add "first protest" to that list.

We had made arrangements to meet for the No Kings Day protest in Downtown Orlando and thought for sure it wasn't going to happen. That she would come up with a legitimate reason why she could not meet me.

I wouldn't blame her if she did. While I am certainly smitten with her, I have to remember that same feeling is not mutual.

Which was why I had myself convinced that she was going to bow out right before the event.

But she didn't!

This would be the first time I have seen here since December.

Even though she was in a hat, sunglasses and a mask (protestor cautions) she looked fantastic! 😍

I was trying to keep it casual this time as I am sure I came on a bit strong last time.

We hung out for a couple of hours, and it was a joy to be around her again. For me anyways.

But seeing Laura again wasn't the sole reason I made the effort to attend.

There was a protest to get to.

And get to it we did.

Crowd estimates of at least 20,000 in just Downtown Orlando and more than a million nationwide, let our voices be heard.

The camaraderie, the great vibes, the coming together of a community was such a positive uplifting experience. Laura and I could feel the energy and it was palpable.

I wore my long trans colored dress and got hundreds of compliments.

The crowd was well behaved. The signs ranged from funny to serious to scathing.

Because it was still June and Pride Month was in effect a lot of the LGBTQIA+ community was there as well.

Besides me, of course.

I am so glad I attended (besides the obvious reason).

Now all we can do is hope it made a difference. Even if only a little one.

~ Madison

[madi2112]

Well, this may be interesting

I am more sick and disgusted than ever at the complete buffoons running the government right now.

Which I didn't think was even possable.

Unfortunately these buffoons aren't just comicly stupid.

They are evil and dangerous.

But there is a point when you have to do something.

Anything

Even if it seems pointless or small or futile.

Because a single drop of rain won't change things. But if enough single drops gather togather they can flood an entire city.

With this in mind I'll be participating in my first actual protest rally on Saturday.

No Kings Day is happening in all 50 states to protest as a single voice in stopping the vile actions of a deranged madman and his Gestopo.

Not sure how it will go.

It could be a boring "standing around" all day with a few dozen others who are also fed up.

I hope that's not the case.

I hope it's more energetic, loud, and empowering then anything.

But all I know is I have to try something to make a difference.

Other than the usual fact that my very exsistance and public appearance is protest enough.

~Madison

[madi2112]

My top three so far

I'm sure some of you are getting tired of hearing me droning on and on about my passion for capturing photographs.

I'm sorry to say that doesn't appear to be going away any time soon.

In fact it's getting worse (better actually).

I guess I could go on about my Cancer recovery or Coma effects or my crippling loneliness. Or my transition.

All of that still applies but right now it's all tucked away in the trunk and out of sight.

So if reading about someone's joyful passion isn't for you. Then move along. Afterall, there are far more urgent subjects I could be posting about.

Like what an absolute abomination the Orangesicle Cult is and the insane actions they are doing.

But thinking about that makes me sick.

So instead I'll wax on about the way capturing photographs is so awesome.

I'm outdoors!

I'm not hiking and taking photos, I'm hiking TO take photos

I'm freezing a moment in time that will never be exactly repeated.

I'm showcasing some of the most beautiful creatures, places and things we share this planet with.

I'm away from so much of the hatefulness I face daily

I get to have a creative outlet

I'm learning a lot out wildlife, hiking techniques, image correction software, locations and more

I'm witnessing an image idea that starts in my mind and ends up on a wall.

It's fun!

I think (hope?) I'm presenting my work well enough for others to enjoy as well.

Having said all that, it's time to ramble on about today's title.

Of all the places I've been to in the last 6 months since acquiring my new photo gear my three favorite places are:

Circle B Bar Reserve in Lakeland

Paynes Prairie Preserve near Gainesville

Orlando Wetlands

There are a few contenders as well, but those have had the most natural wildlife sightings I've encountered as of now.

I have a few more sights in mind that I'll show you in the next few weeks.

Keep an eye out on my Photo-A-Day page at:

Tumblr.com/madiimages

~Madison

[madi2112]

A healthy addiction?

Ok, I admit it. I have a personality that is subject to intense interest on a particular subject or idea.

Some call it "focus", some call it "dedication", some call "drive".

Some others though call it "addiction".

While I believe "addiction" has a negative connotation to it, I also believe that could apply to my photography interests of late.

I certainly have the lineage for an addiction issue.

My father the alcoholic and my mother the substance abuser guaranteed that.

It's why I have stayed so steadfastly away from drinking (and worse) throughout my life.

Which is good.

However, my hobbies have shown a similar trajectory as those who do battle those things.

Constant desire to participate in the activity. Unending thoughts, plans and ideas about said activity. Spending WAY to much money on that activity. Feeling compelled to engage in the activity in all its forms, but finding aspects of it that fit you best.

If your an artist, athlete, or career focused individual, then those things are considered admirable.

If it's drinking, substance usage or even eating, that same behavior is bad. Very bad.

So what's the point?

When does it get to be a serious problem?

How do you know if that intense drive leads you to something good or wrecks you?

Ask any successful artist, athlete or similar and they will say it's all so worth it.

Ask a victim of thier intensity and they'll say the opposite.

Si where does my photography stand in that dichotomy?

If it's like my music career, then a failure with just brief flashes of moderate successes.

If it's like my transition, than a wonderful thing seen through to completion.

What to do...what to do...

As usual I'm clueless.

~ Madison

[madi2112]

Introducing Suzee

Part one of my plan to escape things (either temporarily or maybe permanently) by using a small travel trailer is now in place.

Say hello everyone to Suzee!

My new (to me) 2022 Subaru Outback.

It's just exactly what I wanted. Good mileage, safe, reliable and able to tow the travel trailer I am planning to get soon.

Which is part 2 of the plan.

I even had the towing hitch installed as part of the deal for the car.

I named her Suzee in honor of Mitze (R.I.P.)

I know we will have lots of great adventures togather and explore some places outside of Mitze's capabilities.

Suzee even has a bike rack!

As if the "lesbians have Subarus" cliché wasn't enough.

Can't wait for my first trip with her!

~Madison

[madi2112]

The ultimate sacrifice

When you give up your life so that another may live.

Even if that "life" wasn't human. It's still a sacrifice.

The ultimate sacrifice.

Mitze did that for me on Sunday night.

Gave up her life so that I could go on.

On Sunday night at about 9pm I was going home. Just like hundreds of nights before that.

Mitze and I were traveling southbound on Poinciana Blvd. Which has 2 lanes each direction separated by a 30' wide grass median.

All of a sudden BAM!

An incredibly hard impact slams my door. Then pushes us through the right hand lane and into a drainage ditch. But we are still sliding and headed into the thick vegetation and trees that line the road.

The pavement is wet from the days rain and I have no control.

No brakes, no steering. Nothing.

All I can do is hang on and see where I stop.

After what seems like an eternity of helplessness the car stops among the trees.

I look down and my drivers side door has caved in to the point it's up against my seat.

The airbags did not deploy and there is no blood. I'm conscious and functional. Be it stunned and a bit incoherent.

In an amazing coincidence I went between 2 large trees that would have stopped me rather abruptly.

<where we came to rest>

A couple of feet to either side would have drastically changed the results.

As the initial adrenaline subsided my ribs began to bother me. Especially along where the seatbelts were.

I was dazed hurt, rambling and sarcastic as hell.

The paramedics transported me to Celebration Hospital and x-rays showed no signs of broken ribs or fractured ribs.

Just bruised ribs is all. Which is painful enough, thank you.

Thankfully, I was relatively good.

Mitze, however wasn't.

I knew with one look she was going to be declared a total loss. Which a couple of days later they did.

Mitze was an important car for me. We traveled together to so many places. Key West to Virginia, New Orleans to Tennessee and everywhere in between.

Out of respect to Mitze the "Madi's Meanderings" series will now be retired.

It's not the same without her.

Goodbye Mitze and thank you! 😔 😢

~Madison

[madi2112]

Like an unread book.

All the hardwork is finished.

The photos chosen, printed, arranged, framed, matted and installed in the Hart Memorial Library in Kissimmee.

I was able to get it all done in just over a week with 12 new images to add with the 3 already finished from Women's History Month.

It was a LOT of work, but I loved it all.

The process brought back some major deja vu.

Hours of deadline pressure work. Tons of preparation and planning. One time set up and presentation so others can take it all in.

Those types of situations are what I thrive at.

Musician, performer, stage actor, artist etc. All follow the same pattern.

I'm not good at daily, consistent repetitive tasks. I much prefer the energy of one-off shows. Where each performance is unique and has a quality all its own.

Just like everything else it's a matter of how many, IF ANY type of an audience will view my work.

At least at work my performance is done for people who are required to be there.

Here, they aren't.

So the odds that anyone I know will take the time to visit the library to view my work is somewhere between extremely unlikely and non-exsistant.

Which is sad.

But not surprising.

I don't have friends, I have casual acquaintances.

And casual acquaintances don't take the time to show support or take actions to be there.

I've already been reminded of that today.

When I finally finished leveling out the pictures, checking measurements and stepping back to survey the display I felt the high of a nice looking presentation and pride in my work.

Printed, framed and displayed the images really do look great. I felt like I was an actual artist.

I also felt cripplingly alone and pathetic.

There was no one to say anything nice, no one to share the moment with.

No one.

As usual.

So instead of maybe a celebratory picture, dinner or hug. I got what I always get when I feel like I achieved something noteworthy.

Not a damn thing.

Except an ache in my heart and a cheek full of tears.

Like a book never read, a show with no audience, a movie never watched and a band playing to an empty house my work will go unappreciated and ignored.

While incredibly painful, it's highly predictable.

It still totally sucks.

The exhit will be up until July 3rd. Plenty of time for no one to bother going.

~Madison

[madi2112]

The link for the announcement and my profile for my photo exhibit!

https://www.osceolaarts.org/post/art-in-public-places-madison-wilkins-at-hart-memorial-library

~Madison

[madi2112]

Go hiking with me! Part 29

Paynes Prairie Reserve

The Trail:

Actually, it was three trails. Rather than do a review of them individually it’s better to group them together.

All the trails were well marked and easy to follow using a combination of directional signs and tree markers.

There was a good variety of lengths that could be combined to extend the trail or keep it short. I chose to combine a few of them into a long early morning hike of 6.4 miles. Then visit the shorter ones in the afternoon as the temperatures climbed into the high eighties.

The stats:

Combining all three hikes I did 11.2 miles. The pace was slow as there was lots of stopping to take pictures. This included the Chacala trail (red, blue and white), the Bolen Bluff trail and the La Chua trail.

The Wildlife:

Lots of it! The most impressive things were the hundreds of Alligators along the La Chua trail and the herd of Wild Horses on the Bolen Bluff trail.

More images are posted to tumblr.com/Madiimages

Overview:

A wonderful place to visit and a repeat trip will happen in the future!

~Madison

[madi2112]

Mitze and the 15' daydream machine.

One of my biggest enjoyments right now is travel. But to be honest it has been that way for a very long time.

Which is not news to the handful of people who follow this little blogairy.

But a deeper question I am occasionally asked is WHY that is the case.

I'm sure my therapist can answer that question better than I can. But I know a good portion of it is that I have time to dream.

More accurately daydream.

So far I have found that my best daydreaming comes when I'm on a long distance drive.

The combination of having to be alert enough to drive safely but still having enough freedom to let my mind wander freely really gets my imagination fired up and rolling.

So what do I daydream about?

You ask a good question.

Which I will get to.

However let me tell you what I don't think about much. If at all.

Transition.

No more "what ifs". No more "if onlys" or "maybe somedays". No more "I wonder..."

All that is long gone and in the rear view mirror. I live my truth every minute of everyday. Very rarely does it cross my mind. I just live.

Right now I am daydreaming of being in a place where I'm not under attack and feel like I belong.

I daydream of seeking (and getting) political asylum in New Zealand. Where I would have a great work/life balance and spend as much time photographing the amazing scenery as I do working. Maybe even having a job where I do both.

My next biggest daydream is to get a new Subaru and a Colman 13b small trailer, travel to every national park (and many state parks) and sell my photos online to finance it all.

Kind of like my dream of New Zealand but without the asylum part. Assuming the U.S. can survive the nazi takeover currently in progress.

But, by far the biggest and most time consuming daydream is that no matter what happens to me, even if it's just continuing to keep working at Disney, is that I find a partner to love who reciprocates that love.

My drive routine of putting on a Melissa Brayden audio book and dreaming along with the couple is a favorite pastime.

I plug myself and Laura into the story (hey, it's MY daydream afterall!)

We visit the parks togather hand in hand, I find recipes to make for her with her favorite foods, we have "date night" each week taking turns picking the activity and reliving the night no matter what happened, we snuggle on the couch and watch movies togather, we text each other constantly, we try new things togather and so much more.

These are just some the things that run through my head while Mitze racks up the miles as I meander towards my next destination.

Will any of those daydreams become reality?

I don't know the future. I would love to be able to say "yes" with some conviction, but who knows. Life is so unpredictable.

If I had written this entry only a year ago the daydreams were different. The transition peice a bigger part of the puzzle.

All I know for sure is that the crippling loneliness I feel is taking its toll on me and so much of what I do is done to mask that feeling by keeping busy.

Unfortunately until some of these things come to be, then my daydreams and my daydream machine is all I have.

~Madison

<Alone, as usual>

[madi2112]

Go hiking with me! part 28

Circle B Bar Reserve

The Trail:

Well marked, well maintained with plenty of variations to keep it interesting.

The only negative was that a portion of the trail which runs along the lake was closed. "Alligator Alley" sounded intriguing but due to the large number of newly hatched eggs (and their protective moms) the area was off limits for safety reasons.

Still an outstanding way to spend the morning hiking and photographing nature.

The Wildlife:

Tons of it! Hawks, Alligators. Snakes and at least a dozen types of birds had my eyes dancing the entire time. Took a few hundred pictures. Some which turned out well. See Tumblr.com/madiimages for a few of the images I was lucky enough to capture.

The Stats:

Overview:

If you like to immerse yourself in nature and the animals that call it home, then I highly recommend this place. A morning/afternoon well spent.

~Madison

[madi2112]

Filling in the blanks

I remember...

Actually I don't remember.

At all.

Nothing.

Only what lead up to, and then recovery from, my Coma back in 2017.

The stories of what took place and the things that were done and said were all told to me by parties who were there in person.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago and the same circumstances occurred.

I finally had a chance to buy lunch for my friend at work who got me to/from the Surgical Center for my FFS.

Our schedules couldn't synch up so I just now got to find out all the details of the events after I was in the preparation area.

For me, all I can recall is meeting the nurse and an I.V. being started.

Then nothing.

My next memory was about 30 hours later in my hotel room. Head in a cacoon of bandages.

Turns out in those missing hours I couldn't stay conscious for more then a few moments at a time.

This made physically getting me to the car extremely difficult.

So difficult that my friend had to get help from the hospital staff to transfer me from the wheelchair to the vehicle.

Even worse, the hotel I was staying in didn't have a wheelchair available at all!

This made getting me to my room on the fourth floor nearly impossible.

So with help from the front desk, and others at the hotel I was rolled around on a bell desk luggage cart !

(Unfortunately, the stress of the situation means no pictures were taken)

I was then put into bed and taken to the restroom 3 times!

My friend finally left at about midnight to return home and drove back from Melbourne to Orlando!

Wow!

I have had many surgeries and for all the previous ones I remember being rolled into the operating room beforehand and waking up in the recovery room afterwards.

Not this time.

I have no idea why I wasn't able to reawaken after this surgery.

To much anesthesia,?

My drastic drop in body weight?

An adverse reaction to something in the procedure?

That part I may never know, but at least I do now know what happened during those missing 30 hours.

Thank the universe for my friend. Her care and efforts made my FFS possible.

I owe her a lot more lunches!

~Madison

[madi2112]

I remember when...

Last night I had a quick meeting/dinner with a woman who contacted me via Facebook.

It wasn't a "date" or anything even remotely close.

It was as a mentor.

She is a transwoman but is stuck in her current identity and feels trapped and frustrated.

While I do get messages regularly asking my transition advice, this one kinda hit home for me.

Those awful feelings of being forced by life into continuing a masquerade that is eating you alive.

A wife and family you love but hating yourself because you know the truth will harm them.

Yes, I remember all that far too well.

So I met Rachel for a short visit at a Blaze Pizza (where I mindlessly finished an entire small pie while thnking)

I'm not sure what assistance I was able to offer, but I get a feeling that just being able to freely discuss her dilemma and make contact with someone who has been there was all she needed.

The true role of a mentor.

At least I think so.

Because I know that at a similar point in my journey that is what I needed.

It's my honor to be that for someone else in thier journey.

~Madison

[madi2112]

Consultation time in Soflo!

Time to pack up Mitze and hit the road once again.

Only not for another "Meanderings" but for another surgical procedure consultation.

Although, I did meander to "Butterfly World" on the way to Bay Harbor Island. LOL

This one was for the final surgical peice of the transition puzzle.

Yep, the one every transphobic P.O.S. is absolutely obsessed with.

Bottom Surgery

The best part?

It's a go!

I was a little worried that all the Cancer removal procedures would have prevented this from being done.

Afterall, there was a long list of removals, repairs, reconfigurations and restorations done in that area.

But after todays in-person consultation the doctor is confident that everything will go well and the cosmetic surgeries will be successful.

A lot of the structural part of the surgery is either already completed (the bilateral Orcheotomy) or not needed (the Urinary track work) so his work will be mostly cosmetic.

It will also mean a much faster recovery time too!

All that's left is some paperwork requirements and insurance coverage authorizations.

The surgery date is Mid September to allow my complete recovery from FFS.

I'm still processing this news and letting it sink in.

<a bundle of nerves pre appointment >

~Madison

[madi2112]

Thoughts of Random Randomness #83

When you see the absolutely coolest black wedding dress and it makes you cry because you know that it will never happen for yourself.

Not just the "ta hell with you world, I'll do what I want" message a dress like that sends, but also because I'll never have someone to share that vision and attitude with.

~Madison

[madi2112]

One month in the books

It's been a fast month in some aspects, a lifetime in others.

My FFS surgery is about 80% healed at this point and a pretty good estimate of my final appearance is evident.

There is still some painful areas of my face, like my forehead, upper lip and nose that react to the slightest touch.

Parts though feel almost "dead" or at least still a bit numb to the touch.

The doctors at my follow up appointments have assured me these are normal reactions to the amount of procedures I had done.

The important questions are am I happy with the results? Would I do it again or do I have regrets?

I am extremely happy with the results.

I can see an actual difference in my appearance and for the better.

I look more like I think I should have looked all along.

At least for someone who transitioned so late in life.

Was the recovery rough?

Incredibly so!

Painful, scary and physically taxing. Even now my stamina is still low.

Totally worth it.

I'm pleased with myself for stepping up and doing what helps me become the most authentic version of myself I can be.

Before...... 18 days after.....

What's next?

More healing now and more procedures soon.

~Madison