magenta-teal

[magenta-teal]

I Love You but I am Too Tired

Seeing you act like there's nothing makes me feel upset. You came up, with your usual cheerful vibe, act like nothing happen. Made me angry. Like, how could you? We are not in the state that could share video reels freely on instagram. Do you think our relationship is just okay? No. Not at all.

Do you understand how I am dissapointed by you a lot? You betrayed me, again and again. When I just about to trust you, you showed me again your true self. You said that you will chase me, come to Australia, turns out it's all bullshit.

And you just came? Chitchat like nothing?

Please wake up...

I am really tired of you. I can't play your game anymore. I have reach my limit. I can't do it anymore...

I want to swear to myself, if you still acting like this, I'm not gonna see you anymore. Our last trip in japan, I swear would be the last. Even we are in the same country or city, if you still act immature like this, do not ever think of seeing me, because I will avoid you, I will act like you are not exist, I can make it like we never meet before.

Why don't you understand that you hurt me a lot? Why don't you understand that you give me a big trauma? Why don't you understand that we are not okay anymore?

I was waiting for you... perhaps if I open up my feeling for you, you will respect me, or at least understand me a little bit...

But no, you still act shamelessly. I guess my expectation to you was too high.

Get a life... just... leave me alone...

[magenta-teal]

Why I Like You So Much?

Six years have passed. And my feelings remain the same.

I know all of your secret, your flaws. And I still keep thinking about you.

You hurt me, many times. And I still want you.

You keep coming back and go. And I will always wait for you.

Why?

Why I like you so much?

Like a crazy person, why I like you this much?

Something must've been wrong in my brain.

Why it becomes like this?

Why I can't forget you?

Why you keep coming again into my dreams?

Where is the logical answer?

I really need the answer now....

Six years have passed.

And I still have no idea what's going on...

[magenta-teal]

What If?

You declared yourself that we can't be together. At least for now. You said that the distance really meant to do us apart. Yeah, probably you're right. You can't be alone and always seek for companionship. Yeah, you fucking right.

But then, there are lot of things that foster my curiosity. My head is full of questions which I couldn't answer. And the main question is; I just can't understand why heaven still allow us to meet. We still eventually meet. Even though we already apart for nearly four years. Even though we have time zone differences and got separated 5.328 miles away. Even though you already have new friends, and so do I. So, why?

Why it's still exciting to talk with you? Why our conversation still lasted until 5 AM? Why I still have reasons to fly miles away to meet you? Why you still allow me to come? Why you still try to reach me even though I already shut you down? Why you still whining at me like a baby? These cannot meet my logic. This is just not right, this is just too impossible.

So what if, I just wanted to say what if. What if there's a possibility for me to go to you? What if somehow I could eliminate the distance between us and get closer to you? Will you allow me to go where you go? Will you allow me to stay by your side?

What if this is one thing that I should face? Living abroad is always been my dream since little. So what if, what if this is the way for me to follow my long-awaited dream? True, I've always wanted to live abroad, but somehow I also know that this dream is somehow impossible. What if it is actually possible?

Dear God, I've been praying to you all this time. I've been wanting you to separate us if it's not right. I've been wanting you to wipe this feeling if somehow it is wrong. That's what I want, that's what I need.

So dear God, I know I've been away from you this time long. But I want to pray again, and please help me finding the answer. If somehow we can't really make it, please make us forget each other and be happy with our own path. Make us not trying to find each other, and just stay in wherever we are. Make us, separated...

But if, if this is somehow my fate, to chase him to that very extent, so that somehow I could also make my impossible dream comes true, please, please make me do it without turning back. Please give a strength so I just could follow my heart without listening to other people.

Dear you,

Can I go where you go?

[magenta-teal]

What Makes Me Happy

Should I follow the path that makes me happy? Or just go with everyone's expectation and follow the right-conventional path?

I can't lie, he is the reason of my happiness. As simple as watching him breathing already makes me happy. That's when I know where my love placed. It just within him.

But loving him is also wrong. I know I'm not the only one. And we are far from each other. He wants to freely love anyone who is there for him. Who stays near him. And I'm not the option.

So I know, of course I fucking know. My logic says that it's wrong. Totally wrong.

Except there's always a 'but' in my logic.

But we can talk until dawn without running out the topic.

But we are such a good team and match each other well.

But he can understand me well.

But he will always come back even I already cursed on him many times.

But he always call eventhough I never call back.

But he will always try to reach me eventhough I tried to stay away from him.

But I found myself becoming myself when I am with him.

And I found my happiness lies within him.

And then, what?

And then,

What?

Probably, this is just another test from God. How far I can control myself so that I don't tumble into that deep hole. So that I can always follow the right path even though I know that another path is full of fun.

Damn it,

I didn't know that it would be this hard.

Perhaps for now, I should just be with myself without letting anyone enter my heart.

But again, it's too damn hard.

So hard...

[magenta-teal]

Last Greetings

First i would like to say sorry if i suddenly text you something like this. But i know that i never win againts you if we talked. You always came up with reasons which i couldnt counter, so it might better for me to put it into words.

Maybe you start wondering, why suddenly i came up with that conversation that night, me too, i was surprised myself. Because i knew that i was okay. We were okay. Or maybe it just what i thought.

Little did i know, i've been pretending all this time. It seems like i was alright, when in fact, i wasn't. I didnt realized myself, until i talked with alvin. She saw something was wrong with me, and finally i realized, yes something indeed is wrong with me.

To put it into words, i kept numbing myself. Years over years, i kept believing that i was alright. I kept on denial. And it happened again and again. I couldnt really talk to you how i felt, whether i was sad or happy. The me that you saw all this years, maybe was not the real me.

The real me, i've been hurting a lot by you. Whether the time when you didn't speak the truth to me, or the time when you finally speak the truth but was too late. It could have been better if you speak the truth earlier, so when you finally left me back then in 2020, you didn't give me hope and wonder, whether we can be work out or not.

2 years left me in wonder, until finally you spoke the truth was already more than enough time for me to finally started numbing myself. I couldnt feel pain anymore. Because theres no pain that is more painful than feeling betrayed by someone you love.

If you now wondering why i still want to be with you that time, maybe i was still scared to lose you. Thats why i was okay with that. I tried to understand you, to be real good friend for you, even though i hurted a lot. Because i loved you and i didnt want to lose you.

But dont get me wrong, all the laughs that we shared, all those calls and travels, it never been fake. I was happy. It was one of my happiest moment in life. Maybe this is also the reason why i still want to stick with you. Because i always feel like we are a good team, i can understand you, and you can understand me. Better than anyone else.

So thats why, when someone else appeared in our conversation, i tried to be fine, because im afraid to lose you. Im afraid to lose someone that resonance my energy. Maybe you could see me laughing, like the time when you told me that you cried over your lover. I laughed a lot, not because it was funny. I laughed over my stupidity, to the fact that someone that i loved the most, cried over somebody else.

But again, little did i know, theres so much differences between just listening to your story, and experiencing with my very own eyes. I could tell how happy you were when you talked with him, how excited you were, how your eyes rounding itself. Ahh... I'm hurting again... thats all i know.

Maybe it could have been better if you just keep silent. I told you many times, it's okay if you want to date someone, i know after all you cant live just by yourself. You need someone, i know it better than anyone. But what i asked was, just dont let me know. Not even a bit. But i dont know why you let me know. It seems like you dont care with my feeling at all. Or maybe it just how we expressed love differently. Theres no right or wrong.

Now you can say that you dont date that person. It's also okay, maybe our definition of dating is just different. But for me, you love him for sure. And i think i cannot keep pretending anymore.

I want you to know that i'm hurting, i want you to know that i'm not feeling good.

If you are wondering i suddenly i write this, it's not that i want you to come back to me, it's not that i want you to leave him so you could be mine 100%. No, no at all. I just wanted you to know. All my feelings all over this past years, which maybe you failed to understand. Or maybe i failed to show it to you. I want you to know. Like how you finally open everything to me, i also want to open mine. And this is me, the real me.

I think our definition of love is somehow different. Or too different. The more i think about it, the more i think maybe thats why we never work out.

But again, dont get me wrong. I was happy with you. You are one of the important person i have in my life. You are the one whom matter the most for me. I just dont like the idea theres someone else between us. Thats it.

Now that i see you happy with your life, i also want to be happy for you. So thats why i think my time has finally arrived. Maybe this is the right time for me to go. Cause you finally found someone who understand you. Who always say yes to you. Who never get mad at you. And i'm sincerely happy for that.

Thank you, for the time we spent together. 6 or 7 years is not short. And i'm grateful for that.

Thank you...

[magenta-teal]

Him, Who Never Be There

I had a bad time these past days. Maybe because my period is coming soon, maybe because of my hormone, or maybe because lot of things happened in my hustle world. I felt my energy was really drained. My mood has been down. I did't have anyone to talk to.

I know this is not fair, but at those annoying times, I just want to talk to him even for a bit. I really need him. I know I became a bitch when I just want to call him wherever I need him, but that's the truth. It's not everyday, just for sometimes, just for one time, there will be a time when I really need him.

But he won't be there.

He never be there.

It was somehow hard to contact him. He will reply my message after one or two days had passed. He wouldn't pick my call.

He was not there.

But I know I can't blame him. Eventhough I'm mad at him so much, I just know he never wrong.

He already let me go long time ago. Because he did not want me to depend on him. He wanted me to find someone else. So when the time like this coming, I will have someone to talk to.

Because he knows he won't be there.

But where is the one that I'm longing for? They never be there either. Time passed and it's hard for me to believe at such a thing. Makes me think such thing never exist. I can't belive it anymore. Happily ever after just an other story.

I know I can't expect from anyone. Not even him. But sometimes, just for sometimes, I just want to lay my head on his shoulder. Or hug his body thightly. That's it. That would be much more enough. He doesn't need to listen or do anything. Just his presence is enough.

Is it too hard to ask?

[magenta-teal]

Him, With That Unlimited Patience

I just found out today that it's really hard to believe in someone again, once your trust is already broken. It happens to me tho. All he did behind me, all those liars, all those secrets of him, can't help but make me think that way. It's hard for me regain my trust on him. It's even made me mad and frustated to myself. Because I know at some point what he said was true, but my mind refused to believe in him.

That's when I was being super immature. I became selfish. And I wanted everything came according to my will. I heard my heart saying to stop. To not hurting or burden him anymore. But I just couldn't stop. I kept thinking bad of him. My brain kept giving me a signal to saying otherwise. Even though I know he's saying the truth, even though I know he is true, I still couldn't stop.

I was ugly crying behind my sunglasses, on my way to studio exhibiton. I could feel the tears falling from my cheeks. I was glad I have my sunglasses with me, because the train to Brunswick was quite busy that afternoon. I was crying for the fact that I couldn't trust him anymore even he's saying the truth. I was so frustated. I knew he didn't do any wrong, but I kept blaming him. I knew all he said was true, but I couldn't believe it. What's wrong with me? Why it'a hard for me to believe in him again?

Time passed, I did having fun with my friends for a while. Not a single thought of him coming to my mind. It was lasted until I got home. Then the uncomfortable feeling was starting again. I know I need to finish this. I know I need him to just giving what I really want this time.

It was super ridiculous and stupid thing to ask. To post my birthday even after one week has passed. Just so immature. I didn't know how that's work, but that's all everything I wanted.

And he did.

Obviously.

Without hesitant, without thinking much. His patience was outweighed my immaturity. And once again he wanted to prove me that I am matter to him.

It might be a small gesture, but I found out that it really helps a lot. I think I can start trying to collect my scattered heart and fixing them again. Or maybe it's him who try to fix it?

Now I just want to hug him and say thanks. For once again, dealing with my immaturity. For once again, showering me with that unlimited patience. For finally trying to fix what has been broken. I really appreciate that.... 고마워 자와 🍂🍁

[magenta-teal]

My Cute Alpha Man

You are not the manliest man I've ever met. You are not like a typical guy whom rarely post in instagram. You like to express yourself! You cry a lot, even from watching drama or movie. You love cooking, the 'yellow rice' is the dish that amazed me the most. You whining a lot, complaining about this and that. You never really satisfied with one thing, must have something to do next. I never saw you doing sports, indeed you love to workout for your healthy body, but for me, videography and photography are the things that make you looks sexy.

You are cute. I told you many times. And you seem unbothered. I know most of the man doesn't want to be called cute, but I can't help. You are. You do.

However, this cute little man is the most alpha out of alpha man I've ever known. You will get want you want once you decide. You will say no to the things you don't like. You know what you want to do, or where you want to go. The good planner, the good partner for sharing. You can make people go as you want with your smart speech. People will follow your lead, like an alpha wolf.

As an alpha woman myself, I need someone reliable like you. Who will debate me if I'm wrong, who can discuss with me about the future, who can lead me to a better me. I can't be with someone whom always say yes to me. We need to argue a lot, war of logic, until I accept my lose.

I don't need the guy next door. Typical manly man whom everyone adore. I need a friend, a partner. If you read this, you will know why I love you so much.

You are a cute, yet smart yet humble alpha man whom I can rely on.

[magenta-teal]

What Happen to Me?

We had a call last night. I called you first, because you were calling me several time which I couldn't pick up. Just worried a little bit, or perhaps curious about how're you going.

It didn't take long until you told me everything. You had a fight with your lover and it made you sad till you cried. I didn't know what's amusing, perhaps the fact that I cried over you who cried over someone else just more than ridiculous till I laughed over myself.

I laughed much, I couldn't stop, tears were falling over my eyes. You looked at me with confused, you said it didn't funny while giggling too. But you didn't stop talking, and started singing with the song which currently relate to you. I laughed myself even harder.

I don't know what happen to myself. I should have just cut you off, shut you down, when I first heard you had someone else. But I couldn't. I just want to accept you for whatever you are. Or maybe it because I knew you guys wouldn't work anyway, so I'm still okay sticking with you. Or maybe it's simply my feelings arleady gone? Well I don't know.

However, if you ask, do I still wanna marry you, well it could be the easiest yes. Not because I love you that much, more like for convenient. I mean, I think I should be okay spending time with you, and I know it's gonna be fun. I understand you, and you understand mine. So nothing worse could possibly happen.

I cannot see marriage as a holy sacred affair anymore. For me it just simply living together legally without getting judge by people. Having a friend to spend the rest of the life with. Having friend for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Friend who watch a movie together and sleep together. Friend who can talk about everything, and laugh together. Just simply like that. And it's enough.

As long as we don't have kids, it could be the easiest thing living with you. The day will just passed by and we will growing old together. This could be the simplest thing which could be happened.

What happen to me? Why do I let you go this easy? Why do I still want to accept you despite of anything? Ahahaha! I still try to find the answer. Perhaps I could find it in the next two or three months. Just watch 😛

[magenta-teal]

New Begin

The feeling suddenly wear away. Those depression and anxiety, my overnight thinking and daydreaming. All is gone. I don't recall exactly what happend. All I can remember, we had a fight that day. You were so mad at me, which made me feel guilty at some point. I remember the part that I've got hurt by hurting you. And that's all.

The moment I woke up on one fine day, I couldn't remember my sadness and sorrow. Not even the day when you said those painful things. Hell yeah, I do remember what you've said, but I failed to remember how it feels like. It simply that I've forgot the feelings.

My curiosity toward you is somewhat gone. All I know is, I can go on live living without you. And I'm totally fine. I don't need to ask your day again, how is your life, how you are going, it just, I lose all the interests.

I can see your update though? From your instagram account, maybe your facebook? And you seems fine. That's all the matters. I'm happy that you are going well, with your start up, with your last upcoming semester, I can feel your excitement. But that's all. Yeah, that's all.

I don't need your further update. About your partner, about your lover. And I'm not curious at all on what you are doing with them. In fact, I know you guys will broke up anyway. There's no point. Just a matter of time.

I know at the end of the day, you'll come back to me. Does it suck? Well, not really. I will be happy if you do. But doesn't matter if you won't. You can go wherever you want. I just know that you can't go any further without me. You are stuck with me, that's all I know. It seems like a cursed. It is.

Because at the end, it's only me who knows you better than anyone. Even better than yourself. It's only me who accepts you as the way you are. I never demand you to change, because I always love your perfect imperfection. And it's only me who loves you unconditionally. Well, you will need someone like me to deal with your complicated life.

Do I still love you? I don't know actually. Suddenly everything's feel indifferent. Couldn't care less. But I know I will always have the capability to bring my feelings back again.

It can be you or someone else.

But I swear to mom, that I can't go on with any other man, if I don't love him as much as I used to love you.

[magenta-teal]

"It needs 16 days to finally realize, I'm not in love anymore..."

- 08/03/22

[magenta-teal]

Let it be the Final

I let people know that I want to take care of him. I want to be with him until very last. Until finally he found someone whom matters, who can be with him all the time. Whom he can trust, whom can changed him to a better way.

Then they said, what about you?

I don't know. I don't have a plan for myself. Just to see him from far away with somebody new, who is better than me, I think that's when I can completely moving on.

I should get mad at myself. Why should I care that person much, when I haven't take care of myself yet? I did. Of course I finished contemplating myself with the result of no answer.

So, what if, just what if, this is the fate I need to face? Loving somebody unconditionally, more than myself. So that person knows that he is loved by others. He can have all the love which maybe he never had.

However, more to think about it, I think this is all wrong. Too much love would kill. And this is what kills him: my overmuch love.

Dear God, if this is the final part of us. The story that you've already written. Let it be really a final. Don't ever try to write another twist. Because my dear God, this is too much for me. I cannot stand this. And I'm too exhausted for everything.

I will be really thankful, if this is a turnpoint, which will finally solve all my heart problems. With this new season and everything, with this new people and place, please, let it be the last. Make us be happy on our chosen path. If it's possible as well, don't let us crossing at each other's way.

I just don't want to hurt him more. And I can't bear letting him to hurt me even more. So please... Let it be the last... We both are tiring... Please, dear God the ruler of heart, which can flipped our heart as easy as flipped our hand, please just for this moment, let us be separated...

I don't want to feel guilty, I also know he doesn't want to feel guilty either. We hurt each other so much... so please, just distant us... if we can be better by not knowing each other, if we can be better by forget each other, please let us be...

This is the last thing I would ask to you dear God... Please give us some merci...

[magenta-teal]

Again: Hurting

What if someone's trust become a distrust to another one? When they start opening to you but you just questioning everything because you simply don't trust them.

When something is revolving behind your back, sometimes I think it's better to left them unsaid. Because perhaps it could be a burden to another person, because that person might be overthink anything, and starting to get insane?

If you ever read this, please know this one thing: do you know how much struggle I have listening to your secret? It starts tearing me bit by bit. It's hurting me a lot. I'm happy that you trust me this much, but who am I to you? When you don't even love me anymore, why bother telling me everything?

Do you think it's easy for me to let you go? Do you think it's easy for me to see you with another girl? I already understand you that much, more than enough, tolerate everything. So please, just for a second, please be aware of my feeling as well... How I'm still love you that much, how I'm still hurting to know you with someone else.

I know I'm in the wrong, digging something that I should not have to. But for a second, I just want to validate everything. If that night we spent was true. If those feelings were real. Do you think it's too much?

But at the end, it's me who feel guilty. Even though you didn't tell me the truth earlier, even though I cried all night long because of you, even though I'm already letting you go.

So, I'm sorry. For everything.

I'll be happy for you.

And I really meant it.

[magenta-teal]

That's What Happened: You

I'm not joking when I said you are the source of my depression. Everything was true. Well, I finally understand why. Today at this very day.

You and me, us. We were bond to pull each other. But at the same time, we were hurting one to another. I want a secure relationship, a dreamy one, a disney-like, all must be conventional if talked about relationship. I couldn't go wild, I would like to play safe.

But you, the one who still confuse about yourself. Never trust on marriage. Having a free will and spirit. Fears of commitment. We are nothing in common.

Moreover, we both dream about being nurtured. Thirst of affection. Love being present. We cannot deal in long distance. Well, that is our path. Never had a crossroad.

Karmic was revolved around us. We couldn't let go one of another. We were still thinking of us even though we met someone new. That's how tragic our relationship is. I hate being tied in this string. Want to walk away because of exhaustion.

Then it is said I need to fix myself first. Be more patient, be more relaxed. Trying to find a courage to face those realities: not everything in this life will work according to my will. That's the key of my lifetime struggle. Assertive and acceptance.

Hi, you! The one whose sun placed in Libra. Perhaps, it's true that you were the source of my depression, however, it also true you were my lifetime lesson. You taught me all about relationship. You taught me how to achieve my dream. You taught me how to be more patient and accept someone completely. But most importantly, you taught me how to love unconditionally.

Go! Find someone! Someone who could heal your trauma. Nurtured you, and love you like mommy to her son. I will also find myself. I will love myself as much as I loved you. I won't ever looking back. I will believe now that you are my past. The future is still unseen. I will live for today with spirit and happiness.

Thank you!

[magenta-teal]

Another Chapter to Enter

When I packed my bag and flew to Korea, I never expected we would talk about those serious things. I just want to make some escape for a while and having fun with myself. But well, never expect something usual. Because with you, my life would be a roller coaster. It can flip just in a second.

That was started when you told me your exhaustion, regarding the fact that I really want to block you once I see you with some other girls. It was a really nice night. We sat around Han river, seeing a glowing fountain from the bridge. But I never know it would stressed you a lot. You looked really tired, and with your subtle voice, you told me to just block you right away.

It was because you don't want being the mean one. You don't want to feel guilty. Or you just give up of our friendship? Because at the last, you might be end up with someone. And that's not me for sure.

I was crying. Remembering the fact that I also stressed a lot because of you. Why don't you talked it earlier? When I still have a power to leave you? When I told you many times that it's better for us to block each other. So my feelings will be healed, and we can completely be friends. It just too late now.

So I asked you, if you were seeing another girls now. But you didn't. I know you never lie. So what's the point of blocking you now? I didn't see the point.

You never hug me although you clearly saw me crying. I knew where your heart is. Just too obvious. Your were the open book. I could read all of your pages. Well, the tears didn't last forever. I was already used to it. So I wiped my eyes, and we came back laughing again. It just so us. And I didn't want to ruin my trip with this conversation on the first day I arrived.

Moving on, I really had a great stay with you. You were really reliable. Always checking up on me whenever you were not home. Make sure I was eating some food by cooking the rice before you go. You even accompanied me to clinic for PCR test although I told you many times that you don't have to. Super nice host. Super good friend.

That was quiet a trip. Thought you wouldn't have time for me but you always stay with me everytime. We made it to Hanok Village, took some photos, having fun with the trip. Just the usual you who want to make a content, by walking through the tranquil trees. I could see your innocence, free from your burden.

Then we went to karaoke. Slightly different from the you before. Because again, you were the open book. I could understand that your feelings was not with me anymore. Just listening to your singing. Love is open the door would never be the same.

There was a time when you introduce me to all your friends. I couldn't really get along because my english was limited, and they talked too fast. You said to me everyone is trying, so I should try as well if I want to survive. Ah... really? The drinks was for lowing the tension. You said so. The reason why you drink. Again, really?

Then I proved you that I didn't need drinks to get along with your friends. Once I made a friend with one of yours. I told you I could go with my own way, and didn't need drinks. I also told you, that I didn't need to be friend with everyone. You were agree with me, but somehow I could feel the offense in your words. You said you just want to drink. That's all. Which made me creep and sad, for some reason. Was it the you I used to know?

The differences started to show, and finally we both knew that we were a completely opposite. From the simplest thing as I didn't want to walk faster while you want to arrived quickly. To the complicated thing such as, for you it was okay to talk harsh as long as it was genuine and for the better, but for me I prefer to try understand more rather than to judge others, even though sometimes that could be a lie.

We argued a lot. I cried once because you were so rude with my breakout face. Yeah, you started to think like Korean, when the looks is above everything. You didn't feel good with yourself even though everything seems fine to me. For you the result is number one, and you didn't want to see the process. Living in Korea for two years made you think that way. I was dissapointed yet pitied you at the same time. Where that comes from? You poor little boy, lost in the dark wood without any lights to guide you.

But yeah, I still managed to look fine. Laughed at you, made the conversation. Well, it was me afterall. I could stay like nothing happened. One thing that you couldn't do.

Even so, you were a super great guide. Never felt hungry wherever I was around you. You brought me to the all good restaurants. Chicken, chimdalk, beef, malatang, seaweed beef soup, nakksaesomething, fish something, blablabla. Everthing was good. You taught me your Korean culture with those-serves-other-people-while-you-serve-yourself. And I had fun when I put your spoon and chopstick, also poured you some water.

The trip was nice indeed. You accomplished all of my wishlist. When I told you I really want to go to Han River, you made me go there. As well as cycling around it, go to Noraebang, having a jimjillbang, go to Busan, and wear Hanbok. It was for a last day, we didn't even go to Gyeongbokgung, but you really made me wear the Hanbok.

Ahh, and for the Busan trip. Honestly I want to separate from your friends, because we ended up being together with three of your friends. And yeah, you granted my wish again. We made our trip separatedly, even you extend our stay by leaving on monday. You were super nice, did your best to make my trip went excellent.

Those warm water, cold soju, taylor swift playing all too well, while you wrapped your arms around my body. I knew that was too much for two person who didn't have a heart for each other. But I knew we just want to enjoy the moment. Because at some point, we knew that we couldn't make it anymore. Perhaps it could be our last chance. Perhaps we would never ever came back.

That was a quiet night. We barely talk. Just feel each other's body. There was no happiness nor sadness. I just felt the comfort coming from your breathe. Stress relieved. Something I wish I could asked for more.

Woke up for the sunrise, strolling out of the beach. Feeling the sands below our shoes. You finally told me something you really want to tell. You dated someone. Which, didn't surprise me at all. I just set a glimpse smile. I know it, I said. Told you, you were an open book. How come I didn't know?

I should get mad at this point, but I didn't. More or less, you became like this because of me. The other reason, I understand them just now. The dots finally connected. Your past, your background, your childhood, your family, all of those burdens and expectations. I couldn't ask you to be the regular man next door. It's not you. You must be very extra, which somehow hurts me even more.

I went home with the burden inside my chest. That was really unfair, that was really cruel. But the thing is, I cannot hate you. Not even a bit. There was a part when I mad at God. Why He made my heart this subtle? Can I just hate you for the rest of my life? Can I just walk away from you? Turning my head as if you didn't exist?

No.

God said to me, No.

I heard some wishpers, as if someone telling me to stay still. To hang in there. To be with you to the very end. Which now makes me understand what's role I am for you.

I will be your guidance. I will be your light. I will protect you. I will make sure everything goes right.

And I will stay.

Yes, I will stay. I won't leave you no matter what. Until finally you are able to walk within yourself again. Until finally you meet the person that matter most. I will be there. I won't go anywhere.

That's pretty much sums up everything. This is another chapter to enter: Unconditional Love.

[magenta-teal]

If it's meant to be, it will be

Mungkin karna lagi ramadhan, dan hari ini CoE aku keluar dari govern aussie, aku jadi agak mellow dan kemudian sedikit agak religius.

Pada akhirnya aku sadar konsep "if it's meant to be, it will be", itu beneran. Sebenernya aku dari dulu tau maksud dari kata-kata itu. Tapi untuk bener-bener memaknai dan mengilhami, rasanya baru sekarang. Tepat hari ini.

Aku sadar, yang emang buat aku, mau sejauh apapun itu, mau sesusah apapun itu, mau se absurd apapun itu, pasti bakalan buat aku pada akhirnya. Kebalikannya, yang bukan buat aku, mau seberapa keras aku mengupayakan dia buat aku, tetep gakan jadi buat aku. Istilahnya mau di engga-engga pun, kalo iya, ya iya. Dan mau di iya-iya pun, kalo engga, ya ngga.

Semuanya udah ada yang atur, semua udah ada yang tulis. Tinggal gimana kita, mau berusaha keras ngga ngejalanin itu semua. Dan pada akhirnya kalau usaha keras kita itu ngga terkabul, yakin bakalan ada hal baik di luaran itu. Sekarang aku percaya itu.

Bukan berarti dari dulu aku ngga percaya, tapi balik lagi, karna ini bulan ramadhan dan CoE aku keluar, aku bisa banget jadi religius. Well, CoE ini next step aku sebelum visa. Rasanya udah hampir 75% persiapan aku ke aussie. Gak kerasa kan?

Ada hari-hari dimana aku galau. Takut. Takut kalau yang aku jalanin nanti adalah kesalahan. Gimana kalo aku gak bisa ngikutin kelasnya? Gimana kalo aku gak survive? Gimana kalo aku homesick? Aku gak punya siapa-siapa kan?

Tapi balik lagi, ini yang selalu aku doain dan perjuangin. Ini goals yang udah aku pengenin sejak aku masih kecil. Dan yaudah, sekarang udah ada di depan mata, takdir yang aku mau itu, rasanya ngga semestinya aku galau untuk masalah gak penting kan? Tinggal jalanin aja dan berusaha sebaik mungkin. Ini kan selama ini yang aku mau?

Mungkin dalam takdir aku, aku emang harus ngelewatin fase ini. Sekolah lagi di negeri antah berantah. Sendirian gak ada siapa-siapa. Yah, dari dulu juga aku selalu sendirian. Sendirian lagi untuk dua tahun kedepan gak masalah bukan? Rasanya ngga ada bedanya.

Konsep rejeki, jodoh, hidup, mati, semua udah ada yang atur. Ngga seharusnya aku galau karna masalah itu bukan? Seperti kuliah ini. Karna emang udah jalannya, ya gakan kemana-mana. Meski aku harus jungkir balik dulu buat dapetinnya, perjalanannya harus panjang dan belok-belok dulu, pada akhirnya karna udah rejekinya, ya akan balik ke aku bukan?

Lucu banget kalo diinget. Kuliah di luar negeri pake beasiswa bukan hal yang gampang buat aku. Perjuangan aku bener-bener dari nol. Clueless, gatau apa-apa. Bahasa inggris seadanya, otak ya gitu-gitu aja. Tapi pada akhirnya ya terlewati juga. Kena tipu, nangis-nangis, stress jerawatan, semuanya selesai tuh? Bahkan di akhir aku merasa kaya masuk jalan tol. Bebas banget tanpa hambatan.

Sempet ada hari-hari galau, mikirin bisa berangkat atau ngga. Bahkan ketika aku udah dapet beasiswanya. Aku masih gak bisa tidur sampe jam 4 pagi. Cuma buat overthinking, "Nanti disana gimana ya?" Aku juga masih sempet kepikiran untuk banting setir ke UK. Belajar ielts lagi. Karna mikir aussie masih tutup border.

Tapi sebenernya, apa yang udah di takdirin buat kita, emang betul-betul buat kita. Dan aku merasa semua digampangin jalannya. Sampe di bulan desember tiba-tiba aussie bilang buka border. Sampe kemudian aku ngehubungin idp untuk mau submit univ. Sampe kemudian di akhir bulan desember LoA aku terbit. Lanjut aku PK, buat SP, buat LoG, dan akhirnya CoE aku terbit. Semua serba gampang. Semua serba mudah. Yap, karna aku yakin itu yang udah ditakdirin untuk kita, makanya digampangin.

Pakai konsep ini juga, rasanya aku gakan khawatir lagi sama percintaan aku. Lucu banget, aku yang 2 bulan lalu di bulan februari masih nangis-nangis gak jelas, sekarang udah lebih santai ngejalanin hidup. Rasanya kaya ngga ada beban. Lebih ikhlas dan pasrah aja gitu? Ngga ada lagi namanya overthinking malem-malem. Ngecek hp liat chat udah dibalas belum. Nungguin kapan di telpon. Rasanya udah ngga ada.

Well, karna balik lagi. Mau di engga-engga pun, kalo pada akhirnya iya, ya iya. Kebalikan, mau di iya-iya pun, kalo pada akhirnya engga, ya engga. Jadi buat apa di overthinking in kan?

Beberapa hari yang lalu aku obrolin ini sama ibu. Aku bilang sama ibu, kalau aku takut ibu judge aku yang ngga berusaha sama jodoh. Tapi kebalikan, ibu aku malah berpikir, aku yang seperti ini itu adalah usaha. Masih mengupayakan hubungan meski udah berkorban perasaan, menurut ibu adalah usaha. Dan yaudah, sisanya gimana yang di Atas. Jujur aku terharu banget, kaya, aku ini siapa deserve ibu sebaik dia? Mungkin aku dulu ikut perang di jaman nabi? Bisa jadi hahaha.

Di umur 27 tahun lebih 2 bulan ini, aku akan belajar jadi orang yang lebih ikhlas dan pasrah. Berusaha menjalani hari sesuai apapun yang sudah dituliskan dengan tetap memberikan yang terbaik. Aku sadar selama ini mungkin aku terlalu ngoyo, terlalu mendahului takdir-Nya yang bahkan belum terjadi. Salah besar aku langsung memutuskan apa yang terbaik dan tidak baik menurut aku, ketika harusnya aku tahu yang keputusan Dia-lah yang terbaik. Aku terlalu berprasangka, tanpa melihat dari kacamata yang luas.

Well, tapi selalu ada kesempatan untuk berubah. Mungkin umur 24-26 aku, itu aku lagi ngebadut aja. Kurang siraman rohani, yang bikin aku kurang iman. Tapi insyaallah, di hari-hari aku kedepan, aku bakalan lebih ikhlas dan pasrah. Lebih let it flow, dan lebih percaya lagi, apa yang udah di takdirkan untuk kita, gakan kemana-mana.

Barusan aku baca komik yang dialognya keren banget. Katanya, saking sayangnya Tuhan sama kita, Dia punya berbagai macam cara biar kita deket lagi sama Dia. Yaah, untuk kasus aku, ujian perasaan. Aku gak bener-bener sadar aku sedang di uji. Sampai suatu pagi aku kebangun, dan sadar aku sedang dapet ujian perasaan. 3 tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar untuk jalanin ujian perasaan ini. Tapi aku bersyukur, akhirnya aku nemuin juga jalan keluarnya. Dengan yaudah, sadar aja kalau kita emang sedang diuji.

Btw jadi ngelantur wkwk. Semoga kedepannya aku bisa pertahanin 'aku' yang sekarang. Aku yang lebih enjoy jalanin hidup, lebih pasrah, lebih happy, lebih ikhlas. Mungkin ngga banyak berubah aku yang sekarang ini, tapi aku yang menjadi lebih baik, itu aja udah lebih dari cukup.

[magenta-teal]

My 27s

You called me on my birthday with your tired face. I said you must having a rough day as i saw your wrinkles were starting to show. Even though, you are having your best time anyway. Study goes well, good friends, your upcoming internship, or (perhaps) your new awaiting job.

I tought we are parting slowly, giving an opposite direction, we begin to grow apart. With the exhausted looks in your eyes, you told me to come, you know i want it badly, but i don't think i can. No. Not today.

Thats when i started to resonance your energy. Somehow, i can feel what you feel without much saying. I know it with just looking straight at your eyes. Enjoyment, depleted, but reluctant. You showed me just enough.

You know what? Even the universe gives me a second or third chance, i will still choose you. Because you are the best that ever happened in my life. My eternal lesson, my enlightenment, the one who stay. It was never wrong. And i'm forever grateful that i met you.

And after forty minutes of call, this is what i got from you in my 27s: You taught me how to take care of others; How to always give without demand back; How to love unconditionally.

Meeting you was a blessed and disaster at the same time. You screwed up my heart, yet gave me an extremely joyous feeling. Sometimes, i could lose track in my own mind, wandering without having a constant place to stay. Yet, i really love wandering around. Curious about thinking what's next, looking forward about anything in life.

It's you who give me this odd feeling.

It cant be anyone but you.

Thank you...