maicollectionofchaos - Tumblr blog

[maicollectionofchaos]

I keep trying to heal our relationship to the best of my ability. I'm always prepared with a bandage and glue to quick repair whatever it is about us that is hurting in that moment. But the glue and the tape aren't holding that well recently. And I think I've been fooling myself into thinking that the glue and the tape are real solutions to the problems that we keep having. But they're not. It's a temporary fix for an ongoing issue. It shouldn't hurt this badly and it shouldn't feel so desperate. I learn new things about myself everyday. Mostly I see how far my ability to forgive stretches. It seems like I have been stretching myself pretty thin for you lately. Forgiving you. Trying to trust you. Trying to repair what you broke. But it seems like all of my efforts will be in vain. You're gonna leave me anyways. We won't know for sure for a few agonizing months but I feel like You will in my gut. You'll go off to school and we'll try the long distance thing for a little bit. But at some point, probably sooner than we'd both like to admit, my trust in you will fade and the novelty of having a long distance girlfriend will fade from your heart. Your attention will go elsewhere and before you know it : we have hurt each other in immeasurable ways. Again. I don't know why I keep tormenting myself. You hurt me. I trust you. You let me down. Repeat. I don't know if it's a heady combination of me not liking myself enough and loving you too much or what. But it's not good either way. I think, when I finally say goodbye to you, I'll be more free than I have since I met you. Which pains my heart to say because with you, my heart can feel as light as air or as dense and hard as the pressure on the ocean floor. You're hurting me continuously, and I'm letting you. There is something wrong with me, I think. I always do this. I always devote myself 100% to people that can't even give back half of that. Tyler was the same. Took everything I had to offer. My energy. My devotion. My complete and utter naivety. I thought I would die when i broke up with Tyler. I thought I'd never find someone who "loved" me like he did. And he would hurt me and I would find myself apologizing. And then I broke up with him and found Christian. And I thought that that relationship would be so much different than the one with Tyler. But it turns out that in some ways, it's worse. I question my sanity a lot with Christian. It's like I'm losing my mind and I know it's happening but I can't do anything to prevent it or to stop It. I'm helpless in my own situation and it's pathetic. I let him twist his words and I absolve him of any real responsibility. I let him squirm out of situations and use my gentle heart against me. Sometimes it feels like I'm a prisoner in my own head. And then other times, he's the only one that can quiet the doubt that rages on inside my body. Like he has the key. It's a peculiar feeling. To be so madly in love with someone while resenting them at the same time. I fear that this is why parents don't love each other by the time they're older and why love fails so often. To have the same person who drags a dagger over your heart be the same Person who washes your fears away is such an odd feeling of regret and need. I don't know how to not love someone with everything I have. I wish I did because I'm only 21 and my heart has ached more than I ever expected in my lifetime. I just want to be at peace and I want a lover that needs me like air to breath. I want possession without jealousy and I want quiet moments with a fiery passion. I'm perplexed in my desires and I am fearful that my strong mind and my ability to notice things will prevent me from ever finding what I truly want. Which is a trusting relationship less any distractions and without hesitation. Christian and I are fleeting. I feel as though our hourglass timer has been flipped and that every moment is one leading up to our separation. In my chest there lies a very complex feeling of relief and dread, existing both at the same time. I can't fight it. I can't do anything about it. My life is in chaos because I listen to my heart, even when I should not do so. Bandaids and glue will only hold us together for so long when the other person in this relationship isn't pulling their own weight. The burden is mine to bare.

[maicollectionofchaos]

Don’t.

Don’t get too attached here, baby girl. You’re not safe like this. Your heart isn’t safe. It never will be as long as it belongs to someone else. You can’t trust anyone it seems. You will never truly know someone’s heart, even though countless people know yours. People are never what they seem and people will lie through their teeth to get what they want. You’ve been manipulated so many times by the people you love and you can’t see to find a way to keep those people out of your life. Out of your heart. 

What is most devastating about this way of looking at life, is it goes against everything that you want. You want someone’s true heart and true self and you want a love that is pure, honest, full of integrity, loyalty, and trust. You dream about finding someone that will allow me to be myself while understanding my complicated battles with myself and the harshness of my love. You have a lot of heart and a lot of soul, and I think that that scares a lot of people. You love loudly and you expect the same from the people in your life, and that’s why, I think, you’re always being disappointed. 

Don’t get attached. Don’t get too comfortable. He will hurt you again and this time it will be worse than the times before because you know it’s coming and you chose to stay. You’re putting yourself in this position and you can’t blame anyone for my decision. He will never be everything that you want. He’s not the one. If he was the one, he would know that your anxiety eats at your ribcage like a wolf at a carcass. If he were the one, he would find a way to soothe your aching soul and put your mind at ease. Instead, he’s selfish and self-serving and you’re too giving for him. You’re too good for him. I think deep down, that you know that, and that you’re fighting that knowledge because you love him so, but it’s true. You have so much to offer, and he’s become good at taking. 

You’ll be fine either way, baby girl. With him, without him. Your relationship with him does not and will not define you. Find your own path and life your own life and whoever comes comes and whoever leaves, well then they leave. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

Living. But dying.

I’m honestly rotting away. I can feel it in my bones. I’m always a second choice. A second option. I’m never a priority and I’m always a back up. Why the fuck aren’t I good enough to just be enough for someone? All I fucking want in this world is for someone to want me. For someone to need me. To need me more than they need other things or other people. I just want someone to drown in me and the love I have to offer. But I’m shoved away by everyone that I try to hold close. I’m never good enough. I’m never fucking good enough. Why can’t someone just love me? Why can’t the person that I love, feel the same way I feel about them? I’m always the most. I’m the one that loves most. That sacrifices most. That loses themselves the most. I’m a fucking fool for thinking that someone can feel the same way about me. I’m too difficult to understand. I’m too hard to love and to be with because my love is suffocating. I just want to be happy. And i just want my heart to soar and my lungs to not be filled with tears and dread. I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly drowning. I’m living. But I’m also dying.

[maicollectionofchaos]

Cheated.

He cheated on me and my the walls of my heart caved in and collapsed on itself. I have never felt such betrayal, and I had to stare at the proof for a week. I couldn’t breathe or find a way to suck enough oxygen into my lungs to make sense of what happened in my brain. My heart stopped. My anxious hands shook. And I think a part of me died right there. Tyler was bad, but he was never this bad.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror with complete confidence. I don’t know myself that well anymore apparently. I never thought that I would be this girl, in this position, with this much doubt in the back of my mind. I’m so sad and I don’t know how to escape it.  We have everything. Had everything. Now I’m stuck in rubble. Now my perspective is changed. I don’t see him in the same light that I once did. The pathetic thing is that I still value his happiness over mine and I don’t know how to fucking change that.  I’m left with this extreme burden in my chest with two choices at hand. To forgive and continue loving you or to not forgive and continue loving you. Either one compromises who I am at my core and who I thought I was and even more importantly, who I thought he was.  I’m sad. I’m desperate. I’m learning more and more about myself and my capacities to forgive and also my ignorance. I hate myself but I love you. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest, like what I’m feeling is too much for it to take. I feel it. The sudden drop in my stomach and the pain that lingers there. It happens so frequently I wonder if my heart is used to leaping off the cages of my ribs. 

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest. Like when I become anxious about my future or my life. That feeling makes me second guess all the choices I’ve made and as my brain tries and fails to understand itself, I grow more frustrated with my limited scope. Life has been seemingly cruel and complicated latley and the anxiety has grown like a weed from my mind into my body, like a poison. It drains me of my energy and my desire to do good in my life. It is truly paralyzing and it all comes from within me. 

People tell me all the time “don’t sweat the small stuff, kid”, “It’ll get better when you’re done with school”, “there’s nothing in life to be this upset about”, but little do they know that all the “small stuff” to me, seems unbearable. I twist things in my mind until my thoughts are screaming at me. “You’re not good enough”, “they’re much better than you”, “you aren’t even trying” I desperatly wish I could turn the voices in my head off and sleep with a clear mind and a full heart again, but there is so much self hatred and uncertainty that lives within me now that I don’t know if I’ll get that peace of mind back again. 

Time is fleeting. Things are happening around me and I try my best to control my situation but I’m always failing and never finding success. The little areas of my life I have control over are what keep me sane and I don’t know when my life became like that. 

Anxiety is like drowning. I am aware that it is happening and I am doing the best I can to escape its clutches, but the more I fight it, the further it drags me under. Soon, my body is wrapped up in the current and its sweeping me away so quickly that I don’t even care to fight anymore. It consumes me while I am stuck in my own head, screaming underwater where no one can hear me as I silently suffer at my own hands. 

My heart. Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest. But not in a bad way. Like when I see your sleepy smile or hear your airy laugh. Small, fast, fleeting moments like that my heart plunges out of place in my chest and into your hands. I’d like to think that that is where my heart should always be, instead of ratteling around in my ribcage and stomache. 

But sometimes you turn away from me. I don’t think you do it intentionally, but it feels like I’m standing there offering you my hand but your just walk past it. How nice, I think, it would be to have someone that is equally as crazy about you, as you are with them. But that’s not real life. I know my soul well enough to know that I will always be the one that yearns more. You might love me, but not like I love you. 

I just wish someone would love me with their entire soul. No reservations. No expectations or criticisms. Someone who understands that if one day I burst into tears because sometimes the world is too heavy on my small shoulders, that all that is needed is your presence. 

Its happening again. As we speak. My mind is twisting my thoughts up until they’re no longer recongizable. Jumping from one subject to the next, injecting self doubt in every thought and turning every emotion I have into nothing. Soon I’ll be numb to what life has going on around me, and I can’t help but think that that is a welcome outcome at this point. Feeling every fucking emotion while being aware of it is slowly killing me. 

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest, like what I’m feeling is too much for it to take. One day I’m sure it will be and then I’m not sure that it’ll ever find its way back to life. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest, like what I’m feeling is too much for it to take. I feel it. The sudden drop in my stomach and the pain that lingers there. It happens so frequently I wonder if my heart is used to leaping off the cages of my ribs. 

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest. Like when I become anxious about my future or my life. That feeling makes me second guess all the choices I’ve made and as my brain tries and fails to understand itself, I grow more frustrated with my limited scope. Life has been seemingly cruel and complicated latley and the anxiety has grown like a weed from my mind into my body, like a poison. It drains me of my energy and my desire to do good in my life. It is truly paralyzing and it all comes from within me. 

People tell me all the time “don’t sweat the small stuff, kid”, “It’ll get better when you’re done with school”, “there’s nothing in life to be this upset about”, but little do they know that all the “small stuff” to me, seems unbearable. I twist things in my mind until my thoughts are screaming at me. “You’re not good enough”, “they’re much better than you”, “you aren’t even trying” I desperatly wish I could turn the voices in my head off and sleep with a clear mind and a full heart again, but there is so much self hatred and uncertainty that lives within me now that I don’t know if I’ll get that peace of mind back again. 

Time is fleeting. Things are happening around me and I try my best to control my situation but I’m always failing and never finding success. The little areas of my life I have control over are what keep me sane and I don’t know when my life became like that. 

Anxiety is like drowning. I am aware that it is happening and I am doing the best I can to escape its clutches, but the more I fight it, the further it drags me under. Soon, my body is wrapped up in the current and its sweeping me away so quickly that I don’t even care to fight anymore. It consumes me while I am stuck in my own head, screaming underwater where no one can hear me as I silently suffer at my own hands. 

My heart. Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest. But not in a bad way. Like when I see your sleepy smile or hear your airy laugh. Small, fast, fleeting moments like that my heart plunges out of place in my chest and into your hands. I’d like to think that that is where my heart should always be, instead of ratteling around in my ribcage and stomache. 

But sometimes you turn away from me. I don’t think you do it intentionally, but it feels like I’m standing there offering you my hand but your just walk past it. How nice, I think, it would be to have someone that is equally as crazy about you, as you are with them. But that’s not real life. I know my soul well enough to know that I will always be the one that yearns more. You might love me, but not like I love you. 

I just wish someone would love me with their entire soul. No reservations. No expectations or criticisms. Someone who understands that if one day I burst into tears because sometimes the world is too heavy on my small shoulders, that all that is needed is your presence. 

Its happening again. As we speak. My mind is twisting my thoughts up until they’re no longer recongizable. Jumping from one subject to the next, injecting self doubt in every thought and turning every emotion I have into nothing. Soon I’ll be numb to what life has going on around me, and I can’t help but think that that is a welcome outcome at this point. Feeling every fucking emotion while being aware of it is slowly killing me. 

Sometimes my heart stops dead in my chest, like what I’m feeling is too much for it to take. One day I’m sure it will be and then I’m not sure that it’ll ever find its way back to life. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

Out Of The Fire, I Burn Again

With a quiet heart and a clear mind, I am making the conscious choice to love my life.

Life has come at me in a really bad way lately. Negatively and harshly from my perspective. Life has been attacking my heart and my mind and eating away at my self-esteem, my relationships with other people and my relationship with myself.

But I will turn my face to God and to love and happiness and turn away from negative vibes and harsh feelings.

[maicollectionofchaos]

There’s a lot going on lately:

My life is chaotic. It really is. It is one chaotic event after another and I always think that I’m getting to the top of the mountain, but I look up and I just see a longer road than before. 

Lots of things have overpowered me lately. I used to think I was superwoman, Able to overcome my self-hatred, my loneliness, my self-consciousness and the dark parts of my heart. I used to think that if I acted like I was happy enough, then maybe one day I would be. I used to think that I could bury myself in other people and use their hearts to fill my own. I put too much bank on my personal relationships and not enough on the relationship I have with myself. Why do I always do that?

So, just to get it all out there, I’m drowning. I suffocate in myself and my own thoughts daily and I search for just about anything to get rid of the screaming that happens internally inside my head. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Well, actually if I am being honest, it doesn’t. I bury my feelings into the deepest corners of my being until I am so overwhelmed that I drown in it. It happens without warning and there is no saying when it will end. 

When this happens, I usually collapse in and give up because I am so mentally exhausted. It pushes people away and it makes me hate myself more. I think that my endless spiral of self-hatred and exhaustion is wearing my relationship with Christian down. I don’t think he gets it, what it is like to see and feel everything. It's awful having a soul that is wounded by the slightest change.

Since I am being honest here, I think he’s straying. Maybe nothing serious yet, but I think I have lost his  full, undivided attention. How horrible it is to have given someone all of you just to watch them slowly give the pieces back. I am not even sure what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay?  

There are really only a few options. I leave, and die and find myself reborn at some point, or I stay and let him leave me, or I find a way to be enough. 

To be enough. That’s such an odd idea. 

The thing is, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and that might include myself. I get lost in the way he makes me feel sometimes and I drown in the sorrows he creates. His happiness means more to me than my own. I love his mind and his body and his real soul. I think that I might know his soul as well as my own. 

I think my real problem is my self-doubt. I wasn’t so fixated on my negative emotions last year and I think that that is what is driving him further from me. I need to love myself and I need to learn to be more positive. 

The road back from this hole that I have buried myself in will not be easy, but I have to do it for me. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

I’m suffering again, and I don’t know how to stop it. I can feel it creeping into my life again and I think that I’m strong enough every time to defeat it, but I can only keep it at bay for a split second. The next thing I know, it is lodged up under my ribcage and jabbing me with every breath. 

I’m suffering again and I don’t know how to tell Christian. I’m deeply afraid that he’ll see me as weak and walk away. He’s not used to this. He’s not used to having someone like me clinging to his sleeve and I feel more pathetic about myself every time it happens. But it’s out of my control. I can’t seem to wrangle it in. I’m suffering at the hands of him, but without him even knowing. I doubt he’ll ever really know the depth of my feelings or the way my heart aches. 

I’m suffering again and I’m all alone. With Maria and Alex gone, I don’t have girlfriends to run to. I don’t make friends easily and when I do have them, they usually run far away from me. I don’t maintain relationships with other people. They take one look at the mess I am and decide that they don’t have room in their life for another box of someone else’s problems in their neat little life. 

I’m suffering again, and I’m all alone. My family rarely speaks to me, and I think it is because they too, can see that I am a self-made, self-destructive asshole. My two sisters will probably grow up without really knowing me. My parents will know me as their first born, but I come in last when it comes to level of relevancy. My mother hurts me all the time, and she doesn’t even know it. 

The ironic thing is that I used to be so sure of myself. Of who I wanted to be and who I was going to become. But these days, I’ve just been a robot. Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat. My demons have figured out how to hurt me and they plant evil things inside my head. “You’re not pretty enough.” “You weigh too much” “He’ll never stay faithful.” “You’re not making enough.” “You don’t do well enough.” These things resonate through my thoughts daily and keep me from being who I really want to be. 

I guess I don’t understand why it feels like my heart is a fucking canyon and I feel it ache every time I breathe. It is paralyzing. I feel it well up inside my chest cavity and I try to fight it but it brings fiery tears to my eyes. The slightest thing will set me off and I have zero control. My body betrays me by letting the tear spill over the dam and I am never able to hide what I’m truly feeling in person. 

I just wish that these feelings would subside. I feel like my anxiety has gotten worse as I grow older. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

A Letter For You on Christmas

I think a lot about the way I love you. I love you in a way that I’ve never loved anyone. I love you in a way that consumes me and I long, everyday, to find new ways to love you. 

When we first met, I didn’t know what hit me. One day I was fine by myself and living my individual life and a couple days later, I couldn’t stop thinking about the way your lips touched my thrid knuckle on my right hand as you gently planted a kiss there. 

I didn’t plan on loving you. I didn’t plan on becoming your best friend or becoming addicted to the way your hald felt when it rubs my shoulders after a long day of work. I didn’t plan on you at all. 

But now that I have you, all I can see is how much I have gained since you swept right into my life. I have gained a better half and a pair of blue eyes that look back at me before I fall asleep at night. I have gained a steady hand to hold and a smile to laugh at the world with. I have gained a body to jetpack late at night and a soul to love more than my very own. 

You are my best friend in the universe and I love  every single thing about you. Your long eyelashes and your messy hair. Your perfect smile and your calloused hands. I love your messy handwriting and your drunken kisses. 

You are everything I want and a billion times more. You make me a better, kinder, more trusting and more loving person just by existing in my world. You enrich my life and awaken my soul and you’ve done it since the way we met. 

I was not planning on you and I was not planning on falling in love with you and that smile of yours, but I did and I would not change for the world, what fate has given me. 

I love you more than words could ever express and I have loved you that way for less than a year. I can only dream of the future that we have together. 

Merry Christmas, my love. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

This Is What It Feels Like

This is what it feels like to have everything that I want // need right now. It feels like I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind to and that even though I hit obstacles along the way, that I will always come out on top. 

It feels like I have the love of my life in my universe and that he makes me the most happy. I have a lover, a boyfriend, a best friend, a soulmate and a keeper of my secrets. Christian makes me blissful and I have never experienced sincerity like this before. 

It feels like I am finally in the right job. I might struggle with my bills and the way that I spend my money, but it doesn’t matter to me because I have found somewhere where I am respected and I have never had that before in a job. I also have job security, which is something I have never had before either. It’s amazing. This job at Estetica has changed my attitude about a lot of things in my life. I find myself more positive and more giving and caring and less harsh and unforgiving. It’s amazing. 

It feels like I am slightly alone. My two best friends are off experiencing their lives abroad in school for the next six months. I forsee a lighter social life in the coming months, but for the first time in a while, I don’t see that as a bad thing. I have found a way to be okay with being lonely. 

It feels like the year between 19-20 has changed my life in almost every aspect. I have grown and loved and cherished and lost and changed and moved forward with my life, day by day, night by night. There is so much more to my life than what there is now, and I cannot wait to experience it, eyes wide open, and heart unmolested. 

It feels like I am finally where I am supposed to be and I didn’t think that I would find myself like this. It is amazing and it is everchanging and it is life. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

Collection of my thoughts. A year in reflection. Goodbye 2015.

It has been an interesting year for me. It’s been a year that has not been so much focused on loss, as it was last year, but gains. I have gained so much this year and the blessings just keep on coming.  I find it rare that I have a moment or the will to write about my life and deeply reflect on it, but I think that it is important to do, and January is just around the corner. 

It is amazing what a difference a year can make. This time, last year I had a heavy heart for Tyler and a new adventure starting with Christian. I was unsure of my standings with either of them and I grew tired of my many mood swings. This year, I am preparing to take a road trip with the love of my life to a city that I love to listen to music that makes me feel alive. I can’t believe that this year has been so good to me. I have gotten to experience so much happiness and love and joy this year as well as growing up more quickly than expected. In the past year I’ve gone through three serious jobs, two apartments, and had my share of lows and highs. I now have a job that I am in love with and that makes  me feel like I am doing excelling at. I’ve never had that before. Peace of mind and job security. I am excited to see if I advance forward and can handle more responsibility. 

I have now, the most wonderful soul as my companion, and it will almost be a year of our great story. I can’t believe it. Me and Christian continuously grow and learn from each other and I find new ways to love and adore him every day. I can only hope that our adventure continues and this is something that I want to last. I have in him a best friend and a lover and a companion. It is silly and it is loving and it makes me the happiest I have ever been. Yet it is not so childish that I turn into the person I was with Tyler. Christian keeps me in my place and I do the same for him. It is a partnership. 

I have two great friends that are off on new adventures and I am excited for them. Alex is headed for Australia and Maria is off to Brazil. Although I am stuck here for the rest of the semester, I can’t help but be excited for them and the things that they will gain.  

I am infinitely changing and growing and I struggle daily with myself. But I love the life that I am living and the people that are in it and it may be hectic at times, but it is my life. 

Here is to 2016. May you be as good to me as this past year has. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

A description.

[maicollectionofchaos]

I am slipping into depression again and it is taking me with every breath I take. 

I can feel it eating at the back of my skull, and throwing its roots down into my soul. I can’t believe that this is happening to me again. 

I don’t know how to stop it. And I don’t know if I should surrender to it and let it take me, or if I should fight with all I have to keep it from swallowing me entirely. 

I am slipping into depression again. And it’s taking me with every breath I take. 

[maicollectionofchaos]

I think I’m gonna be in love with you my whole damn life, I really do. And it terrifies me because I look at you, sleeping with your head resting on my shoulder, and your quiet breathing, and all I see is what I have to lose. You have the whole world inside you, and you don’t even know it. You have life and happiness and joy and you bring all of that into my life. You radiate happiness all around me, and that’s a lot to lose. If I woke up one day, without your hand clasped in mine, I think I’d stop breathing. I’m such a better person with you than I’ve ever been with anyone else. With you I’m honest and giving and happy and mature. Those are some qualities that my other lovers never got to see in me. You bring out the best qualities in myself and I think that if I’d ever lose you, I’d lose some of that light inside me. Maybe not forever, but for a long time. I don’t know. I want everything in the world with you. I want to continue to grow. I want to see you achieve all your dreams and I want to be the woman that helps you get there (not like you need any of my help.) I want to move in with you and build a life together as we both chase after our goals, hungrily and passionately. You’re as good as they get, my love. You have brought my sad heart back to life and made it new. I was never planning on loving you this much, but I’m never really in control around you anyways. And when we are together, naked in my bed, that’s the only place I ever want to be. I hear your breathing and I feel your fingers trance my spine and I can finally say I’ve found home in a person instead of a location. God, I can finally breath.

[maicollectionofchaos]

I am the loneliest person that I know. I mean, I feel like I have a lot of friends and somewhat fulfilling life with adventures and experiences but when I’m alone at night, it’s like I’m really alone. 

I feel trapped by the four walls of my room in my apartment, but not as trapped as I feel in my own mind. It’s like I can’t escape my daunting thoughts and my sidetracked mind. My mind always seems like it’s elsewhere. Looking for something more or expecting something different to happen. 

How much am I willing to sacrifice of myself? In my quest to prove my mother wrong. In my relationship with Christian. In my stubbornness to be independent. I am constantly giving away pieces of myself in my relationships and in my job and in almost any situation that I’m placed in. I keep giving out little sections of myself through compromisations and acting like everything is fine. It’s draining. Everytime I compromise something unwillingly, I feel like I lose a part of myself. And that is okay with me. Because most of the time I feel like I’m getting something in return. I get a happy relationship or a happy boyfriend or a larger paycheck or a better memory. But I need to know that I am receiving just as much as I give out, because although I pretend I’m okay with shelling out pieces of myself, I fear that one day, I’ll run empty. 

I try so damn hard. I try hard every day to be a good person. To be a great girlfriend and a sister and a co-worker and a friend and everything that everyone wants from me around me. But I always seem to fall short. I never seem to make the right choice or say the right thing. Just always falling short. And I can’t seem to get a grasp of what it is to be caught up and to have my life actually together. I go through long wave lengths of success and failure.  

[maicollectionofchaos]

This Will Be My New Safe Space

I owe a lot of myself to my other blog. no-lies-just-love21.tumblr.com. 

I’ve grown up with it and used it for as long as I remember. It’s been a space where I’ve found myself and vented to myself and read other people’s beautiful words of poetry and of self-reflection. It’s where I became the best version of me. 

But this is a new page in the book. Almost literally. 

This blog will be mainly self-reflections of myself and my world around me. Less photos, more feelings. This where be where I’ll look back to re-live feelings and memories and where I come to sort through my mostly cluttered mind. 

Hopefully, this becomes the place where I let myself be honest with myself, about myself, and my life and somewhere where I’ll continue to find myself.

So here goes. New blog. New changes for revelations and resolutions.