mae-lavellan - Tumblr blog

[mae-lavellan]

the snow reminds me of haven, and skyhold during the winter and early spring. something in me aches.

it feels like part of me is missing. like there's just a fragment of my soul that's lost somewhere. like i left it behind when i ended up here.

i want to go home so badly. i want to see skyhold, i want to go to the emerald graves. i want to walk in the ruins of my people, to see our history. i want to feel the magic in my veins and under my skin.

i long for home so badly it aches in my chest and seeps into my bones.

[mae-lavellan]

i miss home again.

i just... i miss it. i miss them. it hurts.

i'm stuck here, so i'm trying to make the best of it but... it's not fair. i just want ma vhenan back. i want my friends back. i've lost them forever, and for what reason? to be hurt by the people in this world and laughed at by some cruel god who thinks it's a funny joke?

at least back home i had solas. i didn't have my heart broken by friends and lovers alike. i want that back.

i want my magic back. i want to go back. it's unfair that i was stuck here against my will.

[mae-lavellan]

i miss home. i miss ma vhenan.

i miss the way he held me, i miss his voice, i miss the gentleness of him.

having memories of everything back home...hurts. it would be easier to not remember, then i wouldn't feel like i'm suffocating on the emptiness i feel. i miss the feeling of magic thrumming under my skin, i miss the thrill of utilising it. i miss the quietness of the nights, i miss the livelihood of skyhold.

i am horribly, painfully, irrevocably alone here. it's a loneliness that settles deep into my bones and threatens to choke me out.

i miss home. i miss everyone and everything. i would give anything to go back.

i would miss my friends and loved ones here, but... this isn't my home. this never was my home. i need to go back.

[mae-lavellan]

i'm tired of living where things are wrong.

it's painful.

i feel a ball of nausea in my throat when i think too hard about it.

sometimes i just... look for too long. think for too long.

and i remember all over again: this place isn't my home. it never will be.

the highways make my stomach churn. the skyscrapers make my head spin. all the trees i see being torn down makes me want to scream.

it's all wrong.

[mae-lavellan]

miss my magic.

miss thedas.

i didn't know my parents. i wasn't originally in clan lavellan.

the clan i was born into already had too many mages. i was sent out to find another clan to live with.

athaesia is the one who found me wandering.

.

.

.

i wonder if my parents back home were like the ones here. did they argue against me being sent away? did they agree?

i don't know. all i know is that athy was there for me and our keeper was there for me. i had halla to care for and a bed to sleep in. i had a home.

i would give anything to go back. to have a home.

i'm more alone than ever now. it hurts. it hurts so much.

[mae-lavellan]

winter in skyhold was always fun.

we'd have snowball fights. it'd be me, athy, varric, leliana, cass and bull

sometimes solas would come outside to watch but not join in (though occasionally he'd throw a snowball at varric and blame it on me)

dorian always refused, saying it'd ruin his outfit, but i'd catch him dropping snow onto the others when i was getting attacked—i was sworn to secrecy though. ("no one could know the dorian pavus plays favourites!")

it was... alive. we still made good memories despite the reasons we were all there.

[mae-lavellan]

it was easy to ignore my depression back home.

there were more pressing issues, y'know? like evading bandits before the conclave and the evil magister trying to murder us after it

now, it's all too easy to get lost.

cole would set my mind at ease if i managed to get lost in it. i wish he could still do that.

i miss them so much. cole's peculiar way of helping, solas's calm words, varric's witty jokes... i miss all of it.

[mae-lavellan]

i wish i could tell everyone i love them, just one last time.

i just want to see them again, even if it's only for a minute.

[mae-lavellan]

sometimes i wonder if it's even worth it.

living in a world i don't belong in. living in a body that isn't mine.

is it even worth it? is it worth going through life feeling so isolated, because i'm not home? feeling so wrong, since i can't use my magic, or because my vallaslin and ears were stripped from me?

i know it's a stupid question, i'm just...

lonely. i'm lonely.

i just want to see them again. i want to run my fingers across the cobblestone walls of skyhold. i want to stand on top of the highest trees in the frostback basin.

i don't want to live in the wrong world, in the wrong body, for the rest of my days.

[mae-lavellan]

god, i'm so tired.

i'm so alone. i want to go back to thedas, i want to see athaesia again. i want to see everyone again.

i don't want to be alone anymore. i'm lost in a world that is so different from mine, where there's more buildings and roads than nature.

i'm without my vallaslin, without my ears, without the things that defined who i am. it's so fucking painful to look at myself and see a human, not an elf.

it's fucking painful to know that for all intents and purposes, athaesia doesn't exist here. hell, i don't even exist here.

no inquisitor athaesia lavellan, no second-in-command mae lavellan. we don't exist.

there's just an inquisitor of the player's own making.

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.

i'm so lonely.

i'm so lonely, and so tired of not being me.

because the me i'm supposed to be doesn't exist.

they were left in thedas.

it hurts so much.

[mae-lavellan]

i miss home. i miss it so much it hurts.

i hurt.

i miss the trees, i miss the fields, i miss the mountains. i miss the ruins we explored, i miss listening to varric complain about the deep roads.

i miss it so fucking much. it hurts. it hurts.

i just want to go home.

i don't want to be here. i don't belong here. i'm lost and afraid and it still all feels so foreign to me and i want to go.

i miss it i miss it i miss it

my heart aches

im so alone

[mae-lavellan]

there was this one hunter who hated wolves in our clan—"demons of fen'harel," he'd said.

i always thought he was a dick.

the dalish typically respected wolves out of fear. they loved their myths.

anyways.

there was a wolf pup wandering near where we'd settled for the time being. he saw the pup and shot her in the leg with an arrow.

i remember how furious i was with him. athaesia said that she swore she could see fire in my eyes.

the wolf pup had time to get away while i had a screaming match with the hunter.

athy pulled me away once he started to look afraid. i left the camp and looked for the pup.

she hadn't gotten far. the arrow was stuck in her leg.

i remember how she cowered away from me. there was fear written in the way she stood, the way she looked at me.

i managed to get close enough to touch her and soothe her. i had to pull the arrow out—the sounds she made...

i healed her leg.

i thought i could see gratitude in her eyes. she ran off after the wound was closed.

... it angered me, how easily elves and humans alike can throw lives aside so easily. it still does.

the hunter apologised when i returned to camp. i remember i threatened to burn him alive if he ever did that again.

he never did.

[mae-lavellan]

he'd bring me bread and tomato soup. one time while we were in the hinterlands, i mentioned that i liked to dip bread into certain soups.

he remembered. the first time he brought me bread with the soup, i cried. it meant a lot to me that he did that.

i didn't deserve him.

i miss when solas would bring me food if he found out i hadn't eaten.

he always looked after me. i can't help but think about those times on days like this, where my stomach reminds me that we forgot to eat again.

he'd scold me gently. he knows i'm a bit scatterbrained, so he never got too upset with me. on the days where it was intentional, he'd fuss over me.

athy always told him that he spoils me. he scowled at her every time, even though he knew she was joking.

she was grateful that he looked after me. she could see how much i love him, and was glad that i wasn't wasting my time on someone who doesn't care.

[mae-lavellan]

i miss when solas would bring me food if he found out i hadn't eaten.

he always looked after me. i can't help but think about those times on days like this, where my stomach reminds me that we forgot to eat again.

he'd scold me gently. he knows i'm a bit scatterbrained, so he never got too upset with me. on the days where it was intentional, he'd fuss over me.

athy always told him that he spoils me. he scowled at her every time, even though he knew she was joking.

she was grateful that he looked after me. she could see how much i love him, and was glad that i wasn't wasting my time on someone who doesn't care.

[mae-lavellan]

i know part of this longing is being amplified by how awful i feel and have felt for several weeks now, but... god, that doesn't make it any less painful.

i miss living with people who actually care about me.

i feel lost.

i've gotten used to this place, but... the buildings, the lack of nature... it hurts.

it leaves me disoriented.

we grew up in the forest. we ran around in fields and climbed trees and slept under the stars.

it's all gone. i'm lost and alone and i hate it.

my heart aches to belong again. i see people around me, who know they belong here, and i envy them.

i don't belong here. my home is somewhere far away. the people who love me are far away.

it hurts. it fucking hurts. i'm so lost. i'm lost in a place where everything is wrong and destroyed. i just want to go home. i want to be held by someone who loves me. i want to feel at peace again.

[mae-lavellan]

i feel lost.

i've gotten used to this place, but... the buildings, the lack of nature... it hurts.

it leaves me disoriented.

we grew up in the forest. we ran around in fields and climbed trees and slept under the stars.

it's all gone. i'm lost and alone and i hate it.

my heart aches to belong again. i see people around me, who know they belong here, and i envy them.

i don't belong here. my home is somewhere far away. the people who love me are far away.

it hurts. it fucking hurts. i'm so lost. i'm lost in a place where everything is wrong and destroyed. i just want to go home. i want to be held by someone who loves me. i want to feel at peace again.

[mae-lavellan]

i want to go home.

i want to see athaesia again. i want to spar with cassandra again. i want to sit with dorian and read again.

i want to see my friends.

i want to see ma lath.

i want to go to the emerald graves again—to see the history of my people in the land. i want to visit the elvhen ruins in crestwood again. i want to help my people in the exalted plains, even if the devastation and the stench of death makes me sick to my stomach.

i want to go home. i miss my friends, i miss solas, i miss skyhold, i miss my magic.

sure, things were constantly out to kill us and i was insulted for being an elf all the time, but... it was home.