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Quite a few words about Now this house ain't a home

There are certain songs that break Hongjoong's heart. Turbulence, Enough, Dreamy Day. There is nothing quite as devastating as watching Hongjoong look out at the crowd [Did many people come? People will come right? What if they don't?] realizing that all of us are here for them. He cried again during the first two nights of their new world tour "In Your Fantasy," when Ateez performed their new song: Now this house ain't a home.

Now this house ain't a home is a special song. I think it's one of their best songs, period. There's depth and sophistication to the music and message that elevates it above most of their b-sides and title tracks. I can't stop thinking about it, and I can't stop listening to it.

This song lacks an introduction. You're dropped right into the chorus, as if the song actually began a while ago and you're only now tuning in. There's no bridge, there's no signature final thirty seconds of noise; instead, you have: chorus, verse, chorus, verse. The repetition is key. This song could go on forever.

Now this house ain't a home is also unique for splitting the group into two groups: four members (Yeosang, San, Seongwha, Yunho) sing the chorus and four members (Mingi, Hongjoong, Jongho, Wooyoung) sing the verses.

For the chorus, each of the four members deliberately make their voices sound similar, aiming for a low, rich tone. On a meta-music level, the song leans into the fact that Yeosang, Seonghwa, and Yunho's voices are often mistaken for each other. The first chorus is Seonghwa-Yunho and the second chorus is San-Yeosang. Then the final chorus snakes back: Yeosang-San and Yunho-Seonghwa for that final harmony. San is the one really reaching for that deeper sound, and it's almost shocking how much he sounds like Yeosang in the trade-off of their lines.

The first verse opens with one of my new favorite Mingi line readings, having him tapping into the melodic side of his voice that we rarely get to hear (All About You, Eternal Sunshine, Tunnel) but also deeper and grittier. I actually don't think it's a sound we've heard from him before. And while Mingi doesn't bother to adjust his voice to match his verse-members, it's remarkable how Jongho modulates himself to sound like Hongjoong. In fact, the first time I listened to this song I didn't realize it was Jongho on that second verse. Jongho and Wooyoung both bring a more rap-like quality to their vocals which maintains a tonal consistency to the verses, similar to the uniform sound of the chorus.

Then there are the lyrics. Like all Ateez songs, there is a surface level reading for casual listeners and then there is the "deep lore" of the song. I don't necessarily mean World A/World Z lore — I mean, there's a meta-textual element to all Ateez songs, ever since Treasure, about how this group of eight youths are continually battling against forces who seek to end their journey. Their whole pirate concept is predicated on the reality of operating on the fringes of the idol music industry, and having to fight for every scrap of time, attention, and respect owed to them as artists. What do you have to sacrifice to live that kind of life? What does it cost you? Can you ever go back?

I've heard a lot of compelling and valid interpretations of the lyrics, and I'll offer one of my own: Now this house ain't a home is about yearning for a home that no longer exists and realizing that you must move forward to create a new home that reflects your values (humble and kindness). It is at once a deeply personal song and, on a much broader level, about the kind of industry they want to create for their juniors: the kind of industry that never welcomed them.

Here's Hongjoong's rap:

Still playing in the playground instead of having a real home (Yeah) Still holding onto childhood habits, a kid who ran from home (Yeah, yeah) Slides felt cozier than beds A sin of stacking up new homes without knowing the worth of the old A silhouette shining outside the window That voice echoing down the hall Even the TV we sat around on Sunday nights I miss that place that was just a “house”

Hongjoong has writing credits, so I'll start with what he's said about his lines, translated from a live by @sunshine_1117

"It's completely my memories and I think I've just told my story. I also reminisced about the old days: in childhood, I liked playing outside more than going home...and the slide was more comfortable than the bed. Now even if I build a house, the lyrics were the same as the lyrics we used to sing when we were kids, right? It's like 'I'll give you my old house, give me a new house' (children's poem), so back then everything that was new seemed nice, but now that I think of it. I kinda miss those (old) times when I could hear my family talking in the hallway and smell food~ so now, even if I enter the form of a house, it's hard to get the feeling of 'home' from back then...so while recalling those things, I wrote those lyrics."

Hongjoong has shared how lonely it was to be the only trainee at KQ and how desperately he fought for all eight members to debut. That was only the beginning of their challenges. In his members, Hongjoong has found a new home, but he'll always mourn the childhood he burned to pursue the dream that was Ateez.

His lyrics also remind me of the introduction to Golden Hour: Part 1:

"The moments of laughter with friends Quiet family dinners Relaxing weekends with loved ones Could these be the real golden hours of our lives?"

Seonghwa felt similarly about the message of NTHAAH:

I’m living away from home right? So this song touches my heart very deeply. There are times when I feel this way, when neither the dorm nor my family home feels comfortable. The dorm after all… still feels like just a dorm and at my family home, my room is gone. And it’s been like 10 years. so there were times when i wondered “Where do i actually belong? where is the place i can return to?” But now being with the members has become my comfort. actually it’s become even more comforting than home. But in the beginning I used to have those thoughts.

credit @vnteshwa for translation

Mingi also wrote his own rap:

The darkness that blocks my view From the outside, noisy voices judge everything Shrinking back, sighing with complaints Someone else defines my beliefs and values This place feels cold to me, so cold The whole world is dizzying, dizzying We need to break free to a place Where we can fully embrace who we are Tear the curtains and head to a new home of mine

Mingi hasn't yet discussed his lyrics but they resemble his verses on Youth and Autobahn, deeply autobiographical songs:

Youth

This complex world, no, it's my heart / That has a firm grasp on me and won't let go / Don't know the answers, my head hurts

On this night, night when even the moon cries / Please find it, somewhere in my heart / Is there a place I can rest?

Autobahn

Escape the oppression that drags you down heavily

The storm is gone now / There's no more fear

For Mingi, going back to that "house" isn't an option. That place, his past, represents anxiety, doubt, judgement. To find a new home, he needs to break free from the internalized fear and shame holding him back from being himself.

As for the other verses, I do find it interesting that Jongho and Wooyoung were assigned specific verses that relate to some aspect of their personal histories:

Jongho's verse:

"Are you still there?” Growing up without balance You came to hate yourself Where exactly Is it somewhere, yeah The sea of rest I must go find it

Before Jongho came to KQ he was a trainee for three years at a company that actively sought to diminish his sense of self worth. This company critiqued his voice, his looks, his smile, everything. When he signed with KQ he was clearly traumatized, masking it as exhaustion. He even ran away from the dorms for two weeks without telling anyone. He only returned after talking to a hyung who urged him to keep going. When he sings this verse, the lyrics refer to that period of his life, in search of a place to call home.

Wooyoung's verse:

So I set off across wide fields On an endless road The anxiety that comes with night Is a bitter taste that’s hard to bear I swallow it down, tears well up A sudden rain shower blurs my vision I endure one day, then one more Hoping that someday I’ll reach that place (Yeah)

Wooyoung's greatest fear is being alone. His lyrics refer to isolation, of darkness, but also of endurance. He followed Yeosang into the unknown and struggled as the last member of Ateez to find a place in the group.

Unlike some of the other members, Wooyoung has a very well-documented and loving relationship with his family, whom he sees often. He has a "home" to go back to. Yet, Wooyoung has always been his worst enemy. "Honestly, I still don't know how exactly to receive love,” he told us in 2023. His journey has been one of recognition, that the love he gives so freely is reciprocated. He's gone so far as to tattoo it onto his skin:

"There is saying that I really love and it is also on my back (as a tattoo). 'I'm never alone and I will never be.' There are ATEEZ, my brothers, ATINY beside me. I think I'm really aware of this well." (Wooyoung interview, July 24, 2024)

Finally, we have the chorus:

That piece of me that never left Has much to see, to not regret What you're to be don't have to be You never know what's around the bend Mothers to daughters Who turn sons into fathers In time, we all get taller While sometimes feeling smaller

Now this house ain't a home No, this house ain't a home

I feel like the chorus is sending a message about predetermination and cycles and how it's within our grasp to break free of both.

Parts of each member are rooted where they began, whether it be the childhood home they bid goodbye or the place of fear and doubt they ran from to escape. They each hurled themselves into the unknown and with Ateez they've grown beyond their limits and achieved their wildest dreams.

And yet while they "got taller" the members remain bound to the system that birthed them: the industry, which continually seeks to undermine and sabotage their efforts - to make them "feel smaller." The "house" was never a home for them. It would never welcome them. They had to find their home elsewhere, in each other and with ATINY.

The family metaphor resonates: Mothers to daughters / Who turn sons into fathers. What do we owe to the next generation? What do we pass down? What lessons can we teach them?

To quote Turbulence: Wherе should we be, in what form / What should we become?

Ateez already paves the way as role models for idols from smaller companies. They have become the seniors they never had: encouraging their juniors' efforts, praising their covers, inviting them to do dance challenges. They've already done so much to create a home for the next generation of idols.

Do you think Hongjoong thinks about all that, as he looks out at sold-out arenas and stadiums, so very far from home?

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Hero of Prophecy

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just wanted to share the National Down Syndrome Society’s message for this year’s World Down Syndrome Day (21st March) 💛💙

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saying “i want him” about the character but not in a romantic or sexual way . i just Require him i need to Obtain him

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I think I may never be sad ever again. There is a statue entitled "Farewell to Orpheus" on my college campus. It's been there since 1968, created by a Prof. Frederic Littman that use to work at the university. It sits in the middle of a fountain, and the fountain is often full of litter. I have taken it upon myself to clean the litter out when I see it (the skimmers only come by once a week at max). But because of my style of dress, this means that bystanders see a twenty-something on their hands and knees at the edge of the fountain, sleeves rolled up, trying not to splash dirty water on their slacks while their briefcase and suit coat sit nearby. This is fine, usually. But today was Saturday Market, which means the twenty or so people in the area suddenly became hundreds. So, obviously, somebody stopped to ask what I was doing. "This," I gestured at the statue, "is Eurydice. She was the wife of Orpheus, the greatest storyteller in Greece. And this litter is disrespectful." Then, on a whim, I squinted up at them. "Do you know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice?" "No," they replied, shifting slightly to sit.

"Would you like to?"

"Sure!"

So I told them. I told them the story as I know it- and I've had a bit of practice. Orpheus, child of a wishing star, favorite of the messenger god, who had a hard-working, wonderful wife, Eurydice; his harp that could lull beasts to passivity, coax song from nymphs, and move mountains before him; and the men who, while he dreamed and composed, came to steal Eurydice away. I told of how she ran, and the water splashed up on my clothes. But I didn't care. I told of how the adder in the field bit her heel, and she died. I told of the Underworld- how Orpheus charmed the riverman, pacified Cerberus with a lullaby, and melted the hearts of the wise judges. I laughed as I remarked how lucky he was that it was winter- for Persephone was moved by his song where Hades was not. She convinced Hades to let Orpheus prove he was worthy of taking Eurydice. I tugged my coat back on, and said how Orpheus had to play and sing all the way out of the Underworld, without ever looking back to see if his beloved wife followed. And I told how, when he stopped for breath, he thought he heard her stumble and fall, and turned to help her up- but it was too late. I told the story four times after that, to four different groups, each larger than the last. And I must have cast a glance at the statue, something that said "I'm sorry, I miss you--" because when I finished my second to last retelling, a young boy piped up, perhaps seven or eight, and asked me a question that has made my day, and potentially my life: "Are you Orpheus?" I told the tale of the grieving bard so well, so convincingly, that in the eyes of a child I was telling not a story, but a memory. And while I laughed in the moment, with everyone else, I wept with gratitude and joy when I came home. This is more than I deserve, and I think I may never be sad again.

Here is the aforementioned statue, by the way.

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“Superman’s suit should be Kryptonian” “Ma Kent should make Superman’s suit at home” or how about the third fun option where the suit is the Kryptonian skinsuit BUT it gets damaged by Kryptonite and Ma Kent has to figure out how to sew/mend Kryptonian cloth that seems to have a mind of its own and won’t stop SQUIRMING.

Thousands of years of Kryptonian technology vs one Midwestern mom with her favorite show on? I’m putting my money on Ma.

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Tumblr is super big on the "I didn't say it was good, I said I liked it" but really need to discover the value in its opposite of "I didn't say it was bad, I said I hated it".

You can acknowledge that something is good, great, a masterpiece even, and just straight-up not enjoy it.

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YUTA : TWISTED PARADISE

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— jessica therese, from ‘a different kind of heartbreak’ (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

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Kaji as cats, part 1

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Shoutouts to AI for making all of our lives more efficient by generating code (that I have to look over and double-check to make sure if isn't hallucinating), teaching me about the world (that I have to google so I can double-check and make sure it isn't lying), and letting me make cool art (that looks incredibly soulless and replaced the text on the image with some ancient runes that haven't been recognized since 893 AD)

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This weekend I was told a story which, although I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, because holy shit is it ever obvious, is kind of blowing my mind.

A friend of a friend won a free consultation with Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear, and she was very excited, because she has a plus-size body, and wanted some tips on how to make the most of her wardrobe in a fashion culture which deliberately puts her body at a disadvantage.

Her first question for him was this: how do celebrities make a plain white t-shirt and a pair of weekend jeans look chic?  She always assumed it was because so many celebrities have, by nature or by design, very slender frames, and because they can afford very expensive clothing.  But when she watched What Not To Wear, she noticed that women of all sizes ended up in cute clothes that really fit their bodies and looked great.  She had tried to apply some guidelines from the show into her own wardrobe, but with only mixed success.  So - what gives?

His answer was that everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses - everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles.  He pointed out that historically, up until the last few generations, the vast majority of people either made their own clothing or had their clothing made by tailors and seamstresses.  You had your clothing made to accommodate the measurements of your individual body, and then you moved the fuck on.  Nothing on the show or in People magazine is off the rack and unaltered.  He said that what they do is ignore the actual size numbers on the tags, find something that fits an individual’s widest place, and then have it completely altered to fit.  That’s how celebrities have jeans that magically fit them all over, and the rest of us chumps can’t ever find a pair that doesn’t gape here or ride up or slouch down or have about four yards of extra fabric here and there.

I knew that having dresses and blazers altered was probably something they were doing, but to me, having alterations done generally means having my jeans hemmed and then simply living with the fact that I will always be adjusting my clothing while I’m wearing it because I have curves from here to ya-ya, some things don’t fit right, and the world is just unfair that way.  I didn’t think that having everything tailored was something that people did. 

It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.  But no one ever told me.  I was told about bikini season and dieting and targeting your “problem areas” and avoiding horizontal stripes.  No one told me that Jennifer Aniston is out there wearing a bigger size of Ralph Lauren t-shirt and having it altered to fit her.

I sat there after I was told this story, and I really thought about how hard I have worked not to care about the number or the letter on the tag of my clothes, how hard I have tried to just love my body the way it is, and where I’ve succeeded and failed.  I thought about all the times I’ve stood in a fitting room and stared up at the lights and bit my lip so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying about how nothing fits the way it’s supposed to.  No one told me that it wasn’t supposed to.  I guess I just didn’t know.  I was too busy thinking that I was the one that didn’t fit.

I thought about that, and about all the other girls and women out there whose proportions are “wrong,” who can’t find a good pair of work trousers, who can’t fill a sweater, who feel excluded and freakish and sad and frustrated because they have to go up a size, when really the size doesn’t mean anything and it never, ever did, and this is just another bullshit thing thrown in your path to make you feel shitty about yourself.

I thought about all of that, and then I thought that in elementary school, there should be a class for girls where they sit you down and tell you this stuff before you waste years of your life feeling like someone put you together wrong.

So, I have to take that and sit with it for a while.  But in the meantime, I thought perhaps I should post this, because maybe my friend, her friend, and I are the only clueless people who did not realise this, but maybe we’re not.  Maybe some of you have tried to embrace the arbitrary size you are, but still couldn’t find a cute pair of jeans, and didn’t know why.

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Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, so I plot out my next fanfic on company time