maes-thoughts-and-essays

[maes-thoughts-and-essays]

My friend said these were good

[maes-thoughts-and-essays]

I am grieving for a girlhood I don’t think I ever had.

I am consumed by the need to go back to that time and to love more fiercely. To refuse to accept anything less than joyous, unabashed love from those around me. To love myself the way I desperately needed then and am still learning now.

A deep ache in my chest and in my stomach accompanies the knowledge that this wish can never be granted. I can never go back. That girl will never know how wonderful she is. Those friends will never know how deeply she felt about them and how she ached for a greater connection.

I am consumed by the need for human connection. To love someone fully and completely. To have them see every part of me and love me the same. To know that I can say anything. To know that there is someone on this earth thinking of me. Needing me.

The formation of these connections are a complete mystery to me and I fear they will remain this way for the rest of time. How can I let someone in? How did you do it? Show me. Help me. Save me.

I can not do it myself

[maes-thoughts-and-essays]

My favorite (aka the most annoying thing I've ever fucking seen) thing about Dick Wolf shows (specifically Law & Order SVU and Chicago Med bc those are the only ones I've seen) is that he clearly believes that people like doctors and cops should be able to do what ever they want to patients/suspects. I think anyone who is even somewhat aware of SVU knows that Detective Stabler's whole thing was beating the shit out of suspects and doing other questionable at best shit to get confessions and god forbid one of those suspects doesn't get convicted. Detective Amaro and a few others would do very similar things and then we were supposed to see Internal Affairs as the bad guys because their getting in the way of these detectives' very important and just work. On the Chicago Med side of things, it's pretty clear that whatever medical school these people went to did not cover a patient's right to self determination. One of the main characters forcibly resuscitated a cancer patient who had a DNR order. That's the most egregious case but there are tons of examples like a doctor who constantly puts down patients with mental health and substance abuse conditions and a doctor who will bash patients right in front of them if she doesn't agree with their choices. It's also interesting to note that there are some cops and doctors who are meant to be seen as bad guys but there's no real way for us as civilians to tell them apart. In Dick Wolf's perfect world people like cops and doctors can do whatever they want in the name of "protecting" or "saving" us and it's up to those good ones, who are supposedly most of them, to get rid of the bad guys in their own industries. Which honestly is not insanely far off from how cops work in America but it's still crazy.

[maes-thoughts-and-essays]

The Downfalls of  Mainstream Feminism

Note: This is an OpEd I wrote for my social issues & policy class last semester. My opinions remain the same but I may make another post to expand on this because I had reached our maximum word count.

       Many people in today’s world like to think that feminism has become mainstream, at least in western society, and in many ways it is. There have been great strides made towards women’s equality in the workplace and most people in the US would certainly say that they believe men and women are equal. Companies are adopting pink branding to show their support women and promote their products, pick up artists are using feminist rhetoric to attract women, influencers are using body positive images to sell women their diet, shapewear, and perfect lifestyles. But are all of these things actually supporting women? Are they feminist? Whether you define feminism as “the advocacy for the equality of the sexes,” “a movement fighting for the liberation of females from male control,” “the radical notion that women are people,” or anything in between, what all of these definitions share is that feminism is fighting for the rights of women. So how does the modern mainstream feminist movement benefit women? Many people believe that an increase in what is sometimes called choice feminism has led to a more widespread acceptance of women’s rights to live their lives free from judgement and while I can see some benefits for this variety of feminism I and many others generally dislike the concept of choice feminism.      While I certainly support peoples’ right to do what they like and I think that women’s ability to freely make choices for themselves is a valuable result of past feminist movements, choices are not feminist simply because they are made by women. This is an idea that permeates mainstream choice feminism, that almost anything women do is an act of feminism. Convincing women that doing exactly what the patriarchy expects of them because they personally enjoy it is a great feminist act is very beneficial for misogynistic men. Whether that choice is being the perfect stay-at-home mom or becoming a sex worker, it benefits men and the patriarchy first and foremost. Though these choices are not necessarily negative they just are not feminist in nature. So why do the choices made by individual women matter to feminism? Peoples’ choices do not exist in a void, they are informed by and inform the world around them.       Let’s consider the choice to become a sex worker, a decision that is being made by an increasing amount of young women today thanks to this variety of feminism and the increased popularity of websites like OnlyFans. While women should feel free to engage in any kind of work that they like, since the rise of sex work being promoted as feminist I and many others have seen an increase in the number of underage girls engaging in sexual activity, particularly with older boys and men, and/or posting promiscuous or explicit content on social media. While that is an anecdotal example of the potential impact that an individual's choices can have on the wider world, according to a study published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, eating disorders have steadily increased since the early 2000’s. While there are certainly many reasons for this increase, it is not unlikely that being exposed to an increasing number of women who are showing off their bodies on social media can make impressionable young girls feel that there is something wrong with them because they do not match these very confident women around them. To be clear, I am not saying that the women who post this kind of content should feel guilty for this. I think that there is not enough being done to recognize the potential negative effects of this new era of feminism. All forms of activism have positives and drawbacks and it is important to acknowledge them in order to make a positive impact on the society around you.

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition: https://academic.oup.com/ajcn/article/109/5/1402/5480601

[maes-thoughts-and-essays]

Thoughts on Gender

Note: Much of this was written a couple of months ago. I didn’t edit the part that I had already written but it didn’t feel finished so I added a bit to the end. Also, this was very much stream of conciseness writing. If  I ever use sources they will be linked in the post.

I have never identified as a woman. Is it not enough to simply be one? To identify as a woman is to identify with my own oppression is it not? Womanhood is both very simple and extremely complex from my perspective. The simplest definition of woman is an adult human female, the sex that typically has the ability to produce eggs and carry a fetus to term. Many females are not able to get pregnant but they are still considered female because the “building blocks” so to speak are still there. Most of the organs, hormones, and chromosomes that one must have to produce ovum are there but the woman may have a disorder that prevents pregnancy, she may have gone through menopause, she may have a procedure done that prevents pregnancy or egg production, or a number of other things. None of these things change a woman's sex. Many people have a different understanding of the word woman. Some may define a woman as anyone who identifies as such, though I am unsure what it feels like to identify as a woman. Some people seem to define a woman as a person who performs femininity. While I personally do not wish to use these definitions, I always try to be considerate of others' thoughts, feelings, and opinions, so I have and continue to try to understand this perspective. I have yet to fully grasp why these may be better definitions of woman than the more traditional biological definition, maybe this is because I am autistic and can have trouble understanding how others think, maybe this is simply because I have a different perspective. Whatever the reason, defining womanhood as a feeling or identity has never made much sense to me. Women have been oppressed practically since the beginning of civilization. This is because of our biology, not because of our femininity or because of a feeling we have. What connects all women except biology? Femininity doesn’t. I and many other women do not enjoy performing femininity and prefer a more masculine style. If it is a feeling that all women have in common then what is that feeling? Does this mean that I and other autistic women are actually a different gender since we typically experience the world and feelings differently than our allistic counterparts? The thing that confuses me the most about the newer definitions of woman is, why is it necessary at all? I understand feeling uncomfortable with your body and with how society perceives you because of your body, but why focus on changing definitions of genders as opposed to focusing on changing how society thinks about gender. I don’t particularly like having breasts but that doesn’t change the fact that I am a woman. I could get them removed but that won’t change the fact that I am a woman. I don’t understand why so many people think that it is better to change so much about yourself and in many cases become a lifelong medical patient by transitioning instead of going through therapy to learn more about why these issues are there and how to deal with them. I’ve seen so many people say that trans people shouldn’t have to wait to get hormones and medical procedures but I think in the long run this is a huge disservice towards anyone seeking transition. Even if medical transition is the only way to treat gender dysphoria, many other issues can often be confused with dysphoria and by pushing people through the transition process very quickly we miss the opportunity to catch cases where feelings of dysphoria are caused by underlying issues. Sex, gender, and the feelings that surround the two are very complex. There is no one right answer to many of these questions, at least not at the moment, and I think we all need to be more open to new ideas and hard conversations surrounding these subjects.