magicalsliceofpie

[magicalsliceofpie]

6/26/25

I am doing that thing again where I get really determined to change my life. Something feels different this time but it also always feels different.

Will I actually commit to getting better? I really want to get better

It doesn't make any sense. How do I love you so much? Will I ever be able to breathe again? Maybe I can cause trouble, just once.

[magicalsliceofpie]

6/12/25

I went out with a group of people. They were all like me. I never thought I would meet people like me. I feel like they will all learn that I am a bad person and they won't want to talk to me anymore. I haven't done anything against them yet but I always do something to ruin a good thing. I am so worried that I will say or do the wrong thing and they will hate me for it. What if I make everyone uncomfortable and they leave? I am still trying to be good. I did a good job socializing with everyone but I still don't feel good enough. I will never be good enough.

I miss my dog.

[magicalsliceofpie]

Wind and Trees

A 2003 Toyota Corolla drives down a woodland road. The fresh forest air pushes its way through the opened windows. The force of it would be suffocating but tonight it keeps the lone driver awake. Soothing sounds of tires rolling on dirt threaten to lull them back to sleep. "Do not turn on the radio" they think to themselves. Music would only be a distraction. They think to themselves a lot but lately the thoughts have not been coming together. Usually they swirl like a pot of soup. Each ingredient seemingly having nothing to do with each other but when stirred together make one clear recipe.

For the past few weeks the thoughts have been like leaves shaking in a canopy of trees. Some thoughts fall away at the smallest movement while other hang on for dear life. Some thoughts group together on the strongest branch while others are alone on an isolated twig. It is difficult to see how many trees are attached to the shaking branches. They all seem to move as one but none are connected to each other.

The car jolts. The driver shakes their head to keep their thoughts from slipping again. The only thing more soothing than the subtle sounds of tires is a daydream of swaying trees. They lean their head slightly towards the window and take a deep breath in. Hopefully, the cold air will force its way through their body to keep them awake a little longer. Just a little longer now. Just down this road.

The car jolts once more. The driver grunts in frustration and claws at their leg. The small pain of nails against skin keep them awake but it's not a permanent solution. "Can I just pull over and rest? Why am I so determined to keep going? This is so stupid. If I get hurt it will be my fault. It's so stupid." The frustration distracts them from their sleepy state as they roll into the small clearing along the side of the road. A sign reads, "roll-out site 9, no hookups, stay on path". They made it to their campsite at last.

Now frustrated they thrust themselves out of the car and fling open the trunk. The metal makes a crunching noise and the camper's eyes widen for a brief moment. "Jesus Christ get a hold of yourself. You're acting like a baby. You're going to break something and then what? Just take a moment to breathe. Just breathe," their breath slows down as they stare blankly into the back of the car. Their eyes focus and un-focus themselves. Their jaw un-clenches. Their fists un-furl.

In the trunk of the car is a pile of blankets, a cooler, mosquito net, camping chair, USB fan, flashlight, sketch book, extra phone batteries, and a hunting knife. They pull out the cooler and chair. They set them down nice and gently. Carefully, pull out the mosquito net and attach it to the open trunk of the car. Then to the bumper. Check the seal all around the open part. Carefully making sure the magnet is connected on all sides to the car.

Opening the back door, they slowly put down the car seats, unwrap the blanket and make a nice bed. The trunk is not big enough to sleep in normally, but with it open and the seats down it should work. They close the back door and settle in. "See, nice and gentle. That wasn't so hard was it?," they think as they turn on the flashlight and plug in their phone.

They awake up to cold air pecking at their face. A nice deep breath in wakes them up enough to start their day. They pull out a ham sandwich from the cooler and a bottle of water. Sitting in their camping chair and resting their feet on the cooler. A nice deep breath in with their face turned up towards the canopy.

The leaves sway chaotically in the wind. Not a single tree seems to be moving in the same direction. Not a single leaf seems to be moving with a group.

It's strange that no leaves seem to be falling in such strong wind. The wind beings to die down and the leaves trickle down the branches and land softly. They were waiting for things to settle before finally falling to the ground.

The birds begin chirping. They too were waiting for their chance as the wind would've drowned out their calls. What use would chirping be then? Now with no wind they can fill the forest with their song.

A lone squirrel runs down the tree to begin its scavenging. The moving branches would've been hard to navigate. What use would climbing down be if it were to fall? Now with everything still, it can safely make its way down.

The camper finishes their food. A lump sits in their throat. Their eyes un-focus once more as a single tear rolls down their cheek. Then another and another. Their vision is blocked by their eyes watering over. Their voice is blocked by the pressure in their throat. They push out a cry and fall forward. Sinking down on their hands and knees, clinging to the dirt as the tears keep rolling. Sobbing, coughing, crying, sobbing, coughing, and crying. It keeps going until it just, stops.

They take a deep breath in. The wind starts again.

[magicalsliceofpie]

6/11/25

I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about a lot of things. I would say that I am currently in a good mood. But it also feels like something is clawing its way out of my soul. I don't know if this is a good thing or if I will look back in horror.

I know that change is necessary and scary. Safe to say I am scared because I am finally stepping out of my comfort zone. I feel like I am leaving my security blanket and it is leaving me vulnerable. I have not been vulnerable in my real life in a long time. For the first time in my life I actually feel like an adult and I am letting go of my childhood. I still honor my childhood for what it taught me and I still live by those values today. One of those values is to stay kind to the vulnerable.

I am now the vulnerable, and I must remember to stay kind to myself.

[magicalsliceofpie]

5/16/25

I am so stressed out. I have finished so much and I am very proud of myself but I just feel stress. I'm so tired.

[magicalsliceofpie]

5/12/25

Today was a good day. It was a very slow start but it got better after I went to work. I like working. My work is very fulfilling to me. After work I got home and made dinner. I also did some homework. I didn't finish every assignment but I finished enough to keep my grade the same. I even went grocery shopping and started to plan some easy meals. It was nice. I feel okay.

[magicalsliceofpie]

5/10/25

I am barely starting on my journey of self improvement. I spent a long time wallowing in my own self pity. I am trying to not do that anymore. There were a lot of toxic things I did to the people I love. I do not know why I did those things but I know where they came from. They came from a place of self doubt and the fear of rejection. I am trying to learn to be comfortable in myself. I am creating more. Creating things makes me confident in my skills and improves my self worth. My fear of rejection is already getting worked on as I have been rejected a lot lately. I think that this is okay though. I am not a good person but I am starting to change.

[magicalsliceofpie]

My Ocean I am a sailor I stand tall over my wooden vessel I stand tall over you, my ocean Your waters are cool But when I drink, I spit you out I am not nourished by you, my ocean I spend my life on your surface I spend my hours searching for land I set my sails away from you daily, my ocean Your waters are fast But when my ship rocks, I go back to port I am not amused by you, my ocean I found a new island I will leave my ship here I will leave you forever, my ocean Your waters rain down But when the winds blow, I shut myself away I am not noticing you, my ocean I have become bored of hiding I have become sick of this new home I wish to stand over you, my ocean Your waters rise quickly But when it sinks my island, I swim closer I am not scared of you, my ocean I open my arms wide I want to be with you again I want to be your sailor, my ocean Your waters fill my lungs But when it burns, I swallow harder I am not going to leave you, my ocean I never wanted to be beneath your waves I never wanted to be beneath you I will be one with your waters, my ocean

[magicalsliceofpie]

3/29/2025

The old me is dead. I no longer think that I am a good person. Good people don't act the way I acted. I still have a hard time admitting to myself what I have done but the constant reminders keep me in check. I am no longer hopeless because now I have something to work towards. I want to be a good person again. I have had the urge to create lately. I made some nice drawings and now I am on this blog. I re-read a short story I wrote in high school and it made me want to write. I have also been starting to write poetry here and there.

I do not think I deserve forgiveness but hopefully the new person I become will.

[magicalsliceofpie]

1/31/2025

I've been feeling better. I still struggle with hopelessness but it takes up less and less of my day. I am currently in a certification program so I can get a better paying job. I am also working at the same time.

I thought I would be overwhelmed but I'm doing great. I have been sick for the past 3 days and the past me would've called out. The past me would've quit and blamed it on my stomach problems. But current me is just checking my temperature, putting on a mask, and going to work. My self esteem has been improving. I feel strong and capable. I am not perfect and I know that I never will be, but I am doing my best.

I still have goals I want to hit. I want to stay consistent with the routine I have made. I want to build muscle. I want to be more outgoing. So far I have been keeping up. I have missed days of my routine and workouts, but I find myself jumping back on without much of a fuss.

I didn't think I would be this happy. I still get sad and scared, but I am happy.

[magicalsliceofpie]

7/18/24

Why do I feel guilty for not grieving properly? Why do I feel wrong for healing and moving on? Every time I feel at piece with her passing I feel like I have not felt the pain of losing her long enough. I promise that I loved her and I promise that I miss her. Why is it so hard moving on?

[magicalsliceofpie]

6/5/24

There isn't much I want to say but writing things down has been helping me mentally. I was always told to journal to help with my anxiety but it is very difficult for me to be sincere. In other terms, I find it very cringe.

Right now, I miss my dog. I was re-reading my update post and I feel like I didn't focus enough on her. I was just thinking of all the things I had been through with her there but not her.

She was a great dog. She was very cuddly but would tell you when she had enough. She was a shaky and bitty dog. She didn't bite anyone until she got older though so I think that was mostly old age. She was always scared of people but its because she was only 3 pounds and people can be overwhelming for an animal that small. Whenever there was people around, she would always be held by someone she trusted to keep her calm.

She loved to chase little kids around and bark at them. She always thought she was bigger than a horse. It was so funny how she would just bark at people. It was like she was telling you off. She would always give warning bites to my grandma's dogs when they invaded her space (like stepping on her, not just being near her). She maintained her personality even when she was passing away. My grandma's dogs had come to sniff her and check on her and they got to close and she gave her last warning bite. I wasn't there but that's so true to her personality, I'm not surprised that's how she went out.

Whenever I was crying in bed she would come up to me and push her head into my face. She would also do this when she wanted attention. A lot of the videos I have of her was her laying on me with her whole body pushing on me. She would demand pets by quietly barking at you. I'm going to miss her little demanding barks.

We called her the queen because she would always be telling us and the dogs what to do despite being the smallest living thing in the house. In her older age she had a spot on the couch on top of a pillow. When I wanted to go to bed I would have to pry her off of her spot and she would bite at me. It was shocking to me when she first did this because she had never behaved that way before. This is how I knew my time with her was ending. I was barely getting good at quickly grabbing her before she could bite me when she passed away. It was like a game because as soon as she was in my arms she would be docile and loving. I thought it was annoying but now I miss it.

This first picture is the first day I got her. She was so skinny and she looks so sad.

Then here is her from 2 years ago. I have a more recent picture of her a couple months before she passed away but it only shows her head peaking out of a blanket. So I chose this one because is shows more of her.

I still miss her so much. Every night without her is so difficult.

[magicalsliceofpie]

An Update

So many things in my personal life have changed since the last time I posted and when that happens it feels like I'm getting whiplash. I stopped keeping up with my routine and blog a bit ago because of finals. Then a week after finals ended, my childhood dog passed away. I am still devastated but the peak of my mourning has come to pass.

My dog was the only routine I had. When I couldn't leave my bed, my dog was there. When I didn't take care of myself, my dog was there. And when I was having panic attacks that kept me from sleeping, my dog was there. She never slowed down. She maintained her personality and activity till the very end. I was not with her when she passed but I live with family so she wasn't alone. I have no regrets about her passing as she was estimated to be 14 years old (rescue) when she passed away and she lived a full life.

I only regret how I took care of her. I got her right before I was going to go into 5th grade. I had been perfect all summer and so my mom said that I could get a dog that was smaller than our current dog. Looking back, I think my mom set me up because our dog at the time was only five pounds. Of course, I was a kid so I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find a full grown dog under five pounds. But the very first rescue shelter we went to had just gotten a pair of tea cup chihuahuas who were rescued from a kill-shelter. The dogs where about to be put down because of biting and aggression.

I asked if I could see the female of the pair and they held her over the counter for me to see. She was estimated to be 3 years old. She was a thin, shaky mess. I didn't see any aggression in her and I wanted her. They put us in the trial living room to see if we would be a good fit. When they let her go into the room the first thing she did was run under the couch. I remember being completely in love, looking at her shaking under the couch. She didn't bark, growl, or nip at me as I stared. The shelter worked pulled her out and placed her on my lap. She stood straight up but stayed still. From then on, she was my dog. I told my mom that I wanted to sign as her owner and I named her myself.

Years later when I was 17-18 our big new puppy stepped on her and scratched her eye. I had just come home from class with my friend (future boyfriend), and we were the first ones home. I saw her eye all bruised and swollen and I freaked out. I told my friend to call my mom, while I took pictures and sent them too her. I had no clue what to do but I knew I had to get to the vet. The only response my mom had was "I'm not paying for that, she's your dog". Because I had signed my name as her owner my mom was not going to pay for her vet care.

I remember being shocked because that was not an expectation in my house. My mom was quite wealthy at the time and never had my older brother pay for anything (even gave him a $200 allowance). But as soon as a got a job I was expected to pay for my clothes, gas, and college. I had paid for everything since I got a job but my dogs care has always been shared between me and my mom. I remember sitting in the vets office mad about my situation and my mom's ever changing rules about my responsibilities, and scared that my dog would lose an eye. My friend stayed with me the whole time. My dog barely knew what was happening, she was just enjoying the attention. I remember when they gave me the bill for $350 which was more than my paycheck. I paid for it but I asked my mom for just $150. She said no. Thankfully, the rest of my family found this completely ridiculous and paid me some money to help cover the bill.

I mention this story because a couple months later my mom kicked me out. It was so sudden and I was only able to pack a suit case in between her screaming at me. My grandparents had come because I called them during the fight and they were scared my mom was going to hurt me (she didn't because my stepdad held her back). I couldn't take my dog because we were all trying to get out of there as fast as we could. All I could think about was rescuing my dog (and getting the rest of my stuff). A day or two later I returned home while my parents were at work and I grabbed my dog. She had no clue what was happening. I don't think either of us realized that that would be the last time either of us saw that house ever again.

Since that night it felt like it was just me and her. A girl and her dog. She had always been my constant. Fifth grade was the worst year of my life mentally. It was the only time of my life that I was suicidal. Even through that, my dog was there. When I got kicked out of my house I would shake from just the thought of seeing my mom but I went back so that I could have my dog again. I don't have many memories of life before my dog. When I look back at any memory now I just remember that she was there waiting for me back home.

I said earlier that I only regretted how I took care of her. When I got kicked out I didn't know how to take care of myself or my dog. Since then she had only gone on one walk, and her teeth had only been brushed a handful of times (less than 6). And even then, the walk she went on was a couple weeks before her passing because my boyfriend suggested it. Also a couple of weeks before her passing, I finally bought her tooth wipes and had barely started remembering to clip her nails before they got too long. I hadn't gotten into the routine of caring for her yet. I had barely started this journey of caring for myself in April and she passed in May. I was barely starting to change. And it was too late. She passed away of heart failure. She was a 14 year old tea cup chihuahua with a heart murmur so it's not entirely my fault. And she did get daily exercise in the large backyard we have. But, I still can't stop thinking about what a horrible owner I was.

I should've been more active in her care. I should've taken her on at least weekly walks. She deserved better than me. She deserved a better owner than a twenty something who barely knew what she was doing.

So, I'm trying to be better. I have been working out everyday for almost 5 days straight now. I have been keeping up with everything in my routine. They only time I slipped up was when I didn't do one night routine because I was too tired. But I was too tired because I did a full day of exercise. This is the healthiest and the most routine I've ever been. Every time I wanna quit I think of her. I think of how she would've had a better life if I had just taken more steps. If I had just committed to being better. I want another dog in the future, and I want to be a better owner for my next dog. I don't know when I will get my next dog. Likely years in the future. When I do, I'm going to be the owner that Rennie should've had.

I'll miss you forever Rennie.

[magicalsliceofpie]

Day 23

Wow today was amazing. I didn't do my routine or workout but I finished all my makeup work! I did so much and I managed to pull it off! For breakfast I ate scrambled eggs and I had a little ice cream bar too. I also had coffee. For lunch I had rice. For dinner I had a tuna sandwich and a leftover hashbrown. I had a mini cake for dessert to celebrate finishing everything. I still have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow but the worst is over. I want to start my goal streak up tomorrow. I want to workout and do a full morning routine tomorrow.

I still can't believe that I am done. Tomorrow is going to be great.

[magicalsliceofpie]

Day 22

I didn't workout today. I did do a complete morning routine which was very nice. I ate scrambled eggs and a prune for breakfast. I also had a peanut butter and banana smoothie. I love that smoothie because its relatively healthy and it tastes like dessert. For lunch I had rice and chicken soup. I skipped dinner because I was so exhausted I just went to sleep after school and work. I am very happy with myself today. I had to do a lot of makeup work and I managed to do that plus my already busy schedule. I didn't study for my makeup test I have tomorrow so I will have to wake up incredibly early to cram for that. I want to start working out again but I need to finish all my makeup work before I cram that into my schedule.

[magicalsliceofpie]

Day 21

I didn't work out today. I didn't really do a routine in the morning (I brushed my hair and teeth but that's it). But I did eat decently. For breakfast I had 2 sausages, 1 hashbrown, a prune, and one pop tart (yes only one). I made myself a matcha latte to wake myself up. I had lasagna and a brownie for lunch. I also had a hotlink hotdog for dinner with a beer.

All I did today was catchup work and I basically finished everything. The only thing I have left to do is study for the test I need to schedule. I did want to end the day properly so I took a nice shower and did a full bedtime routine. It doesn't makeup for skipping my morning routine but it did make me feel like I accomplished something.

I have an incredibly busy day tomorrow so I hope that I am able to hit all of my goals. I hope I set myself up for success today.

[magicalsliceofpie]

Day 14-20

I got the flu and it sucked ass. I didn't keep up with my food log, exercise, or routine. I mostly did catchup work for my courses. I did feel relieved that my health problems was just the flu and not another thing I need to get blood drawn for. This has happened to me before. I have set goals then after a bit I will drop them. Day 18 has passed and I have established no new habits, no new diet, and I'm even more behind in my courses and work.

Normally I would quit here. But this time is different. I am not going to quit. I am going to start back up tomorrow and try my best. I will still be sick tomorrow but I want to finish up my catchup work and try to get back on routine.

My goals are to workout, eat healthy, and establish a full hygiene routine everyday for 18 days in a row.