mainnas

[mainnas]

yall look at this shit ad*be is tryna pull now on ppl who have outdated software:

(note for context: i’m all for piracy, but in this case my copy of CS6 was downloaded years ago when they were giving it away to students. i got it totally legally.)

[mainnas]

[mainnas]

[mainnas]

Fantastic art

[mainnas]

I haven't been writing much lately. Can't even pick up diary. It feels forced, I feel numb. It's my meds. They help me yes they do. But my mouth feels numb, it doesn't work properly. I don't work properly. Thoughts are quet. Somehow it makes me nervous, but I'm forgetting it. It feels like I live more in this moment. I like the silence. Maybe I don't mind that it eats my imagination a bit

[mainnas]

Did I knew I got crush on new guy. Well not new guy more like friends little brother. Who I first met when I was fourteen and he was something like ten. We have met at random gathering over years. Got a crush on him earlier, but I did nothing about it. Thought he was smart, funny and ridicilously hot friends little brother. I am fool but more likely I made myself a fool. One moment told me has been thinking about us, we kiss and a second later he says this has been a mistake. I feel ashamed, somewhat dirty. Next time saw I was rebelling like look at me you're missing out this. Until I realised he wasn't missing anything, he didn't want anything. Now I felt tense around him, maybe numb. But I'm going to let it past. It's not his fault or mine. There is nothing to blame, I can be sad for awhile. I am let in you go. Maybe in a future we can laugh without hard feelings again.

[mainnas]

I thought I could never get over you. Thought I couldn't find someone else. I lost myself in you. I'm only human. I was mad at myself I couldn't get over you fast enough. You humiliated me so throwly, broke me in pieces with your actions, with your words. I thought. I don't know what I thought. I wasn't happy. It was like living in a dream that was going and going, somewhat unpleasant but comforting. Then there were moments I was afraid. I feel ashame for staying so long time with you, you doing things that ate me alive. Both of us knew you were more important of us. We were suffocating, I was suffocating. I loved you for how you looked at me in our youth. We weren't same anymore, we haven't been for a long time. We won't love same way twice I should have known that. I wonder do you regret it. You said regretting staying together so long, you felt your life was slipping throw your fingers. I realised you were my whole life. I loved you with all of your mistakes and you felt like we were mistake. So I left. Never looked back. I don't know if you missed me, if you still do. I'm still the same and same time I'm not. I have changed for my self. I have been thinking only what is the best for myself. I'm not your flower anymore and I bloom elsewhere and I'm more flourishing than ever before.

[mainnas]

I ate The cereals. They weren't tasty.

Well it's no supprise because I hate taste of cereals. But I did it.

I did it for myself

I am here proving myself I can do things

I can eat anything I desire

How much I want

I can do it all

I didn't kill myself

[mainnas]

For years I have had this indescribable hate for cereals. Even a thought of them made me feel disgusted. I swore I have had enough of them for a lifetime for consuming then endlessly as a minor. I now feel suffacted. I realised there is something I can't talk about it just yet. Makes me feel agitated.

[mainnas]

Parents tell me they have always loved me and have had my best intrest in mind.

"Domestic violence often occurs when the abuser believes that abuse is an entitlement, acceptable, justified, or unlikely to be reported. It may produce an intergenerational cycle of violence in children and other family members, who may feel that such violence is acceptable or condoned. Many people do not recognize themselves as abusers or victims because they may consider their experiences as family conflicts that got out of control."

[mainnas]

I am codependent. I have been broken into pieces by violence and neglects. From my own parents. From an early childhood. I blame them for the rest of my life for what they have done to me.

[mainnas]

My friend congratulated me on non-binary day. I felt uncomfortable. Putting label on me feels wrong. How can I introduce myself as Demisexual Bisexual Non-binary Bibolar Native people? So many labels. Too many labels, feels like I am seeking a attention. Maybe I'm scared someone accusing me that I can't be, I'm not something enough. Like someone could decide who I am. Preschool age I kissed a girl. I felt giddy, it felt right, I didn't tell anyone about it. We kissed goodbye for she was moving away. It wasn't kiss for a friend, both knew that, whisper about it, did it when no one could see us. It was my own little secret which I have kept for a long time. Elementary school age I played family with my three bestfriends. They had fight who could be mother, little or big sister. I always wanted to be big brother. I got crush on boys thinking they were cute. Didn't understand I also got crushes on girls, I just got obsessed how amazing and sweet they were. Once when I was skating on the ice rink I heard girls gossiping am I a boy or a girl because I was wearing hockey skates. I have never felt such a pride. Junior high I cut my hair short. Only used sportsbra, big hoodies, I was so proud thinking I looked handsome and cute like a boy in pictures. Wanted my body to be strong and fast. Felt uncomfortable with regular bra. It was all girls class, didn't feel like I belong. After I went to study IT and it was all boys class, didn't feel I belong neither. My body has always felt wrong because of eating disorder I admit. But there is also something else which I am not sure how to discribe.

[mainnas]

As I was teenager father bitterly let me go camping at my friends cottage once a summer. They basically let me no money and told I couldn't spend most of it, it was only for emergency. My frieds parents fed me and paid literally everything every year. They never told but I bet they knew what was going on and took a pity on me. My parents of course thanked for whole weeks trip by screaming that I got 1-2kg more weight as I got to eat as much as I wanted. They insulted my friends parents in front of my friends for making me fat. Even thought it has no meaning to be told, but I was so good shape I had a sixpack as a teenage girl.

[mainnas]

I had been skipping school as much as I could since elementary school after learning art of coping parents signature in a very young age. But after panic attacks at age of 15 I skipped school so much I got caught up. School contacted my parents asking what is going on. They got so mad it was almost funny. But they started having lunch hours at random hours during a day at work and travelled to home to check I wasn't skipping school. I got used to walk for hours and in wintertime I spend countless hours at library in secret during daytime. It got so bad that school expelled me just couple courses before graduation. Mother was so pissed she pulled my hair apart and tossed me around living room.

[mainnas]

From age of 14 to 18 I had to take part-time job as postman for my own money to spend. I distributed ads twice a week to sixteen of multi-storey buildings, most of them without elevator. It would have been easy, but those kind of firms abuse workers because most of them are teenagers or immigrants who can't get better jobs. Job required to sort out ads to nice piles so they would be easier to put through letterbox and firm didn't pay for time put this task. It took from 4 to 12 hours to sort out depend on season, they only paid for how many ads there were. Delivery took over hour, but sorting out took most of my free time. For why I am even talking about it was because my parents were nonstop complaining about it. There was no other space to sort ads out than our living room. They hated amount of ads there always were even thought I cleaned everything up as soon as I was ready piling up. They complained about it constantly and they didn't get me another choice than to do it for five years. It affected on my studies, on my last wreck of friendships, on my last bits of mental health I had left.

[mainnas]

Father started making suprise searches in my room when I wasn't home. Left drawers and doors open just for me to know he has been checking. He read my diaries, he still has pictures taken from them in our family picture folders. He monitored time I spend with my friends. I never could stay so late it could be time for me being invited for dinner. It was a miracle if I could go to sleepover. He tried to make sure I didn't eat too much for a snack after school. He counted bread slices, measured cereals ect. I was weighted on scale and it was supervised until I was 14 as they physically couldn't make me anymore. If cookies or candy were bought it was locked in kitchen drawer so I would know it was there and I couldn't have it. When I moved out they started to buy fancy cheeses, expensive meat ect. They said they couldn't buy it before because there were change I could eat it all myself. And there is some truth in that thought it is cruel and it makes me sick. They think and they have told repeatly my whole life I am not worthy of food, not to even mention about something delicious.