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mammallamass · 2 years

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Dominant, or Domineering?

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected. A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

Do all domineering men do all of the things I stated? No, it’s not that simple, but they’re good reference points. It’s about intent. A domineering man is out to fulfill his own desires, and a Dominant man gains his pleasure from successfully providing for the needs and desires of both parties. Will Dominant men sometimes say the things domineering men do? Yes! But domineering men will not also behave as Dominant men do, because Dominant men have broader goals. A Dominant man will but his desires above yours, but he will never put his desires above your needs.

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mammallamass · 2 years

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Red Flags vs. Pink Flags

A lot of people talk about the importance of spotting “red flags” early on in a relationship. “Red flags” are small behaviours, quirks and traits that act as warning signs for bigger problems down the road - spotting red flags in a new dating partner can be a sign that it might be wise to end the relationship and look for a less problematic partner.

But for all the talk of the importance of “red flags”, it can be really difficult to find good discussions of which behaviours are actually red flags, and which ones aren’t. Many people mix in red flags that are personal to them (”doesn’t like cats”, “is too religious”) with red flags that are pretty much universal (”doesn’t respect boundaries”). Some lists include behaviours that only happen after things have gone way too far, like physical violence or stalking - these aren’t warning signs, they’re straight-up problem behaviours that red flags are meant to help you avoid. Other lists can seem to be too harsh, and call for you to abandon a relationship over behaviours that might have a reasonable explanation - these are behaviours I prefer to think of as “pink flags”, since they don’t necessarily spell disaster.

No one is ever going to create a perfect list that perfectly sorts and captures all red flags and pink flags, but there are a couple of major ones that people should know about. If you’re dating someone and there are some things about your partner that are making you uneasy, knowing whether those warning signs are “red flags” or “pink flags” can help you decide how to proceed. Red Flags (almost always a bad sign, and cause for concern):

They are infatuated with you to the point of obsession. It can be really flattering to have someone tell you that you’re literally perfect and their ideal soulmate and even more amazing than they ever dared to dream. The problem, though, is that this is often a sign that someone has put you up on a pedestal, and that they are dating their own idealized, fictional version of you, rather than the real you. Obsession is often a gateway to unhealthy, irrational jealousy, as well as the real possibility that they will lash out at you every time you deviate from the perfect image of you that they’ve built up in their heads.

They want to rush the relationship. Our culture really likes this romantic idea of people “just knowing” when they’re met the one, and skipping immediately to marriage, kids and happily ever after. In reality though, a person who calls you their soulmate and asks you to move in three weeks after your first date is probably leaning more toward “obsession” than affection, and this is probably not the first time they’ve done this with a new partner. Some people fall into a pattern where they rush headlong into commitment with new partner after new partner - that’s not a pattern you want to be a part of.

They never miss an opportunity to trash their ex-partners. People have bad ex-partners sometimes. It happens. Having a bad ex is not a reason to avoid someone. Constantly bashing their exes, however, is a bad sign. A person who feels the need to constantly talk about what a piece of shit their ex is probably still has a lot of unresolved feelings about the relationship, and and they more than likely don’t have the ability to take responsibility for whatever part they played in the relationship’s demise. If someone insists that every single one of their exes is a crazy lunatic, it might be time to consider the common denomination - them.

You never know where you stand with them. One day, your new beau is attentive, loving and the picture of devotion… then for the next three days, they’re distant and disinterested. Then, without explanation, they’re back to being devoted to you. This kind of behaviour is a huge red flag, especially once you’re past the first couple of dates - it’s a sign that someone is stringing you along for their own gain, or that they’re into playing mind games. In healthy relationships, both parties try to constantly signal interest.

They are quick to use guilt as a weapon. Someone who constantly responds to small slights by heaping guilt on you is not going to stop that behaviour anytime soon - it’s only going to escalate over time. If you can’t go out with your friends without getting a “I thought I was the most important thing to you, but I guess not… it’s fine, I’ll just sit here by myself….” text, that’s a bad sign. This person is not interested in having reasonable, adult conversations about their feelings - they’d rather be manipulative.

Their moods and reactions are extremely unpredictable. One moment, they shrug it off when someone cuts them off in traffic, and the next moment, they are beside themselves with rage when the barista messes up their coffee order. This kind of unpredictability can be a sign that they have uncontrolled anger problems, and it’s only a matter of time before their partner is on the receiving end of those issues.

They are excessively secretive. It’s normal not to spill all of your deepest secrets on a first date, but as a relationship progresses, it’s healthy for both partners to gradually disclose more information to each other. A person who goes out of their way to pretend that they don’t have a past is probably not someone you want to keep around - they might be guarding a dealbreaking secret (like the fact that they are already married, or that they have lied about much of what they’ve told you), they might not want to get too invested in you, or they might have serious trust issues. No matter what the explanation, it’s a problem.

They insist that the relationship be a secret, even if you don’t want it to be. It’s not unreasonable to expect the person you are dating to admit that they are dating you. A person who refuses to do that is probably up to no good - again, they might have another partner that they are hiding you from, they might not be as serious about you as they are leading you to believe, or they might intentionally want to make you feel like they are ashamed of you.

They have no life skills, and no obvious intention of learning any. Not everyone is a natural-born chef, and it’s okay to occasionally struggle with things like figuring out which garments can go in the wash together, or finding the best way to load a dishwasher. What’s not okay is taking pride in living in your own filth, and having no intention of ever learning how to be a functional adult. This kind of person will be inclined to treat you as more of a surrogate parent than a partner, and a long-term relationship will mean either picking up after them or living alongside them in their filth.

They have no goals or ambitions. This doesn’t mean “they don’t make a lot of money” or “they aren’t career-oriented” - a person who works a low-paying job or isn’t very invested in their career might be very invested in the idea of raising children, learning new things, pursuing their hobbies, travelling, improving as an artist, volunteering in their community, etc, and they can make a wonderful partner. Not everyone wants a workaholic partner. On the other hand, a person who has no passion or drive in life, for anything, is a huge red flag - that person is likely going to expect the relationship to cover all of their needs in life, and tension is bound to arise when you want to grow as a person and they don’t.

They lie to you. Telling lies because “I didn’t think you would like me if I told you the truth” or “I didn’t want you to get upset” or “I didn’t think it was a big deal” is not cute, and it’s not excusable. A person who readily lies to you for their own gain is manipulative, and they are going to keep doing it the next time it’s more convenient for them.

They are not willing to trust you. A partner has no business demanding that you give them your social media passwords, access to your phone, or the power to GPS track you. Being cheated on or lied to in the past is no excuse. This kind of controlling, possessive behaviour gets much worse over time, and anyone who is this mistrustful of their partner needs to work on their own issues before they can think about being in a relationship.

They are controlling. Your partner should not be telling you what you can wear, how often you can go out, or who you can be friends with. It doesn’t matter if they dress this up as “concern about your safety” or “just looking out for you”. Love is not control. A person who wants to have control over your life is not going to get better over time - they are going to get increasingly more controlling, until you find yourself having to ask their permission for everything.

They try to drive a wedge between you and your family or friends. Trust your relationships with your friends and family. A partner who shows up in your life and starts telling you that X friend is no good for you or that you should really stop seeing so much of Y is not looking out for you, and they don’t have your best interests at heart. They are trying to isolate you, and that’s what they will achieve if this goes on.

They are deeply insecure and counting on the relationship to fix them. You cannot be someone’s everything, no matter how hard you try. It is impossible for one person to be completely responsible for all of their partner’s emotional and social needs. If your partner comes completely unglued the moment that they aren’t able to get validation from you, that’s a serious problem. Best case scenario, you end up in a relationship with someone who needs you to reaffirm the relationship every 30 minutes so they can function. Worst case scenario, you end up sucked into a deeply interdependent relationship with someone who turns angry, violent or suicidal when you aren’t able to make their insecurities go away.

They seem like an entirely different person when they are angry. People with severe anger issues are often able to hide them in the very beginning of a relationship, but they can’t hide them forever. It’s normal for people to get angry sometimes, but if someone’s whole personality changes when they get mad, that’s a sign that there’s some serious problems lurking beneath the surface. An otherwise sweet person who becomes cruel, spiteful and aggressive when they get angry does not have their anger under control, and dating someone who can’t control their anger can be dangerous.

Pink Flags (might be a bad sign, but not necessarily):

They don’t introduce you to their family. It’s easy to feel like someone is ashamed of you or not serious about the relationship if they don’t take you to meet the family, especially if they see their family somewhat regularly. There could be a reasonable explanation, however. Their family might still be totally in love with your partner’s ex and hoping they get back together, and your partner might not want to subject you to that. Their family might be rude to everyone they bring home. There might be a problem in the family - abuse, violence, alcoholism, a parent who flirts openly with their kids’ partners - that they are embarrassed about. Family can be a touchy subject for a lot of people, and it may take time for someone to admit the real reason that you haven’t met their parents yet.

They are behind where they “should” be in life. Some people might be reluctant to date a 30-year-old who still lives with their parents and hasn’t finished college. Sometimes, though, people have made mistakes or faced circumstances beyond their control, and their current life situation isn’t a true representation of who they are or what they can achieve. They might not have taken college seriously the first time around, they might have faced crippling depression in their twenties, they might have been in an abusive relationship that ruined their career - there are all kinds of reasons why someone might be a little behind their peers, and none of those make them a bad potential partner. Current circumstances don’t matter as much as their willingness and drive to improve.

They don’t have a lot of friends. Some people are shy. Some people grew up in an isolated setting and didn’t have a lot of opportunities to make friends. Some people have been too busy to socialize. Some people just require less social interaction than others. Some people just have difficulties making friends. Meeting an adult with few friends can raise some eyebrows, but it doesn’t always mean that someone has driven everyone else out of their life - sometimes there’s a more reasonable explanation.

They are deeply in debt. Financial skills are important in a potential partner, and finding out that someone is terrible with money can put an end to an otherwise promising relationship. Being deeply in debt, however, is different from having bad financial skills. Some people have to take out massive loans in order to afford college, because they don’t have financial support from their parents. Trying to start a business, support an unemployed parent or escape a bad marriage can also put a person in debt. Financial mistakes that someone makes in their late teens or early twenties can follow them for decades. It would be a shame to miss out on a potentially wonderful relationship with someone because they decided to take out loans for their MFA when they were 22.

They have never dated before. Again, many people will look at someone with suspicion if they’ve never dated before, especially once you reach your late twenties or older. It’s easy to assume that there must be something wrong with someone if they haven’t dated, or that they will automatically come with extra baggage or insecurities. That’s not necessarily the case. Again, there are a lot of mitigating factors here - they might have devoted most of their time to school thus far, they might have been too shy to pursue romance, or they might have had a chaotic or isolated early life. Maybe the stars have just never aligned for them, or maybe they spent years in love with someone who never returned their affection. There are a lot of possible explanations, and it’s not necessarily a reason to turn someone down.

They have dated or slept with a lot of people. On the flipside, finding out that someone has dated or slept with a lot of people can also give someone pause - it might make you worry that they aren’t capable of commitment, they’re flighty, or they don’t know what they want. It can even make you worry about your own sexual skills, or wonder if they’ll cheat. Having a lot of former partners does not make someone a cheater, however, and it does not make them incapable of having a committed long-term relationship with one person. A lot of people have a period of frequent short relationships in their life - especially with the rise of Tinder - before eventually settling into something more long-term.

They don’t have social media or an online presence. Some people just don’t do social media. They might have concerns about their privacy and their career, or they might simply not see the point of it. It can be frustrating not to be able to access a partner’s social media profiles in today’s day and age, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have something to hide.

They aren’t great at communicating. Communication can be hard for a lot of people, especially if they have never had a healthy relationship modeled for them by their parents or family members. Social anxiety may make it difficult for some people to open up, or they may have absorbed very toxic messages about “sucking it up” and not talking about their feelings. A person who doesn’t always open up about their feelings right away isn’t necessarily being distant or disinterested - it’s possible that they just need more time to warm up,

They have a mental illness. The idea of dating a person with a mental illness can be daunting. There can definitely be additional challenges that come with a mentally ill partner, especially if you’re dealing with mental health issues of your own. But it can be done, and people with mental illnesses can make wonderful, loving and healthy partners. If someone is managing their mental health conditions and knows when they need to seek additional treatment, the impact on the relationship can be fairly minimal.

Red flags are not a one-size-fits-all thing: some people find certain red flags more alarming than others, and having a partner with one or two red flags doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide where you want to draw the line. But if you find that your new partner fits a lot of the items on this list, it might be worth seriously considering if you want the relationship to continue.

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mammallamass · 2 years

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shout out to artists who draw spiked halos. gotta be one of my favorite design choices.

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mammallamass · 3 years

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Warning against Tumblr user 0rdi

This is a warning post about 0rdi on Tumblr.

0rdi has been sexually harassing various people on Tumblr for years, sending them unsolicited sexually explicit messages and porn, as well as manipulating them and guilting them for being uncomfortable with him.

This is not meant to be a callout post, but a way to warn people against him, as his repeated sexual harassment leaves concern that he will continue this behavior in the future.

Warnings for sexual harassment, manipulation, violent threats, and mentions of suicidal ideation

Keep reading

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mammallamass · 3 years

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LEGACIES, S04E06 You’re A Long Way From Home

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mammallamass · 3 years

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Concept: you’ve been married to your wife for 3 years. You wake up in your bed before she does, your nose cold but your body warm. Careful not to wake her, you get out of bed and your toes curl when your feet hit the cold floor. You brew a pot of coffee and take a cup, making sure to leave enough for her. You pull on a big sweater and walk out onto your deck, sitting in a big wood chair to look out over the forest. The leaves are orange and edged with frost. All is quiet as the sun rises over the trees. You hear the door opening behind you and your wife sits down next to you, wrapping the comforter from your bed around both of you shoulders. You sit there like that until the sun is well up and your coffee cups are empty.

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mammallamass · 3 years

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when you are in a hurry and someone wont let the conversation end

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mammallamass · 3 years

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Rush Hour 2 (2001) dir. Brett Ratner

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mammallamass · 3 years

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hard pill to swallow: the idea that your ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’ will know exactly how to make you happy without you ever having to communicate is fake. the fantasy that you will have all your needs met in a relationship without ever having to be vulnerable is fundamentally not true. sometimes you have to express your needs and desires, you have to ask for things, you have to communicate how you want to be loved, it’s uncomfortable and clumsy but relationships are about learning to love each other not being a mind reader

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mammallamass · 3 years

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if you have recently found someone who turned out to not be right for you, remember:

you deserve someone who will make you happy

you deserve someone who doesn’t make you question if you’re their priority

you deserve someone who listens

you deserve someone who validates your feelings

you deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them

you deserve someone who makes time for you

you deserve someone who gushes about you

you deserve someone who makes sure you know they enjoy spending time with you

you deserve someone who makes you laugh on your worst days

you deserve someone who makes you go to bed with a smile on your face, not tears in your eyes

you deserve someone who doesn’t make you worry you might say the wrong thing

you deserve someone who is willing to drop everything to comfort you on a really bad day

you deserve someone who pays attention to the little things you like and dislike

you deserve someone who gets you

you deserve someone who sees a future with you

you deserve someone who appreciates you

you deserve better

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mammallamass · 3 years

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meeting people on tumblr

PERKS:

• attractive

• into the same shit as you

• kind and understanding

• humorous

• good company

• easy to talk to

CONS:

• live in the middle of nowhere or on jupiter

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mammallamass · 3 years

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Spotting a Narcissist

There are a lot of lists on Tumblr for spotting a bad Dom (some of whom likely are narcs) and those lists are amazing! Follow them! This isn’t to replace those, but rather to add to them. This is what I’ve learned from my own experience and research. Please feel free to add to it. The more info out there the better. (FYI, while statistically there are more male narcs than female… there are PLENTY of female narcs. While I may use the male pronoun it should NOT imply that these things shouldn’t be looked for in women also)

1. The first thing I watch for are unwarranted compliments. A narc knows the right thing to say to draw someone in. However they don’t put thoughts into those words. So if a man says “You’re so intelligent.” and he hasn’t known you long enough or well enough to make a legitimate judgement on your intelligence… beware. If you’re uncertain still, ask why he thinks that. Listen to your body and your instincts as much as you do his answer. “I can just tell.” is not an acceptable answer. RUN!! If he has a good answer, but you feel on edge… run. Analyze it later, but trust your instincts in the moment. What you’re looking for is a real life example. Maybe you didn’t think he could know how smart you are, but his answer is something about your vocabulary or a topic you briefly mentioned. That is warranted and so far so good.

2. When a man calls his ex crazy, it should be a red flag. Sometimes.. there really is a legitimate crazy ex, but pay attention. If every ex was crazy and or cheated, or if his parents are also crazy… a narc declares just about everyone who doesn’t fall in line for them, crazy. A narc rarely has anyone that they are very close to. If all his friends seem to be more acquaintances that can be a red flag. However you should also be aware of the flying monkeys. These are people currently being fooled by the narc. They often will do their bidding. Spreading their lies, (Often without realizing they are lies) boosting their ego, catering to their whims. Narcs are often very charming and people often want to do things for them. So there will likely be people in their life. It’s the claim that everyone they seem to have had a falling out with is crazy, and the fallout was entirely the other person’s fault. (Saying all his ex’s have cheated is another version of this that should be noted)

3. Blame shifting. When everything is someone else’s fault.. huge red flag. Sometimes a person really can fall on hard times. Sometimes things happen to us that are legitimately out of our control. But if he didn’t finish college because of his parents, and he didn’t get that last promotion because Joe is a brown noser, and he would be a millionaire if he had sued the one guy who had done him wrong, and he doesn’t have credit because of his parents, and he would own his own home if his grandma didn’t screw him out of his inheritance… (I’ve heard most of these verbatim… from the same person) Any one or 2 of these can be legit. (some more so than others) It’s when there is an overwhelming amount that you should turn tail and run. When he has given a list like this and not accepted any real responsibility for any of it, run fast and far.

4. Arrogance. There is a difference between being confident and being conceited. This, or lack of this, should be viewed carefully though. Not all narcs are the same. There is the Hollywood version (which while a tad extreme is very real) which is overt, but there are also covert narcs. Those 2 categories have sub categories and it does tend to be a spectrum. So while arrogance can be easy to spot and set off warning bells, also look for the extreme opposite. Again.. look for the extreme. Someone so incredibly humble it seems unbelievable. These are things to look for in the early stages of getting to know someone, but it is possible to still miss this one, since it is a spectrum thing. It falls back to trust your gut and look for any other red flag to go with it.

5. How they treat others. Again this can go both ways. Look for the intention behind the action. A guy who treats the waitress like dirt should be obvious. That is on lots of lists out there. The covert narc will treat her amazing though. A huge tip, offers to help her if he can, go out of his way to be nice… seems great right. If he is doing this because that’s the kind of guy he is.. that’s amazing and awesome. All kinds of wonderful. If he is doing this because he wants the brownie points and gets all giddy at the attention you give over it. Warning bell. If you think about it, you’ll realize he’s trying a little too hard to come across as sincere and genuine.

6. Say no to something and see how he responds. Don’t give a reason, don’t be timid or overly bold.. just a simple no. Narcs typically do not like no and will often posture. If he seems to either go on the defensive or offensive beware. A common tactic they use in this case is manipulation. They may say something to tug at your heart strings, or make you feel guilty or wrong for the no. If you say no and it is anything but honored… RUN!!!! Not even kidding.. RUN!

7. If they seem to have a long stream of short term jobs, this can be a red flag. You’ll have to make a judgement call depending on the career and what else you’re seeing, but if he can’t stay anywhere longer than a year, it’s a sign there could be a problem. Listen to the reason why he is job hopping. What you don’t want to hear is everyone is crazy and did them wrong. A better answer was, I intended to stay at this job, but then had an amazing offer elsewhere. Took the job not realizing what a nightmare the commute would be. I wouldn’t have left, but Mom was sick and I needed to relocate so I could help her after her heart attack. If there is a crazy person at a job or 2 interweaved in there it isn’t a big deal. We’ve all had crazy co-workers.

8. Entitlement. There are things we all deserve. We are all entitled to be treated as human beings. We are entitled to have our boundaries respected. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness right? We are not entitled to cars, homes, money, a certain lifestyle etc. Those things are earned. You go out, you work hard and there is a payoff for the hard work you do. Life can hammer us sometimes, but no one is entitled to a boat or a motorcycle. You’re parents don’t owe you a car. If they bought your brother one, it may be unfair, but that still doesn’t equal entitlement. If it seems like everyone owes him something.. big red flag.

9. Excuses. This goes hand in hand with a few of the others, but I thought it should be separate. A narc has an excuse for EVERYTHING. No amount of fact or proof will deter them from their version of reality. Some of the excuses I heard from my ex husband would make your head spin. If you try to offer a little advice and no matter how you try to problem solve with them, there is an excuse that won’t work. Be very leery. Some things in our lives can’t be helped, but if you’re giving solid advice and it feels like nothing you say matters… look for the other signs to go with it.

10. How you feel when in their presence. If you find yourself feeling insecure and unsure of yourself, those aren’t butterflies. That’s your gut instinct saying something isn’t right. If it feels like, he is so smart, and you wonder if you can keep up with his intelligence, that is a bad sign. Some people legitimately are smarter than others, so look for other ways you’re questioning yourself. Also, people who are intelligent, don’t need to make others feel less intelligent. It’s easy to think that issue must be with us. But pay attention to what exactly is giving you that feeling. They can be very subtle in tearing others down. Narcs have a way of making others feel in awe of them. Not every inspiring person is a narc, but again.. go with your gut.

11. Emotional vampire. Have you ever been around someone and as soon as they are gone you always feel exhausted? Narcs are exhausting. They soak up the energy in a room. If you’ve been in someone’s presence 3 times, and all 3 times you’ve left feeling drained. That’s a bad sign.

12. The conversation always winds up back on them and what they want. You’ll see on many lists to look for someone who always steers the conversation back to sex. That is a red flag, but I’m going to take it a little further. If they only seem to allow you an opportunity to talk because that’s expected, but quickly turn back to themselves. Even if it isn’t about sex, that is a red flag. We all share our experiences when getting to know someone. Others can’t learn about us if we aren’t talking about ourselves. Most people will also ask questions about others though. What things do you like? Why are you passionate about that? How did you get into that? There should be normal give and take in a conversation.

I could probably write more, this is an important topic to me and something I think should be discussed at great length. The more awareness, the easier it is to stay safe. Not every narc is violent, but they are all abusive.

This is something ongoing for me. I am continuing to learn and grow. I am by no means an expert, and I still struggle at times with applying this. Mostly I struggle with second guessing myself, but I have learned to go with my gut in the moment. It’s important to analyze later, it will help you strengthen the skills, and typing out this list is another tool I’m using. If you are currently in a relationship with a narc.. there is no changing him. Things will not get better. There is no pill he can take that is going to make him want to not be an asshole. By whatever means necessary leave. If that means a homeless shelter and government assistance, do it and don’t think twice. You are precious and deserve to be treated like a human being. You are not crazy. (If you are it’s reaction based) It is not in your head, you are stronger than you realize and you will never regret the peace you find when it is finally over. (I know you are stronger than you realize, because you have survived)

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