makingoutinyour30s

[makingoutinyour30s]

heavy unsettledness

Dear A,

I am not in the mood to be articulate tonight, I just wanted to acknowledge that I am feeling unsettled and grumpy right now. 

I would like to find a way to feel like whatever I’m living is a real version of life, but if often feels like a placeholder until the next thing. 

You’ll be here - as my neighbor! - in eight days. I am very much counting them. If I didn’t have a school event that day and night I’d be sitting on your porch when you pulled up. 

But for now I’m just spending a jag of time in some discomfort and trying to get used to sitting in it a little longer than usual. 

See you soon.

xo.  S.

[makingoutinyour30s]

one year ago...

Dear S (I’m writing this one to myself) - 

One year ago today you stayed up all night because your then-partner didn’t come home. It was the first time this ever happened to you. You stayed up all night writing emails to your support system, putting safety nets into place because you knew your then-life was about to come tumbling down. You felt it. At 3am you realized you weren’t sleeping that night. You slid your computer off your lap, got out of bed, and pressed the power button on your coffee maker. You took your dog for a two mile walk at 4am. You thought and you thought and you thought. And while your heart felt heavier than it had ever felt, you knew deep down you could do this and you were ready for it. You didn’t want it. You wanted to fight with everything you had. But you knew. 

Your friends brought you flowers. They slept on your couch. They jumped on airplanes and sat with you poolside while you griped and grumped and stewed your way through summer. They took you dancing and gave you pep talks. They took you on walks on very hot days and called you afterward to tell you to drink water. They fed you when you couldn’t eat, gave you a place to sleep, and hid cards for you around your home. They sent you care packages, made you mix tapes, and had three hour dinners with you. They went everywhere with you because you were afraid to leave your home. 

They helped you pack up his stuff and burn your wedding photos when the time came. They offered to set his car on fire, throw drinks in his face, and call his mom Cardi B style. 

They set you up on dates and taught you how to use apps. They got excited when someone walked you home and when someone kissed you for the first time. They virtually cheered the first time someone spent the night and snickered over skeezy date details with you. They had FaceTime conferences to teach you the basics of sexting and offered to send you a crown so you could remember you were a queen. 

***

The thickness of heartbreak felt never-ending at the beginning. It felt like dreams you had wouldn’t be realized. Life alone felt very scary. You thought for some time that it was possible joy didn’t exist any longer in the world. You cried only once, but you felt the weight of an unknowable future. Despite it feeling like it would never end, you got through the thick of it in about four months.

You turned a shared space into your solo home. A place where friends slept on the floor after late nights and where lots of people came for dinner. You changed lights, hung new art, and got new bed sheets. You slept on the couch next to your Christmas tree (you got a Christmas tree! Do you remember being scared about that a year ago?) while visitors were in town. You traveled and lot and learned your way around cities on your own. You made a large and elaborate cake for a friend’s baby shower. You turned to people you didn’t know that well and cultivated a new-ish extended friend family, and those people happily took you in and created new traditions with you. You know all those people you admired from afar for years? They’re great friends now. You’ve napped on their couches with their dogs and you’ve cuddled in bed, reading to their kids at night. You’ve shared many glasses of wine. 

***

You dated and had fun meeting some new people. You freaked out like a 16 year old when someone kissed you for the first time. You had a 15 minute conversation with a friend about how exciting it was going to be to hold hands with someone new. You snuggled on your couch in your underpants the night of a first date, watching a scary movie with someone new. You texted your best friend from your kitchen when you woke up with that same person sleeping in your bed. The first time in 15 years someone new was in your bed. You took love interests on Chicago adventures - and they did the same for you - and learned to no longer be scared of your city. You kissed and kissed and kissed your way through fall and it was most excellent. 

And hey, girl, guess what? You also totally fell in love. With someone you already knew, no less. What a plot twist. And it’s seriously better than you expected. You have whiplash every so often from old bruises, but you’ve never been kissed so much in your life. You went on a first date that immediately turned into three weeks of living together. You built a fort in the living room, ordered midnight burgers while watching Batman Returns, celebrated his birthday, and have a lot of very good sex (let’s not be prude; you’d slept with the same person for 15 years, girl). 

Some days are hard because quiet spots scare you now. But sometimes you’re cuddled on the couch watching TV shows about the internet and you think, “How was my life ever anything but this?” Sometimes you think maybe everything else could have been the lead up to this wonderful person. Sometimes it takes extra brain power to remember you once loved someone else. 

You’re not done yet, but you’re well on your way. Last summer was difficult, but most things worth their salt are. 

There will probably more heartbreak and more tough things. But if this year has taught you anything, it’s that you’re tough as nails. And oh so resilient. You’ll be O.K. 

xo,

S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

checking in

Dear A,

It’s been a while, hasn't it?

I didn’t like the idea that I maybe wouldn’t come back here until I started dating again. So I’m back to update and share some thoughts on single-yet-not-single life. 

I remain fully in the orbit of DD8. I have pretty much zero complaints, except for the (I think) pretty normal growing pains that coming from 1) a new relationship and 2) a new relationship when your experience of new relationships is very vintage. Long distance is hard, but it is also a built in mechanism to keep me social and help keep me from entirely nesting with a new boyfriend. Because as much as I love being out in the world with a new teammate, really what I want to be doing is cooking dinner and spooning on the couch. Though it is perpetually difficult to think about the future right now, which for me has several built in turns coming up, when you’re trying to figure out how much of it you should be planning with another person. And also: haven’t I learned this lesson already? Am I stupid to want to make shifts in my potential plans with another person in mind? I don’t know. I have some time to figure that out still, but it’s tough. And it keeps some barriers firmly in place. 

Once my aunt had an interior designer friend come over and help her set up a new house she bought with my uncle. I went over shortly thereafter to hang out with their kids and asked her about what the friend had suggested and how they decided things. She told me that her friend said every room needs something black. That it orients the room for people’s eyes. I don’t know how true this is, or if this is a real rule interior designers follow, but I always remember it. I think that wherever I move next needs to have at least one orienting friend. One “black” object so the new locale will make sense to me. It feels fine, though slightly sad, to make this decision around friends. Sad because it’s still limiting in some way, but I also know I need at least one person to help me feel like a new city is home and not like I’m alone and navigating a new place. But thinking about making this decision with a new significant other, especially so soon in a relationship, makes me feel stupid. Like I’m a girl limiting her future for some fucking dude. 

DD8 is currently here-but-not-here. He’s in a nearby city, where he’s been for the last week, wrapping up some work. He gets back tomorrow for one more week until he heads back home. Two weeks after that I’ll go stay with him for ten days and he’ll be back soon after for another job. 

Last night I went to a concert with several friends, one of whom was DD4. DD4! After a fall spent sweating him and losing my mind over whatever was going on with him, we have shaken out to be quite good friends. He is a much better friend than date. Last weekend I wing-manned a date he had with someone else and I had a lot of fun doing it. I wish I could have shown September-December S that there would definitely be a time in the future where he wouldn’t occupy so much of my mind and that I wouldn’t feel so heart-tender over him. Time is a tricky, tricky thing. 

Everything feels so finite right now. In my previous life I felt comfortably stable and trusting of the future, even when the present wasn’t in such good shape. It felt like there were constants I would always be able to rely on. There are still many constants: friends who will let you crash family dinner when you’re upset, will give you their lunch hours to chat things out on the phone, will check on you to see how you’ve slept when they know you went to bed with a lot on your mind. But it feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with DD8. And like when it does it’s very possible he’s the last available partner on earth. Or the last one I mesh with so well. I find it difficult to concentrate on just today and what’s happening today. There is a mini-churn that happens every day where I wonder, “How bad will it get after this?” Despite feeling largely positive and elated with the daily. 

But back to DD8. Because he is oh so wonderful. We are creeping up on one year since OH and I split and I am obsessed with thinking about how great it would be if I could travel back and talk to year-ago sarah. Like, “Girl, you’re about to be really blindsided. It’s going to be tough for some time, but it will pass so much quicker than you think it will in the moment. Oh, and remember that cute dude who used to come over and take pictures? A year from now you’ll be creeping up on six months with him. And you feel better than you’ve felt in years. You feel smarter and sharper and more energetic. You will kiss in photo booths and on mountain tops. You will spend a lazy spring day in the park with him and his friends, getting lazily buzzed on a pitcher of palomas you make.”

Actually, I’ll save the rest for a few months from now and do a recap when I officially hit the one-year mark. It feels crazy to know I’m getting close to a year. It feels simultaneously so quick and also like it was an entire lifetime ago. Mostly because it was. Life looks so much different than it did then. My orientations to the world are so different. And I’ve lost so many of the reflexes OH trained me into with his bad habits. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

on love

Dear A,

Because I never want to forget these details. And because I want to remember that love is just the strangest thing ever.

It’s 6:00am. I just woke up. And just took this screen shot of my phone (name removed). This is what it looks like when two people fall asleep on the phone, each refusing to acknowledge how tired they are. Each refusing to end said phone call as they wake throughout the night.

I made coffee, lit a candle, and started a fire. I will read for an hour or so as soon as I’m done typing this. He’s still sleeping on the other end and I can’t bring myself to end the call yet. 

xo, S.

[makingoutinyour30s]

here again

Dear A,

Well, here we are. Back again to documenting boys. But this time we are firmly in the camp of #FallingInLove. Months ago, when I was emerging from the shitstorm of heart break I remember telling someone that I’d get to fall in love again. Probably a couple of times. And that was a positive I could look forward to after the rug getting pulled out from under me. And A. Here we are. We have arrived. It includes laughing until my cheeks hurt, hours making meals, a level of unreserved goofiness I haven’t experienced with a romantic partner in over a decade, lists and lists of future plans, and lots of hand holding. 

I am sitting here trying to articulate exactly what has been happening for the last month and I’m not really sure how to. So let me try to simplify it as best as possible.

DD8 and I knew each other in my past life. He did product shoots in my home. I innocently found him cute and funny. I wished I had a girlfriend in the city I could set him up with because he seemed like a treasure of a person. So when he contacted me in the late summer and asked if he could do a shoot in my apartment, I realized I could be the person I set him up with. He doesn’t live in the same city as me so we texted for months, trying to figure out what the other might be thinking. I asked him to be my New Year’s date and after that we texted all day long, updating each other on our whereabouts, weird things we had seen, funny things we wanted to share, and whatever mundane information gave us excuses to nudge each other again. When I went to New York we dubbed each other “Pocket [S]” and “Pocket [DD8]″ and went on secondhand adventures with each other. I texted him from coffee shops while writing letters. He checked in during pit stops on his long drive home for the holiday. Random questions that would occur to us. He asked me on a date that he was too nervous to refer to as a date a few days before New Year’s Eve. We ate tacos, smiled at each other across a table, and walked around in the snow holding hands before smooching in a photo booth. 

We spent New Year’s Eve dancing and kissing and holding hands some more. And after that he didn’t leave until yesterday. We became like two magnets that don’t like to be pulled apart. 0 to 100. We fell into quick and easy routines - he would grind coffee before bed. I would let him sleep in 15 extra minutes every morning. The dog would only sleep curled behind his legs. We became obsessive about making a giant list of things to do together in both our towns. And cooking/baking elaborate things together. We went out hunting for a book to read out loud to each other. We had a lot of meals with friends who agreed he’s great. Our clothes ended up in piles on the floor a lot. We decided to stop seeing other people.

He left yesterday morning for his home. He’s coming back in a few weeks to visit again. I am going there for spring break. I will maybe spend a few weeks there over the summer, writing with my dog and figuring out what other elaborate things we can cook and bake together. In the last week he started testing the waters of maybe moving back to my city when his lease is up at the end of summer. Plenty of lead time to figure out what’s going on with this thing. And to enjoy some adventure visits to each other. We have plans to facetime cook together, watch movies together, and send lots and lots of postcards. We will rewrite this book of love.

There are so many more details but I’m not sure how to articulate them. It mostly feels like a comfortable billowy cloud.

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

out of office

Dear A,

You know where I am right now and what I’ve been doing. But I’ll just confirm for you, and posterity, that I am currently living in an intense, two-week cuddle cave with DD8. When I emerge in a week and a half, I will start here. And I will tell you about living room forts, midnight spaghetti, work days holding hands under the table, and many homemade meals.

For now, please know I am enjoying one of the greatest welcomes to 2018. I am well cared-for. I am kissed nonstop. I am missed when I’m gone.

xo, s

[makingoutinyour30s]

there’s no night like this night

Dear A: It’s 4:42am and I’m just getting into bed at East Coast Best Boy’s apartment. Tomorrow I head home after a truly fantastic and love-filled weekend with my New York friends. I will document more thoroughly once I’m there, and once I’ve had more than three hours of sleep. But for now, I’m typing a quick post from my phone to gush about the love and caring and concern and humor and joy that friends are. I left a party tonight where multiple friends cornered me to tell me how much they loved me, to ask me about my new life, or to simply celebrate all that is great and positive in the world. Tonight at ECBB’s apartment we stayed up so late talking and catching up more and I wasn’t able to get into bed with fewer than two hugs. A. Life is warm and loving right now. Here’s a brief check-in reminder that I hope helps on future days when I might doubt that or not feel it. Xo, S.

[makingoutinyour30s]

adventures in babysitting

Dear A -

I can’t let this evening’s opportunity pass me by. I am currently typing from my friends’ living room. Glass of wine perched next to me, blanket on my lap, dog dozing, while their children sleep upstairs. I, dear friend, am babysitting. And after putting the kids down an hour ago and pouring myself a glass of wine (getting two kids into pajamas is hard!) I then sat on the couch texting boys. So I have officially leaned in harder to this new adolescence than I ever really intended to. And it’s great!

Last night DD4 and I went out. It was an attempt to distract myself from how much I’ve been sweating DD7 lately. We strolled around an interactive light display at an arboretum in the suburbs and it was Fun. We reached around trees together to hug them and watch them change colors. I stood back and watched him sing to trees while they sparkled and glowed in response and a staff member came up to me and said, “He’s doing a great job”. “Yeah. I know.” We drank hot chocolate and were mesmerized at some of the cool things we saw. On the drive there and back we chatted about our Thanksgivings, what we were doing for Christmas, the movies we want to see, and what we generally have going on for the next few weeks. We have a slight habit, when we drive out of the city, of him driving us home and I like that. I had a great time, it was so good to see him, and I realized I had missed hanging out. When he pulled up to his apartment and we got out to hug and say goodbye, he told me how free he was in the coming weeks and that we should hang out. I mean, duh, DD4. We’re BFFs at this point. I am no longer interested in DD4, but my crush remains. And I was happy to have him as a distraction and went home with him slightly on my brain and happy about that. Until I woke up in the morning and was back to wondering about DD7.  DD4 who (and good god I’m sure you never thought the day would come)?

A few days ago I also locked down DD8 as my NYE date. DD8 was mentioned previously as being a photographer I’ve known for some time. In theory I would have liked DD4 or DD7 to be my NYE date. But DD4 would end up coming in the end while making me think he was thinking it over in the lead up. And because I wasn’t sure if/when I might hear from DD7, or if he’d be up for NYE festivities after just getting back from an extended trip out of the country, I figured I shouldn’t count on any of those bozos and then find myself dateless and a third wheel. So I asked DD8 and he oh so happily agreed. 

Tonight when I took the boys up to their room to get ready for bed, we looked through their bookshelves to figure out what to read. And oh. They pulled out a copy of I Like You. This glorious, beautiful little book just happens to be the only reading that was included in my wedding to OH. I had actually kind of forgotten about it. When they pulled it off the shelf I immediately recognized its red cover and tried to suggest we read something else, but no. They insisted. So, with two energetic, gentle, loving boys curled up on either side of me I read it to them. And it was - sort of? - a bummer. It is a bizarre thing to read your wedding text to children. But it was also lovely to have two sweet boys leaned into me while I read this:

And I like you because if we go away together, And if we are in Grand Central Station, And if I get lost Then you are the one that is yelling for me.

So we read this book and then I suggest we read something else afterward so I can cleanse my pallet of this book. And then I go downstairs and pour myself some wine and get ready to settle in on the couch before attack of the killer boys starts rolling in via text. Because someone always shows up when you’re feeling a little weird. 

So, DD8 is one of the boys I have been couch texting with. As a matter of fact we have had a text conversation going since about 10am this morning. And while sitting on this couch, drinking this wine, and getting ready to pull out a book to read I received a small hello message from DD7. Which is probably enough to keep me going for another week, considering I didn’t expect to hear anything for at least a week. If not all three of them. 

I think the numerical naming mechanism has officially gotten very confusing. I probably should have come up with unique nicknames for all these gents. Oh well. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

back like i never left

Dear A;

Well, here we go again, girl. Glad to be back in the heart-eye headspace for a little bit. If only there was a way to remind myself during non-heart-eye headspace that it’s always just around the corner. Take a breather, girl! This world is full of cool dudes!

I had already mentioned that DD7 was leaving the country for three weeks starting Friday. Except that last night he realized he was actually leaving Wednesday and had fucked up his scheduling. Oh no! This meant that, selfishly, we had an abbreviated week to work with. And, logistically, he suddenly needed to get his life in order in 36 hours. I asked if I was allowed to say that I still wanted to see him before he left (too bold of a request after only being on two dates?). He said not a problem and we met for coffee this afternoon. 

So, A., we know that I was “figuring this out” for the last two dates. I was interested. But I was definitely figuring it out. I also mentioned that he was in more of a habit than previous suitors of giving me affectionate touches. But during those first two dates there were also a few times he touched me that I felt ... uncomfortable? That’s not quite the right word, but it’s the best I can come up with. My skin wasn’t tingling for him. But in the days after our second date I started thinking about him more. I started lining up our interests and seeing how we could spend days and weekends together. And last night, when I realized there was only one day left to see each other before he left, I was all in for canceling on a date with DD4 to see him. Not a problem.

We meet for coffee in his neighborhood around noon. He beats me there and when I walk in and see him sitting at the counter my stomach flips. And it’s great. And it’s like he’s suddenly become several shades more attractive to me and I kinda can’t stop looking at him. We smile a lot at each other. He does this cute thing where we’ll kind of gaze at each other quietly for a few moments and he’ll say, “Hey.” I lean in for a few kisses. He thanks me multiple times for coming out with him. I’ve spent three days and two nights with this fella over the course of one week and I realize that I will miss him when he’s gone. 

A. Why on earth did I wait so long to meet up with him? This should be a reminder of some sort for the future. Don’t write people off (though I hadn’t quite written him off ...) so soon. Great texters have been let-downs. Mediocre texters have been surprises. 

So. Now we wait. He walked me to my car afterward. He said he could be in touch while he was gone and I told him I’d love to hear from him. After our first date I was looking forward to him going away so I could think on this. Now I’m a little bummed out. And I’m hoping I can keep my brain safe during these three weeks. There is very good reason to believe this boy will come back looking forward to seeing me, the same way I will be looking forward to seeing him. But my brain will work to slowly dismantle this whole thing, assuming it was a fluke and that his time away has given him space to realize we’re not a good match. In many ways these three weeks should pass quickly. Friends in town visiting, holidays, wrapping up the University and high school quarters, parties, normal nights out, and working on my dissertation proposal. But to all my friends reading this, I apologize in advance for making you listen to me second guess this for the next three weeks.

And, at least for right now, let’s turn on some good tunes and revel in how funny life and time can be. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

leftover spaghetti

Dear A:

A Friday night date with DD7. I’m liking the low-key feel of this one. The nice feelings and the low pressure. The space to figure things out with a nice dude. 

Thursday night after running with my crew I accidentally left my credit card at the bar where we grab drinks afterward. So we started the evening by making a trip there, with a plan to get ramen afterward. But after lucking out on a great parking spot and seeing a popular restaurant with a ton of available tables through the window, we altered our course. After dinner we hopped next door for a drink and dessert.

Here is a stupidly refreshing thing about DD7: while we’re waiting at the first bar for them to find where they stored my credit card, he puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze (the sweet kind. not the adolescent kind). When we’re having a drink at a bar after dinner he squeezes my knee. He leans over and kisses my shoulder. When we walk back to the car he holds my hand. Nothing over the top. Nothing overbearing. Just enough to show interest. 

We have a lot to talk about. We have common interests in Chicago music and shared opinions about R&B. We talk about his upcoming trip. Things we like to read, movies we like to watch (we are both into horror flicks). We have a shared love of coffee and he asks a lot about the teenagers I research. 

Neither of us felt like drinking much Friday, so we went back to my place to watch a movie (and make out). My dog is weirdly obsessed with him and snuggled in with him. The next morning we wake up and take the dog for a walk to grab coffee at a newly opened coffee shop down the street. He leaves shortly after we get back to my apartment and we agree to go on a third date before he leaves the country. 

I do think that when he gets back, if we’re both still into this, we need to back off a little bit with the slumber parties. It’s nice to be hanging out with someone who will finally make-out with me. But it is too soon for someone to be so easily sleeping over. I wish it was possible to fall asleep with someone and then have them disappear in the middle of the night. Not get up on their own and leave (I think that would feel a little weird), but just ... disappear. It has been nice to fall asleep snuggled in with someone. And while it also feels good to wake up and make a run for coffee with someone, it’s just a little too soon. It’s a little too comfortable. This is a tough thing to balance between two relationship people. Two people who will be happy to get back to eating pizza with another person on the couch in their sweats. But I also don’t want to rush through all the other relationship stages. And I don’t even know if a relationship is where I want this to go. 

But. I also like that I can feel I’m a little bummed out that he’s going away for three weeks. It’s good. It will be a good way to see how I’m feeling. But it’s also a positive shift away from pining over a boy who may feel good to be around, but who doesn’t really want to be around anyway.

Yesterday I had a meeting two neighborhoods away. The weather outside was beautiful so I decided to run there and back. When I was out on my run I got a text that he had left his leftover spaghetti in my fridge for me post-run. And that’s a move I’m really into. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

on to the next one

Dear A,

Hey girl! It’s been ten days! This is what the holidays will do to you. 

My Thanksgiving was rough in that life-transition kind of way. I’m not in the mood to write out a whole section about why that was and what specifically was difficult to deal with. It just was. And it left a small storm cloud behind that I’m still working on getting rid of. Though the clouds part a little more each day. 

I will also say that a second date was set up with DD6, which then fizzled out and was cancelled before it happened. So there’s another update.

And then we added a new cast member, DD7. Well, he’s not entirely new. He and I started texting a few months ago and I just never made any in-person time for him. But over those months he kept coming back, even when I never returned his texts. So when I heard from him again this past Monday, I thought, “Why not?” and we went out Tuesday. 

Tuesday was not such a good day. I received more divorce paperwork. DD6 decided to bounce. The storm clouds were still in place. No one monumental thing, just a bunch of small things. I debated canceling on drinks with DD7, but told myself no. I remembered my one date with DD3 and how, while it didn’t amount to anything (and I didn’t think it was going to) it still got me out of the house with someone who worked hard to make me laugh over the course of two drinks and a plate of french fries. And I knew I definitely wouldn’t feel any better sitting in my apartment alone. So out I went. 

Some poor transportation timing put him in my neighborhood 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet, so he came over and walked my dog with me. It was nice and I was pleasantly surprised. During our two block lap with my dog I was glad I hadn’t cancelled and happy to know I’d get to spend the next few hours with him. He is a handful (a full handful) of years younger than me and it was refreshing to be around someone who was forward and put himself out there in a bunch of different ways. There were no crazy vibes, but I was into it. At one point he kept tapping my foot under the table with his and I thought that was cute. And then, as we neared the end of our second drinks he said, “What if we hung out at your place?” And I said, “...sure.”

And that is how DD7 became the first gent to spend the night at my apartment.

We are both two people who have recently come out of long term relationships. Which means that after we made out on my couch for a while he said, “What if we just got into bed and watched a movie?” And I thought that sounded pretty good, so I agreed. But then, of course, we just made out some more until we fell asleep. 

Having someone else sleep in my bed wasn’t so weird. Though it was weirder than I expected. It’s been five months since another body was sleeping in my bed with me. I didn’t realize how much I had gotten used to it. The weirdest part was the morning. Wherein I woke up, tiptoed out of my bedroom, started the coffee maker, and then clutched my mug while texting WCBFF that I was hiding out in the kitchen waiting for someone to wake up. 

She texted back, “I had a feeling this would happen”. 

I had a good night. A new experience. We will have a repeat performance tomorrow night. And next week he leaves for three weeks out of the country, which will be good for some brain space while I shuffle this and think about what I might/not like to pursue here. 

And because it’s still not possible to write a post without mentioning our good friend DD4, here’s the update on him: we are planning to hang out, eat tacos, play a new board game I recently received, and go see some interactive christmas lights. And I’ll leave it at that. 

I am really ready for a good date, be that in a person or an event. The last few posts have been so reactive and so logistical. I’m ready to write to you about a funny interaction, a first time experience, or an OMG I’m falling in love with my dates again! Uneventful dates are not helping my light-malaise; and my light-malaise is not helping my dates. I’m also just ready for dating to feel fun again and not like I’m sludging through interactions. I don’t even remember what I wore out Tuesday evening. And while that’s great that I’m relaxing more, it was so fun to text with a handful of people while I was getting ready. Having my whole team behind me excited, helping me pick out outfits. It’s almost like how getting ready for prom is often more fun than prom itself. 

But in addition to dates I think my friend social life needs an uptick, too. I’m constantly running around to field work or the university or managing whatever life things I need to manage. And I need/want some of those good friend days/nights that remind me how great this life is. And to spend some time cooking and clean up my apartment which has been in a state of upheaval for the last three weeks while I’m scrambled around. In two weeks I go to NYC to see friends, which I’m so very excited about. And you’ll also be here when I leave and when I get back! And NYE is one of my favorite holidays. WCBFF will be here shortly thereafter. And before I know it I’ll be back in LA for February. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

was this what people meant by butter melting?

Dear A: 

It is time for an introduction to DD6. How nice it feels to discuss someone different (and, I’ll insert a brief reminder that “DD5″ was allocated to WCBBF’s friend with whom I hung out in LA). Letters on dating adventures are perhaps not so fun when you just end up discussing the same boy over and over and over and over again.

There is not so much to update, but I will give you what I’ve got. 

Saturday afternoon we met up for coffee in my neighborhood. He beat me there and he waited for me outside in the rain (charming). He was very cute. Incredibly cute. A, I had no idea this level of cuteness was available to me. What a gift! And he was dressed impeccably in greyscale attire so that we would look quite good walking down the street together. 

We grabbed coffee and stood at a ledge chatting for an hour and a half. He told me toward the end of our date, after asking if I had any dating horror stories (I don’t!), that he has a rule of doing coffee dates first so that he doesn’t find himself stuck at an entire dinner with someone with whom he is not compatible. 

Sidenote on that: everyone I’ve gone on dates with has “rules” of some sort. And I get them, to an extent. I, however, have no rules because I have no experience and rules seem stupid. But what happens when two people with two separate sets of rules go on a date? Isn’t it very possible that people might be compatible or have a good time but their weirdo rules just get in the way of everything? 

So we drink coffee and rapid-fire chat and it’s great. He asks a lot of questions about school and we end up down a sociology rabbit hole which I found unbelievable. I mentioned to him that I had two copies of The Fire Next Time on my book shelf (the last book he told me he read when we were texting last week). And he said he was getting ready to start a book for the second time that he hadn’t finished and that I was probably going to be disappointed he hadn’t read it yet. That book? Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex. Let me just say I have never expected any man/non-academic to have read that book, but I clearly need to up my standards based on DD6′s thoughts. He had real opinions on the difference between Satre and de Beauvoir (“I just think she’s a much better thinker and Satre stole a lot of her ideas. If she was around now, I bet she’d have a #MeToo tweet”). 😮 And I told him I had visited both of their graves this summer. Because this, A, is S-style romance. French philosophers and gravesites. 

I jokingly asked him if he’d come over earlier and rifled through my bookshelf before our date. I told him that I had just read Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own for the first time and was crazy about it. I told him the premise and he had a lot of questions. And then, because we were really on a role, I told him I had also just read Cixous for the first time and could barely contain my excitement the day we discussed it in class. And this dude was all in for it. We did not entirely agree about de Beauvoir’s thoughts and at one point he said, “I’m always up for being corrected or challenged. And you seem like you’re doing it respectfully so I don’t mind this at all”. Which is, like, a totally ‘duh’ thing to say. But was felt like this excellent welcome mat into a conversation that I’m used to having by just having men shout over me. 

He also told me that when he was younger he worked as a go-go dancer so I’m pretty sure he’s the most well-rounded date I’ve met yet. 

I was having a great time and wanted to keep the conversation going so I was very close to asking him if he wanted to go get tacos, until he told me he had to leave in a few to meet a friend for the movies. So, we wrapped up our conversation and went our separate ways. About an hour later we swapped some texts that we had a great time and I will be expecting to hear from him later in the week to set up date number two. 

I’m kind of into the level of “feelings” I am currently having for DD6. I felt like we could have hung out talking all day. I felt like I was not far off from telling him about OH (and I will definitely not be waiting as long to tell people as I did with DD4). I was very attracted to DD6 and I found myself giving him a few full-body scans while we stood next to each other. But there were no crazy vibes. He was not attempting to charm me in any capacity. And while being charmed might have been nice, this maybe feels a little bit more genuine. Or, at least, it doesn’t feel like there is some weird trickery up his sleeve. It feels like we will go on multiple dates and figure out if we like each other. It feels very nice to be excited about more dates with someone, while not feeling like my heart is already thudding out of my chest for them. 

A, I have been texting you a lot about my current obsession with Call Me By Your Name. I started the book Saturday morning before heading out for coffee. I am halfway through and will finish it before the movie comes out Friday. I will write more once I finish it and digest it, but it is making my heart swell bigger than anything has in a long while. I have highlighted probably 20% of the book and I’ve found myself so taken with the writing that I’m reading much of it out loud to slow it down and hear the words spoken. We will discuss this more later, but for now please start reading it so that we can react to it side-by-side. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

thoughts on time

Dear A;

I woke up in manic brain today so you’re getting a letter. I am excitable but also a little gloomy. It almost feels like I’m in a mirror maze and I’m trying to run in every direction but I’m banging into walls and I’m not quite sure where I’m going. Didn’t our girl Chani say things are supposed to be weird this weekend? I have definitely woken in a weird (but good, I think?) place. 

Last night K and I went to see Lady Bird. And we reacted hard. Throughout the movie we whisper shouted our reactions. We covered our faces with our hands when things were just too much to feel. I think we both got choked up at various parts. We laughed a lot. 

There is this PhD student at a university on the east coast that I sometimes talk to. We study the same thing so I tap into her when I need or want fieldwork advice. The last time we talked was a few weeks after I entered the field and she said, “High schools are just the best place, right?” And I told her my year of fieldwork was so perfectly timed because I had found myself in the middle of a divorce. And she told me the same had happened for her and we talked about that. She said that being around teenagers was going to be so helpful and she talked about their perceptions of time. That time moves a little slower for teenagers (two weeks can feel like two years), but that they can also feel the great expanses of their lives. She said this perspective was going to be helpful when reframing a life. 

A, I know I’m not a teenager. I know I am a 33 year old woman. I but I have never lost that perspective on time. I often think it’s because I have never intended to have children. So I have never had to think about really planting roots, be they in time or space. If I didn’t have to take care of anyone but myself and another grown-up/partner, we could move and do whatever we wanted. We could keep looking under every rock. We could stay out late and follow mysteries wherever we want. Though it might also have to do with being a student. There is something exciting about what comes after graduating something. There is still at least one giant shift to be made in my life. And it’s expansive and incredibly unknown. 

I also have a constant fear of wasting time. I am worried time will get away from me. And my role as Joy Team Captain means I worry about letting things slip away that feel great or effervescent. I worry about spending too much time in gloom or work and then realizing I have missed good things or let them go by the wayside. I think this sensation is part of what causes me to rush things that feel good. Or to throw myself in front of emotional speeding trains. We must solve this thing! Or, we must lock this good thing down! I am a very patient worker. But I am not a patient emotions-feeler. I often do not understand when people need to take time to think about things, because my emotions and feelings are almost always very clear to me. I like this thing. I do not like this thing. Turn left, not right. This is the thing I want. When I woke up one day and realized I was ready to marry OH, I asked him to marry me in three weeks because I was ready and there was no reason to wait once I was ready and whipped up a good plan. 

Yesterday I received some divorce paperwork. It was nothing too emotional and something I knew was coming. But I hate receiving divorce paperwork. It often comes at moments when I feel pretty stable in my life, and then it reminds me there is a gloomy undercurrent and there are things that will change and things I will have to react to from my old life. It led me to looking at emails that were sent and received in the Really Hard Time. Oh, A. I felt so very sad for myself reading them. I know I have been feeling a lot of emotions in the months since I started feeling better and dating. I know there have been very tiny mini heartbreaks, which are mostly magnified because they feel like whiplash from OH. But my goodness, I need to reflect more on how much better everything is right now. Maybe I’m still working on figuring out what single life looks like and mourning being without a live-in teammate right now. Maybe I’m letting goofy dumb boys like DD4 yank me around a little. But things are so very much better. I remember writing all the emails that I wrote to friends responding to check ins or when I reached out to people for help. I remember almost everything I wrote in those emails. But spending an hour or so reading them, from this new place, was Very Hard. I imagined what it might have been like to be the friends on the receiving end of those emails. It must have been so difficult to receive them, to know how to respond. And because I know they were all sent to people I love, and who love me, I can only imagine how painful and difficult it must have been to be my friend then. So many emails, from so many people, include paragraphs of reminders of how much they love me and the things they love about me. They were very real gifts to receive then and to still have. So much of the emails I sent read like someone completely lost at sea. They were written by someone who was struggling to save herself from drowning. Somedays might be hard still. Somedays I feel something in regards to a different person and it makes me scared to tap into those old feelings again. But A, I don’t think it can ever actually be that bad again. There were multiple nights I went out to dinner with someone and disclosed vulnerable and painful experiences I had with OH that led to them crying in reaction. And my god, I just can’t imagine what I must have been like. I know how I felt in my brain and in my heart, but I think it must have been such a tough experience to watch it, and react to it, from the outside. 

In your first letter to me you mentioned how the sun was shining on me since then. And I know it has been. But I don’t think I quite felt how much until reading those emails yesterday. A few days ago I was also clearing out voicemails and listened to one you left me just a few days after OH left. In it your voice is gentle and angry and sad. And you tell me that you’re so sorry and that this thing is just so out of control and unbelievable. Hearing those emotions in your voice made me wonder what it might have been like to hear my voice during that time. At dinner over the summer at my friend M’s house, she looked at me across the table at one point and said, “Your eyes look less dead than they did before”. 

Things will take some time before they are entirely comfortable. Before I am able to make decisions without feeling like all my emotions are all the line or that everything has to mean something so significant. But I have to work harder to remember how good things are. How absolutely better things are than they were four months ago. Or even a year ago. It has to be O.K. to feel uncomfortable sometimes. 

I don’t know what I’m writing about today. I’m feeling restless. I am feeling like there is too much to react to right now, today, and that there is a little too much out of my emotional control and like my emotions are spilling out of my chest like an open fire hydrant. I am trying to get myself excited for a new date with a new cute boy this afternoon and to remember that I have no idea what exciting thing might (or might not!) be in store with him or anyone. And to stop thinking about people whose emotions and wants are outside my control. And to enjoy things that are good without asking more from them or trying to force them into something else. Goddam, emotional patience is so difficult. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

put on your own oxygen mask first

Dear A,

First off, you are definitely a dad right now. As perfectly exemplified by your inability to edit your post to add on a closing mark. Oh girl. :)

Maybe I could feel you pacing while I was out that night. It was not really a “fun” evening. And I am having a difficult time trying to figure out if/when I’m putting too much pressure on things. For myself included. I think about my two dates with DD2 and I definitely began pushing that too soon. I understand that there are times when we meet people and we immediately want them around all the time, and they us. But that’s not always the case. And it is often the case that someone needs time to thaw out - if you’re scared, if you’ve been hurt, if you have some Really Big Thing You’re Too Nervous To Tell Someone. I don’t think it’s fair of me to expect that someone knows immediately if they want to spend a solid weekend with me. Because I also feel really strongly that spending a solid weekend with DD4 watching Stranger Things was part of what did us in. I digress. 

Last night we went out to play board games at a local brewery. He texted me in the morning asking if I wanted to go. And I did. And A, I had a really great time. An old school (as in, two months ago :) DD4 and S good time. I laughed a whole lot. We played several board games with a cluster of strangers who were great. And at one moment between turns I sat back, looked at the people and place around me, and felt that familiar grateful feeling for this new life. An exclamation that is often running through my head is, “A year ago I never would have thought I’d be here! And I am so glad I am”. There was a piece of art I found in LA when I visited WCBFF a few months ago:

And I felt that way last night. I felt happy to be at this game night with new people. Invited by someone who, one year ago, shouldn’t/wouldn’t have been in my life at all. Yes, perhaps DD4 isn’t a love interest in this new story. But that doesn’t mean he’s a bad cast member. It just means we perhaps slotted him into the wrong role. I also felt grateful for his friendship. I’ve been seeing him very regularly for the past two months and I really, really like it. What a great, funny, joyful, energetic friend I’ve made. How lucky I feel to be meeting such excellent new people. 

Though. 

There is still some confusing stuff. On my cab ride to the event I was nervous. I was worried that because we’re now (i think?) friends we’d be too separate at this event. That I’d find myself on an opposite side of the venue playing a board game with a bunch of strangers wondering what I was doing there. I reminded myself that I could leave if this happened. But I arrived and my friend is back. We laugh a lot and he’s easy to talk to again. Except, he continues to touch me a lot in adolescent ways. He taps me on the shoulder. He turns his whole body towards me and grips me by the shoulders to exclaim when he’s excited. He leans across the table into me. He asks if I’ve eaten and if I want to get dinner afterward. He pays attention to me the whole night. He does not leave me feeling “lost” in a crowd of new strangers. When we go out to dinner he touches me more. We get sucked into watching a terrible movie and we’re laughing so much and hypothesizing what’s coming next and he’s got his arm on my chair or he’s giving me a quick rub on the back or gripping my leg. And I just don’t know what to do with this. If he wants to friendzone me, I need him to do a much better job. I was excited to hang out with my friend DD4. But I found it very confusing to be touched so much. No other person in my life touches me this much. And if someone did, I’d assume they were interested in me. Toward the end of the night I wondered if he was going to kiss me because I honestly had no idea (the answer is a resounding ‘no’. And I’m pretty sure he skipped off pretty quickly to make it abundantly clear that wasn’t going to be happening). 

I remain incredibly confused. I was very O.K. heading into the night to hang out with my newfound friend. But it was tough to receive, what felt like, affection. He didn’t quite feel like a friend. He, honestly, felt like a boyfriend. And I felt more comfortable than I have with him in a bit because I was able to go into the evening with no expectations and no attempts at looking charming or cute or whatever other things I attempt to be when I’m on a date. 

So, there we are. I have no idea what this is doing for him and my brain is a little wonky today over it. I had dreams of a new buddy relationship that now feels a little ... strange. It would have felt terrible to be ignored by him and set adrift at an event full of strangers. But it also doesn’t feel great to be on the receiving end of mixed signals when I’ve just finished repositioning this into my brain. We’ve got post-Thanksgiving plans and I will see what happens. If I need to have another talk with him and ask him to please stop sending me mixed signals so we can just enjoy being friends together. I want to feel grateful for the friendship I can have with him - being invited to events I wouldn’t have found myself at before, getting a little drunk, and laughing a whole lot over a plate of french fries. But I can’t do that if I feel like I’m always being flirted with. The bison are with me a little today but I’m trying to remind myself that every day doesn’t have to - or get to - feel like a manic dream. And as I’ve said of myself for my adult life, I like valleys with my peaks. Some days have to be valleys for the peaks to feel oh so good. 

And then, before moving on, I will also let you know I have a coffee date with a new gent Saturday afternoon. A handsome dressmaker who told me, unprompted, that the last book he read was James Baldwin’s “The Fire Next Time”. And, fun fact, A, I happen to love Baldwin so much I have two copies of that book on my shelf. I look forward to adding DD6 to the ranks for at least one afternoon to get out of the constant DD4 stewing. 

So now, let’s put on your oxygen mask.

A! Moving is a really big decision! I remember the months when we were waiting for our acceptance letters to roll in and we both spent so much time weighing the options we didn’t even know if we had yet. Where would we prefer to live? Where would be good places for our partners to go? What would the transition be like? Could we afford it? Who had the best faculty for our areas of interest? And when you got your options and knew you had to leave our shared city it was such a difficult decision. It’s supposed to be! I think you’re being awfully hard on yourself for something that should, I think, take up a lot of brain space. 

One thing I worry and wonder about for myself right now is the potential for making superficial decisions. I have been a very thorough decision maker all my life. I have been patient and I have followed the rules. Do you think the decision to move could be superficial? Sometimes I can romanticize how good something was simply because it was in the past. I don’t think that was the case for you at all living in Chicago, but maybe? Are you worried about something you’ll have to walk away from in Vancouver? I worry about making a superficial decision in the near future because, as it has become abundantly clear, I am a love junky. It would be stupidly easy for me to make a dumb decision because I believe I’m falling in love. You must remember: my parents got married (and remain oh so happily married) after knowing each other for only three months. I believe in love really big time, A. And I worry I will follow it to a dumb place.

One thing I’m thinking is that this does seem like one of the first times in your adult life that you’re making a decision for yourself only. The past few years years you’ve had to make big decisions with a partner in mind. I have personally found the idea of this shift to be terrifying, even though I’ve got 2.5 more years until I have to start making big life decisions as a Solo S. 

I think we are both shuffling what our visions of the future are in a lot of ways. This divorce has, oddly, made me think more about what I actually want to do with myself. Maybe being a professor isn’t as important to me and affecting change via institutions is. When I put on my high school drag for fieldwork days I always think, “This is what I’ll dress like when I’m running a youth research institute at Microsoft and heading to meetings where I get to present myself as a The Big Kid with the PhD.” 

A, you know I had dinner with our very, very dear acquaintance NQ Sunday night. I really can’t say enough about how good that dinner was for my soul. People like NQ remind me of the good in the world and that this is why we keep moving. And why people and being good are just so important. Maybe it’s weird to say, but when I see people like NQ I think, “I want to be good so that I am a person someone like NQ will be proud to call their friend and a fellow human in the world”. I bring this up because he is also going through a Very Big internal shift. Something must be in the water. And something about the best people I know all mulling the world over together, but in separate ways, feels just so comforting to me. A, we’re all Amateur Adults. You’re right, I do tend to move with a lot of conviction within this world. I am lucky to feel that. But I think part of it comes from a massive amount of loyalty (which, as we have seen in things like my marriage and even on a much smaller scale with DD4, is also a major weakness) I feel within the world. I aim my ship and I do not waver. We Do Not Stop because we have started and you always finish the things you start. So, I do not believe I give myself much opportunity for thinking about what could have happened had I taken an alternate path. And just as there are problems everywhere, there are also massive amounts of joy everywhere!

Here’s the major thing I’ve learned since the Really Hard Time: when decisions have been made (either for or by you), move with their current. Had I attempted to fight the current OH threw me into, I’d still be out there struggling. My parents visited this weekend and it was the first time they saw me as a Healthy Person. The last time they saw me I still spent hours staring into space, intensely meditating every morning, weighing 15 pounds less, stewing on my own thoughts. My dad told me how worried he had been about me. I told him that it would have been appropriate for me to be in that place an entire year. That only several months in that place is actually a little weird. He agreed, and also told me how strong I am. When I was struggling with leaving my neighborhood and telling him over and over how scared I was of running into OH and his girlfriend my dad said, “Where is the athlete I know? You have a game face. Use it.”

So, A, my food for thought: there will be missteps in every direction you move and every decision you make. There will be a way to second guess and believe that had you stayed put (or had you moved) things would be better. But also, if you get here, or wherever else you might go, and it is just So Very Wrong, you can leave again. You can find a better place or you can go back. This life is just too short. It is too short to not try all the cake and work on eating it. Don’t be too scared. The worst that can happen is a tummy ache. We’ve all got you. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

xo, 

A

“Doing the Grown Folk” is the best new thing in my world

Dear S,

(I’ve returned to writing this post a few times so there are a few different directions we’ll take together. If any twists and tangents are jarring, well, I’m sorry. Also, the title has no real guiding force on the organization of this post… I just really wanted to write it out somewhere and re-experience its magic!)

We’ve joked from time to time that I would make a great dad. The night of your date with DD4, after you texted me with, “All right girl. Here we go,” I paced around the kitchen while cooking and fell into this Dad Stance. I could not stop thinking about you on this date with this Boy that was failing to impress me. I told L that I was feeling “super coach-like,” but as I cooked, and sang to music in the kitchen by myself, I realized, “Oh my god, this would be me as a dad.”

Since reading your update that hasn’t really faded. I feel thin-lipped-grimace-unimpressed with DD4 and I feel chest-puffed-out-pride in you. The way you approached that situation and showed up in a way that honored your authenticity regardless of the outcome. It was magic, S. And I’m so proud to have been part of seeing you work through it. As a person, you bring a full spread to the table and when you find your co-captain…well fuck. Is that ever going to be a glorious table to pull up a chair to!

I like what you said in your post about WCBFF and the We. There is a huge We here. A Sense8 cluster of a We (v-Karma included). From your parents and awesome professors, to WCBFF, to Tall Boo, to me, there is so much community here I can barely contain how happy it makes me to think about.

Interestingly, community has been heavily on my mind lately. We have both indeed been getting weirdly into astrology lately. Guilty. (Perhaps even worse, I’ve been passing it around to everyone who will continue listening to me after I say… Do you know Chani Nicholas yet?) Chani’s writing has been offering food for soul-thought like no other right now. Frankly, I feel like an absolute sponge at the moment. Soaking up anything and everything that makes me consider and think through aspects of my life that haven’t been given enough attention. Trying to shine light into corners of myself that I’ve neglected. Trying to right a few overturned tables within me that I’ve been walking by for too long, dust them off, and set plates for a future meal I’ll cook for my loved ones. I feel myself oscillating between incredible hope and excitement for the future and the very heavy weight of my past mistakes. I have still not forgiven myself for mistakes and sometimes the lessons I want to learn from them leave me doubting myself in new ways. In particular my trust in any ability to make a good decision for myself. To step forward into a new life with conviction and courage. To know deep down that I’m being responsible and accountable to those I love the most. That I am being good for them and to them. I find these bison running circles around me this week.

You have talked a lot about being a Grown-Ass Lady and I envy the certainty with which you can say that sometimes. It’s something I hope to feel within myself sometime soon. Yesterday, I had a cry in my empty office (for a few reasons) but in part because I feel like an Amateur-Adult. If you are GA, I still feel stuck in fucking AA. We share the experience of feeling a lot of restlessness. I mean, I have “restless” tattooed on me. Evidence of a previous ritual to try and excise it. To try to weaken the grip I felt it had on me. I’m trying to learn to steady myself in this new life as well. In trying to do so, I also find my gaze and attention turning toward the act of steadying. What does that mean for me? Am I any good at it? Do I even know how to do that when what I’ve practiced most is continuously uprooted myself? Going along with one opportunity after another and showing little regard for how that might upset what I had already been building up until then…

Others have told me they experience me as a calm, steadying, and hopeful person. J’s mom liked to describe me as a “cool mountain stream.” Something peaceful and pleasant to be around. I always liked that description. It felt sweet, and light, and natural, and inarguably positive. It felt like she saw me in that moment. I never felt like she was a person with a particularly strong ability to see others. But, that resonated with me. Now, however, I find myself in doubt of those most basic descriptions sometimes. Am I peaceful? Or, am I chaotic?

Of course, Chani has been creepily on point with these things. This week while I’m in this swirling doubt storm Chani wrote:

My messy has purpose. I’m not meant to have it all together. Chaos has its own wisdom. Its own depth. Its own reasons for being. I work intuitively with it. Knowing which aspects to pay attention to. Which static to ignore. Which phantoms to let pass by me… I know that some things are ending. Some things are coming to a close. Some things are fading into the distance. I know that whatever is receding is creating the space for something else with a more resonant beginning. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings about it. It doesn’t mean that I’m cold-hearted about it. It doesn’t mean that It’s easy. But I accept it. Because that is what I do with mess. I accept what has happened so I can have a thoughtful response to it…

I know that restlessness has served a positive role in my life at times but I fear making messes now. I sometimes fear that is all I am good at making. How do I utilize a steadying force within myself—the one that rights the overturned tables and soothes those in pain all around me— and balance that with the conformity-hating force that flipped some tables over and caused pain in the first place?

The week I spent really coming to a sudden realization that not only would moving back to Chicago be a good, practical decision for me, but that I am at a point where I COULD actually choose to move back Chani wrote:

There is nothing like knowing that you have the support of many. That you can, when needed, tap into the great reserves of wealth that come to you via your communities, networks and friends. That you are not alone in the world. That you are not dreaming in a vacuum. That you are part of a larger effort, a collective need, a co-operative dream for justice… This week points to a transformation that you are personally going through in regards to your place amongst your people. Your connections with them. Your responsibilities to them. It’s OK to shift your focus, your goals, your roles. It’s positive to allow times of readjustment. Recalibration. Reorienting yourself to a deeper connection to all that you love. With so much going on at an internal level, give yourself permission to dream different dreams. Entertain new ideas. Play out different roles in your imagination. It will eventually lead you somewhere, but that place is still a gleeful mystery. Let the incubation of your next great growth cycle (starting one year from now) be a joyous one. Feeling full from the inside out will attract resonant matches for your work and talents. This week focus on believing in the power of your faith. In your ability to create the incredible from the inconceivable. In your ability to heal what once felt hopeless, but now feels ready for renewal.

These words in particular echo through my mind almost daily: “a transformation that you are personally going through in regards to your place amongst your people. Your connections with them. Your responsibilities to them. It’s OK to shift your focus, your goals, your roles. It’s positive to allow times of readjustment. Recalibration. Reorienting yourself to a deeper connection to all that you love. With so much going on at an internal level, give yourself permission to dream different dreams.” Sweet jesus.

I have been hedging on making a decision about moving. I use a million qualifiers. My therapist called me right out on that in one of our recent sessions. “Well A,” she said, “first, you have to make a decision.” That woman does not miss much. Yes, first I have to make a decision. And we know how hard those have become for me. I have to make a commitment to a direction.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking and feeling through this edge. What am I so afraid of? (I don’t know!) Why don’t I trust myself to make a decision? (Great. Fucking. Question.) Am I afraid of commitment? (I don’t think so…) Why am I hesitant to commit to returning to one of the only places that have ever felt like Home and to a We I belong to… in particular when Home and a We is what I’ve craved most of my life? Have my recent mistakes made me afraid to mess anything else up that I hold dear?

I think this hesitation makes me feel like an Amateur-Adult. There are definitely parts of me that still see me as a kid. It has felt like these bison have taken me on a real long training run this week. I’m trying to be patient with it all. Trying to ask, “what are all these fearful parts trying to teach me? What do they want me to know?”  

But sometimes, I also just think, What Would S Do… Oh right. She’d be a Grown-Ass Lady and recognize a good decision, a good step forward in a new direction, when it’s staring her in the face.

[makingoutinyour30s]

the quest for our co-captain

Dear A-

So here’s your DD4 post-dinner update. Because we went to a very warm, very cozy dinner last night. 

Let me first say that through dinner I couldn’t feel it. I swooned. I smiled. I craved a hand across the table. But I could feel that he wasn’t where it ends. Or even ends for now. There were a few moments during dinner last night where I reflected back on our first two dates. They were magic, they really were. I remember a moment at the bar on first date where we shared a common detail, he gave me this enormous grin, and looked at the ceiling and shouted, “I want to know more!” Or that moment on our second date where we hopped into the light structure in the artist loft, proclaiming it a time machine, and shut our eyes together with our faces inches from each other. Fun things like that are still happening, but they just don’t feel the same. Things feel less light. Less generous. Less adventurous. Not to say that things don’t shift the more time you spend with someone. But it’s almost like I can see a darker cloud where before there was nothing but light. 

So dinner. We spend most of dinner just chatting. Nothing too serious. But sort of talking about life, Thanksgiving, future plans. I waited until closer to the end of the meal to bring up a redo of Friday’s conversation because 1) I didn’t think it was going to be too long, 2) I didn’t want to put a weird tone on the evening if it didn’t go well, and 3) I knew that we could switch venues or stay for another drink if we want to continue it. It was a good decision. I said, “I think we should continue our conversation from Friday because it was confusing.”  He said, “What was confusing about it.” 

Oh come on. 

I told him it was still unclear to me what he wanted. And he asked me what I wanted. Which, looking back, seems stupid because he had a clear answer for himself. I told him that I enjoy spending time with him, it feels good to be around him, and I’d like to get to know him better. He echoed the same things. Said I was “really great” and that I “have a lot of opinions he likes”. And then explained what I think was a general lack of interest in a relationship. Now, I’m perfectly comfortable assuming this is some sort of line. Or something. I still find the last two weeks of this thing confusing. The request to see me more, the weird times spent on couches, the Getting Naked together last weekend. He said he’s been trying to figure some things out in the last few weeks - what he wants out of life (does he want to get married? to have kids?), work (does he want to stay at his job? sell his company?), and various other things (does he believe in god?). 

But. While he’s telling me this, I started to feel some old twinges. And then some things about myself. 

He’s been talking about his work a lot lately. And I get that this is a thing a lot of adults talk about because it consumes us in a lot of ways. But I definitely don’t care that much, if I’m being honest. A, you and I are two people who really love our work, but I think when we talk about it, it’s much more in the abstract sense. It’s about things we care about: social issues, research findings, etc. Not the logistics of being researchers or the day-to-day grind of it all. If I’m talking with someone about their work, I want to talk about their passions and disappointments in all of it. Not the gritty details. Or at least, I don’t want that to be the major focus of their conversations. But also, in general, I don't want to talk so much about someone’s job. 

But he’s also started to feel a little aimless to me. It’s fine to be confused in life. I am definitely at a place of restructuring and figuring out what this new life looks like for me. But I think I know the general direction into which I’m walking. But his feels like an aimlessness akin to OH’s. Not quite so all-encompassing, but similar. My brain has been harping and harping on his use of the word “restless” last week. And I thought a lot about what that means to me. Right now it means something different than it would have a year ago. Because right now I have a desire to steady myself a bit more than I have before, because I know I need a different and better foundation on which to move forward. Whereas before it was a constant poking and prodding of the foundation I had built, and was building, with OH. Almost like removing the blocks from a Jenga tower. Can we pull this one out? Nudge it a little? Without the whole thing falling over? 

DD4 can have a lot of fun. I know I reflected here on his joy a lot. And that was such a great alternative to OH, who was always so full of sturm and drang (yeah, I’m using that). And he talked a bit about how he’s the person his married friends call when they need someone to hang out with, because he’s fun and free. And I recognize that in myself now. And it’s a great place to be. It’s a place that gets you invited out for impromptu lunches, concerts, trips, whatever. I’ve had such great experiences in the last few months since becoming that person in my own social circle. But I also know, for me, that’s not enough for a life. I don’t want to just be an accessory to other people’s lives. And also: I love creating adventure. I don’t like to just wait for it to find me. And when I think about what I know of DD4′s social life, he seems often like an accessory for other people. Myself included. I think, perhaps, he has become accustomed to being this person for other people. I don’t think he has honed the ability to be the one creating surprises and adventures. And that is a thing I want. A few weeks ago Tall Boo and I had dinner and he was reminding me that I get to expect a partner to create events for me, as well, when I was spending much cognitive energy attempting to plan a great date. And yes, I know this. But sometimes I also think I am a great arranger, but not a great in-the-moment-er. And I thought this was perhaps a great way DD4 and I complimented each other. But now I’m a little like, “But what are your ideas? Where are the places you’re looking for amazing things?” If you value restlessness, DD4, what are you doing to challenge complacency? Take charge, my friend! Be hungry!

Here is also what I’m thinking about myself: I know I still have a lot to learn about this new version of life. So I will tentatively put this out there, with the understanding that I will maybe/probably change my mind as I make my way further into this world. I think I just work so much better with a co-captain. My parents raised me to be on a team. My parents are the best team I know. And as children we spent much of our free time working together on the farm, dad teaching me how to change the brakes in my car, building a dock for the lake, pruning trees, sanding, sawing, whatever. And my dad is one of the best, most patient teachers I’ve ever met. 

During dinner I told DD4 the above, after he asked what I had planned for a visit from my parents this weekend. And he sort of responded with, “That’s great. We never did anything like that in my family”. In your last post, A, you mentioned that DD4 hadn’t done a lot to make cognitive space for me. And something about this conversation was representative of that. These are the things about which I would have so many questions for a partner. This is what makes a person interesting and are the foundational things that shape a person. 

It might seem counterintuitive right now to believe that I might work better with another person, but I just think that’s the truth. I enjoy putting energy into other people. And I am having a difficult time these days figuring out where to direct it. I have been cooking a lot for friends. Making bread for the professor I teach with when she has a difficult week. Spending all day making broth for a sick friend. Snapping pictures of construction equipment for friends’ kids. Watching people’s kids so they can go out. Life feels richer to me with another person. Fuck, even in the last week of my marriage, roaming around Paris with an always-drunk partner I had many moments of, “I’m so glad we’re here together”. And I can look back and still see the honesty in that.

You and I have been getting weirdly into astrology lately. It’s nice to have thoughtful things to interpret and reflect on. And a line in this week’s has felt important to me: Find ways to hold your energy until the right moment. When the container is solid and ready, pour yourself in.

At the end of our recap conversation I asked where we go from here. And it sounds like he’s into continuing to hang out. Though, I’m assuming, probably not as much as we have been. I also assume these hangouts will continue to be largely curated by yours truly. If we place DD4 into the friend category I’m O.K. with this. If he’s my friend, and not a boyfriend, I’m O.K. ringing him up whenever I need a pal for a movie, an art show, trivia, etc. And I do believe we honestly enjoy doing these things with each other. Last night I texted my west coast BFF (we need a good code name for her, she shares the same initial) and gave her the update. She asked if I was O.K. being friends with DD4. And yes, I totally am. I did not fall in love with this dude. Or rather, what ringing sensation I had in my chest initially I can feel has faded. He is not the person who will run across streets holding hands with me. Yes, I will probably continue giggling like an adolescent when I’m with him. And he’ll be able to make me smile in a way that only a totally charming and handsome dude can. But there’s not enough underneath for me to dig in. 

Oh! Yes. Digging in.  I’m sorry, this is getting long and very scattered.

I didn’t sleep well last night. My brain was working a lot, thinking on all of this. I kept having this visual while I was coming in and out of sleep. In a similar way that I was thinking a lot about restlessness/complacency over the last week, my brain kept thinking about the words “Digging in”. And I kept picturing, bear with me, two people trying to eat a massive cake together. Like, the kind that is multi-tiered and very wide. But rather than using forks, it was fistfuls. I don’t want to eat my cake alone, A. We all have our own big questions we’re trying to figure out. And I stewed over walking up to this cake and thinking, “Well shit. I don’t know how I can eat this whole thing”. And if you sat alone and ate the giant cake it would be weird, right? You’d just be a person trying to eat a giant cake. But in my mind, with my imagining of Team S co-captain status, it’s two people encountering the cake, laughing hysterically together and saying, “Well, there’s nothing to do but try!” and digging in with bare hands. Eating until we’re sick. Pausing to talk about the absurdity and re-strategizing. And afterward telling people, “Did we ever tell you about that time we ate the giant cake?!”

There’s a lot of people helping me take bites of the cake right now. And that’s so awesome. And I’m so lucky. Last night when I was texting with West Coast BFF (Let’s just go ahead and call her WCBFF) she asked if I wanted to take a break from dating. I told her no, that this made me realize that I want a buddy, in some capacity. And she said, “Well then we are doing this thing over then!” And that “we” was so clutch. It was such a gift and a blessing. We will all work on this cake together right now. Because there will be more in the future to be eaten.

And then, to be honest, I am glad that it doesn’t seem DD4 has to go anywhere. I am perfectly comfortable texting him in a few weeks whenever I want a good meal and a laugh. And I am perfectly comfortable Doing the Grown Folk (as a former colleague called it) sometimes, if he’s up for it. I’m a grown-ass lady, after all. 

xo, S. 

[makingoutinyour30s]

one part of me sighs, “boys are dumb.” another says, “this is really all about the bison.”

Oh hi, S!

I just want to take a moment to voice my anxiety now that I have finally made an appearance. I realize my first blog post better be really damn good.

S, I am not annoyed with you for how you are feeling. I feel a mess of emotions, most fueled by the love I feel for you and how much I want this to be easy, joyous, enriching, and simply happy for you. When things are harder than they should be my sister-feathers get ruffled. You are not wrong to sense that I am annoyed, though. My annoyances circle around me a bit like a swarm. Hard, at first, to find the center. But, as I’ve reflected on it the center isn’t you. It is, as you might expect, DD4. Perhaps even more accurately, my struggles in coming to a stable understanding of what is going on here.

I know that through this experience you have sometimes been less than vulnerable. Felt that you have been choosing to stay guarded when maybe, you know that you are more interested in engaging with life bravely and without walls up. However, like I said to you this morning, I have felt like you told him much more clearly than he has communicated to you that you like him. You have physically initiated. You have been cute and charming. You have been thoughtful about the experiences you’ve crafted to share with him. You have carved out space for him physically, emotionally, cognitively, and socially. You have explicitly said that YOU like HIM. While you have used strategies to avoid opening up in many ways, you have not filled your answers with vagaries when it comes to how you like him. My greatest unease comes from his employment of ambiguity in answers to questions that specifically place YOU as the subject. He is a smooth and thoughtful talker when it comes to topics where HE is the subject. I think I just want to see you at the center of his thinking. My own stuff with J made me realize that I am someone who can be spun around by smart people who know how to talk about feelings and desires but then exhibit behavior that feels incongruent. Some of what you’ve shared gives me that familiar feeling of being spun.

One can be spun by accident and one can be spun on purpose. We both tend towards giving people generous reads. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Giving people space enough to fuck up with us without losing us. A new edge for me, a new skill I am learning now is to simply notice and then pay attention to an underdeveloped intuition. The feeling that something here is off. By no means do I think that things are over here. By no means do I think DD4 is a Bad Dude. I want you to engage hopefully. I want you to manifest exactly what you want and we have talked about how it is important to engage in interactions with the energy you wish to infuse them with and not out of places marked by fear and hesitation. During this time of confusion, I think my expressions of annoyance are my way of holding some of that for you. Holding some hesitation. My left eyebrow raised, firm gaze, eyes slightly narrowed, arms crossed, standing in front of my sister feeling a bit unimpressed by what sometimes looks like a very handsome but “dumb boy.” You just deserve more. That is all my annoyance is trying to communicate to me and to you.

Last night I had some friends over for dinner, drinks, games, and hangs. Near the end of the night, after you and me texted a bit, I filled them in on some of the latest happenings with DD4. They know a bit about what happened with OH and have asked about you from time to time. (You’ve got a little network of concerned strangers out here.) As I relayed the specifics and described the state of things (as of last night), they all effectively responded with “boy bye.” As you and I both tend to be more generous, I felt surprised by the firmness in their response. “Not worth it and this feels like game playing,” one said. “Boys are stupid but they are usually clearer than this,” another chimed in. Some unimpressed grimaces went around the room. But, I felt uneasy about this too. We are researchers right? I kept thinking, especially early on in getting to know someone, how on earth do you tell the difference between someone retreating and needing time to think and someone who is playing games? How can you differentiate between someone who is self-reflective and trying new and unfamiliar ways of being in the world (which would explain being clumsy in their execution) and someone who is manipulating things to keep them unclear? What is the right balance between being firm about what is right for you and being generous with others and allowing people to learn and grow and fumble things? How can we be advocates for ourselves while embracing that people are imperfect? I just do not have a good answer to this. And perhaps it is unknowable early on. I do feel like a detective, though, trying to suss that out.

My verdict is still out as to whether DD4 will or will not be capable of giving you that which you deserve. I have been playing a ton of basketball again, and I feel a bit like a coach, giving one last start to a player who has a ton of inherent potential but who has not been applying himself enough. A player who is not showing up for the team enough to go to the next level or in ways that I believe he is capable of showing up. I am waiting to see if DD4 can be a leader, a co-captain, and deserves to start more games—or if he’ll be moved to the second string (a friend), or ultimately benched (not even a friend). Right now, depending on his next moves, the generous part of me that feels right about accurately seeing his potential is willing to give him another start.  

As I was beginning to outline my thoughts, L was in the kitchen making us breakfast when she suddenly came into the living room. In her blue patterned robe, she walked in with conviction, and stopped just a few feet into the room. “It feels to me like S thinks she has something to prove and she doesn’t. Not to him.” I agreed. Then, “I had something else, but I forgot.” (She never remembered, by the way.) I jotted down the comment about proving something and smiled at how endearing I found her second comment. She turned and left, returned to making poached eggs. S, you don’t have anything to prove. Not to him. I think you had something to prove to yourself about vulnerability. About bravery. About not letting yourself down. Something about how you would push yourself to remain vulnerable and to engage with the world wholeheartedly despite the hurts you have suffered. Despite having spent time in Azkaban. Despite sometimes still shaving off old layers left behind by the time spent with OH.  

I have been talking a lot about feelings and vulnerability with a new important friend I met on that retreat I went to, which we all affectionately call “therapy camp.” (An experience I should tell you more about in its own post perhaps.) I shared with her, and I want to share with you this amazing supernatural “advice column.” It’s poetry, really. A poet channels Baba Yaga (my girl!) and offers profoundly beautiful perspective to people’s questions. All our talking about the feelings that have come up for you, about vulnerability, and about how you have handled everything life has thrown at you reminded me of this post:

When I stop investing time in thinking about DD4 and just think about you, my feelings change dramatically. And I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. Your friend joked, accurately, about how the Really Hard Time was akin to serving a sentence in Azkaban. But I don’t believe you were locked up in misery. Instead, I saw you walking, every day, towards the bison herd. OH’s actions affected you, but they did not imprison you. You never let them imprison you the way I let things with J imprison me for some time. Those experiences have not changed you and they have not damaged you into becoming some other person, some version of yourself that is forever changed or forever different. You never aimed to approach the bison as something to be killed and butchered. You also never tried to wall them in leaving them to fester and sicken. You are one of the bravest people I know.

I’ve been enjoying “bison” a lot. (Bison as emotions and bison as a visual to engaged with.) In a previous post you talked about the sensation of growing wings. Sometimes when I am feeling elated, so connected to the world or to people, or joyful about newly imagined futures in which I thrive, I imagine a posse of bison walking behind me. We stroll down the campus mall in harmony, enjoying the sun and the breezes. We listen to a new playlist I just started filled with music that make bison sway, and we radiate smiles and good vibes to those around us. You have been gentle and generous with your reads of DD4, I hope you give yourself the same courtesy when reflecting on any mistakes you may have made this round. May your bison give you a nod for the bravery you showed this weekend. May your bison give you a nod for the follow up text you sent to DD4. I’m proud of you for proving to yourself that you are capable of new ways of being vulnerable and ever more authentic ways of being in the world.

I read through a bunch of old posts before writing this one. Since the Really Hard Time, man has the sun ever come out. Some mornings maybe you still wake up to a cloudy day. Some experiences, like this confusion with DD4, bring some mist and fog rolling back in… but oh how the sun is shining on you dear sister, and it makes my heart happy.

Girl, when I see you in December, I am pretty sure it is going to feel like our bison are frolicking through downtown Chicago together. Not long now.

xo,

a.