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[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

BETTER DAYS HAVE COME

2021 is off to a great start for me. I have been pretty happy and mentally stable for a while now and I am proud of myself for being able to reach that goal.

There were days in 2020 in where I wasnt at my best. Those days were the days I felt bad about myself. Times where I could spend hours thinking about my problems. I have several things to talk about but I dont want to make this too long. 

Yes I have finally found happiness but I honestly dont think it may last long. Maybe this is just temporary. If sadness is temporary maybe happiness is too. Although I wish it would last longer, I would rather take this time to get to know myself even more. 

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

WHY NCT IS ONE OF THE ONLY THING THAT IS KEEPING ME ALIVE RIGHT NOW

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

2021, PLEASE BE GOOD TO US

Let’s be honest, 2020 was so screwed up. So many things happened in a year and it quickly took a toll on us. 

2020 has to be one of those years where you just wanted to go back to the previous years when you were happy. When things were okay. I will admit I did experience and witness a few things that I didn’t know I needed but no I’m glad it happened to me. This year has taught me so much about myself and who I am. I learned that not everybody who you are close with isn’t exactly your friend. I lost a couple of friends here and there. But hey, it was for the best. It was for the best of the both of us since we knew things were not gonna work out the longer we kept secrets from each other. She was a good one. I’ll never forget her. But when I lost people i were closest with, its like a huge part of me was missing. Things just started to get sadder and harder to handle. 

I often think why I should continue on with my life if I have no where to go to? What is my purpose in life? Why am i here? I realized that I am here because I still have a long way to go. We all do. This just the beginning. So I hope we all make 2021 a better year for all of us. We learned a lot. We’ve been through so much. 

2020, you were a pain in the butt, but thank you for teaching us that life still goes on. And to 2021, PLEASE BE GOOD TO US!

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

2020 IS NOT GENZ’S YEAR, NOPE.

I think it’s safe to say that 2020, is just not Gen-Zs year. Like it’s so messed up in every single way you could think of. I hate it. I just hate it. It ruined everything for us. This whole year is just a year of stress, sadness, hatred, depression, anger, negativity. Like if you put everything in a box and compare them, it’s mostly negative and not positive. Let’s say 89% of it is just negative. ALL OF THIS IS JUST UNBELIEVABLE. IT IS NOT A HAPPY YEAR. NOT TO ME. 

This year is honestly just, unreal. Im still in my teenage years enjoying life as a 16 year old hoping things will be better this year and then suddenly some Thanos wannabee snapped his fingers, and Voila! A virus to kill all humanity! What is this world gonna end up in the dumpster in 2 months? Are we actually gonna live through this pandemic for 2 more years????? I am actually so mad about the fact that this is just full of unexplainable events that keep happening and none of them are good. Like think about it, countries like the Philippines a raised the bar and became one of the highest number of cases of COVID-19 in the Asia. Countries like Mexico, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and so many more are struggling and unfairly treated by their own kind. It’s so unfair that this is what life has to offer us. Don’t you think this is a little too much?

First of all our country needs a new leader, ASAP. I honestly don’t care at all what position this man is, but for the betterment of this country, vote him out next time! Our country hasn’t had one good or positive progression this year and sure we can blame it on 2020, but I feel like Duterte is also to blame. He is genuinely such an embarassment to this country. His personality is not a good characteristic that people should acknowledge. That is just disgusting the fact that most people think he has been doing a good job in leading this country. More on that, other problems this country has been facing include pollution, illegal mining and logging, deforestation, killing of activists community leaders, and human rights defenders, and of course, poverty. 

Is it safe to say that this year is somehow, cursed? Its funny but I honestly think this is one of the worst years of the 21st century. GenZ has a lot to offer, trust me. We our strong enough to help each other and unite and make this world a better place. Maybe even better than the fact of our possible migration to the moon or Mars. Although for safety purposes, I’ve already booked a ticket to the moon at NASA just incase things won’t actually go well. But I still really want things to end in a good way this year. 

2020, you’re nothing but a year of bad happenings. We lost so many of our loved ones, we lost our ability to go out and enjoy life. We lost almost everything. Whys is everything slowly being taken away from us? Does it have to be this way? The consequences, the unexpected pandemic, the world itself is changing and who knows what might happen in a few months or year. 

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

KINDA FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS THE DEFINITION OF CRAZY...

So here’s the thing, sometimes I think I’m crazy. And by sometimes I mean, almost every single day of my life. LOL. Im 16 years old and I struggle with anxiety and well, my life in general. In the past 7 months I have changed so much. Mostly, mentally. But my mental health has gotten into a whole new level. 

Ever since this pandemic started I felt different about myself and certain things like, my family, my friends, the food i eat, the way I look, the way people think of me, the way I think Im the most annoying person to ever exist. Basically, I overthink a lot. I’ve said that way too many times, but hey, that’s who I am and I just cant seem to get rid of that. I stress eat a lot. I eat when Im bored. I cry when Im sad or stressed out. I cry myself to sleep at night. I scare myself by thinking about the things that scare me the most. You see this is when I start to thin if I’ve peaked in life. If i progressed in the things I’ve gone through my whole 16 years of being alive. 

Anyways, I don’t think I’m gonna stop being dramatic, oops. So for 7 months my whole family has been with me in this household and when I tell you it’s a mess, IT IS A MESS. My siblings and I always fight each other while my mom on the other hand screams at us for being too loud and annoying. Typical mom things..... While my dad is busy working from home. But thankfully he makes time for us even he’s just a few steps away from our living room. Me and my mom argue 24/7. She just loves to judge me and scream at me. Its a good thing Im used to it though. Me and my mom are like “frenemies”, we never get along, but when we do, it’s like having a new best friend. 

I figured that these kinds of moments I have realized that they affected me more than anyone has. I feel like I struggle the most with my mental health because of my parents and the way things aren’t going well between us. They have hurt me in ways that no one has ever had. I love them so much, but the words and things they have said to me has always left a hole in my heart that may never heal. 

The consequences were hard to ignore. I had difficult times. But I realized that it’s not all their fault, it’s also mine. I always took their words and kept it as if it was a threat but then I realize that this is their way of teaching me lessons that I shouldn’t miss out on. 

I don’t blame my parents for ruining the way I feel about myself and the way I see life. I now only blame myself and the way I thought that these problems were gonna turn out better than I imagined. I feel like i feel mentally unstable at times when I stress out and start to panic. That’s when I am at my worst. I still am, but I’m getting through it. It’s not easy being the eldest, its’ not easy being a senior in high school, it’s not easy being imperfect. Nothing is easy in this world. We think it is, but it’s not. 

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

It’s just another one of those weeks.

As usual, this week is another week full of stress and anxiousness. The MST was still ongoing so I had to review all of the subjects and the topics discussed. I will say it was actually pretty difficult to focus since the test was done online and not answered on actual paper. It was a new experience for a lot of us. I myself was really anxious because thats the kind of person I am. I overthink a lot and I worry about the smallest things. Thats why I was nervous about the MST.

I was really stressed out. I had to go through all the lessons and topics on each subjects before I compile them and make a proper reviewer for each subjects so that I could use them as reference. I was also having difficulty in most subjects like math, because to be honest I am not the best at this subject and I dont think I ever will be. But i tried my best to understand the topics even though they gave me serious headaches. 

Ever since this new normal for us students came up, It was not easy to adjust at all. I was very nervous of how things were gonna go especially during exams and quizzes. It wont be the same as going to actual school and getting the real life experience of senior highschool. Its so sad that i get to spend my first year of being a senior like this. I wish things weren’t like this. This kind of situation isn’t good for my mental health either. Like I said I’ve gotten very anxious and had an amount for anxiety attacks. Surprisingly I got through those. Shocking. But its so hard, its not easy being the eldest child. They think everything about you is wrong. That really triggered me and made me really upset and cried every night with a head full of thoughts I choose to let out when I am alone. The pandemic really hit me in a way where I realized certain things and where I felt more not myself.

Now back to this week, I guess its just another one of those weeks I just have to get through with because I have no other choice but to keep going. This is the path I wanted to take so why not just lead it and see where it takes me. Days like these are maybe just signs that God is trying to test us into wether we are capable of controlling our own monsters and inner self and as well as if we can fight our own battles without his help. But we know He is up there watching us cheering us on and telling us to keep going. 

A week of typical problems that can easily be fixed but also become worse. These are the kinds that I come across, I pray to be strong enough to handle. This isnt the end yet, there are still many thing I still want to accomplish. I may have fallen a couple times, but I will always pick myself up and stand up and be stronger. This was just another week, it wasnt even a year yet but well, we are close to the year ending. I may sound dramatic but its worth saying. Everyday I remind myself to stop overthinking, I cant control everything, just let it be. These 7 boys have done a great impact in my life, Im glad they helped get through this week and the rest of my days where I was at my lowest. They serve as my daily reminder to, keep going. 

[mahalkosikimtaehyungxd]

i present to u all, the loml, kim taehyung <3