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makalamacalla · 4 years

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6yrs old

After you died, I never really knew what life was. A child’s brain is so foggy and developing , I don’t think I even knew in the first place. My childhood just never made sense from the jump. I never understood why dad was gone, or why I had to live in a trailer isolated with my hateful grandmother. My mom and sister lived together but I had to stay at grandmas. Things were messy between my biological father and mom. It was the safest place for me.

Mom dating after the death

A few months pass, it’s just my mom, my sister and I. Simple times, just us girls against the world. My mom doing her best to make ends meet and keep her head above water for her girls. My dad died December 24, 2001. 3 months before he died, my grandpa (my moms dad, her best friend) passed away. After the chaos, my mom moved all of back to my grandmas. It wasn’t just me anymore. Thank god. These times were really fun. I remember my mom used to get us a hotel for the weekend just to get away from my grandma, and we would have tons of fun just swimming. That’s all we wanted to do, was hang out at the pool~ acting like mermaids. We also would go to Indiana beach, amusement parks, play outside, my mom’s friends house often ... it was so much fun. That’s when the memories were really pure, so innocent. Gentle and warm.

The first date she went on, was with a guy named Randy. He was in a wheelchair. My mom looked at him more as a “friend” than a partner and it was the end of that. (I don’t blame her lol)

Dating just was not working out, she was on autopilot for awhile... nothing more. Working, dedicating her life to her girls, and staying strong... coasting.

Eventually, she met someone at work. As an adult, we’ve talked about that moment (recently, her marriage is rocky) . I’ll never forget when she said “he wasn’t my type at all...but he was persistent. He had kids too.” My stomach started to hurt; wishing she would’ve trusted her instincts. I suffered for years for you not trusting your instincts.

My mom went on a few dates with this guy from work, seemed to have fun and felt it was time to introduce her kids. It was normal at first. He would take all of us with them on dates, so we wouldn’t be left out & stuck at grandmas. Buy us stuff, and pretty soon I was like “yo you can just stay here with us!!!!” For the first time in my life; I was so happy this man was in our lives. How could I ever feel that way..

They move in together; a small duplex by winona. My sister & I shared a room, since it was only a 2 bedroom. Things were okay, I was in school now too. I was making friends. We met his kids, we would always get them for summer break. It was alright. They were fun and people to play & ride bikes with.

1st grade starts. My mom was working first shift, and her boyfriend just started working 2nds. My sister and I would often get home and my mom wouldn’t be there. It was just us. I remember the day it began.

I got home from school & my moms boyfriend greeted us. My sister went to the bedroom to do some homework & watch tv. I decided to just hang out in the living room, eat some chips. I remember going to sit on his lap, just hanging out after school. I’m sitting there on his knees, and he starts throwing me into the air, bouncing me up and down on his legs. Just watching tv...as a kid, this was fun!

I didn’t know that in a few moments, I would be looked at as prey. As an object. As nothing.

I was feeling SO uncomfortable moments before the words poured out of his mouth. He looks at me and says, “what, you like that?”

Like what exactly? I don’t even remember my thought process, I just got down and went to my room. I laid on my bed, just so confused about what just happened to me.. Was I just..? No I couldn’t be. I’m just a kid. I don’t know what’s going on. I am going to forget about this, I don’t even know how to interpret what THAT even was. Besides, my mom would be so mad at me. I don’t know how much more she can take? She’s been through so much.

Who would’ve thought this would spiral into something worse?

In order for me to have Oreos when my mom WASNT home, I was bribed.

He would watch me take baths. He would just look at me and touch himself, standing next to the tub. Looking at me while I am naked. If I wanted to bathe or have a snack, I would have to do something for it. It happened more than I want to admit.. I asked him once; what was the stuff that came out of you? He scoffed at me, and goes “it’s stuff that makes babies.” Making me feel so stupid for even asking that, as if I was supposed to know.

It continued for awhile. I was about to start 3rd grade, and had been sexually abused for the past year and a half. Any time I was alone with this man, I was touched.

It got to the point to where I started to realize, what’s going on ISNT okay.. I’m so scared. I didn’t even know who to talk to? I didn’t tell anyone, ever. I couldn’t be the reason why things were MORE fucked up. Not again..I just could not. I couldn’t be another person to break my moms heart.

I had the courage & told him I never want to do this stuff again. it was the last time he ever touched me, in that way..he tried to rape me but didn’t. I remember saying it hurt and he stopped. He told me to not tell my mom because I would make her so unhappy. This stays between us. The physical abuse stopped, but the lingering of the feeling never went away.... it still exists for me.

A few more months pass, and I just feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I was thinking about telling my mom, I really was.. and then something fucked up happened with his biological daughter. Just as I was about to come out about what was happening to me, she is telling family she just got molested too by one of his relatives. It was a huge deal, my mom and her new boyfriend were so on edge and calling her a LIAR!!! I remember my mom talking down about that situation, almost blaming the child..mom just couldn’t think or believe the adult would do that.. calling the child a liar. Forming opinions about his daughter; my mom never liked her. I don’t want her to not like me... even more.

So now what am I to do? We moved to silver lake in 3rd grade and that’s where I felt like the abused STOPPED but I was still looked at as prey. I was never touched again after we moved to the new house, but I always felt like I was being undressed with my eyes. This feeling never went away until I was 18 years old.

As an adult, I have to lie and hide my truth and it has really affected me. I feel like my whole life is a lie, and I just play a role in this play that has been going on. It tears me apart that not only do I live with this trauma, I am faced with it often. Until this day. I want my mom to be able to see her grandson but always feel uncomfortable because she is still with this sick fuck. They are married. Time has passed and there’s no way to prove anything, so I’ve always kept my secret. I’m starting to think I am crazy, a fake, and a bad person for not speaking my truth... but the truth would ruin my mom so badly. I never felt close to my mom anyways, I was the accident. So it’s not like it mattered. I felt like I always came in second place with my sister to my mom. They always had each other; and I was just pawned off to whoever would watch me while my parents tried to figure things out.. I just always felt like I don’t matter and I make people unhappy. Why add more fuel to that fire that was sparked since I was born?

I’ve had to move home twice in my adult life and live with the person who stole my innocence. I never am able to handle it and am always on the run. I have been addicted to drugs all my life I feel like. I do anything to block out the trauma. After awhile, you start to question if things even happened because life has always been disarray. Is this real life? My memories are so real. So depressing.

I’m so tired of running, I just want to be done. I’m just ready to be done with my mom, cuz I can’t bare to tell her why. I shouldn’t have to cut my mom off to feel ok, but she will never leave him and I can’t explain this. I just can’t. I’m not that little girl anymore, I’m an adult. I can choose who I want in my life...why dig up a bag of bones? The bone has been picked and I have let too much time pass. My mom has had multiple chances to leave this man but never does. No one in my life knows about it, nor will believe me. it’s baggage I carry everyday and feel so awkward anytime I want to see my mom. I love her so much. Her happiness meant so much more than my own..even as a kid. I saw the hurt she went through. Even as an adult, her happiness means more to me than my own, so I just eat shit and push through. Faking it till I make it. I don’t wish death on many people, but I feel the only way I will be at peace in this world is when my abuser is dead.

My mom and I are pretty close, maybe too close but it’s a lot better than what it was. I used to be an addict and had no relationship with her at all, she couldn’t stomach the thought of me. I was her ex husband through and through. Addicted to pills, and stupid. She helped me get sober and our relationship is really strong.. I can’t jeopardize this now.

My mom will vent sometimes & tell me how he gets mad that his old age and bad health prevents them from having a sex life. The inability to keep an erection... Do you know how fucking disturbing conversations like this are for me?? You’re literally talking about someone who ABUSED ME. I like to see that as Gods way of punishing the living... he fuckin deserves it. He will answer to all the things he has done, this is just a taste of his own medicine until it’s his time to answer.

So ultimately, I have tried to forgive myself and the person who did this to me, I heard it’s the right way of passage. It’s what good people do? I’m just having a hard time letting that go. For years, I just have random ticks in my head... did that really happen to me or am I just tripping? It happened so long ago, I’ve learned to just bury it all. I’m starting to forget but remember everything that happened to me all at the same time. Everytime I see him.

I have recently started on a new medication. I’m 23 and have been voiding out everything for the past 17 years. Suddenly there is no more “writers block” and i hear my thoughts for what they are. All I can think about now, is how can I protect my son? I don’t want what happened to me, to happen to him. It’s time to do what is best for me.

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