maigirasoli

[maigirasoli]

“And what do I do with all of this hunger? What do I do with the parts of myself I still haven’t learned how to love; how do I even begin to take myself back?”

— Schuyler Peck, When Ana Comes Calling (via schuylerpeck)

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Swirls of PB happiness.

Salted PB choc chip nice cream with choc granola, creamy and dark choc PB, hemp seeds and chopped up vegan choc!

Perfect at any time of day for breakfast, as a snack, for dessert ✨

Trying to be more mindful this week!

[maigirasoli]

I know you see those old pictures and you think both ‘i need that back now’ and ‘it wasn’t even enough in the first place’.

I know you feel insecure and different and that your existence in this world is wrong. I know that you hurt.

I know you see that girl losing weight, I know you see him being admitted, I know you see her with a tube. I know you see them in the streets with those perfect thigh gaps, but somehow functioning too.

I know you’re remembering the numbers the rush of the weight loss. And I know that you miss that. I know you’re remembering the whirlwind of appointments and blood tests emergency appointments… consultants, psychiatrists, dietitians, cardiologists. You remember the deceit and lies, the terror, the emptiness, the desire for everything to be over, the agony and both the mental and physical torment. And somehow it still seems appealing.

I know there’s a mix of jealousy, nostalgia, regret, and disgust at yourself. You want to scream and shout and cry with frustration…this isnt what you asked for…this isnt what they promised…this isnt what you wanted. You weren’t even sick, not that bad anyway. Not low enough not for long enough not thin enough not bad enough. You have to go back to prove it was real, to prove you can do it. To prove you are not a failure, that you are above weakness.

But please, listen to me. 

That girl on the street…? She’s gone inpatient she’s gained back the weight. She looks just like you now. Joined the crew of the physical but not mental restoration. He’s going through refeeding- the oedema, the bloating, the agonising stomach pains and the night sweats, the shaking. They’re learning how to eat again, how to portion, they’re stepping on the scale with the weight rising, their bodies are changing. Uneven weight distribution, an entirely foreign body.

She’s managing at her job, she puts her make up on everyday and she smiles. But she sits outside of life, watching everyone participate and she’s there but she isn’t. And there is a hollow emptiness and an excruciating longing to join. 

He missed nights out with his friends, his mum’s birthday, he doesn’t go out anymore. Except to exercise of course. His existence is miserable, but he smiles all the time too- denying both to himself and to others that this life is not as wonderful as portrayed. 

She won’t keep her job. He won’t keep his girlfriend. They won’t keep their friends. She cry’s herself to sleep. He can’t even feel anymore. Heads are full of numbers and counting and berating voices. Everything is the same. Days any outsider would look into and swear it was the exact.same.day playing over and over and over. Dying or a life without living. Stuck. Surviving not living.

And maybe the best way to remind yourself of why you need to stay healthy and to ease the guilt isn’t by considering what is befalling others who get to remain in the twisted ideal that still tempts you. But if for now it’s what keeps you going then use it with all you have - it’s more then ok to. 

Remember that you don’t miss out on life. 

Remember that you will get through this. 

Remember you are not alone.

Remember this is a stage- and that one day you will be thriving. 

Remember that the ache to go back is not a truth. 

Remember that you get to live.

[maigirasoli]

Based off of this post by @ohbutwebestmakepeacewithit

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The thought that I’m “not sick enough” for treatment is a sign of sickness itself

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Things I Want to Say to My Body

Okay so, digestion would be great

Can I please have hunger signals now?

CALM DOWN WITH THE HUNGER SIGNALS!!!

Whats up with the languno on the boobs/arms/neck?  Those aren’t even the cold or necessary parts!!

You and Brain need to sit down and hash some things out.  Compromise.  

I know you’re overwhelmed and not used to having this much fuel, but thats no reason to freak out and light it all on fire (hot flashes/night sweats)

Whats your deal with bananas right now?  THEY DONT MAKE BANANA POPTARTS.

Can I have energy at 4pm when I need it for my workout instead of 9:22 am and 11:16pm?  

There is nothing actively threatening me.  Chill.

I’m so sorry…

Please forgive me.

[maigirasoli]

Guess what? You don’t need to wait until you’ve lost weight to start wearing cute clothes, makeup, doing your hair, and taking cute pictures of yourself! You don’t need to reach a certain goal before starting to be the person you want to be and gaining self-confidence (and if you’re worried about buying clothes that might not fit one day, you can always sell them online or give them to a thrift store!)

[maigirasoli]

[maigirasoli]

Your heart would break to see a dog’s bones protruding from its body. You wouldn’t judge a poodle for weighing more than a pug. You would not deprive a dog from food just so that it would be thinner than other dogs. You wouldn’t force a dog to throw up its food just because it ate more than usual. Remember these things; treat yourself and your body with the same kindness you would show another creature.

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things my therapist said that I need to remind myself of when I think I’m “Not Sick Enough” to have an ED or get help:

“you are sick enough to get help”

“you are suffering, and that’s reason enough to get help”

“your eating disorder won’t be satisfied until you are dead”

“you will never ever ever ever feel sick enough”

“you think you’re in control, but you’re not. your eating disorder is controlling you, and its time to take its power away”

“the real you isn’t in the driving seat right now, your ed is. ed is a reckless driver, and you can’t trust its decisions”

“your thoughts are not facts, your thoughts are lying to you"

“you are sick, you don’t need to be smaller to deserve help. you are sick right now and you need help, and that’s okay”

[maigirasoli]

Everything feels different when you choose to eat. Sometimes, you feel really shitty, like it was a big mistake.

But then you have those days; the days where you eat and the negative thoughts and the sadness don’t exist. You should allow yourself to enjoy these moments.

Moments where you’re eating breakfast with your loved ones on a Sunday morning and you smile like crazy. The moments where you eat lunch by yourself and feel peaceful because you’re reading your favorite book, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence and feeling okay. The moments where you grab dinner with a good person and share a few laughs. The moments where you eat your favorite dessert and feel like crying, not because you’re sad, but because it tastes so fucking good!

Remember these moments when choosing to eat feels really shitty.

[maigirasoli]

Glamorize eating!!! Sunny picnics, lavish dinner parties, breakfast dates with pancakes and kisses, pizza eaten cold in your underwear at midnight, plates of pasta in the Italian countryside, cheese platters decorated with fresh figs, ice cream out of the pint with your best friend….glamorize it all! Make it beautiful and ~aesthetic~ to nourish your body and soul

[maigirasoli]

I am happy when I eat fresh fruit, when I burst out laughing, when I discover a new song, when I finish a good book, when I wake up and feel relaxed. I’m glad to have friends, family, a home, food when I’m hungry, hot water when I shower. I love being able to live and see the seasons change, to have gifts at Christmas and at my birthday, to travel sometimes, to have a good education and a great access to culture. I’m flattered when people compliment me, when people smile at me, when people are polite to me. There are so many things that make life so simple and easy and I will always think about them more than all the bad things that will happen to me. I do not have time to be sad every day and ungrateful; I have every reason in the world to be happy.

A few reasons why I’ll always prefer living by elsablt (via thelittleyellowdiary)

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hey guess what…..even if you’re at a “normal” bmi….you might need to ask yourself….”can i maintain this weight without any disordered behavior?” if the answer is no….that’s not your body’s set point..!! and you will function 8 million times better once you let your body settle where it feels most comfortable. it is okay to gain weight.

[maigirasoli]

we all deserve a “did you eat” person in our lives

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I keep getting really bad ED nostalgia. Like I hear a song from when I was my lowest weight, or eat something I ate when home from hospital. Every little thing is reminding me of how things used to be and I hate to say it but part of me wishes to go

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An important reminder:

(Please read thoroughly)

You know the whole “Every 62 minutes, someone dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.” In reality, the number of deaths in that statistic is probably a decent amount higher, as many people go unsuspected and without diagnosis, so their deaths are ruled as “sudden cardiac arrest,” etc.

When you hear those statistics, it’s the whole in-one-ear-out-the-other. It’s too impersonal to really take hold in your mind. You think, “Oh, that’ll never happen to me.” I’ll admit, this has been my mentality for quite a while.

Well, for me, this statistic has turned into much more than just a statistic, because a girl who I was in residential with just died from hers a couple days ago. It hit home, and it brought to light the fact that nobody is guaranteed safety from becoming another number in that statistic.

It’s weird to think that someone who struggled with the same thing as me, someone I know, is not ALIVE anymore. They’re gone. She’ll never get to wake up again, never go through her normal, daily routine, never have her own family or future. Her pets will wonder where she is, constantly waiting for her arrival that will never happen. She won’t be joining her family for Thanksgiving this week, or Christmas next month. Her parents will still have to pay off the insanely expensive treatment bills, even though it wasn’t enough to help her overcome this disease. Nothing will ever be the same in her, her family’s, nor her friends’ lives.

I know this is still impersonal because you don’t know me, nor her. But please remember the next time you decide to skip a meal; fast for days; exercise for hours; etc, that you’re tempting fate, you’re risking your life.

Eating disorders are not a game, diet, lifestyle, or choice. If you are are “trying” to develop one to lose weight, don’t. Once an ED takes hold, it won’t let go and you will be trapped in an endless cycle of misery. If you’re currently struggling with one and are in treatment; please don’t give up; keep fighting on even the hardest of days; and always listen to your treatment team, because even though it doesn’t always seem it, everything they do is in your best interest. If you’re struggling in silence, please, reach out to someone you trust and know will support you. You are NOT a burden on anyone.

Regardless of where you fall in the previous paragraph: You’re irreplaceable. You’re beautiful. You have potential and a future ahead of you. Most importantly, you matter and you’re worth it.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡