makingausernameisthehardest-blog

[makingausernameisthehardest-blog]

I'm going to start from the beginning beginning when we first met in high school up to now. We met at my High school dance my sophomore year of high school. I was friends with people she was friends with and I also knew her bitch friends that she hung out with. At the end of the dance we were all talking and I was loving the attention because she was feeling on my biceps. I was like ayee I got this bad chick feeling my muscles lol. Afterward we all went to Wendy's where her two bitch friends were at the side crying about guys while she was chilling at the table with me and my friends. It was fun. She was cute but my good friend said he was going to try and talk to her so of course I backed off. But he never actually pursued anything with her. We would occasionally talk on Facebook just being silly and being curly hair buddies. I thought she was cute but still never even really tried to talk to her. Idk why I just didn't. We didn't talk much for a while but we were cool. We started getting close because we started talking through Facebook messenger. We started to actually get to know each other and really become friends. She had nobody to go comic con with so I told her to hangout with me and my family. So we all went to comic con and had a really fun time. I thought she looked really good. As in her cosplay and very attractive. At that point we had started talking regularly and had become close friends. At one point we even went ice skating it was so much fun, then she introduced me to five guys and it happened to be really good. My timeline is a bit off but it's okay. I remember when I was working at Best Buy she came to visit me once. It was cause her friend thought she could get a PS4 on the release date LOL. But it was really nice that she came to visit me. It made me happy. What was funny was that my other best friend came to visit me that day too. It was so funny. I found it crazy how she came to visit me and my girlfriend never actually did. Then she went to a career fair at her school and applied to bed bath and beyond. She knew I was going to my school and told me I should apply so we could together and I thought that was a great idea. I'd get to work with my best friend. We both got the job and started training together. Everyday of training I would go to her house and we'd just chill. I was going through one of my breakups and was pretty emotional about it and she was there for me the entire time. She was the only person I had I could really talk to and be honest about how I was feeling. She would talk to me about her past relationship as well. I felt myself having feelings for her but I never tried anything even though it was the perfect opportunity to. I was at her house giving her a back massage with her family upstairs. But not only did I not try anything because I was hung up on my ex but also cause I'm super pussy when it comes to trying anything. lol. After that we started working at bed bath and for some reason I started becoming and worse and worse friend to her. I pretty much put her on the back burner when she was my best friend. The person who had been there for me all this time and the one who actually is the reason for me getting the job. I still feel incredibly bad and guilty for that when I think about it. It's something else I try to push to the back of my mind. She would call me and I wouldn't pick up and she would text and I would forget to respond. I wouldn't hit her up or anything. I was terrible person to her and she still called me her best friend. I didn't deserve that title but she still gave it to me anyway. I considered her my best friend as well but I sure as hell didn't act like it. I don't know why I did it part of me believes it was cause I needed to distance myself from her because of my feelings for her. I found her amazing, a great person, and absolutely beautiful. Whenever we would go out and drink i would be all over her. I wanted to be all over her. I would always hug and and sit on her and everything. I wanted to kiss her but I never did. Because I was in a relationship but I would've been too pussy to do anything anyway. That was part of why I distanced myself. I don't know what the other reasoning was. I just wasn't being a good friend or a good person to her. I still could've at least texted her. Then she became friends with a guy who I was friends with in high school, his name is Jose. I knew him as an asshole but I was cool with him. The last thing I wanted for her was to get involved with him but it happened anyway. He was treating her good and spoiling her at first so I was supportive of the relationship because he was making her happy but then it flipped. He turned into a completely asshole who emotionally abused her. She ended up moving him with him because of something that happened at home with her family. After that he took everything from her. Her life, her happiness, and even tried to take her friends. I would always tell her to break up with him but she was stuck with him. If she broke up with him she'd be homeless. I offered her a place to stay but she didn't want to be a burden to me. Whenever something happened I tried to be there for her. It hurt me a lot to see someone I care about so much going through that. I wanted to do more but I couldn't. One day he kicked her out and said things that should never be said to anyone. As soon as she contacted me I started moving as fast as I could to get to her I know she needed me. I texted our friend jess saying she needed us and jess came as fast as she could as well. That was a period of time me her and jess were hanging out a lot. All the time. That night I had her spend the night with me. I couldn't let her go back to that house. Her boyfriend thought she cheated on him with me but nothing happened that night. We just talked and played video games. It was a fun night. But the next day she went back to the house. I was so upset. I don't think I'd ever been that mad with her. I didn't want her to back. I wanted her to stay with me because I knew everything he put her through. After that happened we stopped talking as much. I wish I hadn't done that. She needed me still. What made me really distance myself was a day we were suppose to hangout and she canceled telling me that we couldn't hangout alone together because of Jose. I was incredibly hurt and angry. She put him before me and I felt like I deserved to be put ahead of him because of what he did to her but that was also selfish of me. I didn't realize the position she had been put in and put my feelings of being hurt in front of what she was going through and distanced myself. We stopped talking and I didn't see her for a long time. I fucked up as a best friend. I wasn't there for her during that time when she really needed me. I finally saw her again and realized how much I missed her. One of the first things I told her was that her boobs got bigger lmao. She told me it was cause she got fat but I still thought she was as beautiful as ever. Just like before I was all over her that night. We started talking again but still not as much as before. Fast forward to when me and my ex finally broke up for the last time. We were hanging out all the time and my feelings for her started getting stronger and stronger and I found myself getting attached to her. One night we talked a little bit about kissing. The next day we were drinking with jess and when jess went to the bathroom we looked at each other and she kissed me first. I was gunna do it but I was still kind of pussy. We made out a lot that day. It was great I had wanted to kiss her for so long and it finally happened. We didn't get into a relationship right away because I was still getting over my ex. But even before we were in a relationship she made me happier than my ex ever did, she spoiled me more, and did more for me as well. Even before we were in a relationship it was already so much better than my last. On July 3rd I felt like I was over my ex completely and wanted to officially be in a relationship with Ali. We would go out all the time it was so much fun I was so happy with her. But not long after I did something incredibly stupid. I was in Atlantic City with family having a great time with I get a text from my best friend nick asking if I was okay because of what Jonathan posted. I didn't know what he was talking about so I went on ig and saw a pic of my ex kissing Ali's ex on the head. I got very upset for more reason then one. I realized I still had feelings for her and because she knows what Ali went through with him but went after him anyway. The biggest mistake I made was contacting her without talking to Ali first. I was upset and let me emotions take over at this point. When we spoke Tati made me feel like shit. Telling me how I hurt her and making it seem like everything happened was my fault and I fucking believed her when I know that isn't true. She flipped everything and made me feel like that bad guy. Manipulating me into thinking I was wrong for moving on with Ali. Making it seem like I cheated on her or something. I told Ali about most of that conversation but not everything. It might have been that night or the next morning. I don't remember but I was feeling like shit about myself and guilty over things I shouldn't be and I texted her something very stupid. I told her I was sorry and I regretted my relationship with Ali when I know that wasn't true. It went against everything I said to her before when I said Ali makes me happy. I never told Ali about that conversation and it blew up in my face but I'll get into that later. I came back from Atlantic City stressed more than ever because of all the shit that happened. Me and Ali were still together and continued going out and creating amazing memories. I knew I loved her but I was scared to say it too soon but one day at night in Central Park she got my to say it. Technically speaking she said it first but whateverrrr. After saying it I just felt it getting stronger and stronger and I soon realized I was falling in love with her. I eventually told her and she told me she felt the same way back. But then I fucked up. This is the first fuck up though. I had plans with her but I was going to hangout with my friend ray first. We went to the gym and then played smash and smoked. I was suppose to see her after a short while but I kept her waiting for hours. I again was being a selfish asshole. She called me and hung up angrily and I didn't even try to call her again knowing she was angry. I got upset myself so I tried to justify my actions by saying that but I was the one who fucked up not her. After a few days she completely forgave me and things got back to the way they were. We were happy going out, her coming to my house and me going to hers. She spent the night a few times and we spent our holidays together. But recently I fucked up worse than ever. I lied to her, betrayed her, and everything I believe in. Someone was messaging her on tumblr talking shit and it seemed like it was my ex. We were 100% sure it was her. She wouldn't text her so we took it upon ourself to make contact. We both messaged her on ig so she could respond. She constantly said she didn't send it and then send a screenshot of the conversation from months ago. Instead of just telling Ali yes I send and just explained to her what happened I lied. I fucking lied. In my head I got scared about the relationship getting ruined not think about wtf I was doing by lying. Lying is much worse then the text I said. She was defending me saying she didn't believe that I sent the text and I said nothing. I let her believe that didn't send that text. I knew it was wrong and I knew I was being a piece shit but I just let keep going. In my head something was telling me it was the smart thing to do even though I knew it wasn't. She trusted me and I fucked that up. If I was in her shoes I would be incredibly hurt and have trouble believing what she would have to say after that. I completely ended my last relationship because of lying and I went and lied to the one person who never lied to me and trusted me completely. I made her feel like shit and even though she already forgave me I don't feel like I deserve it. I honestly am sorry about lying and I swear on my life that I don't do it again but that doesn't take back the fact that I lied. The fact I made her look bad. I can't do anything to take that back and it sucks. I should've came clean. I even fucking promised. I fucking promised. I take that shit seriously and went against what I even believe in. We're suppose to be able to trust each other and I broke that and it makes me feel like shit about myself. I'm at a new low right now I deserve whatever shit she were to give me right now. I have no excuses. I fucked up when I shouldn't have. I want to chance in the near future to build that trust up again and never break it. I love her with all my heart and I shouldn't hurt her. I promised never to hurt her again and I fucking did. I broke 2 promises. I won't do it again. I won't fuck up again I can't. I can't ruin this. I want my future to be with her. I want to make her happy and I want her to trust me.

[makingausernameisthehardest-blog]

Thoughts

I never really do this. Writing down my thoughts and how I’m feeling. I’ve only done it once before and it was helpful but i never went back to do it again. I’ve always been the type to just bottle everything up and try not to annoy people with my problems when they have there own to worry about. I rather just deal with it myself. But what im writing isnt just about me its also about my ex, my current girlfriend, as well as her ex. 

I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 5 years. Within those years I stupidly loved her and let her get away with much more than i should’ve. I should’ve realized from the start that it was going to be a lot of shit but i was blinded by just wanting to be in a relationship and being happy. We started talking on facebook and I knew she had a boyfriend but I still spoke to her. We only spoke for 9 days before getting into a relationship. She told me she had broken up with her boyfriend which i later found out wasn’t even true. Not even two months into our relationship she broke up with me the first time. Her reasoning was because she needed to figure some things out when it came to our relationship and how she was feeling, meanwhile she said we could still act like a couple and shit but just without the label. Like the idiot i was i went along with it. The real reasoning was that she just wanted the chance to choose between me and our friend Josue whom she already had a past with. After about a month of that bullshit we officially got back together. Not long after that I was hanging out with my friend Allyson who Tati had gotten jealous of just because she was a female friend, We were coming back from ice skating in queens and Josue texted me saying that he and Tati had kissed. I was obviously infuriated and contacted her to ask her what was going on and i got both sides of  the story. I wasn’t surprised to find out that both gave different stories. I don’t remember his but I do remember that her reasoning was that he took her back and said he wouldnt give it back unless she kissed him so she did. I had responded asking what if he had asked her for more, what should she have done then. She obviously said she wouldnt have done it but at the end of the day idk if i believed her or not. The point was that she pretty much cheated on me. My friend was very pissed off telling me i shouldnt forgive her and a lot of other things about her that were actually true but i was too blinded by my stupidity. I let her get away with a lot. She would always only be hanging out with guy friends and allowing them to flirt with her because of how much she loved the attention she was getting. I remember i had a list of guys that i gave her once that all started flirting with her because she tried to make it seem like i was overreacting when i would get upset. Meanwhile throughout the relationship i had about 2 close female friends. One ws Allyson and the other was my current girlfriend Aliana. Neither of them ever tried anything with me, not even flirt with me but she still didnt like them and tried to make it seem like i was wrong for not ending my friendship with them. Another thing was that I would ALWAYS pick her up from school. I would ditch my friends to be with her. Instead of going to my boxing training or playing baseball with my best friends i would go out of my way to pick her up but she would rarely do the same for me even when she had the chances to. I didnt care about that but i did care that whenver she would go hangout with her guy friend she would be travel all over the place to go meet up with them but never did the same for me. Why did i stay with this girl for so long??? cause im stupid.  Another guy that she allowed to go overboard was this guy named Jeremy. I had already graduated highschool so this had to be at least a year or two into the relationship. By now she had broken up with me at least twice for the same reason as before. Being confused about her feelings. Meanwhile i know the reason reason was so she could go explore with other guys. But back to Jeremy. She met him at my old high schools dance, i had expressed that i didnt really want her to go but I’m not controlling so i let her go anyway because i decided to trust her. Ended up meeting the guy who would flirt with her A LOT and she would just let it go. At the dance she mentioned how he would put his hands on sides/waist and how she felt some type of way but never actually mentioned telling him to stop or anything. He was very rude and disrespectful as well but since he would also flirt with her she would let it go for the attention. I would tell her how i dont like the guy and how i would like it if she stopped talking to him but she would talk to him behind my back anyway. On to the next guy. Im writing this thinking god damn ho stupid was i to just let this keep happening instead of just breaking up with her.  There was this guy named David, boy did i hate him. lol. He was her ex who was part of the group that was going to spread her nudes and also harassed her. For some reason she wanted to get back in contact with him. At first she was seeking out an apology for what had happen all those years ago and she got it. She also told me she wasnt seeking out a friendship with him but just talk about what happened and shit. But come to find out they were actually talking on a daily basis and he was flirting with her pretty heavily. She would have never told me but i found the text one day while i was on her phone. At not point during the conversation did she tell him to stop or say it was inappropriate but she just let it keep going. He also had a girlfriend and when i told her that she should tell her she would always come up with some excuse as to why she shouldn’t. She never actually ended the friendship but she would tell me that they dont talk anymore until i would look at her phone and see that they had been texting. Not only had they been texting but she had attempted to hangout with him on more than one occasion but it never happened. For all i know they did hangout and for all i know something probably happened because i know hes the type to try something and shes not the type to stop him.  ANOTHER ONE. This is a short one though. There was a guy named Robert (had to choose a guy with the same damn name as me too lol) she met him in college i dont remember which school. But they were friends and i was cool with it because it seemed like he wasnt trying anything with her. Come to find out “he kissed her” i put quotations cause its just more like they kissed. She didn’t tell me until two weeks later. For some reason I wasn’t even mad, i wasn’t hurt or anything. I didnt care. I guess after everything that happened up to that point I wasn’t surprised anymore and just didnt care. Last Two! Since I’m bringing up another breakup I realized I forgot to mention that before this she broke up with me i think one or two more times. I forget but again it was for the same reason. I know I broke up with her once for that reason too but it was more because she was a crappy girlfriend but i still got back with her like an idiot anyway. But back to this guy. His name was Matthew. She told me they were just friends but I thought there was more to it and i was right. Not long after they became friends she broke up with me. Only a few days later I saw on her Instagram pictures of him at her house and of them always hanging out and i couldnt believe that it just happened a few days after we broke up so i went snooping. I wasnt proud of myself but i knew her facebook password and decided to go through her messages. i knew she would never tell me the truth but i had to find out for myself. Found out they had been flirting i think a week before she had even broke up with me so i pretty much got cheated on for the 3rd time to my knowledge. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other instances where she cheated on me. During that time we were broken up for about 1 month i believe. I spoke to only 1 person about it. The other was my best friend Aliana who had been there for me more than anyone. She helped a lot because i was having a hard time dealing with it all. She was the only one i really felt comfortable talking about my feelings with. I was so used bottling everything up but she was able to get me to open up. I felt myself catching feelings for her but i was still too focused on my ex that i never dared to try anything. I wish i wouldve stood single and eventually gone after her at that time.  My dumbass still got back with her even after that. She realized i was a better guy then him and came running back and i fell for it again. I dont know why. Not long after I broke up with her because i couldnt trust her and i was tired of all the bullshit. This time we were broken up for about 2 months. I spoke to my friend jess about it mostly. I didn’t tell aliana at first because i felt stupid for going through the same shit all over again. My ex actually went to her instead for some reason asking for advice. She went to MY best friend for advice. Ali only told her that she needs to give me space and time. During those 2 months I was sad about the breakup but i also knew it was better off, but for some reason I ended up going back to her again.  The last guy. His name was Jaylen. They became friends at her school TCI. He had a girlfriend who he didnt really claim. He referred to her as the girl he’s fucking. He would say he doesnt want to be with her but he doesnt want to hurt her. Eventually she told her that he liked her and not long after that she wanted break up with me. She did the same thing as always, she would distance herself and then say we need to talk. I saw it coming. Before she told me the fake reasoning i asked her if it was because of him and she promised that it wasnt. The next day she came clean and told me it was because she developed feelings for him. I was mostly upset about the fact that she lied. She told me they werent going to peruse anything but not long after there were a bunch of pictures of him on her IG. For a while i didnt tell anyone the complete story because again I felt incredibly stupid. I spoke to jess and ali again. Ali had been close to breaking up her boyfriend at the time as well. She was there for me just as i was for her. We would hangout a lot and talk about it all and sometimes just have fun. At one point my ex tried to pop back into my life again apologizing and saying she won't do it again. The same shit again and I almost fell for it again but this time I didn't. I thought about it and made sure I remembered why we were broken up in the first place. How shitty of a girlfriend she was and how I couldn't trust her. She wanted to meet up to talk about this and I agreed to. Her reasoning different than mine. When we met up she tried to kiss me even though I made it clear in the text that it wasn't going to happen. We went to a park in her area and spoke for a while. I told her how I couldn't trust her anymore because she broke it. After everything that happened I finally woke the fuck up and I told her I don't know what the future holds but right now there isn't going to an us. That's how it finally ended. Now I didn't write this because all of this still bothers me or I still care about her or anything because I don't. I wrote this because I never actually gave myself the chance to completely talk about all the bullshit she did in the relationship not that I haven't had someone to talk to it about with. I just kept it all inside. I'm sure I missed a few things but I decided to focus on the big ones. At first this was also going to be about my girlfriend too but I'm going to make a separate post since this one is already super long lol.