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[mainnalle]

AU where Dick gets de-aged and thinks that Jason is Bruce because they look really similar, and Jason is the around the age Bruce was when Dick was that age. When everyone tries explaining the situation to Dick he doesn’t really get it because he was de-aged to a time when his English isn’t great and he doesn’t understand as much about time/dimension travel and all that. Like Dick is smart enough to grasp that there’s something different about the situation and he can tell the small differences between his Bruce and Jason but he still doesn’t really get it and just decides that Jason is the next best thing until he gets his Bruce back. And every time the real Bruce says that he’s Bruce, Dick just shakes his head and goes “My Bruce isn’t old.” or “My Bruce doesn’t have gray hair.” or something like that. Eventually everyone just gives up trying to explain it all and lets him think whatever he wants.

They decide to let Jason handle him, mostly because Dick hisses anytime anyone else comes near. Jason, who remembers Bruce constantly singing Dick’s praises, and who has heard everyone speak about Dick as though he’s an angel, thinks this is going to be a walk in the park. It is not. Jason looks away for one moment and Dick’s climbing the walls (literally - not metaphorically). He goes to the bathroom and somehow Dick managed to climb out the window and is halfway downtown. He tries to sleep and Dick is in his room like a creepy ass ninja - staring down at him, waiting for something (Dick had a nightmare). He breathes and suddenly Dick is ranting about killing his parents’ murderer. He tries to help Dick with his English and the kid starts making up words. He decides that they should patrol so that Dick can let some of his energy out, and suddenly there’s a maniacal cackle and he’s surrounded by goons that were taken down in the most brutal sense (are those bite marks???)

Jason finally decides to push his pride aside and talk to Alfred and Bruce about, only for them to act like this is completely fucking normal??? Alfred even laughs at him and tells him that he’s lucky he doesn’t own a chandelier and only lives in a studio apartment. So, Jason tries to get help from some of Dick’s other friends, who do stop by and visit, but do NOT help and just say “good luck with that”??? Even the older members of the Justice League are no help. The only person who even offers to help Jason is DEATHSTROKE of all people, and Jason is almost desperate enough to consider it. It all ends when Jason finds a solution to the whole de-aging thing because he’s so tired of trying to take care of child Dick. Except Jason’s suffering doesn’t end because whenever he tries to talk about what kid Dick put him through, Dick tries to GASLIGHT HIM??? If Jason hears the words “It wasn’t that bad” one more time, he’s going to de-age that little shit again and drop him off on everyone else’s doorstep and see how much they like it.

[mainnalle]

On the idea of Jason and Damian knowing each other in the league and Jason teaching Damian and adding the whole idea of all the robins responding to “robin, report”:

Jason absolutely used those little call backs they use in elementary schools, like “1 2 3 all eyes on me!”

So please picture some situation, maybe Damian is arguing with someone and it’s getting way too heated, Jason just tells “hocus pocus” and Damian immediately “everybody focus” and he’s so mortified he just stops and blue screens

ok no i need to talk about this because it’s fucking genius and has opened my eyes to something that i need discussed more.

because if Jason was Damian’s tutor when they were in the league together, then he was Damian’s protector/teacher/authority figure when Damian was what. seven? six? eight? however you fuck with the timeline to make your au, it would be between 5-10 at least. that means that teaching wise, Jason wouldn’t have just been his combat tutor, he would have been Damian’s equivalent of a fucking elementary school teacher (primary school for brits) which has got to be one of the fucking MOST GOD TIER THINGS- i’m now just remembering back to my primary school days and thinking about how that could have gone for Damian and Jason.

-you are right, Jason 100% would use those callbacks constantly. growing up on the streets he was probably well used to having to corral groups of other little street kids anyway; he knows the drill when it comes to keeping little ones attention on him when it’s needed, and Damian is no different.

-my teacher used to whistle really loud and then go ‘back to the centre!’ when she wanted our class to come and sit on the floor in front of her while she spoke, so i’m now thinking that Jason probably has a specific whistle that he’s conditioned Damian to respond to. doesn’t matter where they are or what Damian’s doing, if he hears that whistle he instantly wanders over and plops down criss-cross apple sauce at Jason’s feet. one time Jason instinctively did it when he needed to point something out in the cave while they were both working on the same case and neither of them realised how odd it looked until after Jason said ‘ok you can go now,’ and Damian stood up to go back to whatever he was doing only to turn around and see Tim and Dick staring at them with the most baffled faces possible.

-after they were finished with training Jason used to get Damian to help him clean up the training grounds by setting a timer for a minute and challenging him to see how much he could get done before it went off. if the area was completely cleared when the time was up Damian got a treat. now whenever Damian’s being difficult and won’t help Bruce clean up the cave Jason just has to start counting down from 60 and Damian instantly starts rushing to clean as fast as he can.

-Jason totally has gold star stickers. Damian thinks they’re the most precious thing in the world. both Bruce and Dick have tried to buy their own stickers to reward Damian for good behaviour but Damian does not care. they’re only precious if they came directly from Jason’s LOA inscribed wooden box that he keeps in his desk. Bruce wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the fact that Jason keeps giving Damian stickers every time the kid comes up with an insult towards either Bruce or Tim that Jason decides is ‘particularly well placed’.

-Damian is mortified that all of these things have stuck within their relationship even though they’re now in Gotham. despite his hatred for it, however, he still instinctively views Jason as the teacher in his life. Bruce is absolutely devastated every time he painstakingly takes the time to teach Damian a new fighting move only watch Damian instantly cross across the cave to Jason’s side and ask that Jason ‘show me how to actually do it’ because he truly does have that childlike belief that as the teacher, Jason will know it better.

Bruce, watching Damian tug on Jason’s sleeve: …i used to be important.

Tim, biting into an apple: d’ya think we could get him to put Damian in time out?

Dick: i actually have seen him do that. Dami refused to stop training while Jason was talking to him so he made Dami sit in a corner for twenty minutes.

Tim:

Tim: incredible.

Bruce: i used to be a father.

Dick: *pats Bruce on the shoulder*

[mainnalle]

one of the funniest batkid tropes has to be the older kids constantly getting mistaken as the younger ones parent, especially when there’s literally like. a two year age difference between them like jason with tim. but even funnier is when it starts to get layers to it and the entire family tree gets fucked up.

-Tim and Damian out shopping-

Damian: here, buy these for me.

Tim, who has the credit card: *sigh* alright, c’mon then.

Tim, as he hands the stuff to the cashier: but after this we have to get food, you haven’t eaten all day.

Damian: tt. you are overbearing.

Tim: no, i’m doing my job by making sure you don’t die.

Damian: *rolls his eyes and leaves*

Cashier: aw, don’t worry, i had my first when i was young. you’re doing great!

Tim:

Tim:

Tim: . thank you.

-Jason taking Tim to the movies-

Jason: alright, what was it you wanted to see?

Tim: that new crime one, there. can i get the sweet popcorn too?

Jason: sure.

Movie theatre worker, handing over the tickets: here you go! enjoy the movie guys, and can i just say it’s so lovely to see a father and son spending time together like this.

Jason, has been mistaken for Tim’s dad so many times he no longer blinks: yeah haha, anything to get him out of his room, see you later.

Tim, as they walk away: so does this make you Damian’s grandfather?

Jason:

Jason: what?

-later-

Damian, bored as hell: so Todd, if you are my grandfather, and you have slept with my mother,

Jason: do not remind me

Damian: then mother is your ex, which means my mother is my ex grandmother.

Jason: …huh.

Dick: and if she went back to Bruce after you left the league, then your ex and Damian’s ex grandmother, is also your mother and damian’s new great grandmother.

Jason: no no no, do you not remember how many times you were called my dad before i died? Bruce is my grandfather, which means my ex is also my new grandmother and Damian’s… great… great grandmother? right? if i’m his grandfather and you’re his great grandfather then- yeah. Talia’s his great great grandmother.

Tim: Steph got called my mom once. we were dating at the time so that was weird.

Dick: Tim a lot of people seem to think you’re a young child. maybe it’s time to up the nutrition intake.

Damian: so after my grandfather broke up with my now-great great grandmother, he got with his son’s mother. so Brown is now my grandmother.

Dick: so Steph is my daughter-in-law?

Jason: wait wait why do i have to marry her? can’t we just be separated co-parents? isn’t she with Cass anyway?

Damian: so… you broke UP with your son’s mother, and now Drake has a father and two mothers, one of whom is his ex.

Dick: also i’ve had multiple people think me and Cass are twins, so.

Tim: My dad really can’t keep a woman.

Jason: w- hey people have thought me and Roy were a married couple, so maybe i can’t keep a woman because i’d rather a man!

Tim: so is lian my sister then?

Dick: somebody thought Roy was my cousin once, back when we were in the titans together.

Tim: last gala somebody assumed me and Duke were an item, so Damian is also Duke’s son.

Damian: so do i have the N word pass?

Tim: adopted son.

Jason: actually come to think of it, i knew Duke and his parents back when i was a street kid, and a lot of people who saw us hang out thought that i was his adopted older brother.

Dick: so Duke is… Tim’s… uncle? turned husband? and also Jason’s brother turned son? so he’s my son turned grandkid?

Tim: OH and once somebody thought Steph was Dick’s girlfriend.

Jason:

Dick:

Damian:

Damian: we need to get the whiteboard out for this-

Tim: -gonna make a graph-

[mainnalle]

Jason is afraid of spiders so he calls Damian to come get them and

Jason: come get it. Damian: *over the phone* are you on the table again? Jason: irrelevant. Come get it. Damian: I don’t have time for— Jason: either you get it or ima fuckin’ squish it. Damian: I’ll be there in five

[mainnalle]

Titans Tower AU where Jason met Tim during his first ever high-end event as a Wayne adoptee, and it ended with Jason hyperventilating alone on a balcony because a nine year old appeared behind him, tapped him on the shoulder, and politely and robotically inquired ‘do the hors d’oeuvres suit your taste, Mr Todd?’ and Jason was so stressed from the environment already that when he heard that kind of speech coming from a nine year old he freaked out and immediately assumed Tim was either possessed or in some other way a threat, and he instinctively karate chopped the kid in a nerve on his shoulders before bolting, and now looking back it was probably just some weird rich kid who didn’t know how to make friends and Jason totally physically assaulted him in a public place with witnesses and Bruce was probably going to hear about it and decide that he wasn’t cut out to be a Wayne and get rid of him and now he can hear Dick crying with laughter in the hall as he tries to locate Jason because as funny as it was to watch that happen he probably should help with whatever panic attack Jason just ran off to have after Tim collapsed, temporarily paralysed, and also he hit the champagne glass display on the way down so really there was no way they could avoid Bruce hearing about the incident-

years later, the Red Hood breaks into Titans Tower to beat up Timothy Drake, and upon revealing his identity and pinning him against the wall, Tim nervously whispers ‘oh god you aren’t going to paralyse me again, right?’

memories flooding back, Jason’s face goes red so quickly he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and instantly forgetting why he went to the tower in the first place he ends up letting Tim go on the promise that they never talk about that incident ever again. Slightly terrified, Tim agrees. Jason nods, stiltedly, and they awkwardly stand next to each other in the wrecked tower for 30 silent seconds before Tim eventually asks for help with his English essay, and, baffled, Jason says yes.

when Bruce shows up and wants to know what changed Hood’s mind, both of them refuse to say a word about it. it honestly scares Bruce how serious they are about their silence.

[mainnalle]

the JL probably stopped thinking that Batman was the greatest detective in the world like, the minute that any of the batkids started getting involved in team missions. they get to watch the Robins run circles around Bruce consistently and without hesitation and i bet they wonder how the fuck they ever thought he was untouchable.

*during a world threatening, all hands on deck emergency*

Batman: everybody understand the plan?

Flash: we’re good to go, on your word.

Batman: then lets get on with it.

Robin, picking up his katana: agreed, let us engage the enemy. and also real quick before we do, i have to tell you that i got suspended from school for two weeks for slamming another student’s head into a table. alright, lets go.

Batman, visibly doing a doubletake: -woah wait hold on, Damian-

Red Robin, scornfull: seriously B? you’re gonna get distracted and let THOUSANDS of people die, because of that little tidbit? what, and now i guess you’re gonna freak out because i got a DUI a few days ago?

Batman: YOU GOT A DUI-?

Robin: father, honestly, priorities.

Batman: i- uh-

The rest of the league, exchanging blank looks:

*massive explosion*

Batman: um- OK WE HAVE TO GO BUT WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER-

*after the fight, ten hours later, everybody is exhausted and covered in blood and dust*

Batman, wrapping gauze around Robin’s wrist: i… feel like there was something i was going to say earlier. regarding you.

The league, watching the Robins stay completely silent:

Red Hood, without blinking: yeah old man, you promised us all that you’d buy pizza on the way back to Gotham.

Batman: …i don’t remember saying th-

Nightwing: fucking course you don’t. first you forget to tell me my little brother dies until after his funeral, now you forget to feed me. are you gonna forget to invite me over for game night, too?

Batman:

Robin: *silently making an ‘a-ok’ gesture behind Bruce’s back*

Batman: …right. yeah. that must have been it. we’ll get pizza ordered to the manor.

Superman, leaning over to Green Arrow: do you think he’ll be ok alone with them? they’re kinda mean

Green Arrow: no i knew that man in college. he brought this on himself.

[mainnalle]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/66375526 THAT FIC RIGHT HERE I RECOMMEND SO FUCKING MUCH AWHG

Nyway, imagine Tim and Jason after this discover the existence of SCP elements. And decide to hunt the supernatural down alone, like Sam and Dean from the first seasons. First because it would totally be a pain in the ass to have Batman on for real Supernatural experiences and second because; They're the only ones that lived through the experience. They share a common nightmare now!

Just want to see your takes on this..

i read this after work yesterday and dude i gotta say that fic was so fucking good, i LOVE psychological horror this was so fucking cool.

i do really fucking love the idea of jason coming across something supernatural in nature and being like ‘well i need either tim or bruce here for the paranoia check. and bruce is fucking annoying so here we go.’ and thats how we get the gotham ghostbusters, two strained brothers with a very violent history who are fighting the weird and insane (more than usual for gotham anyway) cases of the city with nothing but tim’s spite and need to be aware of Everything Happening In The City, and jason’s spite and need to Get That Shit Out Of Gotham Because He Read The Shining As A Kid And Fuck The Fuck No.

its also just very funny that neither of them particularly wanted to be there. this is the supernatural duo i want. two bros who are only bonding over this very begrudgingly and half the time they don’t even solve the case they just decide No and burn all the evidence instead.

[mainnalle]

big fan of damian and tim having a very precious relationship specifically because they’re antagonistic towards each other. like i feel like that should be so special to damian. he spent his entire early life at the league of assassins, where people either treated him like the heir of the demons head, somebody to be feared, or an opportunity to either throw a coup or eradicate weakness from the main bloodline of the loa; somebody to torture and attempt to kill. then he goes to gotham where bruce…. is complicated. he was gone pretty much immediately after damian arrived, and when he came back trying to settle into a father-son relationship was just. very difficult. his relationship with dick is similarly muddled because he views dick more of a father than he does bruce, so rather than brotherly they’re more parental-child coded. jason’s been his bodyguard/protector since before he came to gotham, so although he looks up to jason from a combat perspective, jason’s more of a protector than a casual brother.

but tim? they’ve been at each other’s throats since they first met. even after they settled into the roles of robin and red robin and damian no longer felt like tim was a threat to his place in the family, they didn’t exactly stop being assholes to each other. they argue and insult each other constantly, steal each others things, get on each others nerves, barge into each others rooms, shove each other into walls and chairs; and over all fuck each other over on minor counts every single day.

and damian finds it so fucking refreshing.

tim is the only one he can argue with on a non-life threatening basis. the only one who will give him back as good as he gives. who he can roughhouse with without it being an all-out fight/spar. who is, quite simply, his brother. and for tim? damian is his only younger sibling, and probably the only one in the family that treats him like an equal. all the others are constantly trying to take care of him; enforcing sleeping habits and trying to keep him out of the rougher cases. jason out of guilt for the titans tower incident and dick because thats his little brother. but with damian there isn’t any of that, they can yell and trip each other all they want, tim knows that damian will let him live his life how he chooses, and he sure as fuck doesn’t think tim needs his protection 24/7.

anyway i just like to think in a family of paranoid vigilantes, everybody probably assumes there’s bad blood between the two youngest, when in reality they’re closer than ever. damian and tim fight constantly because they find it entertaining and refreshing, not because they actually want to hurt each other in a genuine way. i need more introspective fics going deeper into the developing relationship of the two younger ones in a family of overprotective vigilantes that can only seek independence and solace in each other.

[mainnalle]

i know there’s a lot of different interpretations of Gotham’s layout and the different areas, and i generally don’t consider them to be close to each other, but i have seen other interpretations that put the narrows and crime alley quite close together,,, and it has my mind spinning because man. there has got to be a way to get Duke and Jason to be pre-batman childhood friends, right?!

generally speaking, prime-batfam-fic-au-ages usually put Tim at around 14-15 when Red Hood appears, only a few years younger than Jason who i always like to be 17 during his prime Red Hood days because,, well because its funnier for Batman to be struggling up against a teenage crime lord rather than just a crime lord. Damian is usually then introduced as anything from 10-13 when he comes to Gotham and we know that Duke is the second youngest of the batfamily, between Tim and Damian in age. so really, Duke could be somewhere around 13/14 when Red Hood first appears. that gives them only like a 3/4 year age difference.

i’m just imagining a world where street-kid Jason is doing his thing wandering around, probably already serving as a caretaker/protector figure for some of the other street kids because that’s just who Jason is, when he comes across this fuckin. eight year old kid. just fucking shit up somewhere. he finds out this kid actually does have parents and has no reason whatsoever to be antagonising local gang members on the edge of the narrows without supervision and so Jason steps in and takes him home. Duke loved meeting Jason, Duke’s mom got her kid returned, and Jason got a free dinner as thanks from the little guys parents for herding him back home. everybody wins.

except Duke keeps fucking coming back. he actually starts purposely trying to get to crime alley so he can go meet with his new, older, sophisticated friend (during dinner Jason got into a twenty minute discussion about classic literature with his mother, Duke’s doesn’t care that his new friend is homeless he 100% views Jason as fancy) that he met a few weeks back. and so Jason is stuck just continuously finding this kid alone in the streets, hanging out with him, ushering him back to his parents house, and begrudgingly starting to like Duke because as annoying it is that he has no fucking self preservation, he is kinda funny.

obviously they would lose contact due to both of their lives becoming somewhat complicated later down the line; they probably forget about each other for a few years, i just think it would be funny if some time after Red Hood settled into a truce with the family he showed up to the manor for a rare occasion of agreeing to spend the evening with them, and Dick greets him at the door like,

Dick: hey man. heads up, B found another one.

Jason: …already? i JUST let him keep Damian.

Dick: yeah. this one’s a meta.

Jason:

Dick: come meet him! we’ve been telling him that Red Hood is his brother now, he doesn’t believe we have a truce.

and then they walk into the dining room and Duke is stood there and he and Jason both just kinda. stop. not even shocked, just staring at each other blankly. processing. Jason slowly narrows his eyes and Duke tilts his head upwards slightly, and everyone is just looking between them in confusion until Dick, who was there when Damian showed up at the manor, started going out as Robin, and got into exactly the same kind of stand off with Red Hood right before they found out that Hood was adopted by Talia in the league and was already Damian’s brother, and he just throws his hands up to curse ‘god FUCK he knows this one already too. are you kidding me?!’

Duke, pointing at Jason: you have guns now?!

Jason: you have META POWERS NOW?!

Duke: YOU WERE ROBIN?!

Jason: I SWEAR YOU HAD PARENTS?!?!

Duke: I THINK WE SHOULD CATCH UP.

Jason: SO DO I.

Bruce, honestly so tired: whatever this is, could you do it while we eat? Alfred already served.

-

Dick, to Jason: can you stop meeting our younger siblings before Bruce does?

Jason: can you make Bruce stop adopting everybody i meet when he isn’t around?

i also just think it would be funny if little kid Duke Thomas sees on the news that Jason Todd, his weird kinda older-brother/mentor/street protector figure has been adopted by Brucie Wayne and carted off to the elite side of Gotham to drink from crystal glasses and discuss Important Things with the rich people during galas, and his little eight year old mind remembers watching Jason enthusiastically discuss the underlying tones in Jane Austin novels over afternoon tea after dragging Duke back home from the alley way he was trying to befriend stray cats in, and he’s just like. ah. Jason has been taken to his natural habitat. he shall thrive.

meanwhile Jason is having a panic attack in a cupboard mid charity gala because while stressfully trying to fit in and talk with the crowds of elites, a woman jokingly said he looked ‘so cute all dolled up for these events, like Bruce has a new purse dog to showcase!’ and Jason instinctively called her a plant-pot shaped twat with cactus legs only to realise that this wasn’t the streets and he probably shouldn’t insult people like that and now he’s worried that the woman is going to snitch to Bruce and Bruce is going to realise he isn’t cut out for this and throw him away-

and then years down the line when Duke is taken to his first fancy elite event he stands next to Jason like ‘you probably loved these things as a kid, right?’ and Jason just stares at him for a real long time.

[mainnalle]

Damian settling in to life at the manor but he keeps forgetting that Jason is supposed to be dead and after a slip up where he mentions an interaction he had with Jason recently in front of the bats he panics and just tells them he’s a medium and that he can see and talk to Jason’s ghost. unfortunately that just makes things worse because now the family all think Damian can speak to dead people and they keep asking him to get victim’s information on murder cases and Damian has to keep bullshitting answers and desperately hope that he’s somehow on the money so they don’t figure out he’s lying. eventually it gets to the point where Damian is doing double detective work; doing the case normally with the bats and then sneaking off alone to solve the case ahead of time so that when Bruce asks him to use his abilities to get information he already has it on hand and can pretend a ghost told him who the murderer is.

eventually, of course,

Bruce: we have reason to believe that Red Hood wasn’t wearing his helmet when he made this kill; however nobody alive saw his identity. Damian, do you think you could contact the victim and find out what Hood looks like? That way we could have a profile sketch to add to his case.

Damian:

Damian: *deep sigh*

-later, on the phone-

Jason: you never fail to entertain me, little buddy

Damian: may i remind you i’m doing this for your benefit. help me.

Jason: i mean i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do about it, just lie about what i look like.

Jason: OH- tell him i look exactly like Scarface.

Damian:

Damian: you want me. to say you look exactly like a famous movie character. and you think that will go well, do you?

Jason: when i was a kid Bruce told me he’d never seen the movie before so i made him watch it with me, and i swear he fell asleep like three minutes in. he swore on his life he paid rapt attention but i don’t believe him. if he doesn’t clock that you’re lying, then i’ll finally have confirmation and justice will prevail.

Damian:

Damian: i don’t think you take this as seriously as i do

Jason: womp womp, just do it

Damian: how are you the older brother out of the two of us

-

Damian, handing over a perfect sketch of Scarface: this is what i got from following the victim’s descriptions.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: *pinning it to a case board* incredibly detailed, amazing job, son. now-

Dick, stepping forward: isn’t that-?

Tim, putting a hand on Dick’s elbow and whispering: hold on, hold on. clearly he’s lying, but Bruce is fucking dumb, and wouldn’t you rather watch for a bit and see how this plays out, before we go digging for the truth?

Dick:

Dick: a fair point- great sketch, Dames! we’ll have Hood in no time with facial recognition like this!

[mainnalle]

absolutely iconic if jason incidentally meets all of his siblings before bruce adopts them.

he goes to see the circus and meets dick, steph and duke go to his school until he drops out and then he bumps into them on the street, he meets cass and tim as robin, he meets damian in the league.

just. jason assembling his own family and bruce has like divine dowsing rod knowledge of exactly what kids to adopt because jason knows them. even before he meets jason.

jason even meets alfred and leslie before he meets bruce. leslie because of the clinic and alfred because he sneaks into an author signing at one of the libraries to hear them read part of the book aloud. alfred sits next to him in the audience and they chat after the reading is done.

every time bruce goes to introduce jason to someone he’s got him beat. and it sucks because they like cosmically have the same taste in who should be family. and it pissed jason off because he’s exactly like his dad.

alternatively this is bruce’s way of desperately endearing jason to him, and it annoys jason to no end. every now and then batman will show up to a massive group of people and hold up a photo of red hood and everyone will expect the normal gotham ritual of ‘have you seen this guy? he’s missing/wanted for a crime’ except this time bruce will go ‘have you seen this man? he’s missing AND wanted for many crimes but this isn’t about that, this is about luring him back. any of you know him?’ and if any of the kids tentatively raise their hand batman will go ‘how would you like to be a vigilante?’ and it gets jason back to the manor for a few weeks with like an 80% success rate every time.

[mainnalle]

Au where Batman doesn't want to tell the Justice League his secret identity but it's because he's really embarrassed about the things he's done as Bruce Wayne.

The thing is; Batman has spent years crafting and perfecting his public persona.

'Brucie Wayne' is supposed to be a dumber than life himbo, with daddy's credit card and the maturity of a seventeen year old. He's supposed to be someone so outlandishly ridiculous no one would ever even dare to mention him in the same sentence as Batman... And Batman has been acting that part perfectly.

It's a genius plan.

But then the league begins talking about maybe all sharing their secret identities, to become closer as a group and work better together. And the only thing in Batman's mind is 'Oh. My. God. Please don't'

Superman is saying something about trust and how he has come to value all of them as friends. Batman is thinking about last year Christmas' Gala, where he took off his clothes in an improvised strip-tease, and started swimming in the fountain.

Wonder woman is talking about how she wishes to strengthen their bonds so they become greater warriors. Bruce just remembered there's videos of him fucking twerking and pole dancing to Ariana Grande all over the internet.

Flash starts smiling and telling them he already trust them with his life– Bruce once said chocolate milk came from brown cows.

'Oh. My. God'.

There's just no way he's telling any of them.

[mainnalle]

did y’all know that in victorian times it was really common after somebody died, that their family members would clean up the corpse, prop them up, and take post mortem photos with them?

Jason kills the Joker and instead of being normal about it he decides to antagonise Bruce by taking professional photos with the guys corpse in different outfits and poses while in full Red Hood gear and leaving them in the batcave for Bruce to find. he thinks it’s hysterical. Bruce thinks it’s psychologically damaging and he has no fucking clue how to get Red Hood to leave him alone OR how he can even get into the fucking batcave. eventually Tim finds Jason without a mask leaving another photo and figures everything out.

Tim: so you’ve just been doing this for months? isn’t the corpse like… decayed?

Jason: no i took like a hundred in advance before i cremated the fucker. so i can do this for like another year.

Tim, remembering the shit he had to go through on his 16th birthday so really Bruce has what’s coming to him:

Tim: that’s actually kinda funny.

Jason, delighted: right?!? i still have the suit i was buried in, too, so i’m thinking of making myself look corpse-like for a couple selfies and taking it one step further.

Tim: ok well that’s diabolically cruel.

Tim:

Tim: you know i’m somewhat of a photographer myself…

Jason: this is the start of a beautiful secret friendship, Replacement.

[mainnalle]

Damian defends the Red Hood. the family doesn’t know why, but it’s concerning. what reason would their youngest have to defend a crime lord? there must have been something more to it.

even after the identity reveal, Damian refuses to step down. the moment he perceives the family as being unfair to Jason, the moment they seem to overlook him or brush him off, Damian will be there to tell them off and remind them that, actually, Jason was talking first.

what’s probably even more dumbfounding to them by that point is that Jason lets it happen. it forces them to realize that Jason hardly fights for himself, to be heard or acknowledged. and for those of them that had been there when Jason first joined the family? it’s a painful reminder of the skittish boy they had first got to know

Damian takes his duties of brother very seriously. when Jason first joined their family back in Nanda Parbat, his mother had been very clear when explaining to him that his brother was in no state to speak or stand up for himself due to his catatonic state. Damian had made it his mission then to not only defend but also promote his brother’s interest. it would be unbecoming of him to let anyone diminish or take advantage of the more vulnerable member of their family until he could do it for himself

except that time never did happen. Damian still jumps to Jason’s defence at a moment’s notice and Jason still gets a little choked up when he gets to witness how how protective his little brother still is of him

[mainnalle]

it’s so funny to me that in a lot of fics after Tim’s parents die and he’s adopted and moved into Wayne manor, he still just… owns the mansion next door. like Drake manor is just right there, fully furnished and empty, fully inherited by Tim. and he just kinda leaves it there. probably forgets he owns it. how much do you wanna bet the others absolutely do NOT forget that next door is also owned by the family?

how much do you wanna bet that at least twice a month Bruce freaks the fuck out because Damian’s been missing for two days and eventually they track him down to find that he’d just walked over to Drake manor to avoid being told to help Alfred dust and then… couldn’t be bothered to walk back. figured that technically Drake manor could also be ‘home’ and made himself comfortable. is napping in Tim’s childhood bedroom when they find him and is completely unapologetic about eating the food in his kitchen.

how much do you wanna bet that Tim gets a call from the weekly cleaner that he totally forgot was being paid from his bank account to maintain Drake manor, only to be told by a slightly terrified cleaner that she tried to go in to mop the kitchen and found a fucking crime lord in nothing but sweatpants and his helmet, ranting to an ‘oracle’ about some kind of ‘drug drop off’ that he ‘needed off Batman’s radar’, because Jason was too tired to motorcycle all the way back to Crime Alley after a debrief but didn’t want to have to be around Bruce so he just kinda broke into Tim’s old house and has been casually chilling there for the past week while he worked on a case.

how much do you wanna bet that one time Bruce grounded Tim for two weeks and Tim was so annoyed about it that to be petty he snuck out and went back to Drake manor. Bruce was so fucking mad because Tim directly ignored his orders and he couldn’t even do anything about it because every time he brought it up he got loud claims of ‘yOU TOLD ME TO GO TO MY ROOM SO I WENT TO MY FUCKING ROOM, B, I DON’T WANNA HEAR SHIT FROM YOU-!’

how much do you wanna bet when eventually Tim can’t be bothered to deal with the insurance forms and he sells Drake manor, he mentions having to hand over his keys and instantly every single batkid starts digging around in their pockets and producing two or three keys to Drake manor because over the years they’ve all just kinda. been using it. whenever. Tim had no fucking clue they’d made keys. he’s so confused. it gets so much funnier when the next day Tim shows up to the estate agents to drop off his plastic tub of keys for the new owner and he fucking finds Jason Todd there ready to receive them.

“I make a lot of money in my line of work,” he says. “figured it was time for a summer house.”

“you hate being close to Bruce.”

“not as much as Bruce hates shoddy neighbours. i’m going to make his life hell.”

“you made me carry this box of keys for nothing.”

“yeah you can hand those back out actually, i really don’t care who goes in there.”

“I hate you.”

“Don’t be rude to your new neighbour.”

[mainnalle]

second funniest part of utrh movie is the death in the family short where bruce is explaining everything that happened in utrh to clark in that diner and he’s talking about how all the clues were slotting together about who the red hood is and he goes ‘and now we had reason to believe that the red hood might even know my identity.’ as it shows the clip of red hood outright looking batman in the fucking eye and going ‘oh hey bruce how’ve you been’ and then speeding off on a motorcycle. bruce tries to save face with superman so bad and jason is just not letting him have it

[mainnalle]

Imagine Jason never reveals his identity and stays with the league and becomes a super good assassin and deathstroke famous. The batfam has nothing on the guy except for his alias, part of his kill count(the jokers death is also include), and blurry pictures of him. Then one day Damian finds his file and starts adding random stuff to it like he's super annoying, favorite color, the longest time he stayed up, pictures of both him and Damian in costume, ect... But Damian never puts anything that could give his identity away. The next time the batfam open his file the are shocked of what they find and that Damian knows the guy and calls him brother.

they figure out Hood’s identity because they realise Damian only uses these specific insults when defacing two (2) things. 1. Red Hood’s case file. 2: Jason Todd’s memorial case.

i also just find this idea really funny because of how fucking infuriating Bruce would find Damian once he realised Damian knew Hood.

“I need information on Red Hood, Damian. What can you tell me?”

“One time he shot a spitball at Grandfather while Grandfather was lecturing him on professionalism in front of guests, and the spitball went into Grandfather’s mouth. he almost got thrown in the pit again.”

“I meant important information, Damian. What’s his name? Age? Origin?”

“Oh. mind your own business.”

and then Tim in the background eating chips just like “I personally feel like knowing he can get away with spitting in Ra’s mouth is incredibly important information, actually, and this guy might be my new personal hero-“