makingtheunconsciousconscious - Tumblr blog

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

The man who chases 2 rabbits catches neither

Which rabbit will I chase now?

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

I came to it today. The realization that I was still holding on to that hot coal. And I didn't want to believe that I was... almost 5 years later... after the whole Kristen thing, I was still holding on to the coal. Triggered by the thought of her.. and by the things I saw... the terribleness I experienced.. the fear.. the hatred, resentment, irritation.. so I decided that I am forgiving her. I have forgiven her. Connecting with that space.. of love.. of unconditional, divine love... was never the same, and I see, that it was tinged with the trauma of hurting her.. of that time.. so feeling this greatness lof unconditional love and opportunity also brings back some memories of Kristen.. and that time.. when I tried to teach her to love herself.. to teach her that she is whole.. when I felt that I could save her and Brandon and break the chain of abuse.. I did, but not without experiencing some deep emotional wounds myself. I thought back to that time today. Because I am learning again and I have made the commitment again to love unconditionally. To be love and to attract abundance and miracles. The vibration that I had during famine, during lightning, during EDC, and this was tinged with the guilt.. with the shame, with the fear, with the hatred.. which pulled me back down..

I must break these feelings.. and the association of these feelings with my divine state.. of being if I want to be whole and happy and purposeful again, and it begins with awareness. So I'm grateful for the awareness that my reflection has brought me today. I will continue to embody love and christ consciousness in every moment. The world needs me. I need me. The people around me need me. And God needs me to be the person that He put on this world to make a difference and carry out his loving, divine plans for my life. I am grateful, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

God is the totality of the good and the evil, the light and the dark. God is not just the good, God encompasses all.

Jesus was the embodiment of the good. The devil, the evil. Imo. Maybe by the nature of God, God encompasses more good than evil. Idk. But God made and understands the laws and rules of nature that man does not necessarily comprehend.

Then beyond the good and evil, there are forces which are natural and which serve both good and evil. They are neutral and depending on one's choices and on the way in which one lives their life, they help one fall further into the good or further into the evil. It maintains a trajectory. Be good. Do good. And good will continue to come. Be good in all aspects of your life and it will ripple out into the meso and macro levels of society.

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

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[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

The system was created to diminish choice and freedom for the many. They don't even realize that they're stuck in the rat race- working as hard as they can to survive. Some will make it out, but few will realize that they are but rats in a maze, expending energy, focus, time, precious moments of their lives to benefit the controllers of the experiment. Focusing on surviving, living from day to day. Not realizing that this is an elaborate trap. And that they are building the path for an even longer, more elaborate maze for those to follow. The rats that will follow in their footsteps, never seeing another way because the path has been developed for years and years, become more elaborate as generations go on and this is all they ever knew and will ever hope to know. Will an evolution of consciousness occur? Will they ever break free from the race? Or will they continue to blindly, ignorantly follow the path that has been set out for them? The path that their forefathers walked. The only path they know?

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

My anxiety has been through the roof for the past couple of days... which is why I am so grateful for my boyfriend who has been here to ground and comfort me... but I want to be stronger and overcome my personal and mental challenges by myself, so I don't build an unhealthy dependence on him...

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

Competition is the killer of happiness

Dude... I realize where all this insecurity is coming from.. this not feeling good for my boyfriend.. feelig like i dont fit with him even though he's an awesome dude... this paranoia of him wanting tk be with someine else.. of him being better off with someone else.. with him pairing off with someone who would be a better fit.. i look for these things because... you probably guessed it.. childhood traumas.. childhood abuse.. as a child my mom would compare me to other girls all the time.. my sister.. my cousin.. anyone.. "you should be more like.. blah blah blah..." and so that left me feeling like i was never good enough.. never enough.. never where i should be.. like i should always aim higher.. but no matter how much i improved and succeeded... i always had that feeling.. it stayed with me.. that feeling of never matching up.. never being good enough.. never being good enough being just me... that stuck with me.. and it took me this long to realize that.. but now that i recognize this broken part, i can begin to heal this part of me. I am grateful for this insight.. and I know that this isnt something im going to do as a parent. I will never tell my child she isn't as good as so and so or that she needs to be more like someone else. Instead, I want to encourage her to be authentic, to tell her that she is an amazing human being.. to empower her and make her feel good about herself. Let her know that she doesn't need to feel pressured to be more like anyone else.. i want her to have a healthy sense of self... i want her to love herself unconditionally.. but i know that if I want to pass this on to her.. i have to practice it myself... and i need to recommit to this since i fell off the horse all those years ago. It's time to get back up and ride

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

Rules of life

Challenge ideas not people

Take nothing personally: each persson has a right to express themselves in the capacity that they have. Not everyone is going to as eloquent, is going to be able to express their ideas fully.. everyone is learning and growing.

Judge nobody: each person has their own path with different perspectives and different values. Understand where they come from, their background, why they think and believe the way that they do. You may be surprised and have your eyes opened if you keep an open mind

Love everyone (obviously!) - this goes withiut saying.. we are all perfect & flawed at the same time- the paradox of being human. Love each other unconditionally. Sometimes you will never understand another person.. and it is not possible to understand another fully.. but it is possible to love fully, so love

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

The more I spend time with other people and other families, the more I am beginning to realize just how maladjusted my family was... but it's all begining to make sense.. putting together the pieces of why I act a certain way or why I don't feel comfortable in normal situations... I didn't grow up in a normal environment, so my idea of normal is skewed... but it's so hard to be normal when you're comfortable with the opposite

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

I think that education is great to perpetuate the system that we’re in, but honestly, i think it’s a fraud. the happiest people aren’t necessarily the most educated. you know, we push for education like it’s the best thing in the world, and while, yes, it can be empowering, it’s limited. people push for education and say, it’s the only thing that no one will ever be able to take away from you. bull shit. if you can take a life, you can take an education. also, i learned a lot but have also forgotten a lot lol so what does it really mean? true education doesn’t necessarily come in the form of school. it doesn’t come in the form of textbooks or cramming until 4 am. true education is understanding life. understanding who you want to be and how you want to navigate through it. education isn’t the memorization of facts, statistics, and numbers. that stuff will go with your brain and body. what stays is the impact that you leave in the world. the story people tell about you. it’s how you lived and how much you loved. it seems so simple, like it can’t be that simple, but that’s what society wants you to think. it wants you to think that truth is this imperceptible, unobtainable, great, vast thing and yeah it is, but it also isn’t. it’s not something you just think about and conceptualize... it’s an all senses thing. it’s how you feel, everything. idk

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

God, I really need to kick this tumblr addiction, but it’s such a great escape. I was in the middle of doing some reading for my assignment with 15 minutes left before the online submission closed, and I fucking opened up tumblr. Holy shit. And I keep looking up stupid things like.. whther I am an INFJ or an INFP and each time, I don’t know, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m even either of them! I might even be an ISFJ or ISFP, but dude! I just don’t know, and I probably shouldn’t thinkinb about this kid of stuff, but I’m so curious, even now, I’m wondering what the makeup of tumblr is. I wonder what personality types come on here, and if one predominates in a way that isn’t aligned with the general demographics of the world. Gahhhhh I just wanna learn this stuff, I find it to be so fascinating but also annoying when I get into the nitty gritty details. Bleh the tertiary and stuff is like.. ughhhh.. just tell meeee

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

periods of growth feel like periods of unconsciousness.. i go through all these motions and emotions and pain.. and then i emerge and come back to and wonder why i spent so much time in that space. and i wonder why i continue to go back there when i know how to come back to consciousness. we choose how we want to live in every moment. conscious, unconscious. i need to be more aware. need to be more mindful. need to breathe. and be grateful. because i am beyond blessed, it’s true. i am.

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

it fucking sucks because i’m so fucking scared of losing this guy to someone else. i’m so fucking.. attached.. i hate it.. i hate it. i hate that i’m so afraid to lose a person... i hate that i need to know where i stand with him.. i hate when he inaccessible.. i hate when i dwell on things that i know i shouldn’t dwell on.. i hate when thoughts like... oh he must love her.. oh he must be waiting for them to break up to get with her... she’s so much prettier than i am. she seems so much lovelier than i am.. and all these insecurities crop up.. and i’m stuck in these damn feeling spirals.. i know he says he loves me.. but his actions dont show it.. i don’t know how to feel. i want to run away.. i don’t want to be attached to uncertainty.. i don’t want to be attached to him.. i just want to be my best.. but if i lose him, i know i’ll be devastated.. why.. you don’t evenn really like him that much. he’s not the most fun guy to be around. he’s obsessed with stupid things and spends his money like he has all the money in the world.. except for when it comes to you. he’s only extravagant in front of his friends.. why?? why are you so afraid to lose someone who you mean so little to.. and a part of me thinks.. i don’t mean nothing to him.. and it’s the demons in my head trying to scare me out of a good thing... but miranda.. fuck dude who is she does he love her.. what if he does.. i have to ask him next time i see him.. why am i so threatened.. she has a boyfriend and they’re happy and have been together forever. they travel the world together and do lots of fun stuff, so why am i so.. insecure.. well.. its because.. i don’t know if he loves me.. well.. do you love him? yes.. he loves you, you know. are you sure you aren’t projecting? do i love him? i think so? i dont know. you know, you might be projecting. you’re afraid of losing a life line and nothing more. you’re afraid of the instability that losing him will cause. you’re afraid of being alone again.. i am not.. are you sure? you know that you might no be financially stable after college.. he’s a good fallback, isn’t he? stop using this poor boy to meet your own selfish needs. he’s a person.. not a thing.. if you want to be with him, you have to love and trust him unconditionally... are you prepared to do that? hell the fuck no. then back off.. stand up on your own two feet. you don’t need him to fulfill you. you can be whole and amazing and spectacular on your own. you don’t need his help. you are whole on your own, and the only person you can truly rely on is God. G-O-D. got it? stop putting so much weight on a human. they can only handle so much. God has got you through everything. Spend more time there. It matters more. Walk with the Lord always. The universe has always always got your back. And always have your options open baby because you just never know when a human will slip. If he does, you’ll be ready. 

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

Idk what to say. I made the threat again. We love each other, but we're not on the same page. He wants freedom.. to grow and be himself andd not be tethered down and good for him thats all ive wanted for him from the beginning... so i break up with him.. knowing that this is what he needs.. and knowing too, that i want something else. Something more stable something i can fall back on. Someone i can rely on. And i know its weird.. just today i was talking about how excited i was to move in and now, 10 hours later, its a different story. We talked about what he wants.. and what I want.. and we want different things and I've known this... but i forget why we broke up and get back together. Our futures do not line up and thats okay. I have other options. I cant put all my eggs in this basket. Im taking all my eggs out actually because this isnt the basket theyre supposed to be in. They arent safe here.

I dont know if im moving here anymore. Its all up in the air. I can't justify it anymore. Give myself to this person who doesn't see me as a permanent fixture in his life the way i see him. I want to be all in with a person. All in, every day and know that this will continue well into the future.. 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20, 30, 40, til death. Knowing that i will grow old with someone who will always be there through the thick and thin.

He says he'll still be there, but not to the extent that I want. No, i wont settle. I will find that man who treats me like a queen, as though he were my king. Right now, I have a servant. And a servant is no king. Kings treat their queens to anything they wish. They shower her with gifts and treasures. Nothing is too good for his majesty. A king will travel far and wide to find the perfect thing that will make his queen happy.

Now, a servant, is only willing to do what is asked but nothing more. He is not willing to go that extra mile unless he is obligated to. The servant is only good for doing petty bidding....

Brandon cares only for himself and just tells me what he thinks i want to hear so he stays in the clear. Theres no future with him. And i am a fool for loving him. Love isnt something that can be so easilt taken away. I have to withhold my affections for him for my own sake.. for my own good.. for my own sanity. I can't justify living with him down here anymore. 4 years then what... everything i expect...

Nothing.. i begin from scratch? Idk it sounds like a worat-case but idk... i have several men who would leap at knowing im back on the market.. and maybe id be happier with any if them.. so why does my heart hurt when i think about being with anyone else..

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

I miss a lot. I miss hanging out with my girls in norcal. I miss cosplaying and anime conventions. I miss punk rock. I miss the freedom. I miss the lack of responsibility.

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

okay i’m so pissed off.... ughhhh..... i’m so doneeeeee...

okay i love my roommate but i’m fucking pissseedd yoo i’m hella angry because we were talkinga bout religion then she comes at me sideways saying.. well you’re just gonna believe what these white people have been throwing at you blah blah blah.. and i was like.. waaaaaaaaatttttt nahhhhhh like this whole institution of religion is white. christianity is white. then she goes nah it has african roots then i’m like... WHAAAAAATTT WHERE HOW?! AND SHE GOES EDUCATE YOURSELF AND I’M LIKE WAAAAAATTT WHAT EVIDENCE I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS LIKE WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM WITH THIS INFORMATION IF ITS WRONG INFORMATION YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT. AND SHE’S LIKE YOU NEED TO EDUCATE YOURSELF AND SHE WAS TOTALLY JUST SPOUTING SOME NONESENSE JUST TO BE RIGHT AND I’M LIKE WAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT AND THE AMOUNT OF LIES THAT ARE JUST COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH I’M JUST LIKE WAAAAATTT NOOOOO and then ir emembered that you know people lie just to try to be right then they get trapped in a corner then try to flip it around onto you and then you’re left like.. wait whaaaaatt just happeend?! and i think i was just gaslighted and now i’m just pissed because she really just tried to lie and tell me that christianity has black roots evevn though she said  herself she knows nothing about the religion doesn’t look iit up just follows it.. and i’m like.. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT

this is why jordan peterson stresses being impeccable and honest with your word because you can’t just say things and act like they’re fact even though you don’t know what the hell you’re talkinga bout~!!! jfkdslfj sljfal;jsfda lsk it doesn’t make any sense!!! i mean yeah i know you got stuck in a corner but don’t flip it around just admit that you don’t know alnd we move on dont make it a personal attack on  me like i’m just trying to make new schemas of the world jjust trying to understand a nother person’s perspective.. don’t get mad at me becays you dont know what you’re talkinga bout and have to resotrt ot making up fake shit..

surround yourself with people who you know are impeccable with their word. surround yourself with people who actually know what the fuck they’re talkinga bout. surround yourself with people who are educated and think critically. surround yourself with people who are authentic with every word taht they say.

but that’s okay.. the next thing i want to say is forgiev people because we’re all human and we’re all learning and no one is perfect and people are goiing to lie.. just be cool.. you’re not going to find a perfect person out there who lies about nothing or who at leaset doesn’t stretch the truth you know. people are primarily in the game for self-interest. it’s all good.

just do you, focus on what you need to get done in the world. keep your eeys on the goal and don’t let anyone impede you or slow you down. talk to people to understand them but don’t let them bring you down you know. eye the prize. we gonn’ do this. but also note to self, don’t ask a nonexpert what the facts are. facts are facts opinions aren’t fact. and sometimes someone will tell you their opinion and frame it as though it were a fact. just... think critically.. and please take EVERYTHING someone says with a grain of salt.

great, wonderful. phew man.. that was bothering me. writing really is relieving.

[makingtheunconsciousconscious]

i just learned about these two universal principles, the pareto effect and the zipf effect.. the matthew effect, so i guess three, and my mind is in disillusionment right now.. what does this mean for movements? what does this mean in regards to income inequality? what does this mean about social structures? can we ever really reach a utopia? no. i dont think we can anymore. because of these.. universal laws.. they organize themselves. we see it everywhere. the writing is on the wall.. now what? it’s inescapable. no matter what social structure we put into place, it’s always going to arrange itself into this distribution. now what?

so what is the point? what’s the point? what’s the point of social change? it’s not going to matter, there are always going to be people at the bottom from my understanding.. is this really true? what happened to norway what happened to sweden denmark? do these universal laws play out as far as income inequality? i don’t know but now i’m curious