magpie-chatterings
magpie-chatterings
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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everyone here has experienced the surreal drink description page of dominos’ online ordering right
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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pour one out
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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When I was a kid, my mom was a judge and my dad was starting his solo practice, and they both worked full time. There were four of us kids between the ages of one and seven (the Just Us League) and no decent daycares nearby, so they hired a nanny.  She had three almost-adult children, and on days when she couldn’t work, one of her kids would substitute. The oldest kid was named Bob, age 18, and he had just finished army basic training when this all went down. Bob did not have the good sense god gave a rock. 
I have an older brother, Jake, who was seven; then me, Hellen, age five, then Seth, age three, and my little sister Gin would have been one. It was late August, and we were at our nanny’s house, though she was gone for the day. Bob was in charge.
Bob should probably not have been in charge.
Bob tried keeping us entertained with board games and tag and movies. Gin took a nap. Eventually he decided to get creative, and sat us down in the living room with a game and vanished into the garage. There was a smashing sound. And then some saw noises. And then some hammering. And then we saw him going around the house to the back yard through the windows, though we were too short to see what he was doing. And finally, he yelled to us to come out into the driveway. 
Jake and Seth and I trooped out. Bob had both hands behind his back. He stepped up to Jake and revealed what he had in his right hand. 
It was a wooden sword. It was clearly made from what appeared to be parts of a chair’s legs, cut down and nailed together. He presented this, and announced, “You are Sir Jake, the strongest knight!” 
He stepped up to Seth and presented what was in his left hand. It was another wooden sword, smaller than the first, also crudely made out of chair legs. He announced, “You are Sir Seth, the bravest knight!”
At this point, I was practically vibrating in place, waiting eagerly for my sword so I could use it to whale on my brothers, as god intended me to do. I was therefore understandably disappointed to be presented with the business end of a garden hose and told, “You are Miss Hellen, the Water Fairy!”
“No,” I said. “I want a sword.”
Bob was confused. “But you get water magic! Magic’s great!”
“No.” I repeated, holding the hose. It had a spray nozzle set to jet. “I want a sword.”
“Magic’s great. Magic’s better than a sword.” Bob insisted. “You’ll see. Wait here a moment.”
And then Bob ran around the side of house and vanished. 
We stood in the driveway. Jake and Seth poked each other with their swords. I spritzed them idly with the hose, trying to decide which of them would be easier to steal a sword from. 
And then we heard a quiet wooshing noise, and smelled smoke. 
We turned. As we watched, a line of fire rushed around the corner of the house, consuming a path of gasoline poured into the dry August grass. 
We paused and considered this for a few moments. I raised the hose and sprayed a jet of water at the fire. It went out. We glanced at each other. Then we took off running, following the trail of fire, spraying as we went. 
The fire led in a path around the house to the back yard. As we turned the corner, we saw Bob, clad in a bathrobe and holding a curtain rod, standing in the center of a large ring of burning grass. He cackled manically. “I am the FIRE WIZARD! Your puny swords are useless! Nothing but water magic can defeat me!”
I promptly blasted him with the hose. He spluttered. The fire did not go out. 
I turned the hose on the fire itself, spraying a section close to us so that it would extinguish. As soon as there was enough room, Jake charged forward, brandishing his chair leg sword with a battle cry. Seth, always happy to be included, followed. They ran into the circle and began beating Bob around the kneecaps with their swords. I kept spraying. 
Eventually, Bob the Fire Wizard was brought down and all the fire was extinguished. Seth and Jake continued to work on bruising Bob’s shins, and I quickly discarded the hose to lend my fists and extremely pointy elbows to the cause. Bob lay in the smoldering grass, probably regretting using such sturdy chair legs. 
Once we’d all tired ourselves out and lay panting in a heap, Bob decided it was time for the moral of the story. “You see, a sword is nothing compared to the power of a little girl with **magic**.” 
We thought about this for a few moments. Bob nodded wisely. Jake and Seth nodded back. 
“I still want a sword.” I said. 
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Still blows my mind how quickly capitalism self-destructed streaming tv
Like netflix rejuvenated a dying market and made it way more afforadable and accessible, and then... everyone needed a slice of the pie and fucked the whole thing up
Incredible
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Valentine’s day is NOT a day for lovers, couples, or people in relationships. Valentine’s day is exclusively for elementary school students who each buy their entire class cute little cards with cartoon characters on them, messily scrawl their classmates names there as an act of love, and give them a tiny little candy packet.
that is the height of the holiday.
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Found at Goodwill in Lancaster, Ohio
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Some Queenie fo today
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Why the hell is my first Minecraft impulse of the year to turn all lanterns into lava lamps??
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Somewhere between (งಠ_ಠ)ง and  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  every day.
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Honestly, the Elric brothers have a very realistic sibling relationship as far as fiction goes because 1. they love each other and aren’t afraid to be friends unlike cartoons where siblings seem to hate each other for literally no reason other than being siblings but also,
Al can go from “My big brother is the best coolest most smartest person in the world and yeah maybe he makes mistakes sometimes but he’s trying his best, I want to be just like him when I grow up” to “Ed? Lmao, he’s a bitch. Just an absolute moron. Pathetic. I’m waaaay cooler than him and also taller. Sorry, what’d you say brother? I couldn’t hear you all the way down there? Did you guys hear something? Anyway Ed has the tackiest fashion sense of anyone in the world and we should all shame him for it”
And at the same time Ed can either be like “Al is a Baby and I have to protect him, he needs me, I must be the strong and responsible one because Al is small and soft and shouldn’t have to face the horrors of reality” or “Yeah, Al’s the most capable person in this entire room, I trust him more than I trust myself and probably the only reason he hasn’t kicked all your asses by now is because he doesn’t feel like it lmao”
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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"Hey so it turns out that the people of earth accidentally did a global experiment to see if every individual could course correct climate change through mass personal change of habits, and it turns out, no! We can't! It was massive corporate activity all along!"
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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Anyway.
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tag yourself.
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magpie-chatterings · 5 years ago
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I keep using my girlfriend with unusual work hours to get out of coworker interactions and happy hours and hanging out.
But now the company holiday party is upon us.
And I’ve been lying about the girlfriend.
I suddenly really empathise with the characters in Hallmark Christmas movies.
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