maia5321

[maia5321]

its been a while.

lotta different things have happened. 

I got back on pred. which yeah.. ballooned me. I was on that shit for 3 months and it didnt work. I just got unstable asf. 

Im NEVER taking that shit again

it was hard going back to a HW. 90kgs gag.

CW 83.5 kgs

Tbh ive had a bit of personal successes. im hoping to keep the streak going. 

now I just really really need to lose the weight. I feel disgusted with all this excess. Im obsessed w my collarbones that are beginning to show.

starting the gym 3x a week soon. as part of my healing journey after a year long flare. 

im just so sick and fucking tired of being put on meds that make me gain weight, build fluid, lose my fucking hair whatever

[maia5321]

There's still too much meat on my bones

[maia5321]

Been restricting on accident, eating only like a child portion dinner for a good few days and when I noticed what was up idk didnt have the energy to change my ways, track anything, count anything

Led me to today of eating wayy too much candy bc I know its idk safe I guess? No weird textures or sinew or animal fat. I know what to expect and it doesnt lead me to almost barfing at the table of the inlaws.

Glad school is starting up soon, been way too isolated, though I did virtually hang w my bff who unfortunately lives in the neighbour country

[maia5321]

Lucky vs Unlucky events lately

Wip

Lucky:

Didnt get a parking ticket that one time we definitely deserved one

Dad decided to take in the kitten, that landed in our laps (and cant give a home rn)

Ts sister is (hopefully, please please higher powers please?) moving out

During a historic crazy rain, our sentimental stuff was not ruined even tho it was inside a tent.

Unlucky:

Got huge bills bc the powerlines in the rental place are fucked up, so we've paid the amount that a house with a pool usually pays. We had a small 2 bedroom place.

Had to move out of our place

Had to repair our car literally thrice bc 2/3 were accidents and 1/3 was T making a very bad decision out of curiosity

Had to spend literally our entire income on bills and in order to stay afloat we had to take up debt, which is.. yeah it's fine, it's okay not a lot and the terms are incredibly good.

Lost our cat. He was hit by a driver and someone decided to just bury him after four hours, giving us NO chance to find him and bury him ourselves. A piece of me died with him, I considered him my son.

The place we were looking at, got rented without us even being considered :( we were willing to pay even more than asked :(

On the day we were having an "us" day we got a MASSIVE parking ticket, even though we literally did everything right. Apparently the app itself, scanned and misplaced our specific parking spot location, so yay. I'm gonna call them on monday and aso wtf is up bc WHAT THE FUCK. Why do WE have to pay for their mistake? I AM STILL NOT CALM. Not over it.

Conclusion:

I've used up all my lucky points in life having met T, surviving my severe stint in hospital and having had the wonderful pleasure of having my sweet passed kitty for a year.

[maia5321]

Havent weighed myself in forever

Theres been noticeable changes for the better, but I feel like if I am not in the 70s by the time I weigh myself again I will probably crash

But! I've also been thinking about the numbers less, which is yay?

[maia5321]

Feel like I used all my luck up in meeting my soulmate T

I've been so lucky, I'm not settling, theres no "I can accept this" or "this is good enough" which my culture is pretty on board with. Like that's life.

But in return I almost died, my health got severely worse, we lost our home, been drowning in bills and our baby cat B passed away on the 23rd of july, barely a year old.

We had been going through everything with an open mind, but losing B was the straw that broke the camels back.

We're exhausted, I'm exhausted and we're just begging to please please get some wind in our sails again.

Atleast we are financially stable, our studies are going well and we have a car, which makes life a LOT easier.

But urgh. So so tired.

[maia5321]

The idea of ​​gaining weight again is killing me

[maia5321]

*sits down*

dont you think its weird. dont you think its weird that the space race last time was two of the biggest powers in the world. and now its a handful of rich men. dont you think its weird they can afford that. dont you think its bad that rich men can afford the same things as the government.

dont you think its weird that while the world is suffering and poverty is everywhere, where there's wars and climate change and human pain and homelessness. the same month I've watched people die on the news from unbearable heat and unprecedented flooding. that a rich handful of men are going to space, causing more carbon emissions. dont you think its weird that instead of putting their vast amount of money to use for good they're using it to find a way off the planet theyre destroying.

dont you think its really fucking weird.

[maia5321]

I've been at the same weight for like a BIT too long and calculating my intake taking burned kcals into the equations I'm..? Very worried I've like lowered my BMR, I've been having a way smaller real intake than I thought, bc I didnt minus the kcals burned.

I do not have any desire to hang out at this weight anymore, atleast I havent gained.

Gonna try to eat more this coming week, so my body wont hang onto water and fat for dear life, cuz idk science it works

[maia5321]

meanspo? You mean my mirror?

[maia5321]

Going grocery shopping when you have an ed is literally just: *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *turns item around, puts it back* *tur

[maia5321]

set your past on fire and leave

[maia5321]

job interviews feel so weirdly degrading it's like you're asking to be exploited and they still reject you

[maia5321]

Not having my sweet kitty around is giving me bad ideas lmao

I'm sitting here being bitter over having to wait a whole ass year, but it would literally be disastrous for both our lives if it happened before, after that though....

[maia5321]

If I do not hit my gw for this month

[maia5321]

Wow I love finding out that my fiance is disturbed by my stretch marks, I want to bury myself in a hole

[maia5321]

Moved again today. I suspect this will prolong my stress and nausea thing I've got going on.

My ed brain is like almost ecstatic, I'm barely bloated, I've visibly lost weight, my old clothes are starting to fit again and I'm eating less than a certain not super high number of kcals, which... I should probably be concerned about, it's only bc of my nausea T hasn't been after me, mixed feelings about that one.