makingperfect

[makingperfect]

Air that once was breath - Caelica 83

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: getting it back

I’m back and can’t complain. This year has had its ups and downs but I can’t complain. Though I don’t know where I’m going I never stop. God gives me strength so I never stop. Sometimes I think too hard and I just wait. I’m always wanting to be sure so I just wait. Other traits fail me so I just love. There can never be too much of it so I just love.

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Thoughts: New Year ....New Me?

Is that kind of cliche? Probably, but it’s ok we all do the same thing. Hope that a new year would not come with as many disappointments. I am not giving up, but what I can say is that every year is bound to come with trials. I hope the new year does bring new journeys, people, and just maybe a new love? I also need to make sure I try to deepen my relationship with my one and only savior. I can kinda say though this year I will be starting from a new slate. I’m transferring schools and don’t have anyone in my immediate life right now.... and I’m okay with that. Of course I am a sucker for love and thats always what I hope to find in life, I’m just not sure if thats what 2018 will hold. It might just be another period for me to go through alone.

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Thought: Okay

When did our world become soo fake? Was it always this fake? Have we really always been so insensitive? We are accustomed to saying certain things and doing certain things just because society wants us to. But we apart of society though..right? Okay... thats we say to people to make them stop asking questions in my opinion. The most common opener when talking to someone is “How are you,” and without a doubt the first thing out of the person being greeted is “okay” whether or not that’s true. If it’s someone you know very well you might throw in a little uncertainty like fish bait just wanting to see if that person really knows you or just to be a little honest with yourself. Responding to an acquaintance you may say it and finish with a nice smirk or top to bottom smile maybe to assure the other person of their status or to convince themselves that they are really okay....even though they know the truth. Either way both the person asking and the person telling are usually lying. Is the person asking “How are you,” really listening and wanting to know how that person really is doing? Either way we need to start doing better about sensitivity in out society. smh guess thats all for now can’t think of everything I want to say. 

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: Its been a long time

For a while I tried faking it again... and I just end up in the same position; wanting to be the person inside. It’s not that I actually put on a mask now it’s like when I get around people I can’t help but act the way they want me too. I’ve learned to control it a little more each and every day. I have been so caught up in everything and everyone around me but, the last time i cried out for God he showed me that I need to be more independent of people and more dependent of him. I also need to learn to be by myself sometimes. The transition is hard right now but I’m sure it can only get better over time. I don’t know what will happen if I don’t get over this before i get to college. 

In my house my sister and I were taught that was happens in this house stays in this house. Privacy is everything. Along with that is also the fact that no one in my family actually talks about anything real. My sister and I are just learning how to do it and I don’t understand how were both able to last this long without being able to confide in a family member. Lately I have been pretty quiet and my parents think it’s about something they said about this boy i kinda talk to but in reality we never talk. The only difference in the way I am now and the way I was is that I don’t elaborate on anything we talk about which is either their marriage, school, or college. Grown ups always say “you’ll understand” ( and some of it I believe) but most things don’t change. Young and old people can act selfishly and can be closed minded so it doesn’t necessarily matter about age it’s the person. My parents are great at turning every conversation about themselves but i know many teens my age so selfless. 

Maybe I’m wrong about the things I believe or say but no one knows everything for sure. 

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: Answers

From the our very first moments as human beings we fill our lives with things to occupy us. It’s hard for most human beings to actually sit and think about all the aspects of life and our sole purpose here on earth. Its scares mankind to think about oblivion and the unknown. The greatest victim to this are what most people refer to as scientist. They are so wrapped up in finding more and more about things they can’t understand and when they “think” they have answered one question they move on to the next hoping to reach a dead end. Some things should be left answered. I think that is how God would have wanted it. I also think that is why he is GOD! If everyone knows everything then what good would that do? It’s easier to live life not thinking too deep into things and I think it saves us from self pride. The faster we learn this the easier it will be to put faith in God .... just as he wants.  

[makingperfect]

Most of these days I spend more time crying and faking it then living and enjoying each and every day. I would say that one day I'll be happy and one day I'll smile again but I heard on one of my favorite shows that happiness isn't a destination its a feeling and what we are really looking for is what or who gives us that feeling. I am really just typing right now anything that's on my minds its the only way to keep me sane. It kinda occurred about two seconds ago why it felt like I was holding my breath for a long time and now I know why. I need to write out my thoughts and feelings because it simply just helps. Right now things are honestly bad and I know I can handle it with God. If I'm being honest with my myself it's still freeing hard, but the only thing I know how to do to get back on track is to get closer to him and reconnect. I know I have stayed from him and that I could do better although I'd rather it be "us" taking on these hard times.

The fact that I know I have been distant from my God and haven't done anything to fix it makes me sick to my stomach. It's the reason why I cry for a while and then start screaming and crying harder and louder. 

Earlier when I was crying I wound up looking at myself in a mirror and wondering why I was being soooo conceded and feeling sorry for myself, and I came to the conclusion that all pain is Pain just like all sin is sin. Our flesh automatically rates thing and people by how good and bad they are. But who are we to tell ANYONE how they feel? If someone looses a family member are they allowed to hurt more than a person who lost a friend? You can answer that for yourself. So yes, my pain hurts you may not understand it but that is fine but what I do understand is that it's mine and only I can feel it and that "It is demanded to be felt".

[makingperfect]

Thoughts

No one's perfect. I think everyone knows that.

I messed up. My parents found out that I went to eat with some of my friends and then came back to my house to hang out. Soo I'm grounded for almost a month and school hasn't even started yet. I think that's a new record. I actually don't get in trouble that often, but when I do I feel like its really bad. Just when I thought this year was going to be best yet, it all gets taken away. I had just finished cheer camp this past week, got my parking pass (that is in the senior parking lot), and my finger is feeling better. Now I'm grounded until homecoming and can't drive to school. On the other hand we went to the dermatologist and he put me on hormone birth control and other medicines for my acne! I think to any teenage girl that news is like opening gifts on Christmas day. I am actually ready for school this year. This summer was filled with many adventures and memories including going on my first date a couple of weeks ago. Although I loved this summer I am ready to get back to school so I can have something to do from 7am-3pm, and to be able to have that time away from parentals. Beginning of the year also means FOOTBALL! For about a month Friday nights will be the only fun I will have. yay. Guys this year...I won't have to worry about. I'm done with all of that drama I am just going to stick with my fam.

[makingperfect]

Thoughts

When I think about my life I don't think I've just had the worst one possible or that it's just terrible. I think about the unlucky circumstances that we all go though. And personally I am wayyyy to accident prone. I don't mean just physically but emotionally in relationships. Two or three things always happen in my relationships. For a while I would alway blame the other person , but when it starts happening all the time it only makes sense that it's me. I just don't know what to do now I try to not worry about how the other person reacts and worry about making sure I'm doing my best but that's hard to do after a while.

[makingperfect]

Thoughts

When I heard Juniors and sophomores say they have senioritis when I was younger I didn't realize exactly what they meant, but I definitely do now. Honestly my High school experience hasn't been all that terrible, but I have never felt more lonely and limited. I'm soo ready to be done with all that shit up there. I'm not ready to be done with all the people and memories though. One of the worst things about senior besides loosing most of my friends is that I have to share it with my sister. We will both be seniors but she will be graduating from college .... Hopefully. As everyone says her graduation is way more serious and way more important. My dad is even making us share one big graduation party. When I first heard about this I was sooo pissed but having a conjoined party does have it's advantages. The night of my party I'm probably going to want to go out so I can just leave after saying hi to everyone because they will still have a graduate to celebrate and graduation parties are just a formal name for "a party for your parents and their friends". I guess it's a win-win now that I look at it I get a party of people giving me money and a distraction for my parents why'll I turn up!

[makingperfect]

Thoughts

I'm sooo excited for next year. As far as I know it can't get any worse than this past school year. Hopefully teachers are going to be better along with cheer, golf, cotillion. I am hope i will get asked to homecoming and even better a relationship. I've done some stuff and been in a few amateur relationships, but I've never had a long lasting relationship or one that my parents have know about.

[makingperfect]

A heart

So much depends 

On a heart

pumping and pumping 

it can only love so much?

it's like music

to our song of life

~2010~

[makingperfect]

No matter

No matter 

how big or small

mad or glad

happy or sad 

I love them All

~ 2010~

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: not about you

A lot of people say I shouldn't worry about my weight, but when people tell you that you should or comment about it it gets stuck in your head. When it gets stuck it just replays and the only way to stop it is to do something about it. The other day I went out to get something to eat for my family and I was asked if I wanted something and the immediate answer I got was "of coarse you do". I know there are others out there that have been though worse and I hate when people gloat, but this is just what I'm thinking about. My heart and head can't help but think about what other people are thinking about every minute of the day. I know that everyone has been bullied one way or another and if there is anyone who hasn't I would love to meet them. Personally I have been bullied God only know how many times, but I have to say the worst bulling that has ever happened to me or mentally impaired me has been by my family. I think that's because I care about what they think about me more than anyone else. The thing I hate the most probably more than anything is how people ask about you and always turn it around to make it about themselves. I think I'm pretty good about not doing that myself.

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: unconditionally

Thinking a lot about the next school year and all that comes to mind are bad thoughts. I want to make good grades, get asked to homecoming, and just be a better person overall. Last year was all the opposite of a great year, but that's no surprise. I really should have tried harder. I want the desired of my heart to come true and my dreams to come to life. Who can blame me for wanting...wanting. If there is anything I want besides being closer to God is wanting someone physical in my life that has unconditional love towards me. I guess humans will always let you down and it seems the harder I try to love someone the more I feel them pulling away.

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: parents

Right now my life sucks, and yes I know everyone's does at least at one point in time. I can't wait till the day I can say that "It WAS rough". 

My parents are the usual strict parents, but there is something more and I can't put my finger on that makes them seem just different. Oh wait.... yeah they're MY parents. I'm not really close to either of them and I really don't want to be. There was a point in time when they weren't talking and they both use to vent to me ...... it was terrible. At one point in time i kinda was leaning towards my dad more, but that was only because my mom swore my dad, sis, and I were against her or whatever. My mom and I have really bad past and after this one accident it has never been the same....and may never be. 

[makingperfect]

Thoughts: I am Black

Just like every other teen in the world I have my insecurities, fears, and feelings. This is me just getting all of them out. I think I have started about a million journals and only finished few, but who doesn't finish things? God is the most important thing in my life but it's everything after that is what I get messed up. My family is pretty average i guess compared to others. We have major issues keeping everything to ourselves and following the phrase "what happens in this house stays in this house". I am Black but I'm not prejudice like my parents, ignorant like the stereotype (the world views us as), or a sellout (black people who want to be white). I am a black girl who can be proper at appropriate times, open to everyone's friendliness regardless of color, and still proud to be black and wouldn't change it for the world! 

I have been called every word in the book by every color in the world either because I don't "act black" and "act white" or because I am very blunt. Just because I am a cheerleader, in my school's academy, and can make a complete sentence doesn't mean I "act white".