malereflections

[malereflections]

Understanding My Secret Desires

I have not been able to explain how I, as a straight-appearing, married, father, grandfather, and educated professional, would rather late in life discover a relatively strong attraction to men. It is as if some heretofore hidden desires have been unlocked, releasing subconscious longings and repressed cravings I never imagined possible. This is all the more perplexing since I was raised in a conservative, church-going family in which such things would have been unspeakable to even contemplate. Of course, no one in my family or circle of friends and colleagues has a hint of such things. They would without exception be utterly shocked and horrified to learn of my secret fantasies.

This unexplained attraction is not romantic, but rather sexual. One key aspect of this attraction that is quite surprising is that I only imagine (and entertain fantasies of) myself in a submissive or passive (bottom) role with men. My fantasy usually involves me in a submissive position servicing and being utterly ravished by a dominant, well-hung male, often a large black male. It is this aspect of the attraction that I would like to understand.

I am a firstborn, and I have worked for much of my career in the role of manager and president of a company. I have also served in other positions of leadership, such as professional association president and Sunday School class president. In these, I am the one who is in control. It has been suggested that my desire to be controlled by a dominant top is really an unconscious desire to let someone else be in charge for a change. That may partly be true, but it does not fully or adequately explain the nature of the attraction. 

The primary object of my desire, and the instrument by which I long to be dominated, is the large erect cock of a strong, virile male. In my typical fantasy, the male is masculine and muscular, with tanned, hairy body, shaved head, and goatee. His organ is long, thick, and slightly curved, with prominent veins and pronounced flanged head. He is long lasting and multi-orgasmic. His ballsack is heavy and low hanging, and his fertile balls are filled with manly seed with which to breed passive bottoms. Contrasted with him, I have a slim build, with smooth, pale body and small endowment.

A common theme runs through my erotic fantasies. In them I imagine all the ways I can give myself completely to my masculine top, to be dominated by him and used for his pleasure until he spends himself in me, having repeatedly and forcibly violated every opening on my body (always bare, no condom). I spread myself shamelessly before him, offering up my unclothed body to satisfy his lust and animal passion. I want the engorged phallic symbol of his manhood more than all else, and I will do anything to have it. If it adds to his excitement, I will wear feminine things, erotic lingerie, to communicate my desire to be taken as a woman. If my feeling of helplessness serves to heighten his sense of dominance, I will submit to being bound. If he needs to hear my cries of submission, I will suffer under his stinging lashes. If he needs to further degrade me before taking me, I will receive and drink from his bitter golden nectar.

These cravings go far beyond simply wanting someone else to be in charge. It is that, but also much more. In the process of serving him sexually, I am vicariously sharing in his manhood and experiencing that which I do not have and otherwise cannot attain. His manliness becomes a substitute for mine, and my lack of virility is satisfied by his. In his powerful cock I find all that I miss in mine. The vicarious transfer of his maleness to me is sealed as he consummates our union, and fills me with his masculine essence.

I suppose there is no real benefit in trying to understand all this. It is as it is, as they say. I have resigned myself to accept what I am, and what I feel.

[malereflections]

Beginnings

This encounter occurred some years prior to my real discovery of the joys of male sex. I like to kayak and hike, and was on a trip to central Colorado to do just that. I spent a couple of days kayaking on the Arkansas River with a friend I had known since college, and then climbed one of the 14,000+ foot peaks in the Collegiate Range. It was an arduous climb, even though I was in good shape. I had begun the climb in the dark of early morning (to make and clear the peak before the usual afternoon thunderstorms), and had returned in late afternoon.

I decided to stay the night at a nearby rustic lodge that featured hot springs. As I checked in, the middle-aged guy at the desk mentioned that they gave massages, as well. I didn’t think too much about it, and settled in and then went to one of the private (screened) hot tubs fed by spring water to soak. I stripped naked and enjoyed the warm (actually, hot) water. It had been several days since any sexual activity, so I enjoyed stroking myself to a full erection as I enjoyed the water and the private setting. I didn’t realize how sore I was until I got out of the tub. The idea of a massage was becoming more appealing. I quickly dressed (the evaporation on wet skin in cool air at very low humidity is quite chilling), went to the office, and made an appointment for early evening. It had been a long time since I had a massage, so I was a little apprehensive about what to expect.

the appointed time I went back to the office to meet the masseuse. As it turns out, it was the same guy that checked me in. I paid, and followed him around to a separate room. I was noticing his tan and slender, athletic build. He showed to to the table, and told me to get comfortable. He said that most of his clients wore nothing, but that I could do whatever was comfortable. He said he would return in a few moments. I thought what the heck, took everything off, got on the table, and lay face down with a large towel across my midsection. 

He returned, asked about what kind of oil, and then got started. His hands were strong and experienced. He worked over my back, neck, legs, and yes my ass. His fingers occasionally slipped into my asscrack in a teasing kind of move. I am anal erotic, and so I found myself becoming aroused. Without really thinking about it, I opened my legs just a bit, which only brought more of the teasing. I started to wonder what was really going on here. My imagination was interrupted when he told me to turn over. I wasn’t quite sure what to do, because by now I was fully aroused. I slowly turned over, making sure that the towel covered me. But, there was no way that I could hide the prominent outline of my hard cock. He carried on professionally, and sensing my predicament, assured me that it was a common occurrence and to just relax.

Again, he worked me over from head to foot, carefully avoiding the part below the towel. His hands would occasionally slip under the towel all the way up to my balls, which only served to arouse me further. I was confused and surprised by my reaction, because I considered myself straight and had never really entertained thoughts about male sex. He obviously could see from my ring that I was married. At the moment, it didn’t seem to matter.

 As he was about to finish, he casually asked with a coy smile if I wanted the total works. I was pretty sure I knew what he was referring to, and so I said yes. He got some more oil, and slid the towel off, revealing my full erection. I watched as he slowly began to massage my throbbing shaft. His touch was electric, and I let out an audible gasp. He watched my face as his expert hands began their sensual, erotic movements. He knew just how to rub and stroke, focusing on my sensitive plum-shaped knob. 

I gave myself completely to him, arching my back, tilting my head back, closing my eyes, and spreading my legs. I was uttering unintelligible groanings as his hands made love to me, releasing new kinds of passion with which I was heretofore unfamiliar, bringing me to the point of no return. I stiffened, began a long moan, and exploded in powerful orgasm, shooting rope-like strands of cum up and over my shoulder onto the pillow. 

It took me a few minutes to recover from the spasms. In the meantime, he carefully cleaned me up with a warm washcloth. I noticed from the bulge in his trousers that he was excited by this as well. I thanked him, dressed, and left him a nice tip. I wasn’t sure how to explain it, but I had the unmistakable feeling that something significant had taken place. 

I went back to the room, stripped, washed the oil off, and fell fast asleep in the bed. I woke up in the night with a terrible headache (the altitude does that). I took some Tylenol, and lay back down. I was still thinking about what had happened, and I found myself aroused once again by the thought of what his hands had done to me. I stroked off to another strong orgasm, and slept like a baby the rest of the night. In hindsight, if I had known what I know now, I would have pulled down his trousers, stroked him to full hardness, hooked my legs over his shoulders, and begged him to take me deep and hard until he filled me with his seed. But, that would have to wait for years later.

[malereflections]

The Early Years

As I look back, there were a few things dating back to my earlier years as an adolescent that were early indications of my later interests in male sex. When I was about 10, there was boy my age who lived down the street from me. We would occasionally camp out overnight in a tent in one of our back yards. During those camp-outs, we somehow got into experimentation with sex (just boyhood curiosity), but it gradually became more than curiosity. We would end up naked, playing with each other’s little boycocks, but also playing with each other’s asses. This continued until we were discovered by his older brother, after which we were no longer allowed to camp out with just the two of us.

This initial curiosity grew into a fascination with anal sex. Somewhere around 11 or 12 years of age, I experienced regular penile erections and was delighted to discover the joys of masturbation and, for the first time, orgasm with ejaculation. I remembered the earlier play with my neighbor, and with further experimentation, I learned that anal insertion produced all kinds of pleasurable sensations, and that it could enhance the intensity of my orgasms. So, not surprisingly, it became a regular part of my masturbation sessions.

 I carved and fashioned wooden rods or sections of broom handles into dildos (I didn’t know what they were called back then, only what they could do for me). Each dildo had a bulbous head and a necked down section below. My intention was not necessarily to mimic a phallus, but to simply perfect the most pleasurable anal stimulator. I didn’t know about my prostate at the time, only that the dildos did wonderful things inside me.  Besides the wooden dildos, I sometimes used bananas, hair brush handles…. anything that would serve the purpose.

I had a couple of secluded places as a young teenager where I could go for private play, kind of like secret, sexual sanctuaries. One was back inside a large concrete drainage pipe that ran next to our property. About 100 feet up the pipe there was a turn with a junction box that afforded a degree of secrecy. The other was inside a vacant wooded area at the end of our street. The area was heavily overgrown with secondary growth and vines which made it nearly impenetrable. In the center was a small clear spot across which a tree had fallen. The tree had a small upturned branch, which I cut off about 6 inches above the trunk of the tree, then fashioned the stub into the shape of a dildo. I would mount the tree like a saddle, lowering myself onto the dildo branch, then ride it as I engaged in a prolonged anal masturbation session. I had to muffle my moans, except on windy days when I could audibly express my pleasure without fear of discovery. I had a ritual rule that I could not wear any clothes while in the sanctuaries, so I would stop and remove all of my clothes just prior to entry (obviously, I could not do this in cold weather).

My dad had a woodworking shop in our garage, and during my first year of college, I made something I had never before attempted. It was a wooden dildo that was an exact copy of my own erect cock, except maybe a little exaggerated in size. It had a short stub below the base for a handle. I don’t remember what led me to do this. I was anxious to try it out, and when I did, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of fullness and penetration achieved by this phallic dildo, not to mention the sheer mind-blowing pleasure. However, I lay there plunging the big wooden cock deep inside my yielding ass with wild abandon, giving myself a succession of anal orgasms. The fact that it was a cock doing this somehow enhanced the whole experience.  As I came down from the orgasmic high, it suddenly hit me what I was doing. I knew very little about homosexuals at the time, but this had to be what they did. I had enjoyed it so much, did that make me gay? I had been taught such a fear of gayness (it was so bad that it was completely taboo even to discuss), that I immediately stopped any further such play, and as quickly as I could I cut the dildo up into small pieces and disposed of it. I repented to God repeatedly of my sin during the weeks that followed and begged for forgiveness, vowing to myself never to do it again. Obviously, this is one vow I did not keep, as I now enjoy not only phallic dildos in my private play times, but especially the feel of the real thing whenever the opportunity arises.

The other early indication of later male interests was an enjoyment of cum. Like any young adolescent guy, during the course of normal experimentation, I tried the taste of my cum and found that it was not at all distasteful. In fact, the idea of swallowing my own cum was rather exciting, for some unknown reason. I soon began a ritual of licking up my cum after masturbating. I also started to occasionally use a position when masturbating on my back with my legs and hips up over my head so I could shoot my cum directly into my mouth below. When I was younger and more limber, I could touch the head of my erect cock with the tip of my tongue, but that was as close as I could get. My taste for cum continued to grow such that I always consumed my cum whenever I masturbated. It took a while to be able to do this consistently, since I tended to loose my interest in sex right after orgasm. Of course, I eventually developed an even stronger desire to swallow the cum of another guy. I still regard it as a special gift from someone else to me.

[malereflections]

Crossing the Line

It happened almost twenty years ago during a time when I was under pressure at work and with a chronically ill wife. I really had no sexual outlet (other than periodic masturbation in private), since my wife was unable to participate in sex over a period of several years. Perhaps I should have been satisfied with solo sex, but I felt I needed something more. I did not want to get involved with other women, even though I had nothing against sex with women ( I guess it was a marriage thing.) I had never really allowed myself to consider sex with men. I wasn’t attracted to men, at least in any romantic way. I think there was a deep-rooted, unconscious fear of being gay. I had been jacked off once by a male masseuse, and found that experience very enjoyable. But, I had not really pursued this any further, until now.

I was on an overnight business trip to Nashville, and I was aware of an adult bookstore with video arcade not far away. The bookstore is no longer there, but I vividly remember the occasion back then. I had visited the establishment on a couple of previous occasions, but had not engaged in any sex other than jacking off while watching the straight videos. I had noticed gay videos while surfing through the video selections in the booth, but had not paused to watch them with the idea of becoming aroused. This time was different. I went with the intent of watching the gay videos. I wanted to find out if gay sex would do anything for me. I was very nervous, my mouth was dry, and my hands were cold and clammy as I pulled up. I feared being seen and found out by someone who knew me as a respectable, church going family man. For that reason I could never do this in my own city. The store smelled of a combination of magazine plastic, disinfectant, and stale cigarette smoke. I tried to act cool and casual, even though I was a basket case inside.

I paid for $5 of tokens, and headed for the video arcade. The hallway was dark, and there were a couple of seedy looking guys standing against the walls. I avoided eye contact and headed to the end, and quickly entered a booth and locked the door (this was before most arcades were made to remove the doors). The concrete floor was rather sticky, and there were several puddles of what I suspected to be fresh cum on the floor in front of the screen. There was a circular opening about 3-inches in diameter in the side wall of the booth about waist high. Below the opening were streaks of something that I could only imagine. 

I deposited some tokens, and scanned through the channels to a gay selection. I wanted to lower my pants so I could play with myself, but I did not want them to fall down onto the sticky floor. So, I removed them completely along with my shorts and put them in the chair. My shirt came off next. (I guess I’m a nudist at heart.) I can’t even recall now specifically what the video was about, but I did become aroused and hard as I stroked myself while watching the male action on the screen. I noticed motion out of the corner of my eye, and turned to see a finger in the opening in the wall. I was startled, but also excited about the idea of being watched. At that time, I was so naive I did not know what the gesture meant. I continued stroking and pretended not to notice. I glanced over again, and this time saw a tongue in the opening. Even in my inexperience, I knew pretty well what this meant. My heart was pounding. Here was a total stranger wanting to take my manhood. How do I know he didn’t have a disease or something. What if there was to be a raid by the police.

I moved towards the wall, as if compelled by something outside of me. I slowly fed the engorged plum-shaped head of my hard cock through the dark opening. I immediately felt a wet warmth bathing my sensitive knob. I fed the rest of my shaft into the darkness until I rested against the wall. What followed was overwhelming. I moaned aloud as I was consumed by an unseen mouth and taken to heights of pleasure with powerful sucking actions I had never before experienced. (My wife, probably like most, would not participate in oral sex.) I could not, did not, move away. I had no idea that anything could be like this. I was groaning in unspeakable pleasure with each motion of his head. It didn’t dawn on me at the time that anyone in the hallway could clearly hear and know what was going on inside. My orgasm was quickly building, and all I could do was manage to gasp “I’mmm cummmmming…….” before I blasted a torrent of pent up cum into my partner’s throat. He continued to suck and swallow until my spasms subsided. I pulled away, totally spent. I sat down, breathless and lightheaded. I managed to dress, stuff my still partly hard cock into my pants, and step out. The hallway was now empty, and I quickly made my exit through the store, but not before seeing the guys from the hallway joking with the clerk and looking my way.

As I drove away, I felt dirty and ashamed of what I had just done. It went against everything I had been taught. I now had carnal knowledge of a new kind. I was afraid, not necessarily of being caught, but that I would not be able to resist the temptation to seek more of such pleasures. Having crossed the line once, it would be all that much easier to cross again. How quickly would this prove to be true, for I returned to the bookstore the next night. This time I occupied a booth with two holes, one on either side, one with a white finger, and the other with a black finger. So, after removing all my clothes as before, I alternated between the two unseen men. The owner of the black finger had the better mouth, so he was eventually rewarded with my cumload. I realized I had been forever changed by these encounters, but little did I know that it was just the beginning.

[malereflections]

My Transition

My full transition into male sex occurred a number of years ago after my wife passed away from an extended illness. She had been unable to engage in sex for some time, and so I dealt with my physical needs the best I could (mostly through masturbation). The months following her passing were very difficult for me emotionally, and I was having a hard time dealing with the grief. During this period I was befriended by a fellow from church named Ken, who I discovered was also a widower. He was a quiet guy, about 20 years my senior, with a few extra pounds and a gray goatee. I learned that he had been in the ministry at some point, but had since retired. 

He invited me over to his house for dinner one evening, and I accepted. Following dinner, we were seated on a couch in the living room, sharing our respective stories and experiences. He seemed like a wise, father figure, and I felt free to express my thoughts and feelings. During the course of doing so, I broke down, whereupon he slid over and held me in a strong, manly hug. I embraced him in return, and as my tears began to subside, I felt the whiskers of his goatee on the side of my neck. This was followed by soft kisses on the side of my face. I turned to face him, and our lips met, then our tongues. It all seemed so natural, so intimate. At that point I melted into him, releasing years of suppressed passions and sexual needs. 

Our clothes were quickly discarded, revealing our mutual arousals. We engaged in a prolonged period of nude cuddling, kissing, and fondling. He led me to his bedroom, and we resumed our foreplay on his bed. His kisses trailed down to my nipples, over my stomach, and to my erection, which was drooling copious amounts of precum. He gently kissed and licked my hard shaft and sensitive head, then looking into my eyes, took it fully into his mouth. The feeling was indescribable, and I responded with moans as I watched my cock disappear between his lips. I was so aroused that I barely lasted a minute before I groaned and erupted in an explosive orgasm. He took it all in his mouth, then climbed up and kissed me, sharing my cum with me.

I wanted to please him as well, so I rolled him over on his back and did my best to follow his example. His cock was similar in size and shape to mine, and I savored my first taste of another man’s sexual organ. I too, looked into his eyes as I took him into my mouth and started sucking. It took a little getting used to, but I gathered that I was doing O.K. by his soft moans and body language. It took several minutes, but to my utter delight I was rewarded with a mouthful of hot male nectar, which I shared with him as he had done with me. I liked the taste of it. I liked it very much.

After we recovered, we cuddled on the bed for a long time, sharing our experiences and longings. Both of us were getting aroused once again. At that point, I told him that I wanted him to make slow but passionate love to me, and that I wanted to receive from a male lover all that one could experience. He smiled and rolled over to the bedside table to retrieve something (personal lubricant). He had me lie on my back with a pillow under my hips and my legs spread. He climbed between my legs and began to gently suck me. As he was doing this, I felt his lubricated finger against my puckered anal orifice. The teasing was very exciting, but nothing like the feeling of his finger parting my anal sphincter and slipping inside. I couldn’t believe that something could be so pleasurable, and I was soon moaning and encouraging him, begging for more. 

He probably realized that I would not last very long if he continued, so he rose up and applied lubricant to his bare cock. Crawling on his knees up between my legs, he placed his engorged knob at my puckered entrance. Looking up at me for consent (as if he needed it), I whispered the words, “yes, please…” whereupon he pushed forward into my hungry love canal, eliciting from me a loud moan. He was very gentle and slow, and as my anal ring of muscles adjusted to his girth, he continued forward until his pubic hair was pressed against me. 

He lowered himself onto me, and we resumed our kissing. As we did, his hips began to move, slowly at first, then with increasing speed. Soon, he was thrusting into me with animal passion, and my groanings were drowned out by his guttural grunts and the slapping of his ballsack against my ass. I never imagined that something could feel so good. The combination of his anal stimulations and his motions against my cock were bringing me close to orgasm, and I cried out that I was cumming. My orgasm, together with the contractions of my spasms around his cock, brought him over the edge as well, and he gave a final thrust and emptied his hot male seed deep inside me.

He collapsed on me as we lie there, panting and holding each other. By now, it was getting late, and I needed to go home. Reluctantly, we parted and dressed. With one final hug and kiss, I departed. I communicated with him in the following days, letting him know in no uncertain terms how much I loved being with him in that way. We met on several more occasions, up until the time he had to move away to be closer to his daughter

Of course, I was forever changed by all this. My grieving diminished as I enthusiastically pursued my new-found interests in men. My only regret was that I had not discovered this years earlier.

[malereflections]

My Cock, My Lover

I prepare to spend a romantic get-away in a remote cabin with my life-long lover. I have set aside a whole weekend where I can be alone with him, free from all worldly distractions and interruptions. By the time we turn in for the first evening, we have spent much of the day frolicking in the nude in nearby fields and trails. I prepare myself by undergoing a deep cleansing. I assemble a copious amount of scented lotions and personal lubricants. The bedroom is illuminated softly by fragrant candles. I climb onto the satin sheets of the bed, and take my willing lover into my hands, coaxing him with gentle caresses and fondling. He responds to my touch, and I witness his growth into full manhood (fortified by the blue pill). He shamelessly exhibits his exquisite form to me, the most beautiful in all of the created order. He jumps when I touch his prominent head, becoming even more engorged. 

I continue the teasing foreplay, and he communicates his excitement and eagerness with a drop of clear nectar at his lips. I slowly rub the slippery liquid over his head, and he answers by giving me a moan of pleasure. I take some lubricant in my hands and slowly but firmly caress his throbbing body. I massage his flesh with all of the tender love I can muster, making sure I slide over his sensitive knob with each stroke.

  I speak sweet-nothings to my lovely companion, using intimate terms of endearment and affection spoken to no one else. I tell him how much I love him, and how close I want to be with him this weekend. 

My hands gradually become a frenzy of motion, and I feel the love between us building to its inevitable and wonderful conclusion. However, I do not want this to end, not yet, not for a long time. I stop just before we experience our climax together, keeping us in this wonderful state of erotic and sensual bliss. I ride the edge to a point such that I am only one stroke from going over the precipice, and my lover experiences dry, pre-orgasmic spasms as he is denied the ultimate and explosive release. This continues as the hours tick by.

I eventually enter a trance-like state where my mind seems to merge with my cock and I all but lose touch with reality and sense of time. It is as if nothing exists except for me and the object of my adoration and devotion, my magnificent cock lover. Our mutual arousal and the sensations that arise from it are the only things that matter. I am hypnotized by the beautiful sight of my lover’s erect form, and I need no outside images or pornography for stimulation. I am completely turned on by witnessing my lover’s arousal, by gazing at his hard, throbbing, pre-cum leaking, manly shape. He is my lover, and my desire is for him and him alone. My body becomes, for all intents and purposes, an appendage to him. I am consumed by desire, and my passion burns hotly in his presence. 

In my trance-like state, my subconscious is unlocked and my mouth utters unintelligible things to my cock lover that my mind dues not comprehend, deep desires and longings, a lifetime of repressed feelings. My lover understands. That is what matters. The catharsis is overwhelming, and all sense of self denial and restraint is discarded. My body reacts as if it is under the control of something (or someone) else. One hand goes to my lover’s engorged head and vigorously palms the slippery juices over the sensitive flesh. My other hand finds my hungry opening, and my fingers grope and search for that special place inside me. 

The combination of sensations is electrifying, and we are quickly brought to the climactic moment to which all of this has been building. Powerful spasms overwhelm me, and my whole body convulses with orgasmic contractions. Pent-up passions from deep inside boil over and erupt, releasing a torrent of hot male nectar. My body is covered in sweat and cum. After the eruption subsides, I scoop up globs of semen, bring it to my lips, and savor the taste of our outpouring. 

I gently caress my lover, basking in the warm afterglow of our evening of lovemaking. I hold him snugly as sleep overtakes us, and we rest before we resume our lovemaking in the morning. The romantic get-away weekend is only just beginning.

[malereflections]

The Puzzle of My Exhibitionism

I have discovered somewhat later in life that I really enjoy going au natural (nude), whenever and wherever I can. I cannot come up with a explanation as to why I enjoy this, and I have done no small amount of introspection to seek out the subconscious source of this behavior. I can’t describe the desire to go unclothed as perverted, since there are many others who enjoy going without clothing. However, in my case, the particular manifestation of this activity would go beyond simple nudity to what would be called exhibitionism. The overall effect is one of catharsis and a sense of well-being.

I have always been somewhat reserved and guarded in social situations. It would be nice to be able to openly share things with others, personal things, but I lack self-confidence that I would be accepted if others knew the real me, and I am generally unable to fully trust my close friends and family with such information. I think the exhibitionism may be a disordered way to disclose my intimate self, faults and all, to others. I can’t seem to do it through normal trusting relationships, so I do it anonymously in a way I can’t be rejected. As I disrobe, I methodically and shamelessly expose everything to view. It becomes a personal rite of self-disclosure. Partial nudity is not adequate to accomplish this – I must leave absolutely nothing covered or concealed, not even my arousal. My clothing must be put away so that it is not readily accessible, should I in a moment of weakness or fear be tempted to cover back up. In a strange kind of way I want to be seen and watched. Somehow the risk contributes to the desired response.

Looking back, I cannot really find early indications of what would come into full bloom much later in life. The closest glimpse of this might be a disrobing in connection with masturbation while a young adolescent. I had a couple of secluded, outdoor places (sacred groves) in which I would engage in ritualistic masturbation. Part of the ritual involved removing all of my clothing some distance before entering the secret places.

So, how does this work out for me today. If I am at home and by myself for a while, I will usually be completely unclothed (except for shoes). I carry on with my typical activities in and around the house just as I would when clothed, whether it is retrieving something from the car in the driveway, adding birdseed to the backyard feeders, or watering outside plants. At night, the window blinds and drapes stay fully open with lights on. During warm weather I enjoy nude hiking on trails through the woods behind our house. I will sometimes hike as far as one-half mile from the house. The farther I am from access to my clothing, the greater the cathartic effect (and my excitement). Of course, I always sleep naked. The feel of the sheets against my bare skin is very nice. 

It’s too bad the curse of Eden cannot be reversed. It would once again be perfectly natural and acceptable to go about without clothing as we wish.

[malereflections]

Confession

I have come to realize and accept that I am a chronic, compulsive, habitual masturbator, and that I am powerless to control this addiction, which has developed over a lifetime. This is hard to admit, since otherwise I would appear to be a sensible, responsible married family man, church-goer, and professional. I am self-disciplined in other areas of life, but in this one, I clearly am not.

The evidence for this conclusion is rather strong. Any time that I am alone and assured of a reasonable degree of privacy, I will probably be masturbating. This is true whether I am at home, traveling, or away on business. A single session can extend for hours on end, limited only by the time available to engage in it. 

My addictive behavior has developed to include ritualistic components, such as complete nudity and use of anal stimulation. It has also gone in directions that could ultimately prove risky, such as exposure and masturbation in semi-public places. Much of it occurs in conjunction with use of hard pornography, and in particular, gay and transsexual pornography (anything featuring erect phalluses). The boundaries of my masturbation fantasies have gradually expanded to include all kinds of deviant sexual practices, such as BDSM, exhibitionism, crossdressing, incest, urination, anal insertion, and even bestiality. 

I would like to say that, although I entertain these fantasies, they are merely that, just fantasies, figments of my depraved imagination, to enhance my masturbation. But, regrettably, and sad to say, I cannot. I have acted upon most all of my masturbation fantasies, some on multiple occasions, with a degree of abandon that would make even the hard core blush. Once the door has been opened, there is no limit to the depths of depravity into which one may fall. As the saying goes, “a hard cock has no conscience.��� This is a true saying. In a way, my masturbation exhibits aspects of a religion. I would not go so far as some and say that I actually worship cock (mine or others) before the altar in a Priapus cult, but I am not far from it. Truly, the erect phallus is the object of my affection, my desire, and my devotion (see post titled “My Cock, My Lover”). When I ejaculate, it is like I am offering up a seed offering to that which controls me. My masturbation rituals have almost become like sacraments. I’m afraid that, if there were a real temple to Priapus, I would probably be one of its most devoted disciples.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to master this. Since I was a naive adolescent, when the practice of masturbation was referred to as “abusing oneself,” I have gone through endless cycles of acting out, guilt and shame, repentance and resolve, only to fall into the offending behavior once again. Over time, this leads to despair and a sense of hopelessness. At this point, after 50 years of secret masturbation, I can’t see myself ever living free of it, even for a few days. This addiction appears to be similar to others involving drugs or alcohol. Masturbation is like a drug. For some people (like me) it is very addictive. The effects of masturbation – the pleasure, the excitement, the release - are probably not unlike the effects of chemical substances on the body. I can maintain my sexual arousal at a high level (a sexual high) for a long period by edging. This would compare with the high induced by chemical substances.

Some of my masturbation fantasies have of late taken on an aspect of punishment, as if I must be bound and tortured to pay for my sexual sin. Of course, the punishment, whether it be flogging, electro-shock, castration, or impalement, is focused on the instruments by which I sin – my genitals and anus. It must also be administered in public with me totally unclothed. In this way my secret sin, which was heretofore hidden, will be fully revealed to everyone, and in my exposure, my shame and humiliation will be maximized. The assembly of onlookers will be satisfied as they witness the just sentence being carried out and hear my screams of agony. 

I have tried to be introspective as to why I seem to need (crave) masturbation, but there are no clear answers. Perhaps I have a genetic predisposition to addictive behavior, and this is the particular way in which it has manifested itself. Maybe there was something in my family of origin that contributed to this. On the other hand, maybe it’s simply my way of handling internalized stress and emotional insecurities.

I know from viewing and reading various blogs that there are others like myself. Some actually seem to celebrate their addiction to masturbation, and pursue it with all the fervency of a religious fanatic, throwing all caution to the wind, so to speak. I am not to that condition (yet), but I nonetheless share their addiction. I also understand that should I be completely unfettered, with no control whatsoever, there I would go also.

I don’t seek sympathy, nor do I seek advice. It’s just a reality of life, and it’s certainly reflected in the posts on this blog.

[malereflections]

Watch Me

I love to be unclothed, and I especially love to expose my nakedness to others (very discretely, of course). I don’t know why I enjoy this, but it is terribly arousing. Perhaps I have this unconscious need for intimacy and self-disclosure that is satisfied, albeit is a somewhat perverted way, but such exhibition. I know it is risky behavior, but it seems that the risk makes it all the more exciting.

I have slept in the nude since college. If I am home by myself, I can generally be found completely naked, notwithstanding shoes. If the outdoor weather is acceptable, I am unclothed outdoors as well as indoors. At most, I may wear a simple thong outside. Our home is relatively secluded, and we share a long private driveway with another neighbor. Our house and front yard are visible from the driveway, but our house and yard are mostly obscured by vegetation from view by three nearby houses, at least during the summer season when leaves are on the trees. I will do a variety of outside activities such as watering, light weeding, taking the dogs out, sweeping the sidewalk, taking things to and from the car, rinsing off the car, etc. in the raw.

At dusk, and particularly after dark, I get a little more adventurous when I am alone. Around bedtime for most of the neighbors, I transform into an utterly shameless exhibitionist. Our front and side yard are illuminated by floodlights, and I will slip out into the night and pace about in the light naked and usually sporting a full erection, stopping occasionally to stroke and feel myself. Alternately, I will dress up in sexy black lingerie and a wig and parade around, openly displaying my arousal. On more than one occasion, I have attached a large male dildo with a suction cup base on the hood or trunk of one of our cars in the driveway, backed onto it, and fucked myself with total abandon. I really don’t know if any of my neighbors has seen me or not (I secretly hope they have).

If the weather outside is not suitable, I will turn out all the lights in the house except for those in the dining room, which is on the front side of our house. This draws attention to that part of the darkened house. I will raise the blinds, then stand in front of the window and do a sensual striptease.

This exhibitionist side of me carries over into other activities, as well. If I am away traveling on business, I like to stay at older motels with outside entrances to the rooms. Late at night, when most all the other guests are in bed (except the voyeurs), I will crack the drapes ever so slightly, dim the lighting level just right, get on the bed, and expose myself and my arousal, either naked or dressed in alluring lingerie. It is not flagrant, but it is enough of a tease that it would attract a potential peeping Tom on the cruise to take a second look. I sometimes see a fleeting shadow through the gap in the drapes pass by and then reappear. If I am lucky, I will hear a quiet knock at the door, or get a room-to-room phone call. Such contacts have led to some very enjoyable erotic experiences, the details of which are for another time.

Occasionally, in warm weather, I will go to the outdoor motel pool after dark when no one else is there (assuming they don’t enforce the closure time). Usually, the pool is dimly lit, if at all. I will wear my bathing suit to the pool and quietly get in the water. Once in the water, I will remove my trunks, and enjoy a time of skinny-dipping and play. I especially like to position myself in front of one of the pool recirculation jets and feel the powerful jet flow right against my now hardened bare cock. This usually ends up providing a most satisfying orgasm. In times past, when out driving I have sometimes stopped in a mostly-deserted park or out of the way rest area. I will pull in away from any other cars, lower my side window, tilt my seat back, drop my pants and shorts to the floor, pull my shirt up, and stroke myself to a full erection. Obviously, this must be carefully done, away from families and workers. After a while, a single guy may appear and walk slowly along the sidewalk in front of my car, pretending to be just out to stretch his legs. After passing by my car, with innocent glances, he will likely return, walk over to my car and stop by my window, where he will lean over and intently watch while I openly jack off. The show soon concludes with my moans and copious spurts of semen all over my bare stomach. It usually doesn’t take me long to cum in such instances, since I am so incredibly aroused by exposing myself to a complete stranger. During a couple of such displays, my voyeur has come around and entered the passenger side of my car, leaned across, and replaced my hand with his mouth. Of course, my semen ended up somewhere other than on my stomach.

There is a trail down in the woods below our house that runs along the side of the mountain. It is used by a few local residents and bikers. If the weather is nice, I will occasionally go for a hike in the buff, leaving my clothes back at the house. I will eventually be quite some distance from any clothes, leaving me with no recourse should I come upon someone. I often fantasize that I will be discovered by a couple of masculine guys, who, in return for a promise not to report me, force me to submit completely and to perform all manner of sexual favors for them. Alas, this has not occurred, but one can dream.

I used to run at night (after dark) at a local high school track. The track was not lighted, but there was just enough illumination from a nearby parking area to keep from stumbling. I was usually the only person there. So, if the weather was acceptable, I would strip and run completely naked, except for my running shoes. I loved the feel of the cooler breeze in the evening flowing past my bare skin as I ran. Fortunately, I could easily see the parking area should someone else arrive. I often thought that, even if someone else came to run, I would continue to run naked in the darkness of the track, and just ignore their presence.

If I am staying at a motel for a couple of days or longer, and if I am at the motel during the mid-day when the maids make up the rooms, I will listen for the knocking of the maid on an adjacent room and the familiar “housekeeping” before the neighboring door is opened. I will get in the bathroom with the vent and water running, naked and sporting a partial erection, and await the knocking at my door. Just after I hear the door open, I suddenly emerge from the bathroom, and try to appear surprised upon encountering the maid. She usually apologizes in some manner, and I tell her to come back in a few minutes. All the while I am still standing there completely unclothed and with an obvious erection. If she has trouble understanding English, it may take a little while longer to explain. I will typically leave a nice tip.

If I have to take a trip that will involve several hours in the car by myself, I will wear a T-shirt and loose shorts. Once underway and out on the highway on cruise control, I will lower my shorts to the floor and roll up my T-shirt so that I am essentially naked from my chest down. I will occasionally wear a thong or something that will barely cover up the essentials, if need be. Otherwise, I just pull the thong aside. I will usually stimulate myself just enough to have a partial erection. Cars passing by cannot see in, but pickup trucks and large SUV’s can. I will keep an eye out for vehicles coming up from behind to pass me. If it is a family, I will cover up, but if it is a single person, male or female, I will uncover myself.

[malereflections]

Crossing a Different Line

In my personal journey from straight, married heterosexual to bi male I discovered along the way that I was aroused by women’s lingerie. It started with trying on a pair of my wife’s silky nylon panties. The feel of the material and the sight of how it fit quickly brought an erection. I used another silky pair in my hand to jack myself off, being careful not to get any cum on the panties. The orgasm was unusually powerful.

In the weeks following, I pursued my newfound curiosity, particularly with my 18 year-old stepdaughter’s underwear. Looking through her dirty clothes hamper, I was surprised by the amount of erotic underwear she wore, ranging from tiny bikinis to V-string thongs. Besides trying them on myself, I also slipped them over my head with the stained, crusted crotch over my mouth and nose. I would masturbate as I enjoyed the musty scent and tasted the dried vaginal secretions, once again resulting in strong orgasms.

I had not previously spent much time looking at pictures or adult videos of cross-dressed males. However, as I explored by growing interest in lingerie, I found myself growing more and more aroused by cross-dressing and shemale porn. These soon became a regular part of my frequent masturbation fantasies. I eventually acquired a small (carefully hidden) wardrobe of my own erotic things, including thongs, boyshorts, stockings, bras, breast forms, miniskirts, and camisoles. Whenever I was able to have some private time by myself (like on business trips), I would dress up and enjoy the look and feel of the sexy lingerie. I rounded out my assortment with high heels and wigs. With a slim build, I actually considered myself rather attractive when dressed as a woman. I even adopted a female persona by the name of Mona.

Not surprisingly, it was difficult to reconcile my interests in such things with my normal life. Those who knew me would have regarded me as an upright family man, respected in both my profession and at church. No one would have ever guessed that I harbored such a secret.

It was as if I had developed a Jeckyll and Hyde personality. To those around me, I was a straight-as-an-arrow family guy. But, when I dressed as Mona, I was a different person entirely. I was a wanton and lustful woman, who wanted to be taken and ravished by a manly suitor. I longed to be the submissive object of pleasure for a strong, well-endowed, long-lasting male with an insatiable sexual appetite.

Of course, lacking a real male partner, I resorted to the next available thing, which usually took the form of a large cock dildo. While dressed as Mona, I impaled myself fully and repeatedly on an oversized dildo, moaning loudly and begging my imaginary lover to fuck me. I would continue the deep prostate stimulation until I would experience a hands-free orgasm.

These virtual reality dressing sessions continued from time to time until I attended an out-of-town retreat for company executives in Atlanta. I had some free time after dinner, so one evening I went to a nearby upscale theater that featured adult films, among others. I was feeling adventurous, so I left a small sticky note in a stall of the men’s restroom with my phone number and interests (bi-male CD). I don’t know what came over me, as I would not normally do something so risky.

I honestly didn’t expect an answer, much less from someone whom I would consider a suitable partner. So, I was surprised (and cautiously thrilled) when I received a call in my hotel room from a guy who had seen my note. I was relieved to learn that is was not the theater management, calling to complain about the note. Rather, it was an articulate guy with a mid-Eastern accent. I briefly explained my interests, and invited him to come by my room. He replied that he had never been with a CD, but that he was nonetheless interested. He accepted my invitation without further hesitation.

I prepared and dressed in my finest and sexiest black lingerie outfit in anticipation of his arrival, getting squeaky clean and primping to make myself as attractive and alluring as possible. Otherwise, I was a nervous wreck. My heart was pounding, and my hands were clammy. I had never been with a man while dressed as a female.

The knock at the door came after what seemed an eternity, and upon opening it, I was greeted by a distinguished-looking gentleman wearing a very expensive suit. I invited him in and welcomed him, introducing myself as Mona. He told me a little about himself, not taking his eyes off of me. He was a business executive in town for a client meeting. I guessed he was in his mid 40’s, with black hair, moustache, dark complexion, and stout build, clearly of mid-Eastern descent. The first move is always awkward, so I walked by him over to the bed, gently touching his crotch as I passed by. Once on the bed, I lay back and assumed a seductive pose, and suggested that he get more comfortable. He began removing his coat and tie, and unbuttoning his shirt. As he was doing so, I sat up on the side of the bed in front of him and unbuckled his trousers and fly, dropping his pants to the floor.

I was very pleased at what I saw – a very prominent bulge in the front of tight, stretch type undershorts. I looked up and teasingly stroked it, causing it to grow to the extent that it could no longer be contained under the fabric, exposing the bulbous head. I leaned forward and licked it as I hooked my fingers in his waistband and pulled down, releasing his magnificent organ.

It was all I could have dreamed of – big and hard, with large flanged head and pronounced veins running down the shaft. I took as much of it into my eager mouth as I could (only about half), and from the sounds of his response (mumbling something in a foreign language), he was enjoying it. I looked up and ran my hands over his furry solid chest as I continued sucking. He was so manly, so desirable.

He lifted me up and led me over to the sofa. He sat down and reclined against the back, motioning for me to approach. I climbed onto the sofa, straddling him with my knees on either side against the back and my feet on the seat. He pulled my panties down, reached around with his hands on my ass, and pulled me into his face, taking my cock (which was tiny in comparison to his) between his lips. I moaned as I felt his hot mouth engulf my hardness. The feel of his heavy mustache against my pubic area added to the erotic sensations. As he sucked, I felt a hand slip down to my shaved furrow. I gasped as his finger teased my puckered rosebud, then slipped inside my prelubed hole. I expressed my pleasure as explicitly as I could and encouraged him to continue, as though he needed to be urged on. I was very glad that he accepted and wanted that part of me. It left me free to be the woman that I desired to be.

He pushed me away, and slowly lowered me to his lap until my knees rested on the seat on either side of him. Our eyes locked once again as I continued to lower myself. I felt his engorged knob, now slippery with precum, moving back and forth over my hungry orifice. I had no condom, but I was so aroused at the thought of being taken as a woman, I didn’t care. As I sat down, my anal sphincter yielded and he slipped inside, burrowing into my eager cavity and eliciting a load moan from me. My head tilted back and my eyes closed as I bottomed out on his lap, fully impaled on his rigid manpole.

After a moment of adjusting to his girth, we began to move together. I raised myself up and down, sliding against his masculine chest. On each downstroke he would lift his hips to meet me, so as to bury himself completely in me. The pleasure of being filled by him was so intense that I could not keep quiet, even if I wanted to. I moaned and cried out with every deep penetration of his magnificent procreative organ. I was responding as a submissive female, and I wanted him to breed me and impregnate me with his thick fluid.

I would have been happy to continue this indefinitely, but he had other ideas. He pushed me up and slid out from under me, still leaving me on my knees on the seat of the sofa facing the back. He stood behind me and lifted my miniskirt to expose my smooth ass, which was at just the right level for being taken again. It was at this point when I turned my head back to look at him that I noticed that I had not drawn the window drapes, which were more than half open. We were on the ground floor, so we were visible to any outside onlooker, even in the subdued light. I didn’t have time to change the situation, though, as he grasped my hips and drove his bare mid-Eastern cock balls deep into me in one powerful thrust.

I cried out in ecstasy as he violated me from behind with unbridled animal passion. His furry hips slammed against my smooth feminine ass, and his heavy, virile ballsack slapped my shaved furrow with each wonderful thrust. He worked his hard muscle like a powerful piston, driving relentlessly against my sensitive male P-spot, bringing me to new heights of pleasure as I played the part of a woman in heat.

I was soon racked by a powerful anal orgasm, causing my ring of rectal muscles to constrict around his throbbing member in uncontrollable spasms. Strands of semen splattered across the sofa as my cock swung back and forth. This brought him over the edge too. He pulled me against him in one final thrust and held me tight as his cock erupted inside me, filling me with his hot foreign seed. He stayed embedded in me for a moment until his ejaculations subsided, then slipped out. I tightened my anus as he did so that I could retain his cum. (I was sure I was gaping after such a pounding.) I sat down on the sofa in front of him, looked up, and took his ass-fresh cock into my mouth, carefully cleaning him of any residue from our copulation.

While he dressed, he asked me if I had occasion to be in Atlanta very often. I answered that, regretfully, I was rarely in town for an overnight stay like this. Following this, he thanked me with a manly hug, and left. I cleaned up both myself and the sofa, still feeling the lingering aftereffects of the anal assault. By now, it was getting late, and I needed to call home and check in with my wife before she went to bed. Before I could make the call, however, I received a call on the room phone from another room in the hotel. I was a little puzzled, since no one acquainted with me was aware of my room number. Upon answering, the caller (an older-sounding guy) told me that he had happened to notice the activity in the room a short while ago, and that he couldn’t help but stay and watch from a discrete distance.

My heart was in my throat, for I feared that he might have secretly recorded everything on his cell phone and was somehow going to use it against me to my ruin. Choking out a reply, I explained that I had forgotten to close the drapes, and I apologized profusely for our lack of discretion. He responded that no apology was necessary, and that on the contrary, he had really enjoyed the show. He then asked if I was interested in some company. I took his offer to mean (in crude terms) sloppy seconds.

My mind was still grappling with whether or not to accept the unexpected proposition, when my mouth suddenly blurted out, “Sure, that would be fine.” Too late to retract my ill-considered consent, I simply added that I needed a half-hour or so to freshen up and call home. He understood, and the call ended. I busied myself with making ready for him, chiding myself over such a hasty decision. He arrived at my room as agreed, and I introduced myself as Mona. I could tell from his expression that he liked what he saw. He appeared to be in his mid-50’s, with slightly graying hair, neatly-trimmed goatee, and a few extra pounds. After exchanging some initial greetings, I led him over towards the bed, whereupon he pulled me to himself and kissed me on the mouth. Our tongues intertwined as his hands caressed my lingerie-clad body.

He pushed me back on the bed and pulled down my thong. Kneeling beside the bed, he spread my legs, leaned forward, and devoured my cock, eliciting an approving moan from me. He raised my legs up over my head, exposing my shaved balls and smooth furrow. He alternately sucked my balls, then licked down to my well-used opening. The sensation of his goatee moving along on my bare crotch was exquisite. His tongue teased my still-hungry orifice, moving me to beg for him to take me and eat me. The sensation of his hot tongue burrowing past my sphincter into my rectum brought a load groan from me, along with more vulgar encouragement.

The first taste of my previous partner’s fresh cum spurred him on even more, and he went into a feeding frenzy, felching every last drop of semen that would drain from my anal canal. Needless to say, I was deliriously pleased with his oral assault, and told him so in no uncertain terms. He raised up, climbed over me, and kissed me, sharing the remnants of his dining experience. That had only wet his appetite, and now he was ready for the main course.

Still holding my legs back over me, he lined up his bare drooling cock with my hole and drove forward, burying himself in me in one swift motion. Both of us were so wet at this point, no lubricant was needed. He began humping me like a male dog with a bitch in heat. It became clear there would be no pausing to extend the pleasure. He had one thing in mind, blowing his pent-up load deep inside my transgendered form. I could tell by his grunts and gasps that he was nearing his goal.

Having already cum, I could not experience another hands-free orgasm, but I was nevertheless enjoying every second of being Mona for him. I looked like a woman; I felt like a woman; and I was being passionately fucked like a woman. I cried out, begging him to fuck me harder, deeper. My wanton response was more than he could stand, and he drove his throbbing pole into my bowels and held it there, pumping me full of hot manseed for the second time.

After his ejaculatory spasms subsided and he came down from his climax, he slowly withdrew. As before, I sat down on the side of the bed and gently cleaned his sticky wet organ with my mouth. He thanked me, dressed, and left.

By now, it was really getting late, and I still needed to call home and check in with my wife before she went to bed. As we caught up on the day’s activities (well, not every activity), my thoughts drifted to what had just taken place. It dawned on me that I had crossed yet another line in my personal journey of sexual self-discovery. It was the beginning of a new chapter, and I couldn’t go back.

[malereflections]

Chubby Bear Desires

Yes, I know that most all of the posts on my blog involve well-endowed, trim, masculine men, or feminine boys. However, truth be told, I have a soft spot for daddy bears, the bigger and furrier the better. My real heart throb is a mature, chubby bear (with an extra 100 pounds or more) with small to medium cock and lots of body hair. I can’t explain it, but this is the kind of guy with whom I would most like to spend a weekend of lovemaking at a remote mountain cabin. 

Clothing would be quickly discarded, not to be needed all weekend. Our time would be occupied by frequent periods of talking and frank sharing (pillow talk), nude cuddling, passionate kissing, sensual touching, rimming, and of course, prolonged oral and anal delights. We would unashamedly express our pleasures to each other in sensual moans and explicit pleadings. No bodily opening would be neglected, and every bodily organ would function as an instrument of service. No condoms would be needed or allowed. 

The oral and anal pleasures would culminate with us sharing our hot seminal emissions with each other, consummating our lovemaking in various ways over multiple sessions. No emission would be spilled or wasted. It is too precious. If taken in the mouth, it would be shared back and forth with wet kisses until consumed. If taken in the ass, it would be felched by the donor, then likewise shared in wet kisses until consumed. It would be a weekend where both of us would eventually end up with carpet burns on knees and elbows. 

There would be no pressure for sexual performance, and if either of us were to be unable to fully get it up (or keep it up), that is O.K. A fire in the fireplace, the smell of woodsmoke, candlelight, and a hot tub would top it off. Alright, you can tell by now that I am an incurable romantic.

[malereflections]

The Perfect Exchange

A bottom is giving head to a top, the top is standing, and the bottom is on his knees. The psychological reward for the top is the bottom’s total dedication to provide him pleasure. The bottom’s hunger for his top’s cock excites and pleases the top; it is “his” cock that has become the absolute object of desire for the bottom; that in itself is the ultimate validation of his phallus. In between his legs he possesses that which is so precious and desired by the bottom.

As the bottom eagerly sucks, he looks up, he wants and needs to see the pleasure he is providing to his top, he looks for his man’s eyes. Their eyes lock. For those few seconds, infinite non-verbal messages are exchanged. The bottom goes back to his duty. He will continue to look up every so often, and more silent messages will be exchanged. The bottom looks up; the top looks down, yet another symbol of the dynamic of their exchange. 

The bottom savors every drop of pre-cum from his man, eagerly working for his ultimate reward: the top’s semen and his pleasure. The top understands how much the bottom wants his juice, his essence. The top understands that what the bottom wants to have is a “part” of him and this form of adoration is the ultimate aphrodisiac for him. Both parties know and revel in their respective roles. They both sense the time is coming. The bottom accelerates his eager movements as he gets closer to his reward.

When the top explodes and starts squirting his juices into the bottom’s mouth, the bottom makes sure he doesn’t waist a drop; he wants every bit of the top’s essence. The top is gratified by the orgasm the bottom has so devotedly provided as well as by the knowledge that his semen is precious to the bottom, what he has given of himself makes it that much more valuable.

[malereflections]

Wet Golden Dreams

O.K., I admit it. I enjoy hot, golden piss. I like the feel of it on my bare skin. I like to have it flood my mouth. I like to drink it. As with other disordered interests, I can’t explain it. Perhaps it is because I crave everything that comes from a cock. Maybe it is because it is generally considered a perversion. At any rate, it has become a part of my pantheon of erotic activities.

Of course, in preparation for some golden piss play, I will drink a lot of liquids so that my urine is plentiful, light colored, and not so strong. Urine is sterile, so there is no problem in consuming limited quantities of it, along with other fluids. Various foods and drinks affect the favor, so one never knows quite how it will taste. The main thing is to keep it out of your eyes, as it is very irritating.

Most guys have a hard time getting the flow to start, possibly because of a mental block against urinating on or in someone. So, it usually takes a little coaxing and relaxing to get things going. Even then, the flow often tends to be intermittent, as the mental block (or whatever) re-exerts itself. One just has to be patient. It is also difficult to piss when sporting a full, throbbing erection. Semi-hard is preferred.

Following are some examples of my golden playtimes and associated rituals: My sports drinks that I take on my jogs and bike rides are usually a blend of the sports drink, and my piss. The salts present in urine help replenish those lost in perspiration.

- After sex with a guy, especially if he has bare-fucked me in the ass, I will suck him clean, then offer to take his piss in my mouth as a good hygiene measure. (It helps to prevent infection from bacteria normally present in the rectum.) I will do this on the bed or sofa so he doesn’t even have to get up to go to the bathroom.

- If I am at home alone and need to relieve myself, I have to follow ritualistic rules I have set for myself. Any urination must be done outside in the yard, completely naked, and in plain view of anyone who might happen by. If at night, it must be done like this under the bright floodlights. Otherwise, I must collect and drink all of it. The toilet is off limits.

- When I have a beer at home, I will occasionally blend it with some urine. If the beer is a little hopsy and bitter, and golden colored, it is nearly impossible to tell.

- I save my urine until I shower so that I can enjoy a golden shower also.

- I love to 69 with a like-minded guy and empty my bladder into his mouth, while at the same time I am consuming his hot piss offering. We drink it all down so that we do not spill a drop.

- I like to lie in the tub on my back with my legs spread and hips elevated above my head. I will then relieve myself, aiming the golden stream directly into my mouth, drinking it all. I prefer this direct (draft, on tap) method to using a cup.

- If I am with a guy and he needs to pee, I will lead him to the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and have him stand right in front of me with his cock exposed. I will then take his cock into my mouth and have him empty the hot, bitter contents of his bladder down my throat.

- A big fantasy is for my partner, while bare-fucking me, to stop and relieve himself into me, then resume fucking until he cums. It is a little messy, but exciting. I have had this happen only once, but wish for a repeat.

[malereflections]

My Addiction

I am reluctant to admit it to myself, but I am a compulsive, habitual masturbator, and I have been so for a long time. For many years starting in high school, I masturbated on average at least once a day. As I have aged, I have slowed down some, but still do so two or three times a week. The frequency varies with my libido and opportunity (privacy). I may go several days without, then do it three times in one day.

 I think it started out as an unconscious response to handling stress from social situations. I am an introvert, but in my leadership positions I have been increasingly thrust into social obligations in which I am quite uncomfortable. I find relief and release in my orgasms. Of course, over time it became more or less an addition. The calming natural blood chemicals that are released by orgasm can be almost as addictive as other substances (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, etc.). The sheer physical pleasure that goes along with it serves as a strong reinforcement for that particular behavior as well.

Because of my conservative religious upbringing, I have had to deal with a lot of guilt over this. I have resolved over the years many times to stop “abusing myself” as it used to be called. But, after a short period of abstinence, I inevitably yield to the temptation and I am drawn back into it again.

I originally thought that marriage would resolve the problem, since in marriage one would have access to sex with a wife, thereby nullifying the need for solo sex. For a while after marriage, that was true. But, the need eventually returned, and I found myself more and more engaging in secretive jack-off sessions. I just had to be more creative as to when and where.

I have perfected my technique over time, and use a variety of positions, methods, and aids. I discovered the pleasure of anal stimulation as an early teen, and have enjoyed it ever since. Dildos and prostate stimulators have always been a regular part of my repertoire. Nothing is beyond the pale, so to speak. Other enhancements include watersports, exhibitionism, cross-dressing (sexy lingerie), e-stim, and of course porn, especially in the Internet age, and not just any porn, but gay anal and transvestite porn. I don’t know the underlying attraction of this particular genre to me, but my masturbation fantasies now are almost exclusively gay or trans.

I have come (no pun intended) to relish the taste of cum, and I usually consume my own after ejaculating. One of my positions is on my back (shoulders and neck) with my legs pulled up over me so that my dick is positioned right over my face. In this way I can jack off and shoot my cum right into my open mouth. I wish I were flexible enough to be able to suck my own cock, or at least the head, but alas, that just isn’t possible at my age. I helped a couple move up to the DC area, driving a rental truck up for them and unloading it. It was a long day, and that night I slept in the living room on the couch amidst boxes and furniture, while they slept in the master bedroom. After everything was dark and quiet, I stripped and hung over the side of the couch with my legs on the cushions and my head and shoulders on the floor below with my cock directly over my mouth. I was engaged in jacking off a nice load when I heard something and in the dim light saw a shadow moving slowly through the adjacent hallway. It was too late to get out of this position, so I just continued what I was doing until I creamed in my mouth. Nothing was ever said about it.

[malereflections]

Exercise Rituals

Being both an exhibitionist and a masturbator, it is no surprise that I have developed special rituals that I habitually perform whenever I jog or ride my bicycle (which generally occurs a couple of times a week, weather permitting). In fact, these often constitute my primary motivation to go out and exercise. I look forward, not necessarily to the aerobic exercise, but to the secret activity that accompanies it. A few of my rituals are as follows: 

Somewhere during the course of my run or ride, I will briefly stop, turn aside, and strip naked. On each route I have identified a secret place or sacred grove wherein I can expose myself and masturbate. As I do, I memorialize it on a cellphone photo or video. The closer (and more visible) I am to the trail or road, the more excitement I feel.

When I am walking or jogging on a relatively remote trail during a period of low use, I will strip naked and conduct much of my jog or hike in the nude, stopping occasionally to stroke myself to an erection. Each time, before I start, I will mentally select a particular kind of tree or plant which will trigger such stops. Occasionally, the intervals between my self-pleasure breaks will barely be 100 feet, depending on the vegetation. Of course, on my final stop, I will masturbate all the way to ejaculation. It greatly slows down my time, but it is very pleasurable, and exciting.

On a few of my routes, the trail starts at a parking lot with a small restroom at the trailhead. If it looks as if I am alone, I will go into the men’s room, strip naked, and masturbate over the sink in front of the mirror, leaving my cum on the sink. I will usually get a photo of this as well.

Occasionally, I will do my jog or hike with a specially-contoured prostate stimulator inside me. My movements cause the device to do what it is designed to do, with exquisite pleasure. Threads of precum and cum will ooze from my cock as I jog or walk along. Periodically, I experience small analgasms that briefly stop me, after which I resume. The only question is how long can I go on before I am so aroused that I am unable to continue, and I am compelled to stop and bring myself to a full, ejaculatory orgasm. 

At night, I will sometimes jog around a track at a nearby high school stadium. A limited number of lights are left on for the public, so the track is dimly lit. Normally, there is no one there at night. The parking lot is adjacent to the stadium, so it is relatively easy to see other cars. If no other cars are present, I will enter and go onto the track, where I will strip naked, and do my stretching exercises. Leaving my clothes on the fence where I start, I will then do my jog in the nude. On a couple of occasions, I have been surprised by another jogger or walker who apparently entered the stadium on foot. In the dim light I did not try to cover myself, but continued on as if nothing was amiss. On neither occasion did they seem to mind.

When it is too cold to jog in just shorts, I will wear rather form-fitting sweatpants with nothing underneath. I will put some tight elastic hairbands around the base of my cock and balls, so they project outward, making a very prominent bulge in the front of my sweats and leaving little to the imagination. My distended package flops about when I jog, and I enjoy watching the faces of oncoming joggers or walkers as I pass by them. Their eyes, including those of the older women, are almost always fixed on my bouncing cock and balls.

[malereflections]

My Secret Lover

I had prepared in anticipation of our meeting. The lights of my motel room were dimmed, and soft background music was playing on the TV station. There were lube and towels on the bedside table. I was dressed in a black camisole and thong. Even though he and I have met on previous occasions, I still end up a ball of nerves as I await his arrival.

I hear a soft knock, and open the door. He comes in, looks me over, smiles, and gives me a strong hug. I move over onto the bed, and watch as he removes all his clothes and joins me. It is as if we just picked up where we left off before. We quickly come together in a nude embrace, my last bits of clothing tossed into the floor. Our mouths melt together, and our tongues become intertwined. Periodically, we break the embrace temporarily to slide down and take each other’s hardness into our mouths - teasing, licking, probing, sucking - making the other moan with oral pleasure.

After some time of this, he ends up above me with me on my back. I spread my legs wide, signaling my receptivity. He climbs up, applies lube to his bare shaft, and places his drooling knob at my entrance. Our eyes lock as he gently eases forward. My sphincter yields, and slowly welcomes the full length of his hard organ. We kiss, and he begins to move. I wrap my legs around his waist and reach around with my hands to pull his hips into me. I am in heaven, so to speak. This is what I am made for, and I accept it gladly. Can something be any better? I moan encouragement with each thrust of his hips, still maintaining our kiss.

I want more. I tell him I want him from behind, and we reposition with me below on my stomach, my hips slightly elevated on a pillow. He mounts me and lies on my back. I turn my head to the side and we resume our kissing. His hips become a blur of non-stop motion. All I can do is utter unintelligible groanings. His shaft drives against my sensitive prostate. I gasp as I reach my first anal orgasm, and feel my semen spilling into the pillow. He senses it and pauses briefly, my anal muscles clamping down in uncontrollable spasms around his phallus. He resume. I lose track of time. I don’t care, as long as he is in me.

Once again, I ask to change positions. This time, I want him below, on his back. I straddle his hips and lower myself onto him. Now it is my turn to do the moving, and I do so with wild abandon. I move in circles; I move up and back – whatever seems to please him, and us. I sense that he is getting close, and I once again face the dilemma of whether to have him breed me, or take him in my mouth. This time, I choose the latter, and pull off. I climb down between his legs and immediately take him fresh from my ass into my hungry mouth. As I suck, I lubricate a finger (from my own ass) and burrow it fully into him. My finger finds his prostate, and he is mine. Soon, he stiffens and bucks up his hips. My mouth is flooded with hot cum as his anal muscles grip my finger. When his spasms stop, I hold the mouthful of fresh sperm and climb up on him and kiss him in an open-mouth kiss, spilling the contents of my mouth into his. We pass the manly seed back and forth until it is consumed. We collapse into each other’s arms, just enjoying the afterglow. It is eventually time for him to go, and we part once again, until the next time. I go to sleep, still enjoying the lingering sensations of him inside me.

[malereflections]

Why I Prefer Sex With Men

I have learned through experience that there are a number of ways in which sex between two men is superior to sex between a man and a woman. Many of the reasons for this are described in the following paragraphs. Once a man, who otherwise considers himself straight, experiences sex with another man, he is forever changed, and cannot go back to his former state of innocence. This often occurs later in life for a married man, whose wife has lost interest in meeting his continuing sexual needs. The comments that pertain to a woman below are generally intended to apply to a middle-aged (or older), married woman who has had children.

- Sex between men can be casual, uncomplicated, with no strings attached. This is not usually possible with a woman, as she will inevitably come to expect more from the relationship. The ultimate expression of this freedom is anonymous sex, as a man would experience through a gloryhole in a adult video booth. There are those who troll such establishments waiting for straight married men to stop by on the way home from work to relieve their sexual tensions and have needs satisfied that would otherwise go unmet by their wives. - A man is willing to enter into sex without inhibition - man will unashamedly expose his nakedness and display his arousal to another male. He will even stroke himself in the presence of another. A woman generally wants to be partially covered or concealed by darkness. This state of complete nakedness is important to the sexual experience between men, and is reached fairly quickly in the encounter. Men know that they do not have to be concerned with body image, whether tall/short, thin/obese, or hairy/smooth, or with the size of their cocks. They have the confidence that they will be accepted (and pleasured) as they are, and this helps to free them from anxiety over such hang-ups. They can express their deepest yearnings through explicit words and/or unintelligible groanings without feeling self-conscious over what the other person would think. This is generally not possible with a woman. - A man’s mouth is better able to please another man than a woman - A man who loves to suck cock will do so with a measure of energy and passion that a woman cannot (or will not) duplicate. He desires to consume every inch of his top partner’s throbbing, drooling member, deep throating him, if possible. The bottom will watch the top’s facial expressions and listen for moans and gasps for the satisfaction of knowing he is giving pleasure. The top provides the desired feedback. No words are needed. The bottom eagerly sucks for the ultimate prize, the top’s orgasm and explosion of hot semen in his mouth, which he will hungrily consume. The top knows how much the bottom wants this, and gladly participates in giving of his essence to feed the bottom and satisfy his hunger for him. Both unconsciously realize how intimate this moment of exchange has been between them. No woman can understand the dynamic of this special transaction between two men, even if by chance she is willing to participate in giving her partner oral sex out of a sense of duty. - A man’s ass is able to please another man better than a vagina The anus and rectum have strong sphincter muscles. Through Kegel exercises, muscle tone can be maintained so as to provide strong, grip-like constrictions. The bottom is able to contract his sphincter muscles to give increased pleasure to the top. The bottom is not passive but actively milks the top’s thrusting cock using his ass muscles. His goal is to drain every drop of cum from the top and leave him totally exhausted and emptied. - The rectum and ass were designed to pass objects not dissimilar in size to the average erect cock. As far as depth of penetration, 6 to 8 inches is easily accommodated after some practice. A woman’s vagina is designed to stretch to accommodate whatever enters it, whether a cock, or a baby. After several deliveries, it is difficult to restore any measure of tightness. Most women don’t have the vaginal muscle tone to be able to grip their partner’s cocks. They could, of course, offer up their asses. But very few will do this. To be fair, anal receptive intercourse requires a couple of things that vaginal intercourse does not. One is adequate cleansing (flushing) for hygiene. The other is proper lubrication. - A man’s ass is designed to provide pleasure unachievable through sex with a woman. About 3 inches inside a man’s anal canal is the prostate gland. This has been called the man’s G-spot, his pleasure center, and his glory gland. With stimulation, it can provide incredible sexual pleasure. Stimulation can be provided by a finger, a dildo, a specially designed prostate massager, or better still, another man’s hard cock.

All of these will provide exquisite sensations, but there is a deep psychological and emotional component associated with opening up to be penetrated by another man that greatly increases the overall experience of pleasure. It is difficult to put this into words.

Tantric philosophy considers a man’s prostate to be his sacred spot, the center of sexual emotion. Massaging this spot releases all kinds of psychological and emotional energy. In satanic rituals, sodomy is considered sacred and is regarded as the primary portal into a man’s soul. As such, his ass becomes a “ third eye” of enlightenment. All of this occurs subconsciously, but the result is a powerful feeling of euphoria, and is a major motivator for gay male penetrative sex.

Penile prostate stimulations, coupled with the feeling of surrender in giving up one’s body for deep penetration by another male, bring the bottom to a state where sexual and mental forces combine to produce pure ecstasy, sexual nirvana, if you will. The top understands this, and he angles his thrusts in order to drive his cock against the bottom’s sensitive prostate. He skillfully brings the bottom into a state of pleasure, and in doing so, he maximizes his own enjoyment. He seeks the visual and audible expressions of pleasure from the bottom to arouse and release his masculine energy. The bottom begs to be impregnated with the top’s seed. The bottom’s desperate pleadings urge the top on to the inevitable climax where both top and bottom cum together. This sexual and emotional high is unachievable through sex with a woman.

Most women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, but require external clitoral stimulation. A man’s pleasure spot (other than the head of his cock) is located inside him, not external to him. Therefore, he is able to achieve maximum pleasure and orgasm through intercourse alone, whether in the top position, or in the anal receptive position. This leads to the hypothetical situation where a wife could be fucked by a man and not reach orgasm. But, her husband could be fucked by the same man and both could be brought to orgasm.

  There are sexual practices that a man will engage in that a woman generally will not - A man, after being fucked to completion by another man, will take his partner’s cock, fresh from his ass, into his mouth and lick and suck it clean. - A top will tongue and rim his bottom’s ass until the bottom is begging to be penetrated by the top’s hard cock. - After the top ejaculates into his bottom’s ass, he will suck his cum oozing from the gaping hole and share it with the bottom in a kiss. After being fucked by a top, the bottom will take the top’s cock into his mouth and encourage the top to empty his bladder down his throat, all without spilling a drop. - Two men will meet together in a secluded park, strip naked, and suck and fuck in the open. - A feminine, submissive man will don erotic women’s lingerie and entice a virile, masculine man to take and ravish him. - A man will allow himself to be tied up and abused sexually in degrading ways by one or more other men. - A top will carefully ease his well-lubricated hand into the bottom’s ass, then fist him until he cums.

Psychosexual Element There is a psychosexual component of penetrative sex with a man that goes beyond the physical sensations, as good as those may be. I am taking about the overwhelming delight that comes from giving myself completely to a virile, masculine man, spreading my legs wide to take his hard, manly organ. Words are inadequate to describe the feeling of being filled and  penetrated by him, submitting to his powerful thrusts. I moan instinctively and cry out and beg  him to take me deeper and harder. Don’t get me wrong, the sensation of his throbbing cock sliding against my sensitive prostate is exquisite, but the real pleasure comes from being taken and mounted in the manner of a woman. The same is true for a woman. Most women cannot achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, but require clitoral stimulation. However, the woman still wants her man to take her and penetrate her, hard and deep

Condoms have no place in this, as the act must be fully consummated, and in the end he must empty his male essence (and DNA) deep inside me. That is the ultimate conclusion.