madipadi - Tumblr blog

[madipadi]

Left out.

day old pizza No one said nice ta meets ya No one bought me a margarita

[madipadi]

The worst pain is being homesick for arms that don’t want to hold you.

(via permeate)

[madipadi]

Its not about the examples set before you. My parents always portrayed a healthy marriage to me. Its not about being too smart to let that happen to you. I thought only stupid girls fall victim to abuse, and I was too smart for that. Its not about being too strong. I was always a strong willed person, yet I was unable to walk away. Its not love. Real love does not feel like walking on eggshells, it isnt handing over your phone when they ask, it isnt getting 56 calls when hanging out with friends, it isnt a text when you are with your mother to come home because the laundry needs switched over. It isnt taking care of someones every basic human need when they are more than capable. It isnt picking food and glass out of the carpet all night because your coworkers asked you out to drink with them. It isnt a heart attack if you didnt answer your phone on the first ring. It isnt contemplating suicide because they say you are worthless. Its not love. Its control. And it can happen to anyone. A man, a woman, smart, stupid, pretty, ugly, rich, poor, black, white, purple, blue ANYONE. And you can get away. The one thing stopping me was myself. They convince you that you are nothing without them. That no one will ever love you like they do. That you have no where to go. That your friends and family wouldnt believe you because you are making it all up. That you are actually the one in the wrong. That its not that bad. That you dont have a good enough reason to leave. But you do. I learned the hard way that you dont need a reason to leave if you are even just simply unhappy. You dont owe anyone a relationship. Especially not to someone that hurts, isolates, intimidates, and controls you. So next time you think you are too pretty, smart, and strong to fall for an abuser, think again. They hide behind stunning smiles, compliments, volunteer work, and i love yous. You are not immune, but hopefully you are aware of red flags before its too late. Hopefully you never cross paths with this type of lover. But if you do, remember how you are too pretty, too smart, and too strong to let it ruin your life.

[madipadi]

Did you think i was brave? The things that once defined me Crumble into ashes The ghosts whisper in my ear Come back Come back Come back Im only able to turn my back Strangers see nothing but new But what was long ago was true Only love who you are When who you were is gone

[madipadi]

[madipadi]

[madipadi]

This experience forced me to cope with my issues of being alone and extreme anxiety. I started asking myself if im scared to die, and i found out im terrified of death. I thought i was dying for a minute. I thought of doing the deed by my own hand. The best way to describe it was crippling and agonizing. My own personal hell that i was in alone with no help out. I chose to watch Bob Ross's painting show and eased myself away from hell with slowing starting to control my thoughts again. It was sooo hard. But eventually i fought through and reached a level of consciousness.

[madipadi]

If somebody paid me 20 bucks to look at a picture of my vagina i would say no.

[madipadi]

This person will never hurt me. I can say that as he sleeps on my shoulder with his arms wrapped around me. This is what every person dreams of. This. Right here.

[madipadi]

Build me up to fall

Who am I? Am i who i think i am? Or am i who they think i am? I once thought i knew. I grew a great confidence in myself. My loved ones put my bricks back together after a great fall. And they built me solid from the floor up. And i felt sturdy and important like the buildings in the big cities that hold a high purpose. But there were tiny, tiny cracks in my foundation. So a little doubt leaked in. Then a little fear of tomorrow. And just a little defeat started trickling in these cracks that were swept under the rug. And then one day, i questioned ever being rebulit. What was the point in building me back up? Im really just the same weak shed i was from the beginning of time. I had false confidence. There is a reason i have those cracks; for i am flawed. And people who are outsiders just bathe in the flow of my cracks like roaches. They feed off of my insecurities and pray for my downfall. They dont want to see me succeed in keeping all four walls up and my roof. They jump up and down ripping shingles from the top watching me sway with disappointment in myself. Such sorrow that im not the skyscraper i thought i once was. And i will collapse one day. And all those roaches will cheer and chant and take whats left of me until i am a single tack strip. And thats the day i crumble internally to nothing. There will be nothing left for me. And there is nothing else i can do.

[madipadi]

Thoughts.

Ill write you this song i made up a verse to make you see why i just had to disperse you made me insane you made me so hurt but i love you so much yes it made me alert i have so much sadness i have so much lies i wish i could change it but oh how time flies i wanted to cry cause i cut off our ties why did i want you to say your goodbyes you love me i know i see it so clear i wish i could tell you the sick voices i hear i made things so bad i just couldnt cheer i did this so i could just disappear i wrote you this song i made up a verse i wanted to die and ride in a hearse im sorry i left i put me first and now you are sad and left with a thirst

[madipadi]

Real friends wait until you get into your house before driving off.

[madipadi]

(via mo_wad)

[madipadi]

I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life.

Robert Polito (via hplyrikz)

Clear your mind here

(via hplyrikz)

[madipadi]

[madipadi]

I wish I knew how I felt right now. Couldnt tell you. I am just so tired. Kind of scared. Kinda relaxed. Kinda sad. A little hungry. I am reliving my life and getting flashbacks. I wish I could turn back time and try it all again.

[madipadi]

on the bright side i am not addicted to cocaine

(via pizzaaftersex)

  (via pizzaaftersex)