“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”
When I was younger than seven living in Pakistan, I loved to dance. More than that, copy and choreograph my own dances. I was a kid but I remember it being so easy still. To follow steps, remember them, and preform in front of people. My cousins, all much older than me loved to watch me do what I loved most. One of my cousins would tell me he’d buy me a juice, those ones sold in boxes with a straw, if I danced.
I remember a day where all my cousins gathered around the big living room and I was in the middle dancing to a song. My dad was not present, I was with my moms family at the time in my uncles 3 story house. We were all in the middle floor where the downstairs family and upstairs family came together. I remember loosely my dad coming to pick us up and him catching me as a child dancing. I remember getting hit so hard that a tooth got knocked out of my mouth. I remember that fear I felt in my body. I don’t remember dancing again openly.
This comes to my mind now because I let go of those old fears and traumas as much as I could. I danced in my room so much as an adult. At bars, all by myself. In front of the mirror at the gym, a yoga studio, even let go some of the fear of dancing with another person, but could never bring up the fact that I love dancing so much to my family. I still struggle with choreographed moves, like I am unable to learn for some reason, and it takes me back to those memories. It should be easy, but I think deep down there’s still a part of me that needs to feel that it’s okay to do that. I imagined myself dancing in a music video or a festival stage, because why not. It scared me. What a wild dream to have for a girl like me.
You ever think you're just chronically depressed and even though all good things are happening around you, you can’t step into it ever wholeheartedly, and you just can’t find one good thing to say to yourself. Then you get your period the next day,
Hayat bu bir bakarsin herşey bir anda son bulur. Hayat bu son dediğin an her şey yerinde can bulur. 🥂
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