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magicalslug · 5 days ago

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so like WHATEVER, WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHAT IF I LOST THE WILL TO LIVE

WHO CARES!!!!!!! I'M HAVING A FABULOUS TIME ANYWAY

I've lost myself to impulsive purchases and overeating and refusing myself the need to cry

WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to a therapist for 2 months and you know what happened?!?!? SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY TRAUMA

THEN BLAMED MEEEEEEEEEE FOR NOT OPENING UP FOR HER

FUCK1}}}}}}}}}}}

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO QUESTION ME ABOUT IT

"Well you see, we don't seek to revictimize people" WELL HOW ABOUT YOU ASK QUESTIONS AND BACK OFF WHEN I TELL YOU I DON'T WANNA ANSWER SOME THINGS. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY TO GET ME TO TALK!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TALK!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm blaming her because

It hurts

It hurts to once more realize I'm the one in the wrong.

I went to the therapist. And at first I was like "can we talk about my trauma. can we please explore my childhood trauma that has root in the horrific abuse i suffered/suffer actively even now"

And she was like

"well first we need to focus on your present, not stay stuck in your past" FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT IM FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SILENT ABOUT IT I AM BROKEN AND I WAS HURT AND I AM HURT AND I WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE PERSON EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LACK SOMETHING OTHER PEOPLE HAVE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS TAKEN FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ABOUT YOU SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

She didn't make it a secret that she kinda avoided talking about my childhood trauma because she wasn't an expert in it and she had to investigate more. to deal with my trauma.

Except that for most of my sessions she would suggest an exercise. And I would go "I don't think it's working for me, this whole "talk to the inner child" thing. Because I don't manage to get into this make believe space. I can't even separate the inner child from who i am now. It's me. It's always just been me. It feels like I'm fooling myself"

and she would go "well how about u try at home anyway :)"

And like i get it. She didn't know how to handle my trauma.

But the exercises were so. Basic? The exercises made to know yourself.

I know myself. I know exactly what's wrong with me, and to a degree, how to fix them. But also I'm too inside my head and I'm anxious AND I DON'T WANNA BE MEDICATED!!!!!!!!! IM SCARED OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE PILLS WILL KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(No, they won't. I'm just scared of becoming dependent or being unable to afford them in the future. Also, why bother with medicine when the issue at hand is just my abusive environment and not... Not really my mental illness. Like, don't get me wrong, it is an issue.)

(But when I was far away from here, I was stable and happy and flourished)

(and now i just actively think about. That. so much)

Also.

Also. well SHE never tried to get me to talk about my trauma. I guess in words, i'd say she didn't make a space for me to be able to talk about it?

And then my sessions ended.

And I told her, as feedback, "hey i feel like i was never given the space to explore my childhood trauma, to be able to openly talk about it, and that just made me feel like my worst fears were true: that what happened to me was too shameful and horrific that no one wants to hear it. that i'm tainted and don't deserve to speak about it"

And then she kinda chastised me for never opening up to her because i never asked to talk about it.

I just.

I had to sit there and take it and nod and pretend I didn't want to yell and scream that I'M TOO POWERLESS, TOO WEAK. I need the permission. I need the permission to talk about it. IM CURSED IM CURSED AND I NEED THE PERMISSION, LIKE SOMEONE THAT ONLY KNOWS HOW TO FOLLOW ORDERS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I AM SO USED TO BE CONTROLLED AND SILENCED, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i just nodded and went "yeah okay." and shut up for 20 minutes while she wrote notes on her file silently.

Anyway.

Therapy wasn't great.

Not... Not what I hoped?

Between the previous "someone saying they loved me for months only to turn out it was all a joke" incident and this i just

what the fuck, hm?

So what are we playing at??

Just.

Worst nightmares made real and now what? what am i fucking left with???

Lessons learned:

I'm unlovable and there's something inherently wrong with me which makes me unlovable, and it's something everyone can see and I can never truly understand

It's true, I'm too broken, and I am beyond fixing, and I will never be able to change. In fact, my problems are so big that even professionals won't touch them with a ten mile pole. Shit life syndrome, probably.

Was I a bad patient? Probably.

I was bad. I was bad. I was bad. I didn't try hard enough with the exercises.

I didn't wanna talk to the inner child.

she kept saying "you're such a strong woman, this is why you've survived"

i hate that

i hated hearing that so much

I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I AM WEAK. I AM PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IM NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!

she said it each time

"Your inner child has been saved each time by you, because you've been such a strong woman that has been strong all along!" FUCKING, GENERIC, DIALOGUE.

you say this TO EVERYONE!!!!!!! THEY SAY THIS TO EVERY SURVIVOR!!!!!!

AND IM NOT STRONG, IM WEAK AND I WANT TO []

IM NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!! THAT'S

THAT'S INHERENTLY PART OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

I EXPERIENCE STRONG DYSPHORIA AND I DON'T LIKE MYSELF!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!! THEY TOOK A PART OF ME AND NOW I WILL FOREVER BE INCOMPLETE AND THIS MAKES ME NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm

I'm barely even a person anymore.

...

I'm being so mean. whatever.

I told her I wrote a lot about my feelings, that it was one of the few outlets i had to express myself and vent about my worst moments.

She just acknowledged it in a "well that's good, it's nice you have that" and we never spoke of it ever again.

didn't ask to know more about it.

And.

I don't know what I expected.

I guess hollywood truly rots your brain.

I expected a therapist that would ask me questions, and by asking questions would force me to finally verbalize these things I keep inside myself.

I was ready to answer questions.

Instead she just. talked and talked and occasionally asked me surface things. Which is fair i guess.

Make no mistake, she also didn't make it a secret that apparently she wasn't given enough resources to treat her patients. Like, it was kinda raggedy in the sense that she couldn't even get the printer to work most of the time because she had 2 pesos and a dream as budget.

Anyway.

That ended.

And she went "I wanna thank you because I learned so much from this experience"

Fucking hell. Shut the hell up. You didn't even learn I wasn't a woman.

Fuck, we didn't even get to mention I was gay.

She didn't learn shit from me.

So that hurt.

It felt like a last slap to the face.

I'm glad i was a cute little failed experiment.

But what did i fucking get from this???? I got to go home to cry because no one will come to save me????

And I'm truly, so so truly, alone?

I know. I know it was my fault. I had too high expectations. Perhaps I didn't give it my all.

But im so fucking depressed that doing most things made me feel so tired.

I don't wanna talk to my inner child. Because they're dead. They killed it, they killed it and something broken and weird took their place.

And that is who I am today.

And my thoughts? My written thoughts are all sad and violent and alarming. Disgusting.

And...

And i'm so tired all the time that I couldn't even watch the movies she recommended in full. Had to watch resumes. Because where would i get the time?

It's my fault this didn't work.

It's my fault.

"You have to let go of your guilt" I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!! I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW IM NOT FUCKING GUILTY!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOW IM THE ONLY ONE LEFT FEELING DIRTY AND GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that guilt? Is that guilt? Or just an understandable reaction given how life has treated me like i'm a gross freak?

And make no mistake

I am a gross freak

But i feel that's secondary from how life has treated me. Society i guess.

I'm barely a person, I'm more vermin than anything.

I will never be anything more than this.

And i hate my job.

i hate it.

...

A guy killed himself, a guy i worked with once. We weren't even close.

But we talked, a few times. Briefly.

He was friendly.

Anyway. That was a week ago.

The company didn't even really acknowledge it in a "we're sorry about our dear teammate" way.

Nothing. Crickets. And I'm expected to deal with the questions my team members have about it because I'm the team lead.

I'm expected to deal with it. Even though now i can't stop thinking.

This fucking company that i hate. Will not even say my name. When I die for it.

This job will kill me and no one will ever care about it.

....

I miss my friends. I can't even talk to them nowadays because I'm so busy and so tired,

I don't know why i even bother. with it all.

It makes no sense to me anymore.

The money is good. The money is good.

But i keep buying stupid shit i don't need.

Because I'm looking for a reason to stay working there.

Even though it makes me miserable.

...

I keep applying to things. And they won't reply.

I'm over qualified for the things I apply to.

They won't call me.

they won't call me.

....

I miss my friends.

I miss not being wholly depressed. I miss when i was managing it. I miss when i thought i was... able to Control it.

Not like now.

....

...

A guy I barely knew killed himself and I can't stop thinking about it.

A girl I work with said "He was tired. Now I'm glad he's not suffering anymore"

I don't wanna suffer anymore.

....

...

I need to quit. I'm too miserable where i am and frankly, i don't know what i'm aiming for by staying at that job.

My senior manager gives us advice like "when you get to my position--" and i check out.

Because i don't want his role. his job seems even more miserable.

So like. what am i doing there, if i don't even care to grow and frankly i'm only there for the paycheck.

The office could burn and i would not care at all.

....

I'm tired, and I'm frustrated, and I'm sad.

But...

But I will not give up so easily on life.

There's art i want to make.

There's things I want to write.

I wanna make art.

Love never saved anybody. Art never saved anybody.

But I wanna make art.

Because it's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.

The only thing that gives my life meaning.

.....

I will quit soon.

I'm not afraid of the backlash.

Because nothing will be as horrible as getting up everyday and feeling like an empty husk, being puppeteered around by inertia.

...

I will quit soon.

I'm afraid.

I'm weak.

But even a weak thing like me, a coward like me, can hit the bricks.

You can quit.

You're allowed to quit!!!

You're allowed to be a failure!!!

It's not the worst thing!!!!

And

And you can always move forward

It's never too late for that

(But it will be too late if you don't escape) (I know you want to escape from it all)

(But small steps. yeah?)

(It's okay, i'll love you anyway)

(As long as you're happy, I'll love you)

(no matter what, I'll love you)

#v ent ///#this su cks i'll dele te it

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magicalslug · 1 month ago

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I hope i die

i hope i die and nobody remembers me

i hope i die

I AM FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVABLE

why would you make me this way

I AM BROKEN

i am missing something everyone else has

I AM BROKEN

i am useless

i am nobody to everyone

the world is better of without me

THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME

i am WEAK, I AM NOT BRAVE JUST FOR SURVIVING

i am a plague onto humanity

i am unlovable

i am made to be forgotten

NO ONE WILL EVER CHOOSE ME

no one will ever love me

what is there to love

when i am the biggest fuck up of this planet

what is there to look forward to

just more

of this

senseless

torture

NO ONE WILL EVER STAY FOR ME

STOP LYING TO ME

no one LOVES ME

STOP LYING TO ME

STOP FUCKING SAYING YOU CARE ABOUT ME, THAT YOU LOVE ME, THAT I'M YOUR FRIEND

FRIENDS DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friends don't leave me behind

friends don't

friends don't make me feel like I'm better off forgotten

I'm sad and alone and

and that's all i will ever be

That's all i could ever be

That's all I was meant to be

I have nothing worth living for

they all hate me

I was made to be used and abused

And thrown away

I'm sorry I

I love my friends

but i know they could never love me.

they could never save me

they could never love me inconditionally

because what is there to love

but a fuck up. a pathetic mess mascarading as a person.

disgusting freak of nature

too useless for anyone to even use and abuse anymore

i want it to hurt

i want to hurt

i need to be hurt

and then maybe. this emptiness will be justified.

LEAVE ME LEAVE ME LEAVE ME I DON'T DESERVE LOVE

that's why

i will never have it

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magicalslug · 6 months ago

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oof glad i remembered love is real but not for me after sending that message, glad i didn't destroy an important friendship just over being insane

i can't keep falling for people that don't want me. I don't care that they don't want me, idc what their reasons are for not wanting me because that's not important.

The issue lies with me and with how I keep asking the universe to send me someone that wants me for me and it keeps responding with "you can have a friend :) a very good one even"

And it's.

It's a bit sad to not be able to fully appreciate it.

I doesn't help that (society??????) puts so much weight on romantic relationships.

I love my friends.

But I want someone that wants me, every part of me. That doesn't find my love disgusting.

I want to know I'm not broken goods.

I want to know I'm good enough.

I want someone to want my love. To hold me and tell me they're the best thing that's ever happened to them.

Only then will I know I was good for something. Only then will life will feel worth living.

...But that's the bpd talking isn't it.

I was broken and then cursed to never be loved the way I want to be loved, that's just the way the story goes.

...It shouldn't be a bad thing.

I have my friends, and that should be enough.

I've been extra sad lately. Work fucking sucks and each day I feel less human for it.

It's been doing weird things to my brain.

My brain which is already very fragile by the way.

But the moment I snap i'll lose everything.

I have to keep going or I'll drown. The thing is, I'll drown anyway.

I want an out. But there is none. This is just what life is. Feeling hopeless every day and trying to soothe it away with distractions.

...No. I want to say that's not true. But it was easier to argue that when the work wasn't as dehumanizing and my friends lived so much closer.

I miss my friends so much. I miss feeling free and happy and like I could be myself.

What was this rant about anyway? Ah yes.

The void that can never be filled in my heart. Many such cases.

Well, now this is enough about that. Time to shut up and use my limited time on Earth on better things.xsd

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magicalslug · 8 months ago

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Life update

...Because those are always fun.

In yet another thinly veiled attempt at writing something that's totally not a vent, you get to hear what I'm up to today.

I'm planning an itinerary for ~a trip to NYC~

(this stays between us bcus this is a V1SA requirement but i aint planning on THAT. I just need it to make any plane trip to canada cheaper instead of direct. bcus apparently your plane landing in usa for even a microsecond requires you to have a v1sa for that. SO fun)

Anyway. Of course it has to be believable. And idk maybe one day it'll be real bcus you know, I do want to watch a broadw ay play LIVE someday.

So I had to do a little research and watch some videos because i had no idea what to put down on it other than "watch musical at 7pm" on it.

And i watched some guys videos about "nyc tips! best places to go! best locations! dont do this here! dont miss this!" type of things.

And the more i watch the more.

Sad? I get?

Traveling abroad is so expensive. Traveling at all is a luxury.

I... I will never live the kind of life that lets me throw money into the fire like that. To travel all over. To enjoy that type of vacations.

Because (and this is the part where i wonder if this isn't just because my brain has been in a terrible state lately) traveling for vacations is kind of a waste right? We all think that? We're all disillusioned by prospect of being away from the worries of your daily life for 3-4 days and then coming back to your nightmare again to live it until the next time you can afford the Momentary escape? Yeah? We're all on the same page?

(What do you mean it's just me?)

It's just.

I've been so sad lately.

"ignoring your friends because it's all too much" type of sadness. "sleeping it off almost daily because it's all too much" type of sadness. "having The Thoughts again almost every day again" type of Sadness.

And it feels like nothing will ever make it better.

And i keep thinking that I know why. I know why i'm feeling like this. But it feels like deflecting the blame.

It feels like i'm lying.

But it must be because I'm back living in the place I wanted to escape from, that i got a momentary escape from it, and now that i'm back it feels like.

Like I was right.

That I will never be free.

And time is running out to escape from it.

And I'm losing anything that made me happy. That made it worth it.

I don't have my freedom. My peace of mind. My art! I can't do art anymore! The friends I had made are now too far away! And the friends I have here are so far away I can't even visit easily!

And I'm so fucking tired and angry and sad all the time!

And stuck living with someone that I hate. And that hates me back.

And guess what!!!! We ALL HAVE PROBLEMS!!!

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE LIVING IN HELL!!! YOU COMFORTABLE LITTLE POSH THING!!!! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SORRY LITTLE THING!!!! PATHETIC!!! MEDIOCRE!!!!! STOP FUCKING CRYING !!!!

i DON'T LIKE IT WHEN IM MEAN. BUT NOW IM MEAN ALL THE TIME.

I'm.

I undid so much work in just a few months.

I wanted to live. I really wanted to live. Did you know? I kept calling myself immortal. I kept saying it to friends. I kept going "oh duh, I will never die so jot that down" and i don't think anyone ever asked me why I kept insisting on it.

But it's because it was a comforting thought, a clutch to hold onto. I will never die, so it'd be pointless to be s uicidal. A grandiose claim to train my brain into not wanting to die anymore.

(And though it wasn't the only thing that helped-- It worked. It had worked.)

And reclaiming my life had felt so easy. When I wasn't stuck living with my abuser.

But now I'm back here again. And I hate my job that sucks the life out of me. And I hate where I live because it's just a constant loop of being dehumanized while trying to play nice with the hand that feeds and chokes at the same time. And i hate myself most of all for being so weak.

So weak for it all.

Living my life should be easy. Someone else would not crumble under things so easy to live through. Someone else would be able to defend themselves. SOMEONE ELSE WOULDN'T BE SO PATHETIC.

Because I was getting better. And I was happier. And it wasn't perfect. But I did think for a moment that I was going to make it.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years"

Dead. Dead if i'm lucky.

I lost everything. Even now I feel how I'm losing myself.

What good am I for anymore. I failed at everything.

"You're never too old to start living life!"

Well that's the thing.

I am getting old.

Too old to keep dreaming of ever achieving anything important.

Anything good.

Anything worthwhile in this world.

So why even wait for more time to pass.

Why not cut our loses.

And leave the world while a few people still care about me.

I want to jump in front of the metro.

I want to jump so badly.

And it'd be so easy.

So easy.

It would welcome me with open arms.

Death would be asking what took me so long.

Why I made her wait.

Why I wasted my time.

Why I wasted everyone's time.

I miss my grandpa.

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magicalslug · 9 months ago

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I'm tired of being an unloved disgusting thing

I'm tired of being wrong and misshapen and broken and empty and void of anything worth loving

I'm tired of being lied to

by people who claim to care about me

but only care about the charade of a person

don't u get it?

I'm too broken to exist

I want to die all the time now

I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING BETTER

I'm nothing again

I am tired of being nothing again

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magicalslug · 9 months ago

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kill me

please

someone have mercy on me

and kill me

kill me

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magicalslug · 9 months ago

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I'm disgusting and ugly and I deserve to die

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magicalslug · 9 months ago

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I must be the greatest disgrace to this world

what other explanation there is

for me to be so alone

for me to feel so alone

for nobody to find me worth loving

worth protecting

I am worth nothing

no one truly likes me for me

no one cares

for me

as a person

the real disgusting me

something is intrinsically wrong with me

that must be why

nobody has ever loved me

(lies. your grandpa loved you.)

I'm tired of loving someone for longer than I ever met him.

I miss him so much.

the platonic ideal of a loving family figure

I wish I had a big family

a family that cared.

a family that loved me.

I MISS HAVING A FAMILY

I knew what it was to be loved by a family once

I miss it so much

I miss my friends so much

I miss being free so much

I love my cats

one day they'll die and then I will truly be alone and loveless in this world

please

please let me die

I never did anything good for anyone

people will joke about my death

because I was so forgettable

because I was more interesting while dead

because i was nothing to anyone

I was never good enough for anything

mediocrity at its finest

please let me die

I'm tired

I'm so tired

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magicalslug · 2 years ago

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It's about the unloved ones, the ones left behind when the ones meant to be loved find each other and get to ride into the sunset together. Who stays behind? The unloved ones are the ones left to pick up the pieces, clean up after the act, close the door on their way out.

I can't stop reading about unrequited love. About stories where you know the love wasn't enough, the love doesn't pan out, one person will be abandoned and there's absolutely nothing to be done about it because this is the way the story is always supposed to go.

It's silly. I know.

I can't stop thinking about Izzy.

I can't stop thinking about Pharma.

Unloved little things. They weren't created to find love. They were made to suffer the effects of being actively loathed, actively despised by the object of their affections, the one that will get hitched and spend the rest of their days reaping the rewards of being known and loved for it.

But who gets to love Izzy? Who gets to love Pharma? Who gets to know them so intimately that it hurts when they go unnoticed and uncared for?

This is the way the story is always meant to go.

And the more i read about how much contempt Ed has for Izzy, the more i read about Ratchet finding Pharma's feelings inconvenient and annoying--

The better it feels.

The harder it gets to breathe.

Because the story is about me in the end.

Pharma will find a way to keep on living. But it will be knowing that his love amounted to nothing. So will Izzy, who's conveniently in the same boat of finding purpose after a lifetime of giving your heart and life to someone else.

What happens to the unloved ones?

How does their story end?

If not with a bang, then...

How does my story end?

This is my life, and I'm not helpless.

But i will forever resent being created to be an unloved little thing.

This love with nowhere to go will be the thing that kills me in the end.

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magicalslug · 2 years ago

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"I've missed listening to that spark in your voice" well get ready to never listen to it again. This whole charade was just to give a good finale to a friendship i appreciated but decided it was unhealthy for me. Not because it was unhealthy in any way, but because i don't want to have a Favorite Person anymore.

I'm tired.

I hate the concept of "Favorite Person" for BPD people. Because. Isn't it so cruel?

It should be a good thing, to have a favorite person. It should be good. It should be good.

But all it does is hurt me because it brings bad things emotionally. It makes me incredibly attached. Attached. Attached. I'm tired of being attached to people that clearly don't love me in the ways i want to be loved.

I want. And i want. And i want.

I am disgusting, i know, but. I deserve better. Always. I deserve to not feel incredibly alone when talking with someone. I deserve to not feel alone when I'm with someone i thought i cared about.

I'm gonna kill myself.

It feels good to say that.

I'm gonna kill myself.

I just wish it wasn't a comforting lie.

I'm gonna kill myself.

I wish it was real. Wish it was real.

One day I'll be real and i will kill myself.

See?^

I had a great weekend! I enjoyed myself!

And I still want to kill myself!!!!!!! Because my brain is broken!!!!!!!! My brain is broken!!!!!!! My brain is broken!!!!!! Take me out of my misery for the love of god KILL ME

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magicalslug · 2 years ago

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maybe i truly am a despicable person. horrid to those around me. Disgusting beyond belief.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

My weakness.

My truth.

If i was beautiful, surely you'd take the offer?

What did i do wrong?

I worked hard to have everything prepared.

I wanted you to be comfortable.

Was it all so disgusting?

Was i so disgusting?

I'm wrong, of course, but i am not sure. Where i went wrong.

Hospitality. I am bad at it. Because i am a disgusting freak.

This is all in my mind. I am. I am paranoid and mentally ill. My brain lies to me.

I am.

I am a mistake once more. That's fine!

Mistakes like me will continue to be a nuisance till we die. And you gotta deal with it!!!! I'm a cockroach babey!!!!!!!!!! You gotta crush me under your heel if you want me to give up, and even then I'll keep on kicking!!!!!!!!!

SO WHAT IF THE WORLD HATES ME AND THINKS I AM UNTOUCHABLE!!!!!!! SO WHAT IF IT BOTH WANTS TO HATE ME AND IT CANT!!!!! SO WHAT IF NOT EVEN MY FRIENDS WANT ME AROUND!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF IT'S ALL A LIE, I WILL KEEP ON LIVING BABEY!!!!!! I WILL STAY ON TRACK AND KEEP ON LIVING!!!! I AM A DISGUSTING FREAK!!!!! NOT EVEN MY FRIENDS CAN STOMACH THE THOUGHT OF ME!!!! SO WHAT!!!! SO WHAT!!!!!

I am going throhj

Through

Theog

I am making things up in my head. Nothing bad happened. Just my hospitality got rejected and it made me feel stupid for ever caring so much. It happens!!!!!!! It happens!!!!!!!

Sacrifice is not wanted when the master does not ask for it!!!!!!! And we have no masters!!!!! We are free!!!!!!!! Nobody asked for us!!!! So they shall not have us!!!!!!

I am free!!!! Finally i am free of this burden!!!! Just a few days more

And I'll be free. Finally, a conclusion. A finale. People exiting forever from lives left unlived.

I am happy, today was a great day, really.

But i just need. To rest. And forget. That my love was never needed, not even for dumb things like this. It's all rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it's all in my head. It's all in my head.

Am I The Asshole? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

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magicalslug · 2 years ago

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finally got over myself and planned out perfectly my conclusion to a life long friendship It was needed of course!! Overall this weekend allowed me to see it clearly. It is, as much many things are, my fault because of my stubborness and paranoia. But like.

I deserve to surround myself with people that like me, for me! With people that actually enjoy hanging out with me! That share my love for things and actually like being around me and.

And.

And that they deserve all the effort i put into our friendship.

At this point i.... i am losing hope. That such people exist, at least as i envision them.

Not because my current friends arent great! But because i am deeply aware that there are limits. Others do not exist for my perfect entertainment! I will never perfectly connect and match with someone mostly because i am.

I am entirely too much.

And i will never let someone else see my true self. Not anymore. Not ever.

I will take myself to the grave, lay me down with a bouquet made for myself.

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magicalslug · 2 years ago

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Big Emotions

Had a deep talk with my friend.

They said things i needed to hear.

But also, despite that, i can't. I can't understand.

Genuinely hard to conceptualize for me.

What could i possible be, for someone to want to still be my friend, after they've seen the ugly parts of me.

The needy ones, the clingy ones, the ones that are too much and too obsessive and paranoid and most of all, so pathetic and helpless. So stupid. So egotistical in thinking i deserve to be liked for them.

Like.

What am i?

What do i offer? What am i giving? How am i being useful?

I guess therein lies the issue.

I can't conceptualize that someone would like me, for me, with all my issues. Despite my issues.

I am nothing. I have done nothing. I haven't done anything with my life.

The truth is, they like me, because they haven't seen me.

The real me.

The real me obsessed with them. Obsessed. Obsessed. The me that dreams of one day dying heroically to save them from something, anything, so that my life may finally have a meaning.

You wouldn't like me for that, would you?

No one would like me for that.

I guess i was angry when they told me that our bond is irreplaceable. Because i thought it was a lie.

I know it's a lie. If it was so irreplaceable, then you wouldn't have replaced me in the first place isn't it?

Empty words.

Why would you give me empty words?

I am sobbing.

Because i know i am not human, i am a monster, and I've convinced everyone that i am a human. Just human.

But that's not true. I am monstrous.

Monstrous because i want and want and WANT.

What do i want? Everything. I want to be adored. Loved unconditionally. Worshipped and cared for.

I want.

I want to be loved in every way. Filled so much with love that i explote and die like a firework.

But i know. That's delusional.

I am horrible. Horrible.

Horrible.

I'M A MONSTER. selfish and jealous and empty.

Nothing will ever fill the void.

And i know this. It's delusional to think that even if you liked me romantically, that would change anything.

In fact, it would make me worse. More paranoid of you seeing the deeper parts of me. The parts of me that are even more vulnerable. More unhinged.

And.

We're in a weird spot.

Because it's true, i killed my love for you. My romantic love.

Now the idea of... you liking me romantically is. It's not ideal for me.

I can't conceptualize it anymore. It feels weird. It feels violating.

It feels faker than before.

So what do i want? Why do i still want you to be

Be what? My savior? No, i never thought of you that way.

Then, my only true friend? The only one i can truly trust? Is that it? Then why do i feel i can never tell you anything, since I'm too afraid of you hating me the moment i Am Too Much

"But youre only human" YOU DONT GET IT, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, I AM A MONSTER AND I WILL RUIN YOU

I can only ruin you

Like all unloved people do

I guess

I wanted you to love me, unconditionally, forever and ever.

That way, i would have

I would have had

Someone to trust

I didn't want to love back

I didn't want to put in the effort

I just

I just wanted to know someone loved me for me, and that meant, i could finally trust again

And stop being scared

Scared of being unlovable

As I've always been

Always the groomsman

Never the Bride

I want to be protected, adored, i want someone to think I'm precious and in need to be cared for.

I just.

I wish i was precious to someone. In the ways I've found others to be precious to me.

The point is.

I want you to be happy with your boyfriend. I do.

Genuinely, nothing would make me happier.

But also. Nothing would make me happier, if you let me walk away from your life. So i can live on knowing i was always right about being unlovable for being me. For being monstrous. For being selfish.

Because that way, i would never get the chance to hurt you. To ruin you. To take away the Mental Image you may have of me.

I do believe, you love that image you have of me at least.

The me i crated to be palatable to others. If you love them, I'm happy. It worked. I made a version of me that can be loved.

But the real me remains unloved. I guess, i guess that's what continues to hurt me so much.

Even a part of me can be loved, but never the monster that is me.

The real me.

The real me that is selfish. Ugly. A bastard. A broken little thing that has never achieved anything.

Why am i alive for, again?

For me. I am alive for me. I am living for me.

You. You. Please. Live for me. I love you. Please.

Remember that i love you.

I love you, and that's not a lie.

That's why we've lived so long. Because i loved you all along. Even, the real you.

Especially the real you. Even the parts that are morally reprehensible to love. Especially those. Because i was there all along to witness them.

Your errors, i love them. As much as i love you.

It may feel lonely, I'm sorry about that. But i do love you. And i want you to be happy.

Please, let us be happy together forever.

I would choose you over anyone else, in a heartbeat. As I've always done. I love you. I love you. I love you so much.

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