mainsouvert-blog

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😂😂😂😂

The very first fucking card

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Me: *showers*

Me: I am literally excelling in life. Mental illness where??

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I’m trying to figure out what recovery means. I’ve been struggling for over five years and these past couple weeks had a lot of triggers for me. I felt a lot of pain and joy in a short amount of time. I’m on a path seeking some form of stability, and it seems like the only kind of stability I can grasp is in being impulsive and in chaos. (Irony) I have a crazy job where there is a marriage of madness and sadness. I’m trying to soften the differences between my high and low moods but it’s ever a challenge. I met a boy this weekend that I think I could have actually really liked, but I made a couple mistakes and it’s unlikely I’ll talk to him again. We made out in the elevator just like in the movies. For a night, he made me feel beautiful and alive. I still don’t know what recovery is, my last relapse is too fresh, but I’m a warrior and I’m going to make it.

If you could just give me a sign, just a subtle little glimmer, some suggestion that you’d have me if I could only make me better. Then I would stand a little stronger as I walk a little taller all the time because I know that you’re a cynic but I think I can convince you yeah, broken people can get better if they really want to. Or at least that’s what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive.

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It’s been almost a year since I was in Europe. I quit my job and moved back to my hometown. On Friday I’ll be talking in front of 100-ish people. Could be much more, could be much less. Soccer is one of the only things keeping me same right now. Yesterday when my friend was helping me move we hit a patch of fresh snow and the truck spun around three full times. It’s a miracle there was a good driver behind us and no one in the oncoming lane.

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Quick rant: the thing people won’t say about eating disorders is how you cant escape them and they sneak up on you in the simplest of times. Aka when your roommate offers you a smoothie and you say no thanks and then 10 minutes later asks if you’re sure and all you want to say is I literally can’t or I will make myself throw up because I spent the last six years doing that and it’s one of the foods I still can’t keep down, like get off my back okay thx

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This weekend was awesome. Back to the slopes, back to the gym, back to counting macros hehe. Those mountains and the people in the photo are beautiful. I’m moving to a new place this weekend. I have an awesome view of downtown and I can walk to buy my groceries and to run errands. My future roommate isn’t too bad either. Aka she’s my best friend.

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My name is Tanya. This donkey is cute and he lives in BC. I’m having a hell of a time living my life right now, feeling super hopeless and it’s been incredibly difficult to leave my bed. I could probably sleep for a week straight right now if I wanted to. The only things keeping me from doing that are soccer and my friends but even still, I feel like I’m letting every body down right now by not really being there. I’m not my usual positive self and I can hear it in my conversations, I can hear the topics being darker and more serious even when (especially when) I don’t really want them to go in that direction. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to improve this. I’ve been kind of dating a guy and I think I thought I would be happier about it. I’m going to give him more time though because it’s not very serious and he seems kind of cool. I need to be more engaged in my life.

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I worked three night shifts in a row this week. Haven’t felt this alive in a while. It’s about fucking time. I helped someone and even if I don’t know if he’s gonna make it, I did something that no one else on my unit was able to. I’m excited for the beach tomorrow. I want a pet cat. I don’t have time to sleep 18 hours a day anymore, just gotta get working on my courses and life will be good.

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I’ll probably always have a soft spot for you. I need to remember how far I’ve come. I’m the most fit I’ve been since junior high school, I have a degree, I’ve moved out and I have a reliable car. I’ve travelled to Europe. I have good friends who care about me. I’ve done so much more than I ever thought I was capable of. You live through your love.

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Hi so for as long as I can remember my Baba has told my cousins and me that we need to know how to make borcht before we can get married. So this summer she decided to teach us all how to make it. So today I went to my grandparents farm and made about 10 litres of beet soup and sent a bunch of soup snapchats out and my friend/ crush snapped back and long story short we’re gonna hang out on Sunday and Baba is a genius.

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I went to diabetes camp and I got called a good role model. For someone who has struggled through so much- depression, weeks where I wouldn’t test, panic attacks, being labelled non-compliant by my endo, eating disorders, etc, it just feels surreal that I could be the kind of person that kids look up to. We played a game where you sat in a circle with your eyes closed and four people went in the middle and the counsellor would say things like ‘tap the head of five people who…’ And there were a bunch of different things- made you laugh, taught you something new, you want to see at camp next year… And it was just so cool because it was beautiful to feel the hands of the people you touched, touching your head. So many good things are happening right now and I don’t want it to end. There was an Enrique Iglesias ping pong song dance routine that almost made me cry with laughter and then a boy grabbed my hand and we danced. I am awfully prone to falling in love. I’m going paddle boarding for 3 days and I really hope that someone comes with me. It would be nice to have company on the road trip. I go on a lot of adventures alone and I’m starting to seek more companionship.

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I don’t know what to do. Feeling so anxious about my exam. So so so anxious. And I have a paper and that guy was rude to me on the phone and I called in sick and I kind of feel like I’m faking but also I am so stupid alone. I need another adventure, new relationships. I kind of want to settle. I’m seeing someone for the first time in like three months tomorrow. I’m gonna go on a long ass run and then go into grant macewan and probably cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen on this paddleboarding trip other than it will be life changing. I’m filling out papers for an islet transplant. I really really want to vomit but I don’t know if I will yet.

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I keep on thinking ‘I want to die.’ I’m not sure if I mean it or not, but those words are recurring. I have had an awesome summer. I think I might escape to Toronto for a while. I want to cry really hard. I failed a course and I am not coping well. I want to look back on this and not be able to relate. I want to get over it. How does that happen? I know I’m making progress and effort but I know that I don’t feel good. I can’t eat ice cream anymore.

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I got tinder again and matched/ unmatched with a boy that I hooked up with a year ago again. It literally does not matter at all but I need to say it. I wish I wasn’t lonely. My best friend is in Europe and my roommate is travelling for work and the only person I talked to today was the lady that does scheduling at my work.

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