maesperanca - Tumblr blog

[maesperanca]

Day off hits..

I've been having a very had time at work recently - my General Manager is an asshole. You know how work relationships are like love relationships. At one point, you just get tired and question yourself that as much as you love working there and you still have plans and dreams in that workplace - is being treated that badly by your boss is worth all that pain, stress and frustration? You get to ask yourself the question that with everything the company brings - salary, work environment, your superiors, colleagues and all that, is it worth it? Is it worth staying.

I had another breakdown today because of another incident regarding work and my boyfriend is top tier support system. I vented out and told him what I felt and made some sense into it and at the same time he comforted me. He told me not to worry about the money. He'll be there for me, if I think I am being treated unfairly, I should just leave. If it's weighing me down, I should just close this chapter and find a new one and not worry about anything financially. Because that's the only reason stopping me from leaving, I can't afford to not have a job and not have income.

I have to think things thru. I have to weight the pros and cons and decide.

[maesperanca]

long overdue.

I haven't written in a while.

I never had the time or maybe I was caught with life? Things got, let's say a little bit complicated in terms of career and on the right side of the road regarding my love life.

I currently work in Fitness First now. I know, I know, shift of career. But I had to. I remember the last time I blogged was about this career thing and I just turned 1 year last 7th. It's been amazing so far, but it's been one hell of a ride as well. I'm currently in the sales department as I finish my exam. I'm still that little girl whining about how I want to be a trainer. And now, I'm having second thoughts again if I actually want to be a trainer or I want to go back to the engineering field. Reading my previous blogs made me realize how I'm not really sure of what I really want to do. But we'll get there, we can't be forever confused. At one point, God's just gonna down on earth and just tell me where I'm really headed cause this gurl is really lost.

As per my lovelife, I've been living with My Gabriel probably 2 years now. It's been a roller coaster ride. We adjusted to everything we're used to before but it's been one of those rides that I'll be riding for a while. I'm not stressing much about the future. Hoping everything goes well. Whatever happens, happens.

Trying to be positive on what the future holds and still excited for it.

[maesperanca]

Take risks. If you win, you’ll be happy. If you lose, you’ll be wise.

[maesperanca]

I’m in this moment of my life na di ko na alam paanong gagawin ko, di ko alam paano pa ako mabubuhay pero laging may sagot ang Diyos.

I don’t know san ako pupulutin, ang daming gumagambala sa isip ko in terms of finances pero niremind lang ako ng Diyos na wag ako magworry. 

Ang hirap ng blind faith sa totoo lang. but again and again He proves na kahit gaano kahirap magtiwala, it’s always the best thing to do even though it seems like impossible. 

[maesperanca]

incoming: 2023

I want to promise myself to choose me, everytime - this 2023. I want to prioritize my mental health, my career and everything that I believe I deserve. I used to be a dreamer, I used to be burning with passion about the things I do then suddenly I crashed. 

I want to promise me that I will prioritize me in 2023. Ako lang. Happiness ko. Career ko. Puso ko. Isip ko.  

It’s not too late to start again, right? 

[maesperanca]

from this day onward..

I’ve been jobless for almost 3 months now and I’ve been contemplating and thinking about the life I want to pursue. 

I came to my senses that events and personal training is my thing.. and a business opportunity presented itself as well. I’ve always wanted to be in the business industry and as much as the first step is always hard, we’re slowly making it work. Then suddenly every opportunity showed itself. I recently had an interview in a marketing company which I really want because it opens doors to the events and everything else and the timing is very flexible. But at the same time I was messaged by my old personal trainer to apply for a fitness instructor job to make way for my plan in making it to the personal training industry.

I’m very torn on what my next step should be but I’m excited because I know this is the start of where I’m headed. Surrendering the next months to Him. Plot Twist 2022, here we go.

[maesperanca]

Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes you courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.

Mary Tyler Moore (via thehopefulquotes)

[maesperanca]

I’m always caught up with the thought of where I want to be or what I want to do.

Not in a specific aspect in life, just life in general. What am I really made for? Why am I confused?

What to pursue, who to pursue, when is the right time? Is there a right time? Do we really need a plan A-Z? Or do we just go with the flow? Would that be easier? Would that be the convenient thing to do?

So much question and no definite and accurate answers. Should we even be looking for answers or we just let experience do the talking? Quarter life, existential, whatever the fuck this crisis is, how do we tackle it.

We convince ourselves that one day, all the questions, all the what ifs will turn into something great - but the waiting and the trusting is the hardest part. The blind faith, the hope that everything will be fine, and all the in between of waiting - that’s what keeps us worried. But we eventually still wait and hope and pray that everything’s gonna be in it’s time.

[maesperanca]

so where do we go from here?

I’m lost. With love, with life and everything in between. I might’ve stumped my career because of not focusing on my priorities, I’m self destructing myself with a love that’s never gonna push thru and here I am writing down everything because it feels like everything is hopeless. 

Being a flight attendant right now feels so impossible but being a flight attendant is also what I desire to be. Keeping it real that it’s a very hard and demanding job but it also ticks all the boxes of being able to travel, limiting myself from going out and drinking as much as I can and seeing Adi on a daily basis. Is it my escape route? It kinda is but it’s also something I won’t regret to be. Is it because it’s the first option I have? Maybe. But it’s also everything I want. The life - being able to visit the Philippines and see my family is one thing. Maybe that’s why I was never given the chance to have a vacation because eventually I will. Being able to travel the world. I want to be doing something I love, something I’d be happy doing. I know it’s tiring but I’ll never know if I don’t try and I want to. 

Being a stubborn person, I need to be dragged or tired in order to give up whatever it is that I can’t let go. I want this. I want my wings. I want to work hard for it if it’s really for me. Maybe years from now, I might think that I’m throwing away my engineering field but my heart knows I’m not for that, my heart knows I won’t be good and smart as any other engineer out there. It may sound as me not being confident on what I am but it’s actually me knowing what I’m capable of now. I don’t want to be the mediocre Engineer trying to fit herself in the industry we both know is not for her just because it pays good. I want to be paid good and love what I do. Go home, be tired and still love what I do. 

I don’t know what the future brings, I don’t know where I’m headed. It’s scary and it’s unsure - but one thing is I want to be sure and I want my intentions to be pure on what I want, where I want to be and where I see myself 5 years from now. 

It’s scary but I’m willing to jump

[maesperanca]

Prioritize. 

Prioritize your work, your family, your friends and your guy (whoever it may be) and stick to it. Keep your mindset straight. 

[maesperanca]

“We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us.”

— Brené Brown

[maesperanca]

“What do you say when you’re not enough to make someone stay? What do you do when you meet the love of your life and realize it’s all about timing? How do you accept that no matter how perfect you are for each other, circumstances get in the way? How do you compete with that kind of fate?”

— Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love

[maesperanca]

“The best things are usually found when you’re not looking for them.”

— Unknown

[maesperanca]

and maybe it’s long overdue.. maybe it feels right.. maybe it’s hard to decide because I’m scared of losing but at the same time I’m scared to be with you as well. I don’t know if it’s worth continuing, I’m not sure if it’s what I want. But hey, we don’t always get what we want. And with this aspect, I never really have a say, right? and maybe we keep on pushing what we both know is something that’s not gonna work or maybe we feel like we’re working now because we never really handled this properly. We’re both scared. We’re both not ready. Will we ever be? 3 days from now and it’s gonna be a year.. Maybe my friends were right, maybe we need to talk it out. Maybe I need to know where I stand in your life, not maybe - I need to know. I need to know if I’m not wasting my time. Someday, it has to happen. I can’t force anything that’s not gonna go anywhere. I want a family, I want to have kids, I want to go home to my person knowing I’m his only person. I know it’s gonna kill me if this ends but I think I’ve proven to myself that I’m capable of loving and caring and I’ll always love and care. Being emotionally unavailable can teach you a lot of things - more about yourself. Specially learning that in every bit of fubu that I’ve tried, I cared, I loved and I still wanted to try. The only thing stopping me is the fear - the fear of getting hurt that always comes along with the loving and the caring and the in betweens. 

But that’s me, that’s how my heart works - take it or leave it. 

[maesperanca]

“Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.”

— James Hillman

[maesperanca]

“Accept how you feel but don’t let feelings rule you. You are in control. You are not their slave.”

— Unknown

[maesperanca]

“I’ve got to admit it’s getting better. It’s a little better all the time.”

— Paul McCartney