mandakillam

[mandakillam]

Grand Pooh-Bah

Who would have thought I'd find myself writing on Tumblr, accompanied by a glass of Passion Fruit syrup, at 1:35 AM, after a century since the last time I posted something here?

Yep, I can't sleep, even though I've been feeling drowsy since 9 PM. And for the past four hours or so, I've been craving Passion Fruit syrup. I thought it was just a fleeting desire, one that would soon be forgotten.. But as the day turns, the craving remains, despite having drunk mineral water yang ada manis-manisnya.

Being the scientifically curious type that I am, I Googled, "Late night sweet cravings why", and found that the top four reasons people crave sweets in the middle of the night include hunger, lack of sleep, insufficient nutrition, stress, or all of the above.

And yes, as usual, I'm worried, scared...

I'm the type of person who watches YouTube videos at double speed to avoid the fluff. Many say that by doing so, I don't truly enjoy what I'm watching... I strongly disagree—I thoroughly enjoy what I watch, but at the same time, I don't want to waste too much time. The extra time saved can be used to watch another episode or engage in other activities.

That's how I approach life. I know that every life ends in death, so that's definitely not what I mean in living life—what I want is like that trending sound on Instagram and TikTok, can we skip to the good part?

Unable to skip to the good part, I end up with just the 🎶 "AAAAA.. AAAA AAAA AAAA~" 🎶 instead.

One of few things that cause my GERD is, being a director at this age isn't as glamorous as most people think. Directors don't live off salaries but shares, and I'm not just supporting myself—I have to split my savings between expenses and investments, without support from anyone.

"'til when would you work for others? That's stupid," said my best friend. Well, he has a point... But let's face it: working for others lets me dine at the Meatguy Steakhouse every day.

That's what makes me weigh up—should I strive and grow for my own sake, or return to being a corporate slave and just live off a stagnant salary every month?

As I navigate through the challenges of being a director I can't help but constantly wondering, "Can I skip all this and see what I'd be like if I chose this path?"

Adding to this reflection, becoming the youngest member of the Board at just 26, with the second youngest born in 1972, presented a unique set of challenges and experiences. The age difference represented a gap in perspectives, working styles, and technological adaptability. Working with colleagues significantly older than me meant navigating a landscape where traditional methods of business and communication often took precedence. While my peers might rely on formal meetings and formal letters, I leaned towards emails and Google Meet for swift decision-making.

Being the youngest in such a setting also highlighted the importance of mutual respect and learning. It was about bridging the gap, finding common ground, and leveraging the unique strengths each person brought to the table. The experience taught me the value of diversity in age and thought, proving that when different perspectives converge, the potential for innovation and growth is boundless.

But anyway, so yeah, perhaps that's why I'm anxious. I feel like a rabbit or a miner, not knowing if I should keep digging for THE carrot or the diamond, questioning if this journey is worth my time and the hassle, far beyond what being a corporate slave demands, in my case.

(source: iStock)

My stress levels have peaked to such an extent that I even checked my horoscope, which amusingly dubbed me a "grand pooh-bah."

...I didn't know what that means at first I thought you mean Pooh Bear?

I believe that God will never put me in this situation for no reason. After everything I've endured in life, I know I can do this because I MUST do this perfectly. I'm committed to doing everything within my power to enhance my skills and push myself beyond my limits, insya Allah. However, as a human, I still often find myself exasperatedly thinking... It's 2:37 A.M, please oh please my dear Universe,

Can we just skip to the good part?

[mandakillam]

Ketoprak

"Waduh! Yang jualan tukang ketoprak yang enak, lagi!" nafsu makan gue yang baru saja makan Bakmi GM untuk kedua kalinya hari ini kembali memuncak seketika melihat gerobak ketoprak si bapak.

Bapak ini sudah berjualan ketoprak turun temurun dari bapak mertuanya, dia, sampai ketiga anaknya sukses lulus-kuliah semuanya. Dia dan iparnya sama-sama berjualan ketoprak di depan rumah oma dan kadang bergantian, tapi favorit oma, gue, dan almarhumah mama tetap si bapak.

Anyway, gue balik lagi ke daerah rumah oma di Jakarta Pusat setelah pulang dari Thamrin ke Pluit. Ntah kenapa gue kenyang, cuma kebayang ketoprak mulu. Jadi gue pikir ya udahlah liat yuk siapa tahu masih ada, sekalian ambil baju buat acara besok dan temui oma gue.

"Lah, itu oma!" kata pasangan gue sambil menunjuk seorang ibu muda berpakaian trendy yang sedang duduk di tempat duduk area jualan ketoprak, alias depan rumah oma sendiri.

"Cici!" sapa oma ketika melihat gue melongok dari kaca mobil.

"Cici" adalah panggilan gue yang artinya Cici...na. Yak! Cina. Artinya gue orang Cina.

"Mau ketoprak, gak? Oma pesenin!" tanya oma.

Sepersekian detik gue berpikir, "Gue kan lagi diet ya," jadi tentu saja gue jawab, "MAU OMA!"

Sepiring tahu, bihun, dengan campuran kecap dan sedikit bumbu kacang dan cabe limapun tersaji dengan cantik di piring. Oh iya, tanpa tauge.

Gue dan pasangan gue masuk ke ruang tamu, siap menyantap sepiring ketoprak yang dibagi dua. Dia bilang enggak mau makan ketoprak, tapi percayalah, lebih dari setengah piring dia yang makan, "Tahunya enak banget!" katanya.

Sambil berdebat dalam hati dengan diri sendiri karena tahu di setiap suapan gue akan menyesal makan ketoprak malam-malam, gue mendengarkan cerita oma, orang yang sangat gue sayang yang sudah sekitar dua minggu tidak gue temui karena sibuk.

Oma bercerita tentang betapa baik sahabat barunya, pelayanan karunia penyembuhan yang oma lakukan, dan tentangnya mengunjungi ipo Tutu, adik dari mamanya oma, di panti jompo.

"Oma gak tega ci, apalagi dia selalu bilang ke oma untuk sering dateng, karena dia ingat oma Eli," kesedihan terlihat jelas di mata oma. Memang, berapapun usia kita ketika orang yang kita cintai setengah mati berpulang dan berapapun usia kita saat ini, air mata akan selalu mampu jatuh begitu saja. Oma Eli adalah mamanya oma.

"Ipo Tutu jarang ada yang kunjungi, anak-anaknya gak care," lanjutnya, "Tidak seperti sahabat oma yang peduli sama anak-anaknya, dan sangat peduli terhadap oma, bahkan soal waktu makan."

Meski dengan bangga ia menceritakan kebaikan sahabatnya, sebagai anak yang peka, gue melihat dari sirat matanya, terdapat rasa sedih yang ia tahan—iya, gue peka! Jadi kalau ada orang yang nuduh gue gak peka, mungkin memang pesan yang mereka lempar aja yang gak jelas!

Dan sebagai orang yang hampir setiap saat menahan rasa sedih, gue tahu banget seberapa kerasnya seseorang bisa berusaha hanya untuk menyembunyikan itu. Dan oma cocok banget main dalam film Cats, karena actingnya jelek banget.

"Mata kamu udah sembuh dari lasik?" tanya oma.

Gue menjawab sudah, "Lebih jelas mata kiri dibanding kanan, cuma gapapa, tetep bisa lihat," jawab gue, "Cuma lagi sembab aja ini."

Tentunya dia bertanya kenapa, dan gue tidak mau berbohong sehingga gue menjawab apa adanya..

"HAH?! KENAPA?! GAK PERLU LAH KAYAK GITU! GAK SEHAT!" sontak oma panik.

Yak, gue mabok kemarin. Lebih tepatnya salah minum. Setelah ketagihan dua can San Miguel, lanjut satu botol 200ml Captain Morgan, dan semuanya habis dalam waktu cepat. Emang konyol.

"JANGAN PERNAH KAYAK GITU LAGI!" marah oma di depan pasangan gue.

Alcohol tolerance gue yang semakin jelek sebenernya sudah membuktikan bahwa sudah lama banget sejak terakhir kali gue sering minum. Sampai-sampai gue malu sendiri dan merasa lemah ketika terbangun di RSPP dengan muntahan coklat di tadahan suster, warna dan bau yang sama dengan muntahan yang ada di baju gue.

"Iya oma, janji. Kalau aku main-main mana mungkin aku berani cerita ke oma," jawab gue. Omapun kembali mengingatkan bahwa tubuh kita adalah bait Allah yang wajib dijaga.

"Apalagi kamu perempuan, harus punya sikap agar tidak diinjak laki-laki, harus jaga manner supaya orang respect kamu," kata oma. Wow. Oma gue emang cocok jadi pendeta atau motivator. Dan memang ada benarnya sih perkataan oma, apalagi gue tinggal di negara yang menjunjung tinggi adab, meski jujur gue pribadi tidak terlalu peduli. Yang penting enggak ngejahatin orang, itu aja cukup buat gue.

"Sebentar lagi jam sebelas malam, oma ada jadwal berdoa," kata oma, berbicara seakan waktunya kami kembali ke rumah, namun terlihat jelas raut harapan di wajahnya agar kami stay a little longer with her.

"Ya udah, oma siap-siap berdoa aja. Aku ambil baju sebentar, ya," lalu gue bergegas naik ke lantai atas, dan pasangan gue kembali ke mobil. Gue yang lupa membawa kunci kamar, harus balik ke mobil.

Ketika gue masuk lagi ke rumah, ntah apa yang 'merasuki' gue...

Sambil memeluknya, gue berkata...

"Oma, aku minta maaf," gue yang tadinya cool banget, seketika menjadi seperti es batu...cair.

"Maaf aku bikin oma sedih, bikin oma merasa sendiri.. Aku gak enak hati sama oma," dengan sesak gue menjelaskan bahwa belakangan gue takut menerima telpon oma. Gue sangat lelah mendengar keluh kesah berikut tuntutan yang tersirat dibaliknya, "Aku mau memberikan yang terbaik buat oma, dan di saat keadaan aku lagi terbatas untuk melakukan itu, aku merasa gak enak hati dan menghindar."

Sambil terus memeluk dan membasahi baju bagian pundak kanannya gue memberitahu oma bahwa, "Sumpah aku sayang banget sama oma dan sedih banget ternyata aku malah bikin oma merasa kesepian. Oma, kalau oma bisa bicara sama Tuhan, mungkin oma bisa tanya langsung apa yang aku doakan setiap malam."

Oma gue sangat religius sampai ke tahap bahasa roh. Gue pribadi lebih percaya bahwa gue bisa berkomunikasi dengan Titi DJ menggunakan bahasa kalbu, tapi ya udah lah ya, kan yang penting oma tidak berbuat jahat terhadap siapapun dengan apapun yang ia percayai.

Tapi siapa tahu oma beneran bisa berkomunikasi dengan Tuhan, Roh Kudus, atau apapun itu, ya seharusnya dia bisa tanya langsung kan gue tiap sebelum tidur ngomong apa dalam doa.

"Aku sayang banget sama oma. Oma sudah seperti orang tua aku, bahkan oma ada di dalam hidup aku lebih dari mama," Can't believe I'd ever said that but I did.

"Aku benar-benar minta maaf kalau aku bikin oma merasa sedih. Sumpah demi Tuhan aku sayang banget sama oma."

"Oma juga sayang banget sama cici dan dedek. Hidup oma buat siapa lagi kalau bukan cici sama dedek. Oma juga paham cici capek kerja, oma tahu hati cici seperti apa, cuma oma kadang sedih aja kenapa cici seperti menjauh dari oma," lanjut oma sambil memeluk, "Oma enggak minta apa-apa dari cici, oma cuma minta cici WhatsApp oma."

Gue semakin nangis mendengar ucapan itu. Betapa gue seemed to always put everything on the quantity, not the value, in regards to family relationships. Oma mau jajan apa, mau sepatu apa.. Padahal that's not always what she needs.

Seketika sambil menggenggam tangan gue, dia mendoakan gue, kesehatan gue, kehidupan gue, pekerjaan gue..

Di saat itu gue semakin lupa kalau 2,5 jam dari sekarang gue mesti bangun pagi karena ada acara di BSD, dan mata gue tidak boleh sembab. Gue tidak peduli sama sekali soal muka gue yang udah kayak kanebo basah lengkap dengan eyeliner luntur.

Air mata gue membasahi bumi, seperti langit setelah gue cuci mobil. Bukan karena Roh Kudus atau apapun itu, namun karena gue merasa bersyukur—gila ya, oma gue sayang banget sama gue. Bayangin.. Gue tadinya hanya ingin mengungkapkan rasa sayang gue dan meminta maaf, namun yang oma lakukan HANYALAH terus-terusan mendoakan kebaikan untuk GUE.

Gue tidak selalu percaya apa yang oma gue percaya, namun oma gue menggunakan seluruh kepercayaannya untuk manifesting hal baik untuk GUE dengan segenap hati dan imannya.

Lantunan doa oma menggetarkan hati dan tangan gue, seketika segala bentuk ego, gengsi, dan malu guepun luntur. Kedua kaki gue yang lagi cedera hamstring karena ntah-apakah-gue-kepleyot-waktu-gue-mabora-kemarin, seketika melemas..

Gue bertekuk lutut memohon ampun mencium kakinya yang masih bersepatu. Take it from me orang yang pernah kehilangan seseorang dalam hidup untuk selamanya: Bukan cuma ego, gengsi, dan malu, rasa geli buat cium kakipun gak akan bisa jadi an excuse good enough not to express love once we have no more opportunity to. So ALWAYS show and tell our loved ones how much we love them while we're still given the chance to.

Dan yang oma lakukan ketika gue bersimpuh, adalah menyelesaikan doanya lalu berkata, "Bangunlah, nak, kamu sudah diampuni."

Air mata gue berhenti, lalu gue bilang, "Oma, aku bukan mau oma mendoakan hal-hal baik untuk aku, aku cuma mau bilang aku sayang banget sama oma dan aku minta maaf kalau aku bikin oma sedih. Aku gak mau oma sedih dan pikir bahwa aku gak sayang oma. Aku sayang banget sama oma."

"Iya oma tau. Puji Tuhan, hari ini siapa yang sangka tumben-tumbenan oma nongkrong di tempat ketoprak, ternyata untuk dipakai Tuhan secara luar biasa untuk menjamah dan memberkati cici," lanjutnya, "Cici janji ya jangan minum lagi, bukan cuma itu enggak sehat, cici juga harus menjadi contoh baik untuk keluarga cici nanti."

Gue cuma bisa tersenyum dan menjawab "Iya", mengetahui bahwa benar bukan omongan orang lain yang gue pedulikan, tapi oma benar ketika ia bilang bahwa gue harus bertanggung jawab di dalam hidup dengan menjadi contoh yang baik untuk keluarga gue kelak.

"Bukan saya yang hebat, tapi kemuliaanMu yang bekerja ya Tuhan!" serunya, "Katakan Puji Tuhan, ci!" perintah oma kepada gue.

"Puji Tuhan."

Gue pulang ke rumah dengan rasa syukur dicintai oma sebegitunya. Enggak pernah terpikir akan ada hari di mana gue bersyukur karena Tuhan menuntun gue ke arah yang lebih baik dan melegakan hati, menggunakan Ketoprak si bapak. Semoga Tuhan izinkan gue untuk mencintai oma... sebegitunya.

[mandakillam]

Hari ini gue belajar lebih lagi tentang kehidupan,

Betapa keputusan yang benar tidak selalu terlihat baik pada awalnya,

Tetapi selama kita gak ada niat ngejahatin orang dan hidup sebaik-baiknya di dalam ketidaksempurnaan, suatu hari pasti kejawab kenapa kita harus melewati fase apapun-itu yang membuat kita sempat bertanya "kenapa mesti kayak gini, yak?!" ke Semesta.

[mandakillam]

Sometimes we don't realize that we are actually drowning while trying to be everyone else's anchor.

[mandakillam]

If I ever disrespected you, I meant that sh*t, because I know I have let you slide 500 times before I did you like that.

- Juuhearrddd on Twitter

[mandakillam]

[mandakillam]

Be kind to everyone you know,

for she who does her best to uplift others, barely knows how to encourage herself. Who has so much love for everyone, can't seem to understand how to treat herself the same. Who is always there for everyone, doesn't know where to go when she needs to escape..

for you have no idea if that person who cheers you and sends you cute stickers & emojis might be trying to brighten your day whilst looking at a scissor, a knife, a razor, or eyes on the ground from the 3rd floor—on the verge of giving up..

for anyone, could be battling something they don't even know.

Yes, depression is a bitch.

[mandakillam]

Mama

Pernah, tidak, hari kalian berjalan baik-baik saja, tersenyum, seperti biasa, sampai pada waktu, kalian tidak sengaja melihat fotonya?

Kenangan tentangnya seketika berputar di dalam kepala. Mengingat setiap momennya begitu nyata, seakan semua baru terjadi kemarin. Seketika nafas terasa payah, seperti ribuan pisau menghujam sanubari.

Mendistraksi diri dengan berbagai macam kegiatan, berusaha untuk memalingkan sebentar dengan banyak kesibukan.

Air mata membasahi pipi, dan di situ kalian mengerti.. Rasa sakit itu tidak pernah benar-benar pulih.

Aku pernah tertancap pasak, aku pernah jatuh menghantam aspal, kakiku pernah terpiuh, linu gigi sampai sulit makanpun aku tahu,

namun sumpah,

merindukanmu adalah yang paling menyiksa.

[mandakillam]

A small reminder—they won't treat you better if you keep giving them more of what they already don't appreciate.

— Arch Hades

[mandakillam]

[mandakillam]

Affirmations for the Sings in the current moment

Scorpio: I love myself, and I see myself in everyone.

Sagittarius: I find the inner strength to face fear with confidence.

Capricorn: I understand that a friend is in my life for a reason.

Aquarius: I posses the power and the free will to create my own happiness.

Pisces: I understand that a mistake is only an opportunity to learn.

Aries: I use my intuition in all aspects of my life.

Taurus: I choose to focus on the lighter side of life.

Gemini: I am open to seeing both sides of a situation.

Cancer: I release any beliefs that no longer assist in my soul's growth.

Leo: I am attracted to those people who serve my higher good.

Virgo: I want to expand my consciousness and my awareness.

Libra: I accept that my inner voice will always guide me correctly.

[mandakillam]

If a problem can be solved, then it’s not worth worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, then it’s useless to worry about it.

— Japanese Wisdom

[mandakillam]

Gin, jangan pernah tuang semua kepintaran dan kebaikan kamu untuk dimanfaatin orang lain. Kamu yang kerja, orang lain yang dinilai bagus—apalagi kalau orangnya bahkan gak menghargai kamu. Bukannya aku ngajarin kamu jahat atau perhitungan, but really, Gin, not everyone deserves your best.

Best Advice of the Month

[mandakillam]

Libra Personality Traits (21 SECRETS)

Do you know what is so unique about Libra personality traits?

Libra’s sensible and practical reasoning often distinguishes them from other Zodiac signs. They are also known for being fair-minded. However, there is more to Libra that you don’t know about.

Let me take you through 21 secrets of Libra personality traits to help you understand their behaviours.

1. Libra pardons but you can’t hurt them a second time

Libra doesn’t hold grudges when offended. Nevertheless, they learn from past mistakes and use them as an example to help them to avoid similar mistake in the future.

2. Libra value long-lasting relationships that add value to life

The desire of Libra to settle for a long-term relationship prevents them from committing quickly. Libra avoids meaningless relationships, and prefer waiting rather than settling with the wrong person.

3. Libra makes fair judgments and easily accepts their mistakes

Libra stands for what is right no matter how painful it will be. They support the weak and innocent. If they are wrong, they take full responsibility and avoid the blame game.

4. Libra is super smart and quick-witted

Libra sign has some of the most intelligent and sharp individuals. They are knowledgeable and are objective when it comes to analyzing and solving issues.

5. Libra takes everything with a pinch of salt

Libra doesn’t believe in hearsay. They analyze situations critically to make objective conclusions. They believe in firsthand information from own analysis and prefers to get evidence before coming to a conclusion.

6. Libra is good in resolving conflicts and reconciling people

Libra helps to resolve conflicts and mediate discussions to avoid chaos. They are convincing and tactful, which help to end disputes in an amicable manner.

7. Libra is sharp-eyed when looking for details but discloses little information to others

Libra has hawk-eyes and consciously records things that they see at the back of their mind. They don’t miss details and can mysteriously tell when things are wrong.

8. Libra despises self-centered and insensitive characters

Libra hates selfish and insensitive people. They despise inconsiderate people who focus on maximizing their happiness at the expense of others. An arrogant person is a turn off to Libra.

9. Libra lives a calm and unpretentious life

If you are born under Libra zodiac sign, you take things in stride and you don’t get stressed. They are capable of remaining composed and relaxed during chaotic situations.

10. Libra is coaxing and it’s hard to reject their offer

Libra talk is like calm cologne. It charms listeners and makes it hard for them to say no. They have a unique way of making others follow their way of reasoning.

11. Libra doesn’t listen to naysayers and always follow their dreams.

Libra avoids people with negative thoughts. They don’t associate with people who are always whining and not taking initiatives to make improvements. They take action and use their will power to make things possible.

12. Libra is very pleasant and a little bit teasing

Libra has qualities that allow them to fascinate others particularly when they want to arouse positive feelings. Their friendly and flirting nature makes them charming to others.

13. Libra is a game changer and takes deliberate moves to counter a challenge.

Libra avoids making foolish decisions. They are tactful and evaluate the available options to maximize their benefits in the face of competition.

14. Libra is a selfless partner

Libra has plenty of love to offer to their partners. They look for a person who can offer the love and affection they deserve. They love unconditionally and expect nothing less from a romantic relationship.

15. Libra value and uphold friendship

You must have encountered people who focus on winning arguments while jeopardizing their friendship. Libra is not one of them. They prefer to lose an argument rather than lose a friend.

16. Libra value the happiness of others and can risk own happiness

Libra loves to put a smile on others faces. They selflessly put efforts to please everyone every time, which is sometimes not possible.

17. Libra is the best adviser and keen listener

Libra is a caring friend that listens when you need them most. They offer informed advice. Their observant nature helps them to see things from all perspectives.  

18. Libra are receptive to new ideas and are eager to know

Libra is an easy-going person. They are eager to learn and are unprejudiced. They believe in getting details before making a conclusion and are receptive especially in a new environment.

19. Libra is an outgoing person and loves lively discussions

Libra loves to socialize. They ensure that they hold lively and stimulating conversations Libra also prefers discussions that help them to get away from stress and live in the moment.

20. It can be hard to predict Libra’s next course of action

Libra is an erratic individual who changes unexpectedly and peculiarly. It is easy to feel their presence as their unpredictable nature helps to create lively conversation or teams.

21. The happiness of Libra is dependent on the contentment of their loved ones

Libra is a peacekeeper. They focus on the happiness of friends and family. Their happiness is fulfilled when others are happy and they make the best companions.

[mandakillam]

Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.

Ezra Taft Benson

[mandakillam]

"Appreciate where we are standing. Sometimes we get discouraged by what we lack and never consider what we were saved from. Stay thankful, focused, and keep moving forward. We have more miracles manifesting than we acknowledge, our positive prayers are being answered."

[mandakillam]

I won't tell you what you can and can't do. I have signed up as your partner, not your parent. If you wanna put yourself in a position that can ruin our relationship, then so be it. What I will tell you is what I like and don't—this where compromise and respect come in.